how do you let go?

kindheart · #1 05-12-2011, 02:49 AM

I've been feeling down lately, miss my ex a lot, feel lonely even if surrounded by good friends. I wish to feel happy and whole again, and for my ex and I to get back together in a healthy, romantic relationship once he feels capable of loving again (which was the reason why we broke up - he is too damaged from a past relationship and although he felt we had a great connexion and he cares about me so dearly, he feels empty inside and realized he is now incapable of falling in love (or so he thinks). If that's not possible or wishful, then I wish and expect someone even better suited for me to come into my life.

The thing is I feel obsessed with this, can't stop wishing for my ex to come back, miss him so much, can't stop thinking about him, keep asking for signs from angels to let me know whether he is coming back or not, etc. I obsess and fear too much over this, can't seem to be able to control my thoughts and emotions and doubts. Not only are these thoughts making me unhappy, but I also know that as long as I keep obsessing over this and wishing every day for him to come back, that I will not find happiness, that he will not come back, and that someone better will not come into my life either.

Knowing all of these things, why can't I let go?? How do I let go? I feel insane, obsessed, crazy...... It's like I'm trying to keep control over things by stating my wishes to the universe over and over, to make sure they heard right, or thinking i didn't state it as good as I could on previous occasions... but paradoxically I know I'm keeping myself from finding happiness and true love when doing so.

What do I do? How do I move on? How do I stop obsessing over this and let go? I feel desperate and need help with this, please :(

#2 05-12-2011, 08:45 AM

Well, you certainly aren't crazy, most people have been through a period like the one you are describing in their lives, I know I certainly have. I thought I was too damaged to love again at one point. I was just completely broken for a while, I would cry and feel down and just want that person to come back. I know what you mean about feeling lonely with friends. I felt the same way too. And yeah, I prayed for their return. But free will is free will.

One of the most important things I learned during the period of recovery that I went through is self respect. It is so important to realise how special you are. It sounds arrogant and vain at times, but it helps you heal and even become stronger than you were before. You ARE special. YOU ARE. And there are so many other people out there that you could make a new connection with.

I thought that my life just wouldn't be the same when that woman walked away from me. But now I'm with someone that I'm going to marry one day, I couldn't be happier!

It WILL turn around again. Turn your focus away from THEM and onto YOU. You are a fantastic person with amazing qualities. You will find someone who appreciates them, who appreciates you, who realises what a PRIZE you are!

Peace and happiness!

#3 05-12-2011, 08:54 AM

I wish I could give you a good advice so you could get over it. I think all people go through situations like this and there is no universal recipe for everybody. Probably, you should try dating another person.
We're here for you.

kindheart · #4 05-12-2011, 08:58 PM

I`m not ready to date yet... only been about 2 months since the break up, not even. I think the hardest part is there wasn't really anything wrong with the relationship, and it wasn't obvious he wouldn't be able to love me until the very end. At that point he told me that he had thought that the reason why he couldn't love since his ex was because he hadn't found the right one (he dated some people after his ex, before meeting me), and thought that once he found that special person, the one for him, then he would be able to love again... except he thought I was perfect for him and he still didn't manage to fall in love with me, and that's when he realized he was too empty inside to love.

And it hurts too because I've dated many men, some long terms (a few 1.5 to 3 year relationships) and some short term ones. But I never felt they really were the ones, although I wanted them to be. With him, I felt he was the one. I remember thinking "wow... so this is what it's supposed to feel like... that's what people meant when they said when you find the one, you'll know!"... But I guess I didn't know :( I`m confused

kindheart · #5 05-12-2011, 09:02 PM

Please pardon my English btw lol. Not my first language, hope you get what I'm saying ;)

#6 06-12-2011, 07:30 AM

You can't let go of anything. Letting go is not an action, it's a happening. It will happen by itself. Letting go means not focusing upon it anymore. And if you want to do that directly and say "I will let go of THIS" then your focus is on THIS again. It's a vicious cycle. You can't get rid of anything directly, only indirectly by focusing on something else until what you want to let go slowly falls into the background and loses its momentum.

But there's something else for you to discover here: Do you want to be surrounded by things/people that make you happy or do you just want to be happy? Do you want the conditions to be right so you will be happy by observing pleasing things or do you want to be happy regardless of the conditions? If you can only be happy when the conditions are right, that's hell. If you can be happy regardless of the conditions, that's heaven.

Silver · #7 06-12-2011, 03:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Funny How Time Flies

You can't let go of anything. Letting go is not an action, it's a happening. It will happen by itself. Letting go means not focusing upon it anymore. And if you want to do that directly and say "I will let go of THIS" then your focus is on THIS again. It's a vicious cycle. You can't get rid of anything directly, only indirectly by focusing on something else until what you want to let go slowly falls into the background and loses its momentum.

But there's something else for you to discover here: Do you want to be surrounded by things/people that make you happy or do you just want to be happy? Do you want the conditions to be right so you will be happy by observing pleasing things or do you want to be happy regardless of the conditions? If you can only be happy when the conditions are right, that's hell. If you can be happy regardless of the conditions, that's heaven.

What an apt and wonderful response, FHTF. This is really good advice for a lot of us struggling with things ~ I myself am struggling with the loss of my son almost 2 yrs. ago. Maybe the best way for kindheart to deal with it is to treat it like a death ~ he is gone, for all intents and purposes. I know my son is gone and my heart and soul still wants to see him again. It is very hard to 'let go' but it has already been done. Our minds, our psyches are like little children, not wanting to believe the cold, hard reality.

We would do ourselves a favor by moving on and at the same time honoring the loss. I'm so sorry, kindheart for your loss.

#8 06-12-2011, 03:08 PM

The book that helped me was "The Power of Now" Eckhart Tolle.

BlueSky · #9 06-12-2011, 03:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kindheart

I've been feeling down lately, miss my ex a lot, feel lonely even if surrounded by good friends. I wish to feel happy and whole again, and for my ex and I to get back together in a healthy, romantic relationship once he feels capable of loving again (which was the reason why we broke up - he is too damaged from a past relationship and although he felt we had a great connexion and he cares about me so dearly, he feels empty inside and realized he is now incapable of falling in love (or so he thinks). If that's not possible or wishful, then I wish and expect someone even better suited for me to come into my life.

The thing is I feel obsessed with this, can't stop wishing for my ex to come back, miss him so much, can't stop thinking about him, keep asking for signs from angels to let me know whether he is coming back or not, etc. I obsess and fear too much over this, can't seem to be able to control my thoughts and emotions and doubts. Not only are these thoughts making me unhappy, but I also know that as long as I keep obsessing over this and wishing every day for him to come back, that I will not find happiness, that he will not come back, and that someone better will not come into my life either.

Knowing all of these things, why can't I let go?? How do I let go? I feel insane, obsessed, crazy...... It's like I'm trying to keep control over things by stating my wishes to the universe over and over, to make sure they heard right, or thinking i didn't state it as good as I could on previous occasions... but paradoxically I know I'm keeping myself from finding happiness and true love when doing so.

What do I do? How do I move on? How do I stop obsessing over this and let go? I feel desperate and need help with this, please :(

Maybe try imagining that what happens to us in life (good and bad) are dream-like.
It might help you go easy on yourself a bit and move forward more light-heartedly.
Just a suggestion (Some Buddhists practice this very approach)

Blessings, James

kindheart · #10 06-12-2011, 10:12 PM

thank you for your replies. your was quite helpful, FHTF. But like Silvergirl mentioned, it's more the fact that I lost someone, and a very meaningful relationship, that hurts at the moment and that makes me unhappy, not being single per se. (so sorry about your loss silvergirl... xox) I'm ok being single, and honestly I don't know that I would even have time for a boyfriend right now lol. But I'm mourning his loss, the end of something I thought was beautiful. And I'm very unhappy in this. I miss him so much.... I miss what we had (or thought we had, I guess...).

I figure I will find happiness if/when he comes back, or if someone even better comes to me and takes my mind and love away from my ex. At the moment though, even if the perfect person came along, I would not be in a state to start dating because I'm still too hooked on my ex. I can't think of him without crying. he`s a beautiful person even if he doesnt think he is. I wish I was done grieving, I wish I didn`t miss him so much...