Dealing with past relationships..

[srkan2007]

I met my finance (to be married this coming Jan) 2 years ago. He was with his ex at that time. His ex was someone he dated while in college and they went back and forth breaking up 2 twice and he eventually moved to be with her after a 6 year gap but it didn’t work out the way he wanted it to (they didn’t have too much in common even though he loved her) and he broke up and moved out.

I met him while he was with his ex and we fell in love. He moved to where I live (2 hours away from where he lived with his Ex) in the city and we dated for over a year before deciding to get married. He and I are very similar. We are both in our late 20’s working professional jobs. Love pretty much the same things, react and have the same emotions to things and situations and we talk to each other a lot. And are horoscopes are very similar too. I come from a very conservative background and it also took me forever to convince my parents to agree to this marriage (so this is a huge step for me)

The problem here is with me. I always seem to have an issue with his past. He has had numerous relationships since he was a teen (Like a normal person). I on the other hand was raised super conservative and only dated once before. He has expressed his desire to only marry me and has told me countless times that his past is his past. His relationship with his ex is over but I seem to keep holding on to it.

The other day I found some diary and pictures from his ex that had a timeline of their relationship (he still hasn’t unpacked a few boxes since he moved) and it greatly upset me. I told him about it and he threw them right away and said he was sorry he still had them. His sister once made a comment early on in our relationship to be careful if he doesn’t run back to his ex to which he said “his sister has a habit of saying stupid things”. I have even asked him if I am the rebound and he has said “that’s stupid” and that he was over the relationship even before we met.

I don’t know if it’s how I was raised (in my culture you have very limited relationships if any) or my possessiveness but I keep thinking he loved his ex-more than me or get jealous of the times he has spent with them (esp. the last one since he really wanted it to work out with her). And this is so unlike me. I am a very independent, happy, carefree person and relationships/men never really bothered me but this brings out the worse.

He makes me extremely happy and has not done anything in the past 2 years that would make me doubt his intention. The reason we both waited for so long to be married is because we wanted to do it with the right person and he and I feel that for each other. I don’t know if he is my twin or not (I don’t really want to label it) but it does feel like we both are the same in every way.

So, how do I deal with his past not getting the worst of me. Am I a making it more than it should be and giving it more attention then it should get?

[Moon_Glow]

Hi srkan2007! I completely understand how you feel as my partner of 7 years had limited dating expiernce before we got together. I am almost 4 years older than him as well so when we met he was 19 and I was 23 and had just graduated college.

I had never had a serious boyfriend but had dated several guys in the past.

It still bothers him that I dated before we met - much less now than when we first moved in together but it bothers him.

From the moment we met I haven't thought of any one else - I was searching and searching for years for my true love and got hurt BADLY so many times - feeling huge amounts of hurt and rejection and then FINALLY this amazing person came into my life and no one else existed or mattered.

For me, he is my sunrise and my sunset, my happily ever after.

I would never and have never had any desire to be with any of my past boyfriends or even see or hear from them ever again - because I found what I was looking for all those years.

If I could change my life and make It so he was the only person I had ever been with I would - but if that was the case we probably wouldn't have ended up together - as circumstances would be different.

People find each other at all different stages in their lives - and coming from someone who has had past relationships where my partner really only had one before me - I can tell you that it hurts deeply to know that it makes him uncomfortable. It hurts me so deeply that sometimes I begin to hate myself for ever dating anyone ever.

Please don't hold it against him - I'm getting all emotional just writing this - please allow him to show you how much he loves you.

He's willing to give you his eternity. He picked you.

The fact that he threw the diary away right away shows how much his past DOSENT mean to him.

When we moved in together I threw away every trace of every other relationship because nothing mattered anymore... there is no reason to hold on to things that only cause you pain, and being with him took all my pain away.... I just want more than anything for him to be able to accept me 100% - my past and all.

If you can do that for him - give him total and unconditional love - your life will be filled with the most profound happiness.

I wish you both the best of luck

We all have pasts, they can't be erased from our memories and if someone has been with another for a long time, shared a few things together,
there are bound to be memories.

But that doesn't mean his regretting or a need to be jealousy on your part.
Need or not, if you've had a fairly sheltered upbringing jealousies will crop up. You have to try to contain them.
Come to a frame of mind that there's no point in being jealous of his past. He married YOU!
If you had a fairly happy, secure family life, finding yourself away from it's comforts may partly be responsible

You and he are married. You're moving on together.
Look to the good of every day with him.
You must have already shared a lot together.
I tend to be a bit of a hoarder and have a few things from my past... nothing for someone to be jealous about,
I just tend to the sentimental at times. So there could be odd bits and pieces of his past lying around.
so if he's willing to throw them away then you can be convinced that he has put the past behind him.

Look to the future.
Don't let jealousy drive a space between you. And don't let others plant ideas in your head!!

One tip...always clear up any worries, doubts or arguments between you before you go to sleep of a night!

...

[srkan2007]

Originally Posted by Moon_Glow

For me, he is my sunrise and my sunset, my happily ever after.

I would never and have never had any desire to be with any of my past boyfriends or even see or hear from them ever again - because I found what I was looking for all those years.

If I could change my life and make It so he was the only person I had ever been with I would - but if that was the case we probably wouldn't have ended up together - as circumstances would be different.

People find each other at all different stages in their lives - and coming from someone who has had past relationships where my partner really only had one before me - I can tell you that it hurts deeply to know that it makes him uncomfortable. It hurts me so deeply that sometimes I begin to hate myself for ever dating anyone ever.

Please don't hold it against him - I'm getting all emotional just writing this - please allow him to show you how much he loves you.

He's willing to give you his eternity. He picked you.

The fact that he threw the diary away right away shows how much his past DOSENT mean to him.

When we moved in together I threw away every trace of every other relationship because nothing mattered anymore... there is no reason to hold on to things that only cause you pain, and being with him took all my pain away.... I just want more than anything for him to be able to accept me 100% - my past and all.

If you can do that for him - give him total and unconditional love - your life will be filled with the most profound happiness.

I wish you both the best of luck

Thanks so much Moon_Glow for this. I know my jealousy and possessiveness also stems from loving him so much. And i loved this "He's willing to give you his eternity. He picked you."

To think of it, had it not been for his ex, i would have never met him. So everything happens for a reason.

Your response makes me feel so much better. I finally let go of it (it may take time before it fully disappears) but for now I feel much better.

Thank you and all the best to you and your partner

[srkan2007]

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

We all have pasts, they can't be erased from our memories and if someone has been with another for a long time, shared a few things together,
there are bound to be memories.

But that doesn't mean his regretting or a need to be jealousy on your part.
Need or not, if you've had a fairly sheltered upbringing jealousies will crop up. You have to try to contain them.
Come to a frame of mind that there's no point in being jealous of his past. He married YOU!
If you had a fairly happy, secure family life, finding yourself away from it's comforts may partly be responsible

You and he are married. You're moving on together.
Look to the good of every day with him.
You must have already shared a lot together.
I tend to be a bit of a hoarder and have a few things from my past... nothing for someone to be jealous about,
I just tend to the sentimental at times. So there could be odd bits and pieces of his past lying around.
so if he's willing to throw them away then you can be convinced that he has put the past behind him.

Look to the future.
Don't let jealousy drive a space between you. And don't let others plant ideas in your head!!

One tip...always clear up any worries, doubts or arguments between you before you go to sleep of a night!

...

We have created our memories too and I need to learn that everyone has a past. Sometimes it’s just hard but I am learning and getting there slowly
And we do make an effort to clear up any worries, doubts before we sleep but I need to be better.
Thank you Lorelyen. All these replies make me feel better and I have made up my mind to move past all this. Its harder than I though but then nothing is easy:) and I should be happy he is always by my side.

[Jaynie]

From what you have said..Your fiancé sounds like a decent guy! Everyone has a past and I admit my partners ex girlfriends annoy me..we have a running joke that i am his only ever relationship haha. I too have found photos and things. But he chose me and I chose him (we are married now). I think it's a girl thing to get jealous over ex's..but sounds like you have nothing to worry about..he clearly is commited to you :)

[Moon_Glow]

Originally Posted by srkan2007

Thanks so much Moon_Glow for this. I know my jealousy and possessiveness also stems from loving him so much. And i loved this "He's willing to give you his eternity. He picked you."

To think of it, had it not been for his ex, i would have never met him. So everything happens for a reason.

Your response makes me feel so much better. I finally let go of it (it may take time before it fully disappears) but for now I feel much better.

Thank you and all the best to you and your partner

I'm glad I could help :) Congratulations to you two - I wish you a lifetime of happiness together

[Somnia]

Hello srkan...

About you talking about the diary with the ex...

It's quite possible he may have temporarily forgotten about the diary if it was boxed away for a few years. I know I have stuff boxed away I forget I have until I revisit those boxes. So he may have very well completely gotten over and healed form his past relationship with her and just put things "out of sight, out of mind" until you found the box and told him about it.

[srkan2007]

Originally Posted by Somnia

Hello srkan...

About you talking about the diary with the ex...

It's quite possible he may have temporarily forgotten about the diary if it was boxed away for a few years. I know I have stuff boxed away I forget I have until I revisit those boxes. So he may have very well completely gotten over and healed form his past relationship with her and just put things "out of sight, out of mind" until you found the box and told him about it.

Yes. I think he had forgotten about it. But just looking at it and all the pictures was pretty upsetting. I think I am much better. Time is the best healer and I am getting better at accepting who is now than what he was in the past:)

[Somnia]

@ srkan - I am glad to hear you are healing...

:)