The subcounscious chose a partner for you?

I have this loose theory of mine that I wish to share. Please anyone else share your own thoughts about this, your own experiences =)

When I have and been in serious relationships, I can say they did not even look alike. They were not the same types, not physically or mentally.

I have since then tried now lately to figure out what did these few have in common - thinking it had to be something, something that I may not be aware of, that I have not active thought they do.

My conclusion so far is that I must have thought I needed a "tough guy" as I was knew I was sensitive. I was shy too. Sometimes I think shyness comes off as being unfriendly. At least it has been that way with me. Those I was into, that were into me too, thought I did not like them. My latest thought so until he said he saw something in my eyes, that I was into him, and said he thought to himself he was just gonna hold on. That is it took a guy that wanted to lead, or else not much would happen. Once I get over that barrier and am not so shy no more I don't come off as unfriendly no more, which is good, I guess, LOL.

I used to think that because I was sensitive that that meant I was weak. I was afraid I was going to mentally crash and not get up if something was to happen. I was told I was "delicate" which to me means I am like a porslin doll and can break easily. The way I would handle crises in my life was to keep myself busy and think in practical terms. Again afraid that if I allowed myself to sit down and cry about it that I wouldn't get up. I was always afraid of that. I guess I was running from it, but I thought I was doing fine. Or at least OK. I know people would tell me to take a break, but I wouldn't listen.

I think some people in my life even if I never told them my fear, that I was not strong enough, knew this anyhow and telling me that I was, on their own.

I think it got dangerously apparent when I became involved with a man that turned out to be a psychopath according to a psychiatrist.He knew no fear. he didn't loose control. I would even long after the final break up get a fear in me when I knew I was not getting back in touch with him or sending back a reply to one of the people he send my way to give me a message. If I had 10% guts to be defiant, I had the rest 90 % in fear, and I knew I still had to use that 10% or I would never be free. That I could only hope that 10% would grow some day in % when I felt stronger. It wasn't about love, it was about fear. It was a "pull" that victim of abuse know what it is like, and they may confuse it with love. I had to re-train myself to get out of, a behavior pattern. I had given up my power to him, and now I was taking it back without any compromising. And I was so used to not only compromising, but giving more of myself, loosing more myself so the other one could have more. I knew I did not love him. I thought how he was really treating people and me was terrible. And I knew he could not love me for real. All he at most could have had for me were abstract feelings, at best. He would tell me a lot during the relationship on his own that he loved me very much, that he had very strong feelings for me, and so that too was part of the confusion when I had to deal with him changing so much. My self esteem was bruised during the relationship, but it got back up again afterwards, compared.

I think I have seen a sensitivity in the other guys but unfortunately that sensitivity would backfire and instead take shape in them being easily jealous (the psychopath was jealous too) and a need for control. It also showed beautiful characteristics about them, that sensitivity, so I am guessing it has two sides to it.