How Can I Make Relationship More Serious

I have a boyfriend who I have been dating for a little over a year now. He's a really nice guy and all, but he doesn't want a more serious relationship at least not yet and our relationship seems more like a friendship to others then a romantic relationship. Maybe part of the problem is he's really shy and introverted. Despite this I feel I can be more open to him than most other people about certain things. It seems though he's afraid to open up to me and others for fear of seeming awkward. However, I really don't find him that awkward and sometimes I wish I had his sense of humor since I'm often too serious. Anyway I keep telling myself that he will eventually want a more serious relationship and that this is just a test of my patience since I can often be impatient. Also I don't want to force him into a more serious relationship until he feels comfortable. I'm not the type of girl to force a guy into a more serious relationship. However I would like this relationship to be more of a romantic relationship then a frienship. My mom even says we are more friends than boyfriend and girlfriend at the moment. My boyfriend and I were good friends for a few years before we started dating, but it seems even though we are dating now it seems we are still only good friends to other people. Also to be honest I would like more attention and affection from my boyfriend, but at the same time I don't want to push it any faster then he is comfortable with. Any advice on how I can make this relationship a little more serious without making my bf uncomfortable and sorry if this post is kind of long.

[RedEmbers]

He sounds dismissive and avoidant from what limited info I have read. It could also be true that his authentic self is not aligned to a more intimate relationship at this time or that you are incompatible based on what your individual needs are for a long term relationship.

One thing you could do, which will help to crystalise if or not this relationship is meant to work the distance and with intimacy is BE 100 percent yourself, all the vulnerable parts.

encourage him about the things you appreciate about him, if you really appreciate those moments of affection, tell him and also tell him how it makes you feel happy, safe, secure, connected ect, whatever, in your own words.
Create a feeling of safety for yourself to BE yourself and also him to be HIMSELF and learn to accept him for who he is while also gently reminding and often if need be him of your own desires and needs.

The thing with this though, is it requires you to have your eye's and heart wide open to the reality of who you both are and if through you giving it your best shot, you discover that you are incompatible, then be prepared to lovingly move towards someone who you are compatible with.

You will then take with you, the peace of knowing the truth and the inner knowing that you did your best.

If being 100 percent yourself works then great, bonus. If it is meant to be it will be.


Maybe also ask yourself why you feel comfort in a relationship with someone who is more distant from you then you wish for yourself...

[MysticalShaman]

You both sound really young.
Maybe he’s scared to be intimate that way?

Only thing you can do is talk to him.
Tell him how you feel.

Thanks RedEmbers. It could be that we are not ready for and intimate relationship yet. I use to be very closed and didnt open up to a relationship until about 5 years ago when I started college. Also I'm still a little afraid to be myself around him as I don't completely know how he would feel especially with how dramatic I can be at times. But then again I feel if it is meant to be then he will accept me despite how dramatic I can be. Honestly I don't really know why I crave so much affection especially from him at times. I'm not really the desperate type. I like getting attention and affection but I don't think I need it all the time. But then again it's normal I guess to want some attention every now and then.

[A human Being]

Originally Posted by BunnyJen90

Honestly I don't really know why I crave so much affection especially from him at times.

It may well be worth your while to inquire into this - next time you notice yourself craving affection, bring your attention into your body and notice what you're feeling, where you might be feeling tight and tense, and allow those areas to relax and breathe. There's often some sort of trauma at the root of such desires, and being present with ourselves in this way can start to heal it (it may also start to make us conscious of just how much feeling we've been bottling up, but this is just part of the process, as concerning as it may initially be).

That's not to say, by the way, that there's necessarily anything wrong with desiring intimacy, just that it depends on what sort of place the desire is arising from - if it's coming from a needy place, say, it's almost certainly going to cause issues in the relationship (eg. codependency) at some point.

[RedEmbers]

Originally Posted by BunnyJen90

Thanks RedEmbers. It could be that we are not ready for and intimate relationship yet. I use to be very closed and didnt open up to a relationship until about 5 years ago when I started college. Also I'm still a little afraid to be myself around him as I don't completely know how he would feel especially with how dramatic I can be at times. But then again I feel if it is meant to be then he will accept me despite how dramatic I can be. Honestly I don't really know why I crave so much affection especially from him at times. I'm not really the desperate type. I like getting attention and affection but I don't think I need it all the time. But then again it's normal I guess to want some attention every now and then.

It is quite normal to desire affection, that is human. Not desperate, we all have our own levels in regards to how much attention we need and desire. Hopefully, we can find a relationship where these needs are compatible.

I can relate, I am not the desperate type either, I push love away in fact, though my need for closeness is a hunger in the background.

The right person for me understands this need and desires to be close to me too and they will express their love in their own unique way.

I wonder, how dramtic you may think you are versus, how you percieve and dispell your own needs?

I often think that I am entirely dramatic, all I am is a person who desires to be loved and understood, much like many other human beings desire much the same for themselves. I feel more dramatic when I there is a relational miss match or misunderstanding in terms of needs.
My dramatic side is simply informing me of a need, trying to get my attention.

When I look at it from this perspective, I understand myself to be, just another normal human being who desires and deserves to feel loved.

It makes sense to me that I would act in certain ways which make me feel "desperate" from this perspective, I am simply trying to satisfy a very real need for connection.


I am simply a human, in need of love and that is nothing to feel ashamed of.

I think one of the main reasons I desire so much attention is because I was given a lot of attention by my parents as a young kid and now as an adult living on my own I'm really missing that. I still visit my parents when I can since I live near by but still now that I'm an adult the attention isn't the same. Also like I mentioned earlier I was very closed as a teenager and didn't start opening back up until about 5 years ago when I started college so I feel like I'm missing out on affection. As for why my bf is so shy I asked and apparently he is bullied online. Though I haven't asked him about when he was in school he was probably bullied then too. I have told him that people online are usually mean and that I actually like how awkward he can be at times. I even told him that I wish I had his sense of humor since I can be so serious most of the time. Maybe then I wouldn't always take things so seriously. Still he is very introverted. I think it's just part of his personality and though it can annoy me sometimes since I've learned to eventually be more outgoing. I can understand though why people would want to be alone especially when bullied as I was bullied myself as a teenager and back then wanted nothing to do with anyone. Still there is this part of me that seems desperate for intimacy. Though I know it's human nature to want affection I feel kind of ashamed of it as I'm still getting over being so closed back when I was a teenager due to being scared by sex ed.

[Altair]

Originally Posted by BunnyJen90

I think one of the main reasons I desire so much attention is because I was given a lot of attention by my parents as a young kid and now as an adult living on my own I'm really missing that.

I grew up with plenty of attention, especially as the youngest, but as an adult I like living on my own and have as few people interfere with my private life as possible, unless I plan to go somewhere. But in general I don't desire that kind of attention that I had as a kid. We can't be pampered all our lives. You're an adult woman now and you have to create your own happiness and attend to yourself.

[RedEmbers]

Some people's main love language is physical touch, and if they don't recieve adequate affection they become "touch starved".

That is why there are charities who work with older citizens where people visit them and apply moisturiser to people's hands, as a way to nurture that need for physical connection.

Probably why there are "hug clubs" as well and a demand for professional huggers as well.


So people are obviously in need of physical affection.



I think that part of creating our own happiness is surrounding ourselves with people who understand us or desire to understand. I feel as though people forget that happiness depends on the quality of relationships we have with others.
How do we create our own happiness without involving other humans in our lives anyway?
I would argue that for the vast majority of humans, it is impossible.
If I was all alone on a deserted Island it would become quite difficult for me create sustainable and long term happiness, isolated and one.
I might enjoy the respite but pretty soon I would be needing human connection again.

We are a relationally dependant species.

[RedEmbers]

Originally Posted by BunnyJen90

I think one of the main reasons I desire so much attention is because I was given a lot of attention by my parents as a young kid and now as an adult living on my own I'm really missing that. I still visit my parents when I can since I live near by but still now that I'm an adult the attention isn't the same. Also like I mentioned earlier I was very closed as a teenager and didn't start opening back up until about 5 years ago when I started college so I feel like I'm missing out on affection. As for why my bf is so shy I asked and apparently he is bullied online. Though I haven't asked him about when he was in school he was probably bullied then too. I have told him that people online are usually mean and that I actually like how awkward he can be at times. I even told him that I wish I had his sense of humor since I can be so serious most of the time. Maybe then I wouldn't always take things so seriously. Still he is very introverted. I think it's just part of his personality and though it can annoy me sometimes since I've learned to eventually be more outgoing. I can understand though why people would want to be alone especially when bullied as I was bullied myself as a teenager and back then wanted nothing to do with anyone. Still there is this part of me that seems desperate for intimacy. Though I know it's human nature to want affection I feel kind of ashamed of it as I'm still getting over being so closed back when I was a teenager due to being scared by sex ed.

My relationship with my family is always shifting form. It is in constant change and evolution as a parent/child relationship needs to be.

You are in a transitionary period of sorts I guess, still finding your feet in the adult world.
Some people talk about the saturn return which occurs just before and just after our 30th birthdays... Kind of coincides with this child to adult transitionary phase, if you are into astrology


My last relationship, I did not have the physical proximity I would have liked, I really craved physical affection, it is one of my love languages.

We were a little bit incompatible in that regard, we both appreciated our independance yet he was a little bit too cool and aloof as to my preference. I was very much myself in this relationship which is why, when it ended, I was able to leave with a sense of peace that I had done all I could on my part, I was fully present in that connection, not hiding from myself or hiding.

I am in a different, developing relationship now with someone who is very affectionate and also speaks in words of affirmation which is another of my love languages.
I certainly do not feel starved of affection in this relationship.