driving myself nuts with this - where to turn?

know of someone who said was part of something secret and would not tell me more,reason to believe this person was not joking around.

my wild imagination and subcounscious of course can not then help to fill in the gaps of what I did not know

has happened more than once that i dream of wanting to enter this secret place but i can not as there is these astral defenses set up

saw a documentary where member of this secret what-ever had to place a photograph of a loved one and too tell a secret, so in case of being disloyal to this secret what-ever, they were out to get the loved one (how was not revealed) and to exploit the secret.

One time the one part of this secret what-ever was very protective of me, as in not wanting me in trouble with "them" who now "they" were, never revealed to me.

my fear, not my knowledge because that I have non as I was never told anything, and never found out anything (not that I tried or could figure out how), is if any ritual, any touch of paranormal had been part of the secret what-ever.

could there be any unhealthy connected between me and that one person's membership in the secret what-ever?

This person walked into this freely so it is hard to feel sorry for that person because of that.

At the same time I can't help but consider that it may have put an extra burden on this person's shoulder that unable, forbidden, to talk to me about.

where can i turn if I want what was unhealthy about this turn to get rid of it? is it a healer? is it the spiritual church? someplace else?