Hi Sweetie!

[FallingLeaves]

hehehe.... well i'm sure you'll get the upper hand

[FallingLeaves]

it has crossed his mind
no matter how ridiculous he's been
or what awful words he's spouted
he hasn't honestly felt abandoned
or alone

thank you!

[FallingLeaves]

he's been feeling reticent
today
and since
he suddently
seems to have
the ability
to go along with that feeling
instead of just blindly pouring out
every thought he has
no matter how awful

he hasn't wanted to say much

but -
he's recently dreamed
of two other girls
he never talked about

one from high school
one from college

both were a different experience

not only
was he not in love with them
he hardly thought anything of them at all
but he knew they were there

if that makes any sense
lol!

the energy of the second
has pospulatead
some of the dreams
of college
he has had -

he remembers one
about an advanced math class
in particular

but again
he's never really had a reason
to think about her
beyond just the noticing

[FallingLeaves]

he gave up
talking about the future
at some point

other than that
he sometimes points out
that nothing is written in stone
unless you want to believe it is

anyway
he had this perception
that if he made plans
and talked about them
people would just
interfere
and make it impossible
to pull off his goals

and he had this perception
that if he made promises
of what would come next
people would just
interfere
and make it impossible
to fulfill those promises

and so he learned
to not talk of the future

which is a good thing
it seems
as that doesn't bind his future
to whatever he thinks now
*and he can change his mind*
when he figures out
what an awful person
he is being

changing his mind
is precisous

there is a time
when it wasn't possible -
everything started
had to be completed
at any cost
to his own sensibilities

which of course
is why he used to be
so dead set against
starting new things

especially with the girls

[FallingLeaves]

the first popular song
he remembers
hearing the words to
is the one that goes

every move you make
every step you take
i'll be watching you

he even remembers
the room he was in
when he heard it

but it didn't really mean anything
to him
at the time
he heard it

later
after he met the world
he's sometimes felt
like he was being watched.

Sometimes in mundane ways
people
or cameras
or dreams

other times he's wondered about
astral traval
remote viewing
people peering down
from the edge of heaven
4d and 5d people
or other things
he's probably long since forgotten
-------------------------------------------
for a while
he played exhibitionist
that seemed fun
at the time

and for a while
he was frozen in his tracks
because
well
people can be mean
when they are prying into your life
and deciding
to tell you who to be

but later
when he got tired of all that
he just decided
he was just going to live his life
the way he wanted to anyway
as honestly as he could
given his circumstances

and take his chance
on the consequences
of such behavior

but he wasn't going to expect
anything
remotely resembling privacy
------------------------------------------------
mostly
he doesn't even think about all this
any more

it just seems like a fact of life
that he would be watched
like water, or the air
------------------------------------------------
but as to himself
he doesn't ap
and never had the urge
to chase around
after those experiences
even though
it seemed like
they might be pleasant.

[FallingLeaves]

he wanted to say
he knows what it is like
to feel like
you can't express yourself

and no matter what he thinks
about the efficacy
of just shutting up

he also wanted to say
he is not asking
for people
to tiptoe around his feelings

it is what it is
he's a big boy
he'll deal with
what he has to deal with
--------------------------------------
sorry he's not posting
on threads right now
for the moment
this seems more comfortable
even if
noone is listening
lol

[FallingLeaves]

that is ok. sigh.
----------------------------------
he feels like
he's been oversharing
and he remembers
what this is going to make him feel like
in the end

so he thinks he'll quit with it
at least for now

and just cry in his tea instead.

[FallingLeaves]

so it is just as well
he took a time out

he was starting to feel
too self-important
and didn't even know it

guess he'll have to
dial it back a bit
-----------------------------------
****as he waits patiently to get kicked****

[FallingLeaves]

it can be
really really hard
not
to try to be
right

he doesn't know why

it can just be
really really hard

one of the most difficult things
he ever has to deal with

he prefers it though
the few times
when he can slide by
and simply not do that

[FallingLeaves]

he doesn't know
really
what he expects

he has always had this feeling
that the very act
of expecting
something he finds desirable

will not meet in him
getting what is desired

he also thinks
he doesn't have much
experience

and couldn't know anyway
beyond to just make something up
that other people tell him
is desirable

that doesn't work either

and then there is the fact
staring him in the face

that he would never have chosen
this awful life he has
not for anything

and yet the truth of it is
when he found
he had to accept it
he also found
it is much better
than anything he could
ever
have dreamed up for himself

and there you have it
he found that
what he might have wanted
is not nearly as good
as what god chose for him.

so all in all
he views the future
with some latitude
understanding now
maybe just a little
that there is more to life
than getting
whatever petty wants
he could come up with this week
------------------------
besides
it is a relief
to become disappointed...