Can one think themselves to death?

If I see through this illusion of life, and this illusion of me, is that seeing reality, or just a kind of death? And if so, is it a good thing, a bad thing, or maybe just yet one more thing?

I have to say, I have been aware that I have a thinking problem for some time now. I think I think too much sometimes, right now I suppose being one of them. I like to think about the underlying nature of reality. I like to dive as deep as my limited breadth allows into physics and see what insights and clues may be there. I like to dive into the psychology of my own mind and examine what I find there, often finding there is no solid I to speak of.

For a time, I was obsessed with answering the question, “What is real?” or “I am...what?”. I have discovered many things, found them to not be real from the perspective of what lies beneath them, but I don’t think I have come any closer to answering those questions, and indeed seem further away than ever. Unless of course, I just throw up my hands and say, “Everything is real?”, the answer is, “Yes”. IDK if that is legit or not, but it does feel damn good anyway.

In my wanderings, it occurred to me that if I can explain away reality as illusion, and explain away myself as an illusion of mind, and find myself with nothing left, what will I do then…? I mean technically I won’t even be there...no space, no time, no matter, no me. Is this nothingness not the goal many profess to be seeking?

So far, no matter how far I find myself wandering, I always come back to find a me made of matter occupying space in the present moment. Perhaps it is at the end of the day and I have just enjoyed a half a pint of this or that, or maybe it is getting late and I am just tired of thinking, or perhaps I just get caught up in all that illusion surrounding me in that moment. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Have I failed to achieve enlightenment? Is the attainment of nothingness the same as the attainment of enlightenment, or is it just the attainment of darkness?

IDK, but the older I get, perhaps because I have that much less life to have to face, the less I find myself preoccupied with seeing through this illusion of life, and the more content I seem to be to let it run its course. Even though, or maybe even because, I know it is a 100% fatal condition. Maybe I am just getting older and more tired, but I must say, I find the restfulness of it very satisfying. It feels like turning around and drifting with the current instead of swimming hard to get upstream. Do you suppose, at least for some, that this what death feels like?