fear of social media and being visible

hi,


I have an old fear that is a product from a past relationship, over socia media, Facebook, even owning my cellphone. I know that sounds insane. This long. The guy was labeled a psychopath. Really. I thought it was a pretty strong word too but it came out of the mouths of a doctor and psychiatrist. I did not know much about it at the time.

I am now at a stage where I have to make myself more seen, my behavoir of shreding away from social media etc seem strange to people and I get why.

I think at this point I have a touch of paranoia, old feelings that has come to surface but I feel real nervous about just the idea of having my name on things (like my own cell phone), being on social media and just being visible. I did not know until recently that it was still so strong.

I had it so much in my brain during the old relationship that I simply had to keep few people away from us, distance from us, because I knew he could work on someone real well, and I needed them untouched from all that. to have some people that were just mine.

if it is just paranoia, that chances are so small if not zero that he will ever contact me again, even if I know this, it is as if it does not help. I dont' get why? i don't know what to do with myself. I get to feel real nervous to the level i can't handle it. I can't go out there. Others I know love it. So many people just have a positive responce to this. And me? I'm this weird - right? People, friends, family, co-workers, kids parents, teachers - the list goes on and on about people wondering why I have shun away from all this. It's getting harder and harder.

With the break up, what happened after, made me cut of people I really cared for, unknown to them they were manipulated by him. I had to strangle all sorts of channels where he could think of going through. I was surprised at his gestures during and after the break up because I thought for real he was sick of me and had discard me.

I was very careful not to say anything bad about him. I would stay neutral. I would not respond to contact, if he made it, if someone he knew or we knew made it. I knew if I was gonna make it - I had to change life. I had no urge for revenge or being bitter. It more felt as if I survived and I was happy at only that, that I got away. That I got to be OK again.

What makes me very nervous is that I have to take one leap, one jump into this. Once one is registred one is registred and one is out there.
If it could only have been something else. Something I could take in small steps like one do when getting rid of a phobia.

I remember few years after the break up, having gone no contact, that i made a mistake to agree to come in contact with someone I trusted, that we both knew and even if i then had a secret phone number, cell phone, he manipulated this person to get it. And then it was on again, him making contact, me not responding at all. Til I found a way out again. I remember I was shocked that he would do it the way he did it and how he did it and how intense he did it, even if I was not feeding it in any way. After several years.

It is too me just knowing how well he could work people. I don't blame anyone. I have been afraid of the social network as it would then mean that he could come through using someone else. I used to feel protective of others during the relationship, but it also got to be pretty clear to me that I could not ask in return the same. As I did not want them involved and I did not think I would be believed I did not see the point in that. I was afraid of him. I wanted to pretend I wasn't, but I was.

I think it is a combination of wanting to both protect others and not wanting others manipulated to get to me as well as this old fear of him reaching out again.

Does anyone else have a phobia about social media? Owning your own cell phone for heaven's sake? Whats wrong with me? I should be able to do this - after all this time. This is something that has just been going on automatic, and I have been able to stay clear from this phobia, but I have not began to think how realistic is it that the past will repeat itself. How does one overcome it?

Do anyone know what one can do when one has to jump, take the leap, like this?

[Native spirit]

I dont have a fear of social media but i do not have a facebook account my kids do they tell me if it is something i need to know.
To many people share their life stories on there.
that is not me. i wont even have my photo taken.

It seems to me that you could do with counseling.



Namaste

[Traveler]

I think staying off of social media is a good idea. I don't use facebook, or twitter or instagram. I think having a limited footprint online is a really good idea.

Likewise, I don't have any social media account (which is probably to my disadvantage work-wise) but it's a minefield these days, just like the internet.

Gone are those nice days when things weren't laden with booby traps to con you into something you don't want like a subscription: and free trial is never free...it may cost you a lot of effort to cancel it. You give your bank details to a site and there's a hacker waiting around the corner.
I have a web page but don't disclose it on forums!

I've been on-line since the days of dial-up when it took forever and a day to load a 5 minute song or a picture....but you rarely got viruses.

It felt a lot safer....
.

Hi, thank you all so much , now I know what to say if/when asked.

still going to a counceler...i don't know...I think you are right about it Native Spirit but then I feel foolish because my brain has erased so many memories. but still such physical reaction it is crazy after such a long time. from reading what other victims of psychopaths has been through i consider myself lucky to get out when i did, that I was fortunate that there was no child.

i don't know where i came up with staying neutral or talking in a neutral voice. i have later read, but only after, that this is what you are suppose to do. perhaps it was that i learned through experiences but because I don't even remembering having those experiences I can't say that for sure. I only remember one time it was really bad, the reaction, the eyes. but only briefly so, 1-2 seconds of it. Then it is gone. I can't remember the rest.

Instead I got, I think this physical reaction - feeling as if underneith my skin I am nervous and then my hands start to tremble, and I remember hiding the hands.

The man I was to later become involved with has said that during fights with him that it is as if i go to a numbed-place and I give no reaction and have nothing to say. I dont know if it is a defense mechanism from what happened in the past relationship.

I have never ever been as effected, never had black outs, not remembering the arguments, fights with this guy as I did the psychopath. I was not on pills or booze or drugs during the relationship with the psychopath (and ain't on any of that now either). I usually have a very good memory, goes prior to the normal 2 years of age remembrance.

Anyways, good to know - there are those who are careful too about social media out there =)

[mistybelle]

I do have a Facebook account but I only use it to connect with family and friends, I don't post personal stuff. My profile can only be viewed by my family and close friends.

I also suggest that you go to a counselor

Good to know, Mistybelle, that you seem to be in charge, control with your Facebook account, that one can chose to have it that way too. Thank you for sharing that.

yeah perhaps if i talk to someone professional about this i can get around the fear, release the fear so it does not get triggered. I am sure that he has moved on a long time ago, but then there is always that what if...

I think it was because to me I was shocked at how easy triggered it was for him to then try to get in contact with me. when several years had passed with no contact. I had been a fool to think I was safe then. The way he went on it was as if no time had passed. It was scary.

WHen we had been a couple I was last on his list. There were things, people, interests he wanted to do, be with way before me. But it was as if he expected me to adjut my entire life to fit into his schedule. He would show no remorse or ability to understand what it was he was demanding. He had no respect for my life or the people in my life.

I had never before or thankfully ever after been experienced this kind of behavoir in a man. They knew their priorities. Even if busy with life. They made time. They did or said things. I knew I mattered. Even in the latest relationships I was told by several others why I would allow him to do this or do that and I did not understand. I just said it is what makes him complete and because I knew his true priorities. I did not ask him to give it up. I did not compete with it. I knew if he was to chose between that and me - it would be me. I never felt as if I was last on his list, if even on. NO man ever gave me that feeling, except for the psychopath. Even so - when the psychopath did not have me - suddenly he wanted me. But I was done. Way done.

I understand now when having read about psychopaths and narcissists a great deal (which took me this long to even start to do, wish I had done it earlier) that I had a vulnerability when I met the psychopath. I was healing after a break up after a long term relationship that had been for most part loving. I would say even very loving. To me it was as if he had suddenly dropped dead. I mean, I knew he hadnt but the shift, the break up came so sudden, it was as if a part of me was just in shock. Because I had not been single for so long I then began to enjoy being single but friends and others worried and thought I should at least start to date but I did not even want to do that. Not then. So it was not at all as if I was desperate. As if I was vulnerable that way. Still I think I had a vulnerability with me.

I think most of us do really have a vulnerability at the period in our lives when the psychopath or the narcissist steps right into it. It is as if it is looking for those signs.

One other thing I have learned (in retrospect, too late) is that one of the personality types a psychopath and a narcissist go after -and I mean HUNT - is someone who is empathic, which I have heard basically all my life that I am. Empathic and sensitive and fun loving. So these were the qualities. I'm thinking I can only thank my family for me having developed an empathy like that, they are the ones that have been given me this.

I hate myself for not listening to my gut feeling, my instinct when it came to the psychopath. Usually I like people. Most people you can tell there is good in them. The energy. THen we all have our faults but still you can feel the goodness there. But when I met him - I felt this strong dislike to the point that it almost shocked me. I would never then have thought I would ever start dating this guy, less become his girlfriend one day.

I think it made it easier with the break up is that I returned to that moment in my thoughts -when I met him the first time. My strong dislike. When I felt his energy for the first time - there is nothing one can do about that. I wish I should have stood strong instead of allowing myself to get flattered over time as he simply would not give up the pursuit.

In my other few relationships the interest has been mutual from the start. The pace of the relationship has been normal, or normal to me. A pace we were both good with having. Its just been this natural flow. I have felt secured throughout. It was not something complicated.

It was not so with the psychopath. It was like holding on in the curves. He wanted to move so fast, in all areas, and then it was blamed on me because he had hunt me for so long before I even agreed to date him. So then it was as if we had to hurry up just because of that. As if he felt valuable time had been lost. So that would make me feel guilty. And he could manipulate our surrounding/s and so friends would encourage me. Say I was so lucky.

Then as he went faster and faster, and I put on the breaks, it would naturally backfire. And then I felt guilt about that. I remember he asked me to move in with him and I said flat out no. I had my reasons. I think he had expected me to say yes. I explained my reasons why I at the time did not want to move in with him. It had nothing to do with love. And my plan was just as his at the time that we one day would move in together, that we one day would marry. I did not say no to that. But there were things happening in my life, things i needed to consider, and too the (insane) pace made me catch my breath. I remember I thought we are just gonna crash one of these days.

So when he began to treat me with cruelty - even then I felt guilt. I felt this is my fault because I have been too afraid to go along with the speed he wants me to.

I have later discovered that psychopaths and narcissists do this - they HUNT - and they go so FAST you don't know what's happening. There is the classic love bombarment (that I too did not know about til now). There are different stages.

What I find weird is the great loss of memory I have. I dont remember a single date. I don't remember right when an argument or fight start.

I do remember more safe environment as going to a party or restaurant (other people) and that is about it.

I don't remember what all the messages and so forth he send during and after the break up said exactly, just the sum of them, the idea of them. I know he used channels I did not think he would use.

That old memory loss - that is scary. First I thought it had to do with me not wanting to remember. But now I know it was not that.

I was experiencing lots of stress and trying to pass as if I was OK.

When I went to see the doctor, psychiatrist it was as a last resort - I could not sleep.

I did not go there thinking they were going to point the finger and say he was a bad man. I was describing my symptoms, answering questions. As far as he was concerned we were still a couple, even if we were physically apart. It was against my nature to say anything bad about him. I had and still have a protective instinct in me that just goes like that. I did not know at the end of it all that the result would be that they thought he was a psychopath. That there was nothing wrong with me. I thought it was me. That I should be stronger, but that I wasn't.

I would after never have a nightmare about him. Never felt anything about him in dreams or anything. He would never show up. It was as if I was finished with him. Like he was just a mistake I had forgotten about.

There is no reason I can find when searhing on psychopaths and the one in relationship with them having all these memory black outs.

I did not have a bad temper so it was not because of that that I can't remember.

Weird. Well, I guess I have to look around to see if one can do anything to release this stupid old trigger of fear.

[Native spirit]

Your brain is making you forget for self preservation.going to counselling

will bring it to the fore front and will help you.

how to deal with it.



Namaste

Originally Posted by asearcher

over social media,

I feel so bad you have to deal with all of that to avoid him finding you and contacting you. I have a friend and she got divorced and her ex husband was like that stalking her. She finally had to sell her house and move to a new state to get away from him. He even broke into her house when she was at work and took pictures of himself in her house and sent them to her to scare her.

Now days it is so easy to find out where people are using the internet. My friend changed her name and never posts pictures online and that worked for her.

Originally Posted by AbodhiSky

I feel so bad you have to deal with all of that to avoid him finding you and contacting you.

Thank you so much for your kindness. God, that was really bad with your friend, so happy she got a new start, at least. Smart move.