Why am I here?

I am struggling with this question right now. Why am I here, in this life? What is it that I am supposed to accomplish in this life?

I feel a huge draw to figuring this out, almost like a spiritual pressure that I am supposed to be doing something and helping people somehow and that this life isn't about 'me' but other people but I haven't figured it out yet. The more the years go by the more pressure I feel.

I have had a lot of overcoming hardships in my life, more than most I think and I feel like it's almost been hurdles set out to cross to get to a point where I am strong enough to be doing something positive to help others.

A few things that have happened to me...

• When I was 8 I was swimming at the beach and was pulled under by a strong undercurrent and pinned down. Everything went fuzzy and I started to drown. After struggling, I suddenly just stopped trying and surrendered to it all. As my vision started to go black I felt a huge push and was at the surface and breathing again.
  
• When I was 19, I was pregnant with my son and sadly lost the pregnancy. I ended up nearly haemorrhaging to death in the hospital and I just remember looking up and seeing white sparkles as people rushed around me.
  
• When I was 22, I went in for a routine operation, to have my appendix out. Something went wrong and I died on the table and was brought back.
  
• When I was 24, I was pregnant with my daughter and they told me there was a problem. They had to operate and I would lose the pregnancy. So they operated, I had a severe reaction to the general anaesthetic and I went into seizures and stopped breathing. When I woke up the doctors told me they had only ever read about the kind of reaction I had in medical journals and I was lucky to be alive. Also, and very thankfully they said the scans had been wrong. There was nothing wrong with the pregnancy and my daughter was fine.
  
• When I was 25 I had a major accident and ended up paralysed from the waist down, spinal damage, internal bleeding and organ damage. I survived and ended up learning to walk again although I still have some slight residual issues.

Those are the most major hurdles in my life. There are others, like my abusive childhood and becoming homeless and living on the streets for awhile before rebuilding my life (that made me very humble).

A few days ago I was still and I prayed for guidance. I asked for a sign of what I was supposed to do and why I was here. I left it at that and didn't think about it again. I had a couple of spiritual dreams but nothing happened that was out of the ordinary until today.

So today I was sitting quietly and I tried to connect to my spirit guide, but it wasn't my guide who came through. I saw a brilliant white, blinding light and heard (in my mind's eye) the word 'vinesh'. I asked for clarification, and asked who I was speaking to. Again, just the word 'vinesh'. I felt frustrated, as I'd never heard this word before so asked again for some meaning and again, I just got the word 'vinesh'. Then the connection closed. Feeling unsatisfied, I googled the word vinesh as I've never heard it before and apparently it is a Hindi word meaning God. Not the name of a Hindu god, but the Hindi word meaning God.

I'm not really sure what to make of everything and I was wondering if anyone had any advice? Maybe some ideas on things I can do to open myself up to more answers? I have been toying with the idea of going on a vision quest but it would mean getting over my intense fear of the dark and being outdoors alone at night is pretty spooky

You certainly have had your share of near death expereinces, it is quite extraordinary to read all that you have endured.

My feeling is that more answers will come to you as you continue to open and seek out through the questions and connections you are engaging in.

Continue to ask questions as you need to and allow yourself and what you seek to continue to expand.

My sense of you is that you are ready in some way, having in endured so much it feels to me through my sense of you and your story that you are ready to take this into a space of giving back to others.

How that opens for you will be through the questions you ask. OPen to that stillness, continue asking questions and allow your own guidance to guide you..to where and what feels right for you..

A teacher for your vision quest might just be what you need..I know I had a spirit guide take me so my fear lessened the more I placed my trust in the guide that I knew. Perhaps you can find someone to guide you and help you and walk you through.

[renewe]

Toy a bit more with the idea of going on a vision quest (I am also contemplating going for mine), and explore your fears around it. Go for long nature walks, allowing yourself to 'blend' or 'merge' spiritually, energetically and emotionally with your surrounding. This could give you some answers - whether just deciding about the vision quest or even other answers in themselves.

Have you looked at numerology at all? I did recently and according to my date of birth and my name I should be doing humanitarian work or help other people. You might find the same, and it migt give you confirmation or guidance towards finding your purpose. And if what you find does not feel true, then discard it and find other ways of finding your purpose. You might find that it comes to you from an area or direction you least expect - be open to it, not too intently focusing on specific places for your answers (e.g. Someone might come onto your path that needs your help and your particular set of experiences, but if you're too focused on getting your answers from this forum, meditation or a vision quest you might miss recognizing the answer given to you.)

Hope this helps in some way. :-)

Thanks so much for the reply silent. :)

I am hoping to open a business soon where I will be helping rehabilitate young offenders and addicts. This is something I feel passionately about but I keep getting spiritually nagged that this isn't the big picture of what I am supposed to be doing and it isn't 'big' enough. Although I do get a sense that it's a step in the right direction.

I do feel like I'm the edge of something, or finding my purpose. When I was younger I was very bitter about my experiences but now I just see them as things I was supposed to go through so I could better help and understand others.

Originally Posted by renewe

Toy a bit more with the idea of going on a vision quest (I am also contemplating going for mine), and explore your fears around it. Go for long nature walks, allowing yourself to 'blend' or 'merge' spiritually, energetically and emotionally with your surrounding. This could give you some answers - whether just deciding about the vision quest or even other answers in themselves.

Have you looked at numerology at all? I did recently and according to my date of birth and my name I should be doing humanitarian work or help other people. You might find the same, and it migt give you confirmation or guidance towards finding your purpose. And if what you find does not feel true, then discard it and find other ways of finding your purpose. You might find that it comes to you from an area or direction you least expect - be open to it, not too intently focusing on specific places for your answers (e.g. Someone might come onto your path that needs your help and your particular set of experiences, but if you're too focused on getting your answers from this forum, meditation or a vision quest you might miss recognizing the answer given to you.)

Hope this helps in some way. :-)

Thanks so much for replying :)

I do feel very connected to nature and have recently been able to empathically connect with wild animals. I just have always had this fear of darkness. I live in Nevada right now, so the idea of being out at night in a desert is a bit scary :o Plus the area where I had sort of chosen to go on a vision quest was ravaged by wildfire recently. It's all out now, and safe but the landscape is dead and I guess it will soon be going through the rebirth and regrowth phase.

I have actually never looked at numerology. How would I go about finding information on my birthday?

[renewe]

Originally Posted by Blackhawk

Thanks so much for replying :)

I do feel very connected to nature and have recently been able to empathically connect with wild animals. I just have always had this fear of darkness. I live in Nevada right now, so the idea of being out at night in a desert is a bit scary :o Plus the area where I had sort of chosen to go on a vision quest was ravaged by wildfire recently. It's all out now, and safe but the landscape is dead and I guess it will soon be going through the rebirth and regrowth phase.

I have actually never looked at numerology. How would I go about finding information on my birthday?

Sounds like the landscape that you chose has quite a symbolic meaning to you, maybe?

Have a look at this thread to get started: http://www.spiritualforums.com/vb/sh...ght=numerology
And this forum : http://www.spiritualforums.com/vb/forumdisplay.php?f=38

I also found this web page to give a simple 'entry' or introduction to it: http://www.numerology.co.za/your_number.html

Originally Posted by renewe

Sounds like the landscape that you chose has quite a symbolic meaning to you, maybe?

Have a look at this thread to get started: http://www.spiritualforums.com/vb/sh...ght=numerology
And this forum : http://www.spiritualforums.com/vb/forumdisplay.php?f=38

I also found this web page to give a simple 'entry' or introduction to it: http://www.numerology.co.za/your_number.html

Thank you! I did the life path calculation and got 6.

Number 6

- Harmony, beauty, nurturing, love, marriage, family, responsibility, understanding, sympathy, healing, empathic, perfectionist, order, duty, comfort, service.

A website had this to say on the number...

Please note that certain 2’s, 4’s, and 6’s have a “Master Number” associated with their Life Path number; respectively 11, 22, and 33. In Numerology, this is the equivalent to a “special mission” they’ve been sent to fulfill.

This is the Life Path related to leadership by example and assumption of responsibility, thus, it is your obligation to pick up the burden and always be ready to help. The Life Path 6 is one who is compelled to function with strength and compassion, a sympathetic and kind person, generous with personal and material resources. Wisdom, balance, and understanding are the cornerstones of this Life Path. Your extraordinary wisdom and the ability to understand the problems of others is apt to commence from an early age allowing you to easily span the generation gap and assume an important role in life early on.

Your destiny dictates that you teach the meaning of love to all humanity through your strong sense of justice. Unselfishness is one of your main characteristics. It allows you to teach both old and young everything you’ve learned, with the hope that it’ll provide value—shedding light on their path in life. Always sympathetic and understanding, you find it easy to counsel the troubled without ever being critical.

Many unwelcome responsibilities fall to you, and though not easy to cope with, you face up to them and fulfill them to the best of your ability, adding to your overall understanding of life and true happiness. You’re cognizant of the additional strength you acquire with each adversity that you conquer. Eventually these adversities become like water rolling off a duck’s back and never try you beyond your endurance. You’re a great humanitarian.

Wow, it's all very interesting. Thank you so much for pointing me in that direction.

[renewe]

Originally Posted by Blackhawk

Thanks so much for the reply silent. :)

I am hoping to open a business soon where I will be helping rehabilitate young offenders and addicts. This is something I feel passionately about but I keep getting spiritually nagged that this isn't the big picture of what I am supposed to be doing and it isn't 'big' enough. Although I do get a sense that it's a step in the right direction.

I do feel like I'm the edge of something, or finding my purpose. When I was younger I was very bitter about my experiences but now I just see them as things I was supposed to go through so I could better help and understand others.

I have to thank you, from the deepest parts of my heart, for posting this! It has made me realize something big about my own purpose. Let me share... I've also felt the calling to help others - i have a need to inspire and help develop others to find their own inherent creativity. However, like you, I've felt that the projects that I planned or started are not big enough.

The shadow side of this for me is that I have started and stopped many great initiatives, including art classes, an eco arts group and a green art exhibition series. I always got great feedback and encouragement, people thanking me for helping them be more creative. But everytime I quit after a while, and currently I'm taking a hiatus from self-initiated public projects. Now I realize that I might have felt that what I was creating was never 'enough'.

Thank you for making me realize that whatever I decide to do is good enough, big enough, because no matter how I help people and how many I reach, I do make a difference, as long as I stick to it!

Originally Posted by renewe

I have to thank you, from the deepest parts of my heart, for posting this! It has made me realize something big about my own purpose. Let me share... I've also felt the calling to help others - i have a need to inspire and help develop others to find their own inherent creativity. However, like you, I've felt that the projects that I planned or started are not big enough.

The shadow side of this for me is that I have started and stopped many great initiatives, including art classes, an eco arts group and a green art exhibition series. I always got great feedback and encouragement, people thanking me for helping them be more creative. But everytime I quit after a while, and currently I'm taking a hiatus from self-initiated public projects. Now I realize that I might have felt that what I was creating was never 'enough'.

Thank you for making me realize that whatever I decide to do is good enough, big enough, because no matter how I help people and how many I reach, I do make a difference, as long as I stick to it!

Yes, even though it doesn't feel big enough just remember that for one moment in time you are touching someone's spirit, helping someone's soul and that what may not be big enough for you might be monumental for them. It is all a step in the right direction. Maybe think of it like a staircase, each step gets you towards the top floor, towards that purpose. You have to take all these step to get there, as they build a solid foundation under your feet.