Dating and relationships these days...

[FairyCrystal]

Dating and relationships these days... things have changed a lot from the past, haven't they?!
In the past when a guy showed interest it pretty much meant he was serious about you and having a relationship with you. This meant eventually marrying. So if a guy showed interest you, dated you, -the courtship stage-, you could be assured it'd go somewhere.
If the woman accidentally got pregnant it was the done things to marry her. Neither party had much of a choice (not just the man, the girl didn't either, esp. not her as her life would be ruined as an unmarried woman with a child. I think it was frowned upon into the 80s.)
In any case, there was some sense of security and a future if 2 started dating.

That is no longer the case. We can do whatever these days, regardless of gender.
Now we often have men showing interest only to then withdraw and ghost the woman just when she's getting into the guy and falling for him, leaving her devastated and wondering what the heck happened.

I believe this has much to do with the collective wounds of the genders: fear of commitment and being tied down for men, fear of being abandoned for women.
This goes all the way back to where we split from source into masculine & feminine. The masculine venturing off, wanting to taste freedom, the feminine becoming afraid as the masculine did that, suddenly alone & feeling abandoned.
That's the abridged version.
This is embedded in all of us in various levels.

What I also see is a lot is men not being able to heal after a relationship went south. Often 16 yrs after a divorce or breakup still badmouthing their ex and being influenced by the pain of the divorce that he should've bounced back from by then (I've come across this many times, not once, inability to heal it seems).
The feminine principle knows that death & birth, endings & new beginnings, are part of life. Mind you, feminine principle does NOT equal women, men also have part feminine in them, right!
But in general women know more innately to heal and bounce back from setbacks end to move on, even if it was a major setback. Doesn't mean we don't hurt as bad, it just means we are able to heal & recover better.
Also because women tend to naturally be more in touch with feelings and emotions and intuition and so on, which makes it easier to for instance talk about an issue or seeks help etc. etc..

And now, with everything shifting so much during this transitional time where we let go of the obsolete traditional we seem to find ourselves in a sort of no-man's land?
I just watched a vid by a dating coach on this ghosting and withdrawing thing by men. And it left me wondering why the hell things have to be so difficult.

I guess in essence it comes down to both genders overcoming their resp. collective wounds? Women building their inner strength & confidence to higher levels unrelated to a man and relationship. This, as women often tend to make that more important once they're involved. For this to happen development of Self is needed.
And for men to overcome their innate (subconscious) fear of commitment and being tied down, coming to realise that being in a connection does not equal loss of freedom. AND also learn to bounce back and heal from a previous connection. For this insight in Self and personal development is needed.
In a way for both also a healthier balance between the inner Masc & Fem energies.

In a way it is a very interesting time and transition, but when you're hoping to find a great relationship like me it sure as heck isn't the easiest of times. In a sense I feel, "Why does it have to be so difficult?"

Please bear in mind what I wrote is my own pondering, mixed with snippets of what I've learnt from many other people, and what I describe won't fit everyone. Always exceptions to the rules and apart from that, these dynamics occur in various stages as well, from extremely mild to very intense.

[Native spirit]

A lot to do with how times have changed now. if a girls gets pregnant it is unusual for the father to be around especially young boys.
The family dynamics are gone.
they get to much freedom now a days work is an Alien concept for a lot of them, they rely on the state to support them.

A lot of people watch these idiotic programmes married at first site. Love island
it makes a mockery out of marriage.
Its swings and roundabouts , not all people are like this from what i have seen..most are.


Namaste

[lostsoul13]

Collective healing and wounds~ I just know my tf, soulmates and children- the pain off reincarnation and it’s wound.. I’m in touch with my feelings but I can understand that if I was to date I could be fleeting.. touch and go- takes a lot of synchronised behaviour and signs to make me aware they are the one for me especially if I feel like they are ‘talking to me’ ~

I suppose women are so much stronger even though men come across as the muscular one :woman's game is as just as stronger but through evolution has lost the strength it’s just a inner strength thing, a woman has got reincarnation the hardest more points on her body that will cause her pain than that of a man, men have it easy- but don’t get away with things put it like that~ it’s just a game relationships- but we know women rule as we need them not just for sexual appraisals…

I suppose that will start to show in the society circle of relationships ect

Definitely women are taken for granted: that’s why I love all women they are so much more than they know! Strong, agile, aggressive (in the right way) true dominance ( to set the scales) and feminine! Hopefully it doesn’t get to hurt- otherwise if reincarnation carries on there will be no humans no more- I wonder in 500,000 years!!

[FairyCrystal]

Originally Posted by Native spirit

A lot to do with how times have changed now. if a girls gets pregnant it is unusual for the father to be around especially young boys.
The family dynamics are gone.
they get to much freedom now a days work is an Alien concept for a lot of them, they rely on the state to support them.
...
Namaste

I think much does depend on the background youngsters are given at home, their foundation.
But I've seen many teenagers get lost when I was a teacher at secondary school, not related to parents' standard and income bracket as it happened to the ones with more money just the same.
My kids were very difficult as teenagers too, but I think that's mostly related to the narcissistic stepfather at the time. He did a lot of damage which affected both my children greatly.
But... they had a solid foundation it seems from which they have something to draw on as both have recovered.
Both hold jobs without any problem (always have btw). My son is now a chef in a good restaurant, no education in that field other than experience. He's officially a logistics manager but didn't want to do that work.
Both my kids make good money and have good careers going.

Marriage, over here the registered partnership is very popular among young people. It is basically the same as marriage, offers the exact same advantages but not the disadvantages if for instance one would want a divorce. For the rest it is exactly as official & legal as marriage.

From what I've gathered over the years the reasons of many young people getting lost is them feeling/sensing that the old ways of doing things aren't right. They have come in with a higher vibration. They don't just want to follow ruts and routines just because that was the done thing for generations.
In a sense this trend already started in the 60s btw, it isn't really new.
Just that we are now on the cusp, the edge, of really leaving the old behind. And then there's also the generation (with an overlap with other generations) that also wants the new but doesn't know how the heck to go about it.
No one knows really as this is truly new, the very first time we're in this place.

I do think it will sort itself out, but it will take time. I think the same goes for relationships. We're in quite the chaotic time right now, a transition, and we're all attempting to reinvent how it should be, how it works, and how we want it to go.
We're all fumbling in the dark in that sense when finding this way of the new forms.

In a way the old Pagan way has something going for it: Beltane marriage for a year, children of that marriage are fully accepted as the family tree, inheritance, family name etc. runs via the female line, not the male. After a year you can renew the vows, or not, without a problem.
With that sort of relationship you never take your partner for granted, which I believe is more the dynamic we're headed for.
That would, however, require quite the shift in people's mindsets & emotions for as it has been and still is most probably couldn't handle that form of seemingly loosely, flexible relationships.
We'd have to truly become interdependent which is something that is still quite difficult for many. The relationship would no longer be the same kind of safe haven, you have to be your own safe haven. From there you connect.

It'll be a while before we get there. In the meantime I want a man, hahaha.

Anywho, interesting topic to ponder!

[Clio_86]

I live in a very sex-positive city (not Toronto as my profile says!) and I asked one of my friends this summer if he knows anyone in our city who are in serious committed relationships. He said yes, but all of these relationships are open poly ones. I also have a couple female friends here in my city and they multi-date many people and don't expect a monogamous relationship from a guy.

I feel like I don't really match the vibe of my city when it comes to dating, so I just stopped unless someone pursues me. It's too exhausting.

Originally Posted by Native spirit

A lot to do with how times have changed now. if a girls gets pregnant it is unusual for the father to be around especially young boys.
The family dynamics are gone.

Yes its all very sad.....

[RedEmbers]

I've noticed in my 30's pretty disturbing trend of men on dating sites placing "wants to settle down and start a family" as a guise to get a woman to have casual sex with him with no intentions of an actual healthy, balanced and real partnership.
As soon as women talk to them, they flip the conversation straight to sex and sexualising her and it becomes pretty evident that they really lack any vital skills or perhaps even interest in a formal relationship.

I am very hesitant to have anymore children so I don't tend to fall easily to that one.

[FairyCrystal]

Originally Posted by Clio_86

I live in a very sex-positive city (not Toronto as my profile says!) and I asked one of my friends this summer if he knows anyone in our city who are in serious committed relationships. He said yes, but all of these relationships are open poly ones. I also have a couple female friends here in my city and they multi-date many people and don't expect a monogamous relationship from a guy.

I feel like I don't really match the vibe of my city when it comes to dating, so I just stopped unless someone pursues me. It's too exhausting.

It all is a bit odd, isn't it?
Men seem to be so into sex-only while in a way you'd expect that more of women considering our history and where we're coming from.
I do know many people still need to work out sexual issues because of this. Lots of damage concerning sexuality and the chakras that store this. Thousands of years of abuse, rape, oppression etc. etc.
That left a huge void, empty space, in the belly area of women as we energetically withdrew from there to survive. This is our collective wound as women, and healing is to be able to get back there as it's where our true inner strength resides.

For men, if memory serves the sexual fixation is related to what you can call an empty heart. Lack of love, trouble with making a heartfelt real connection etc. The heart is the male's collective wound. Not being able to get into the Heart that is.
And if you take love out of the equation when a man connects with a woman, what's left? Nothing much except for sex. Which is a comfort-zone as men have always been able to sexually do and take whatever pleased them. Involvement of the heart, feelings and emotions, weren't required for this. Not even when it came to bedding his own spouse. Often sexual relations between husband and wife was nothing but rape of the woman. It all evolved around the pleasure of the man, which he was allowed to take whenever he felt like it.
In some African countries women were/are even circumcised completely lest they feel a bit of pleasure.
This imbalance, ability and rightfully taking from women, abusing them and not caring etc. is still very active in the collective of both genders.

Since we women have begun to take our power back, to heal our own collective wound, and reach a certain level with that (not nearly where we're supposed to be though) we now have some men beginning to work on their wound, without even knowing it I think.
As far as I know there are still few men that think, "OK let's do a workshop to heal this!" which is what women do more and more.
Academies & schools for the feminine are coming up by the dozens over here, so women are consciously and actively working on it.
The masculine always lags behind a bit. That's not a dig, it's just a simple fact of life.

So I think many women come across this imbalance now in dating where we as women are further in our healing and more ready for the new form of relationships while men are mostly still stuck in their wound. It seems they latch on to what is familiar and safe: sex.
Women going along with that will not help. They will only step back into the feminine wound of being used for sex, and it will do nothing to make men think and change. It will only give the unspoken message that it's okay to treat women like that, and that way nothing will change.

Hmmm... food for thought.

Rori Raye, dating & relationship coach, teaches women how to be truly feminine, to embrace this and to keep doing this. If you can, and mind you, this is not an act, it is an actual shift within, you feel amazing! And the icing on the cake of being like that: it does stir men up to be different too. You see them automatically shift into their own heart and empowered masculine. It helps men to get into their heart and to dare to be vulnerable too.

In essence that means we control this, we can help this along IF we ourselves learn to be truly empowered feminine.
I was there in my last relationship so I can say from experience that it does work. And that's not why you should do it, you should because it feels incredible!!
Unfortunately our still masculine-based society doesn't support it much so it's also very easy to lose touch with that again, hihi. But it can be done!

[Clio_86]

FairyCrystal, some of what you wrote makes a lot of sense to me, especially after reading a lot about the hormones which are released during sex. Dating coaches and many books have mentioned how women begin to fall in love once we begin having sex because of the hormones released. However, men fall in love during the pre-sex period... once they have sex the "love" hormone goes away. I can't state which hormones are at play for each sex, I get them mixed up and am too lazy to google. Lol.

Essentially, the idea of "why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?" has some truth. I always read that when younger, but I did read a scientific article on this concept and the results supported this.

I also read your other thread about FWB and the article you posted. I found it interesting and fairly accurate to the science behind love and attachment. One of my female friends considers herself very sex-positive and uses online dating a lot. She continuously has bad experiences. A few months ago she went on a date with a man and they got "together" on their first date. She began discussing relationships in general with him and how hard dating is and he told her that he would never consider her as relationship material because she wasn't young enough, pretty enough, etc. My friend was clearly very hurt. I felt horrible for her of course, but when I told her that maybe she should be more discerning about the men she sleeps with and wait awhile until she knows them better, she shrugged off my suggestions.

I'm not so great at dating, but I try to be somewhat discerning when I do date. I will look up the dating coach you mentioned. :)

[FairyCrystal]

Glad you find it interesting, Clio!
The thing your friend did/does is another not so handy thing many women tend to do: mention a relationship way too early. That comes across as being needy, plus men usually need time for such things to grow and develop.
It is best to let that happen organically and even more so to let the man come up with that when he is ready.
Remember, men's collective wound is commitment so when a woman he's barely been dating starts talking relationship almost right away he'll freak out. Had she not done that he might have gotten there, but mentioning it so early on is quite the thing.

And I agree with you on the sex on a first date. Matthew Hussey always said to not have sex until there's an emotional bond and you don't have that yet on a first date.
I remember once meeting someone who had real interest and that was mutual. Then we had sex too early, and I could feel this shift happening in him: I moved from serious relationship material -which I had been until we had sex- to more FWB material. Such a shame as we did have a very deep click. Everything was ruined because we had sex too soon. And it's hard to reverse that. After having had sex it is already the standard for the guy and he assumes from there on out you will simply be available for sex.
I never had sex on a first date, made a mistake that one time, a reason why that came to be (long story) and now back to not ever doing that again.
Oh well...
Not beating myself up over it either. As another male dating coach said: if it's right it won't go awry just like that.
And I believe that too.