Stuff on My Mind
Uuuugghh, I'm posting here because I don't really have anyone I feel comfortable talking to right now and I'm even still aware that when you decide to post on a forum to strangers, the chances are slim-to-none that you will receive what you might be hoping for. I just need a safe space that I feel like I should express myself. I live alone and have for a little over a year now. I couldn't work full-time because I decided I want to join the U.S. Armed Forces and because there's a weight limit, I had to lose over 50 lbs. That means I've been struggling to have the things I need and want because I haven't made enough money. I've been threatened to have my utilities disconnected a few times and it happened again today. To be at my weight limit, I needed to lose 55 lbs., but just to be safe, I'm striving for a little more than that. I'm almost there, but it's still incredibly stressful. It's all I've thought about for over a year. I have "friends", but they don't usually think before they speak and that makes it difficult for me to confide in them. I have this one friend whom I care about, but psychoanalyzes me when I open up to her. The other flat-out told me she didn't believe in a goal of mine aanndd... ya know, that kind of criticism just isn't constructive. One's older than me and one is younger than me. I don't have a job right now because my supervisor didn't give me more hours so I quit. I just got a job offer and it's great (more money per hour and seems perfect for me), but my recruiter has been busy all week and I haven't been able to get in touch with her so I haven't been able to get an interview. I have little money left right now and I want to use it to get clothes that actually fit me. It's hard to lose weight when you're trying to make sure your pants don't fall off! Things didn't turn out how I wanted with my living situation and although I got positive out of it, it still saddens me that I barely even have furniture. I don't feel close to my relatives. I've faced trauma from people on my mother and father's side... Humans should be connected and I never spend time with them and it's hurtful... I'm sick of being at my apartment... It feels bleak. I have a cat and I think he hates it, too. F**K! Well, here it is...
"It's supposed to be so deep... that if you fell to the bottom and looked up, you'd see a sky full of stars in the middle of the day."
-Wybie Lovat (Coraline, 2009)