Tabane27, I remember when I first read your words on this. I was choked up. I could not write anything that I thought would be enough. My heart really goes out to you and what a true survivor you have been and are. I think perhaps now is the time as you say you go backwards when you are in a more safe place to do so. Have you been seeing a therapeut to help you go through the steps to heal? If you haven't it is something I would recommend. If we have not moved on from any previous relationships we take it with us in the next. If or not you are in a relationship right now you need to heal apart from that.
I don't think it is remotely possible to understand if one has not been experiencing it how quickly it goes when a person that you were involved with broke down your spirit. The mental control/mental abuse is insane.
I can only speak of one experience where mental abuse was really his key word. In the beginning I was strong, independent, knew what was best for me. I would say even superior as he was more into me than me him, but then something changed. Along the way manipulated in a way that today surprises me it could even happen that way. I had a stress reaction in the end and that is what saved me, it was when I saw a doctor to help give me pills to sleep for the first time in my life that the truth unraveled, and this was me still in it, him still waiting to pull me back in, and I knew then this was a battle for life, for I would be dead anyhow spiritually if I returned. I was offered help. I asked if I was confused, but I was not and I wasn't stupid either, even just to find out did an IQ test later and found out that no, of course, I wasn't stupid and I hadn't imagined things.
This was all a surreal experience to have because I never thought I would be that weak, it was like I did not know what happened. I could not process it while in it. It was perfect on the surface but threatening underneith and there was no physical abuse taking place, that is not if looking at us from the outside world, still it was able to happen.
What happened to me was so small in compared to what you have been through. It was seen to the outside world that I was very fortunate, that I was happy, only those close to me who knew me well knew something terrible was happening to me but I had no words. I was confused in a way that I just had no words for what was going on, I could not find any, I began to doubt my own experiences even if I at the time was not really confused. The ex had psycopath-skills but was seen as normal and a really great manipulator. People were not close to him. Those who were close, like me, well when I think back on it, nobody was close to him like I was, so I suffered, image was everything. He would talk about love but he did not know love. I think too what saved me is that I knew from his energy, I knew from how he spoke that he had only borrowed words from real men so I knew it was flickering, the more I saw of his real self it made me strong in one way but frighten in another. The connection we had was not about love, but still this is strong and not many make it out of there, so please, please be proud of yourself.
Be kind to yourself.
If you feel your current relationship is suffering because of your past it may be a good idea maybe to not just you go in treatment but the two of you to go, or maybe he understands well what is going on with you and you don't need to.
The relationship I entered after that one failed realized just by chance when he could see how I changed when he put his arms around me and held me tight, it caused a flashback from the past, and even if I then tried to hide my reaction he asked what happened to you? (that was not what I wanted so I went what do you mean?...I was thinking I don't know what happened. I'm not going to tell you).
We had to train that if I said or did some sign he would know but he would too avoid doing that. I would feel very stupid at times, in the beginning of us living together I would come home and he would want to lift me up and look up at me, be playful, another time quite recently we were joking around and he took his hand on my arm and pulled me towards him and I said no but he thought I was smiling so he did not think anything of it and then suddenly I stood there with my no and tears in my eyes over what was just a game, and old panic had replaced the good feelings in the game, so I am still reacting on something that is not even remotely near what happened one time in the old relationship. I can't imagine how you must have it.
Does your current man understand why you react like you react? You can spare the details if you don't want to, it can too be hard to remember more than the feeling, but what works for me is that you come to an agreement that if you say no or you do a sign or something - something just the two of you know - he will let go, at once, that will give you the feeling you are safe (even if one knows in logic terms one is safe anyways it does not help the reaction).
Even if you feel alone in this, you are not, he is there with you and he wants to be a support, I think, don't alienate yourself from him in these situations.
I really can't say how terrific I think you are to have survived this, please be proud of yourself. There will sadly be those who do not comprehend the meaning of what it is like to be in the kind of relationship you have been, who think it is so easy to just get up and get out, those who think they are superior, they are the one who are lucky and very ignorant, you are the one with the wisdom from this, the knowing, don't forget that.
I wish you all the very best in the future