I get these strange kind of "spirit guides"?

I very rarely meditate as that always increase paranormal activity afterwards but I have been stressed out over the holidays even though it's been fun and figure I could give it a try. This has too happened to me in the past what happened this time as well - it is as if I get these spirit guides from the low level realms only they seem super intelligent, super serious. I interrupted the meditations when that happen. I pray on a daily basis. What to do?

Is this just my own mind creating these false spirit guides, or worse - are they real? Why so hook on me? Is it because I was stressed out (negative emotion) that I only allow such beings to come forward in some subconscious way? that I am moving myself on that level? It's kind of sad as I believe the wonders meditation does do. I have given up on meditations for a long time as it seem to do something, especially afterwards that I am not so happy about with all the strange activity.

I envy those who can just sit there and enjoy their meditations day in and day out without any of that happening.

I get it if it is me who is down and negative, that these are the types I attract, but if I am not - how come they still show up for the party? I have a soul connection with someone mentally ill, chronic, born with some spectrum of it and then we get the bi diagnoses on top of that such as severe anxiety and depression, the depression will come and go, and the anxiety is more of a problem. I think I knew from childhood something was wrong with that someone and that someone has reported, and is an atheist at that, seeing what to me seem like dark beings around me when that someone was getting closer to sink into a psychosis, it would too hear voices from the low level realms. Now - no more. Is it a good idea to do a soulmate tie cutting ritual if that will protect me more? This person can get quite vicious and condescending at times towards me, and well, everyone in sight, I'm guessing. It can too be the kindest ever, it all depends. I think I learned to adapt at an early age, read signs, as this person went on in life without a proper diagnoses (and help) before, but sadly because of that always put myself second, I think it was to help keeping that person safe and understood, but there was little room for my own thoughts and feelings (or protesting when being stepped all over as I knew it was a sickness). I don't know if that individual has those types around when being so fiercely negative of mindset and somehow it spills over to me. That individual has sort of chosen me from others to stay connected, have a relationship with and it can at times be exhausting to me as that person really lives in a world of it's own and can at times be really mean. I've always felt this individual's soul, though, and it is a good person, I know. It's just tragic it should have such problems.

[CosmicWonder]

Heyy,

You say three or four things but I can identify three things:
1. Are my spirit guides bad or are they unusual?
2. What the heck must I do with this mentally ill person in my life? & venting about it
3. Should I cut this mentally ill person out of my life?

Ok so the cutting of the person out of your life… well, tbh, I think you’ll end up with another one. Better learn from it what you have to and eventually cut that person out of your life when you’re done getting from it what you get to learn and etc. Else you’ll find out yet another soul bond.

What to do with this person? Maybe watch your feels. Let them go. Let it flow. Learn to just accept it. Is there a picture you’re not liking (like something that the situation appears to be?) accept it and let it flow through. That works for me. After two or three months of doing that there is an internal change. After a year the person might have either changed or be gone.

The guides. Now let me tell you, i don’t like my guides. I hear them all the time. They’re childish, far too playful, too fast, dirty and annoying. But that alone might just be what I need (they’re shaking their heads now). Guides, other than people, can invite new traits into your life. People represent usually yourself. Guides can make additions. They can be helpful later on. So I have met people just like my guides that I rather enjoy and benefit from. While when I’m seeing them in my intuition I just get easily annoyed. I think your guides are just the way they are because you need it.

Kindness,

CW

Hi Cosmic Wonder! Thank you for trying to help me out here, thank you very much. Ah! How funny (and annoying I bet) you have such spirit guides...

I am sorry I completely jumped the chapter as to explain what I meant exactly about if to do a soul cutting tie with the individual who suffers from mental illness. I have always been connected to this individual more so than some others in the family and I know this is a good soul that I love very much from a soul's perspective. I am as I write this trying to send or think of this person with the love that I have for it, even if the last contact did go anything but well. This person lack the ability when it gets sick to know what is the illness and what is what other people are doing, instead it is pinning it on everyone else and gets all unpleasant about it, including me.

I have tried to change myself lately as in me not adapting too much to other people's wishes in my life but listen to my own voice as well.

I have in a neutral voice tried to explain in simple terms to that someone that I have feelings too and when you say this or when you do that it is hurtful and I do not deserve it and so we have to have contact then when you are not like that to me.

I don't want the person out of my life, but when it is like this I do not want it too close in my life either as we are at this point triggering each other more than we are helping each other. I state some healthy boundries to myself and do it in such a way that this person won't come to harm because of it. I realize only now how dangerous it has been for my own self worth to allow myself to be treated like this with the excuse or the abuse this person has, as it is not confused, it knows perfectly well what it is doing, and if anything use the fact that people and I know it is mentally ill and therefor can get away with almost anything.

I have, feel a connection to some people in my life. For years I even felt it with my first ex - years after the break up - and felt his essence, his feelings and just did not know what this was ,but I knew I was not in love or wanted him back, but on a soul level I think he is part of my soul group and that we love each other but that that kind of love lacks any romantic or sexual needs, as I don't think we need that as spirits.

I would want to do some sort of soul cutting tie just to not be too close to the fire, as I then can not try to pull the individual up again but it keeps dragging me down with it instead.

I only thought if it is due to this darkness that this individual has discovered when getting too ill, and our connection, that has opened up for such spirit guides to show up, as this individual has told me it has seen such around me before.

I can only recall the relatively short period i experienced some sort of anxiety in my dreams and in the night when remembering old stuff from a bad relationship with a psychopath - that kind of anxiety I think helped build a bridge to the low level realms and for it or them to cross over into my reality. I have never before seen it that bad. With him I never felt a connection, I can't say I felt his soul the way I do others, but while being his I had some vision that we would be happy somewhere in the future as the present me was not happy with him but trying to fake it. I think the connection was not with his soul but with the trauma that he gave me. The anxiety part was a part of me I had completely forgotten about had ever existed. While I was in the relationship I was either numbed or tense. It was when I was out of the relationship and thinking there would be no more contact, when he suddenly had changed his mind and still wanted some form of contact, using other people to get it when all I did was to go "no contact". He did not stop like a normal person does, but kept at it. I knew I had to leave my world. He was after my people, he was after what ever it was. I was still so shocked about that as the months before when we had been a couple he honestly did not give a dam about me. If anything I was just in the way. He only had me around to ask favors of that he would not ask his important people to do, and I could just forget about him doing anything in return, that wasn't his style. He had no shame to use me this way. After all he was a psycho, but I did not know that then. He had for a year or so before we began dating been "haunting" me (I had no interest in him then, he wasn't my type, and I wanted to be single) and it was somewhat similar I was to later experience what happened after the break up. For a person to change that much all on his own without me having done anything, for him to have his cycles, without any trigger from me, was something I could not understand. Then again I am guessing he was the first psychopath I had ever met in my life. I was young and did not know what I was doing. Could be he chose me as I was not impressed by him or where he came from, and he was used to the contrary. It was a set up for disaster. Anyways I can't say I felt myself being connected to him in any way, except for that strange pull when he was trying to show off his powers, that he could manipulate and go through just anybody for the sake of either destroying my life or knowing what I was up to. I was by then even dating my first ex again and it may be that in my stressed out mind I tried to protect my unknowing first ex from the psychopath not finding out about us or doing him harm in some way.

He would prove to me, after I had been somewhere where I knew he had not been, that other people had reported that back to him, it was that awful. It was then, that I began to get anxiety and had to seek a psychiatrist. I also did not know, when he wanted a separation from me and I gave it to him without a protest and without picking a fight, who exactly he knew and if he was powerful or if he was not. But I did not dare to take any chances. My first ex who I was connected too was a giving person and someone people would ask for help and he would gladly help out, it was in his nature. to go from someone like that to a psychopath who only cared for himself was quite something. My first ex was this working class guy who knew how to use his hands, while the psychopath was someone nobody would ask for help to do anything, and he was always used to having people do things for him. He was only acting to be an image, to be someone he never was and I knew it. I was just as helpful as my first ex was, and he knew how to take advantage of that, but it could too be because at the time - as I was either numbed or tense - last chapter of the relationship- that it was a way for him to still have me around. I don't know if he simply made up some practical stuff he needed my help for in his home or other things as that would get me from A to B. I don't know why he asked. I don't know why I did them, I guess out of obligation and because as usual I would help if someone asked me to.

I had never been unhappy in my first relationship and still stayed on, and so that was the first time I endured unhappiness in a relationship and I did not know how unhealthy that was to me. And I had that vision still, but the present was awful. I don't know how paralyzed I really was - how I could even think that would be our reality one day. I was too weak and too afraid to leave. But I did not love him but I did not even ask myself that essential question. I just couldn't figure out what was happening. Not to myself. Not to the relationship. I swear it was during this relationship I was more than ever more sensitive to energies and just knowing things.

I have now self compassion for the traumas I have had further back in time and the knowing that yes that happened to me, but now it's over and it can't happen again. To rest assure in that. I used to be too harsh on myself and had high demands on myself without knowing it, and if someone got in trouble or something happened I would feel somehow I was to blame. Also in the relationship with the one who is mentally ill - no matter what I do - it is never enough. And the never enough is something I have had to deal with a lot of lately and seeing what is unhealthy about that philosophy. My luv has told me that he thinks on one hand that I am "very strong" but also "very sensitive" and that "you suck everything in" and need to work on that. I need to get more more self assure, more self compassion and self respect - and not be so giving that I give away important parts that I need to have for myself too. I need to stop that, my old ways.

Some connections I have with some people - they don't make much sense to me, to be honest. I just have them.

Like when I was in the relationship with the psychopath. I felt the energies of his home and in his bed and I felt a particular essence, feelings of a female and he claimed nothing of the kind. Then later I was to meet her. She had been real all this time.

I don't know at this point if it is a true memory or if I dream it as I was not all that well at one point after the relationship with the psychopath. But I have this memory? dream? that I met her again, at a party, and as she was talking to me I said "I know who you are", as in I know who you really are (that you've been involved with the psychopath).It sort of annoys me that I can't grasp if that really happened as I can with other things.

I always felt for her. I never saw her as a rival. She seemed to get nervous and I hurried up to tell her that it was over between me and the psychopath, and that I said to her that "he is dangerous" as in watch out. She hurried to say she had not met him since (since when I don't know) and that he had not contacted her. The way it worked with them (and here we go to the disgusting part where I feel he did not value her, and she did not know her true value) is that he would show one of their signs, some type of contact signal, and she would go to him. Like a slave.

According to him he had done none of that after we began dating. If he had happened to see someone he was more interested in at the time, he would not give her a signal. He only had her for one thing, he said. I can still see in front of me how cold he looked, his face expression. For a person to have that, for years, before I came into the picture without developing feelings for that someone - that is one big fat psychopath warning. Usually such things dissolves on their own as one develops more feelings than the other, or I don't know, maybe they in a smooth way translate into something else, if both then want that. I haven't had that type of relationship. I guess he knew it was out of the question to even ask me. I am sure he needed me for presentation and figure I could play the part, given how people mostly related to me, how I carried myself, and how i read people. He somehow knew I could read people - and he wanted that. I think he too could read people just to twist and turn, to manipulate for his own good and that was just awful when I discovered that, what he was doing. After that I would not be so considerate, I would not interrupt when I knew he was taking things too far - as I wanted the others to see his true face, when they got appalled and left, he quickly looked at me to blame. I somehow learned that he knew he lacked something, I could see something he could not, and he knew I could see it, and he wanted to look good to the world. For his own good, naturally. What he could get out of it. It was never about them. I do think he had feelings and that he had lust but it was abstract, it was not like it was with a normal or even someone else who is mentally ill. I can't describe it in any other way than that I did not feel his spirit.

He had given us different roles to play, we were both part of his staged reality. He never gave me her part to play as I simply would not do that, but she lived in hope that he one day would want her for something else too. She was drawn to the danger, the excitement without feeling what I felt - that there was nothing there. Anyways I was connected to her - long before I even met her - and I did not feel the slightest jealousy towards her. If anything I felt an affinity because in one way we both fell victim for someone like that. I had the privilege to know and learn more from my psychiatrist that he was a psychopath, she was the one to tell me, than I knew that our world kind of people, including "the slave" knew. I only remember telling her to be careful, to please, not answer if he made contact, but she was so ruled by him. That if he had done that - she would go to him. He broke me down too, but not like that, and where as I felt no lust and no attraction, I could tell she had it all mixed up. I had the worst feeling something bad could happen to her, and I wasn't able to pull her away.

That's all I remember her saying "He hasn't called me" and looking down on her cellphone. She was too afraid - not afraid of me - but as in afraid of him - what he could do, but at the same time drawn to him. She had emotions - while he had none, no moral code either. There was nothing there. If anything I felt more connected to her than to him. How strange how it can be this way, I hadn't even met her before or knew of her existence. I think I would feel for her even as I was out - that she's still in there. They are all still in there, unknowing who he really is. He was not like a narcissist, he did not need constant attention or need to show off his inflated ego, but he had undoubtedly a very secured way to him.

I don't have anxiety or depression or anything else of the kind and am now feeling stable and so on. That's why I don't get why these to me seemingly dark spirit guides keep showing up. I interrupt it each time. It is confusing to me because honestly it is as if some of them are there to protect me (even if I can't phantom why someone dark would do that) and others are there to harm me, suck me dry, and the ones that do not seem to want to harm me are the ones that are "higher up" on a power scale, or so it seems to me, but then too I wonder if they are truly bad, truly dark, or if they are there as some sort of warriors to try to get me out of there? I don't get why I have to have it so complicated while others are just having it so easy, that it is all about believing in God and then nothing else like this is happening to them.

I don't know what to think of all this. I just wish it could have been more simple. And why I have to be as connected as I am to some people, if I should even be that - that much? I mean - it's not normal. It did hurry up the process though of me seeing the psychopath without his mask on, I was seriously afraid he would blame her or go after her in some way for trying something, but she had not done anything. It was me who had discovered her - through her energies, her essence and I just knew. He was infuriated that somehow something kept happening to make me look at him in a different way, without his mask on. I think he was just used to fooling people. Used to deciding what role they were to play, what use he could have of them, only I was not sleeping no more, I could see his stage and what he was up to, but it was even worse than I thought. It did not help that I at times did not even know if I expected his baby or not, and what to do, to him it was clear as daylight we would keep it. This was a dark chapter in my life and I can understand as I got the anxiety back that it drew to me all these dark level energies, but now? Now I don't get it - why dark spirit guides? and are they really dark or is it my own fear looking at them that way? I can't take a chance.

[CosmicWonder]

Read it all. Tough story asearcher. I hope this helps.

Take a moment to ground yourself. Let go of all of this. Then, feel it through entirely. Feel everything and get caught up in it for a moment. But do so by choice. Feel everything. Then let it go when it’s ready to go. I believe, whatever is happening, is happening for a reason. But you’re pretty much caught up in it by instinct.

Now, meditation might just not be your enemy. But you need to focus on grounding maybe?

And then, the guides again. Let go of what happens to others in seeing what they’re seeing. Focus on your experience and not that of mentally ill. Let go of what you dislike about the guides. Until you can accept them. That will benefit you probably.

Much kindness,

CW

Originally Posted by asearcher

Now I don't get it - why dark spirit guides? and are they really dark or is it my own fear looking at them that way? I can't take a chance.

Hi asearcher.. I'm sorry to hear this..

Now, you really don't want him, or you don't want to see him as a 'psychopath'?? You like somethings from him except his 'psycho' behavior??

Feel free to speak with him, who you are, how you see him, what you really want from him... this is how in Indian culture of arranged marriage - before confirmation, the 'might-be' bride and groom let to speak for few minutes alone, to speak about future in like "This is me.. I have this goal, I like this and I don't like that, please tell me same about yours open-heart about yours too.. "

They don't learn it from experience, but in the first sight itself they exchange their views, so life and family may lead peacefully..

Speak with him how you perceive him and how you want to perceive him once and for all..That will lead you close/away based on his reply, and that's the right one, not to repeatedly keep on thinking about "his behavior"..

I'm not good at English language, so my words might be harsh/adviceable at times.. But I am always straight forward, speak whatever comes in thought, open, true to myself and expose truly what/who I am to others, and it brings peace to me, nothing to hide... It might hurt people, but it is far better than immense hurt at end of false relationship, sufferings of time spent and experiences...One who wants true relationship, won't care about being straight forward and Open..

For few weeks, I didn't watched Porn as felt no discomfort and just Peace ..But yesterday, slight discomfort happened within me in Non-duality, which led me to forget the peace and seek for deep down mastrubation first-hand easy pleasure again, and watched "Korra del Rio and Robin Coffins", and today when replying to Miss Hepburn found that, those deep habitual pleasures replaces Peace when discomforts happens in Exchanges.. One succeeds nothing in argumental exchange but only to make ego/knowledge win, and that surely brings pain at end, and that discomfort makes lose peace, so try to get pleasure from one's first hand habits..

Those pleasures are awaiting to grab one, so one has to hold that "Peace/Bliss" in fixing in One Need by seeing/realising these debates/exchanges/experiences/knowledge, raises Pain a food for Conditions...

Sorry for being/replying like this

Peace

Namaste

Originally Posted by CosmicWonder

Read it all. Tough story asearcher. I hope this helps.

Take a moment to ground yourself. Let go of all of this. Then, feel it through entirely. Feel everything and get caught up in it for a moment. But do so by choice. Feel everything. Then let it go when it’s ready to go. I believe, whatever is happening, is happening for a reason. But you’re pretty much caught up in it by instinct.

Now, meditation might just not be your enemy. But you need to focus on grounding maybe?

And then, the guides again. Let go of what happens to others in seeing what they’re seeing. Focus on your experience and not that of mentally ill. Let go of what you dislike about the guides. Until you can accept them. That will benefit you probably.

Much kindness,

CW

Thank you, will try :)

I've been googling and found someone writing about our Shadow self and that we have light and darkness in us and I have thought about if it is my own Shadow self, the suppressed me, creating or connecting to these dark spirit guides, or if it is those that I have been connecting/connected to. I will try to ground myself some more, and follow your advice on acceptance.

Much Kindness

[CosmicWonder]

Hii asearcher,

That seems good to me. I’ve done a lot of acceptance in my life. First stuff got really dark, but at some point I changed a lot. Basically after everything had crashed down and made me surrender deeply and deeeeeply. I was really broken. After that I focused on healing and letting go.

Such processes go slow. I love how you said “much kindness” at the end of your message. It felt warm. I see you, through your posts, as a sensitive and warm person who is really reflective and aware. Also pretty intuitive if I have to completely believe your stories (which I’m always cautious of) and you seem pretty involved in your past lives and current situation. I think you need some more pause-moments. I have a lot of pause-moments. I care about them. Else I get too caught up and live gets tough quickly that way. I hope you’re doing well. I always feel affinity towards you to be honest. I really recognize myself in some parts of your posts.

Much kindness,

CW

Thank you Viswa :)

This was actually a pretty long time ago, but I get that you could think it is in recent time. I think I have dealt with the trauma bond I used to have with him in recent time. What can I say? I suck at dealing with my past traumas, I've only avoided them before. Perhaps it is too recent and that is why still? It was suppressed in me for a really long time with huge memory blanks.

When it came to surface I again suffered a nervousness, I recognized what I used to feel like. I had to take it in steps, like you would do treating some sort of phobia. I thought as I was under great stress at the time of the break up with the psychopath that as I could not remember. That my brain simply did not register it, but turns out it did so anyways, it was only trying to protect me. I could only first remember the beginning of a discussion or fight, then it was too stressful.

I think I fell in love with his fake self. So that was what I liked about him, his fake self. I know that sound harsh, but that was how it was. It was his true self I did not like. His true self was at least in this life time that of a psychopath. Hopefully not in his previous ones or in his future ones.

I could not forget about that female, his "slave", that he had behaved himself badly to. The more I thought about it the more disgusted I was, even if it was before my time, or so it was claimed.

I will never forget the moment I saw her, for real. By then for such a long time I had felt her energies, essence lingering on over at his place without being able to smell her or see any signs of her ever being there. I couldn't shake off the feeling. I did not know if I had gone mad or what, LOL. I tried to keep it to myself. It was in a split second one time in bed I saw her before my inner eye, just a piece of her and the knowing was even more so, tremendous knowing. I knew her feelings then. And I knew what he was up to. I could see the dysfunctional side of it. And then at that party, with so many there, there she was in the crowd, I could feel her energy, specific energy "over there", and I looked, and in again a split second our eyes met. The psychopath was by then I think during his bombarment period or his hot-cold cycle (they have their own cycles these narcissists and psychopaths in relationships, it would have been quite fascinating if it wasn't so cruel) and he had his arm, hand on the chair I was sitting on, as to silently demonstrate I was his. Like I mentioned previously I had a completely different role that he had set up for me. I was the one he showed off to everyone, family, friends, got me involved in his life, I had the jewels he had given me on my skin. After that split second she again vanished into the crowds. Then at some point I couldn't take it no more and maybe foolishly I began to describe to him the looks of the woman I had sensed before, and yes that was her. And he couldn't figure it out.

I have tried to think back and as I know I see "the little things" sometimes, I think perhaps on a subconscious level I caught something that then came to my awareness but that I couldn't explain how I knew. I blamed "female intuition" to him when he asked how I could have known. As our eyes met that split second - that could have been a give away, for sure, from one woman to another. But the other stuff? Her essence, energy still lingering about. The split image before in bed. That was something else. I never did like it there. It wasn't home to me. Now I know it was because I felt his true energy, and that his fake energy, first front image, was not true. Again -battle, inside me. To try to understand.

I later understood that it was tactic of him to have his arm, hand on my chair like that, to signal to her - that he was with me and that she should not approach. I wonder how she felt that moment. I wasn't suppose to know anything. I felt kind of used too, when knowing afterwards, that I was placed in the middle of the old sick game they had, that that was why maybe his arm, hand was on the back of my chair. That it meant something else than a loving gesture. Kind of ruins it, you know?

I think I realized something wasn't right about him alongside I still had that fake image of him. And the battle inside me began.

I have always felt that every person needs to be shown respect, that everyone have value, even if that person does not believe so herself or himself. If anything it is then I should show it the most - that this other human being has value - by the way I chose to treat that person. It then needs to know I don't mirror it's own low self value. But all he actually did was kicking on someone already down. She was a nice person. She should have known she deserved to be treated in a better way but if she didn't he should have still treated her with respect. Then again his lack of respect and him using her the way he did told me more about him, than of her. She felt more for him than he did for her. She had low self esteem, low self respect and could not because of that stop herself, still hoping. She had agreed to these (sick) terms, for him to just give her a signal and she would go to him if he did not find anyone he found more interesting, to do that in full sight, at these same parties they participated in. Not even then was he a gentleman.

I could not understand what it was she lacked and where he felt I did not lack - why he gave us such two different parts to play, but when I learned to look at us through his eyes I understood and was even more disgusted.

He would also say to me when looking at pictures of how I used to look that had I continued to look like that he wouldn't have been interested. I remember my mom could not understand such a comment as she herself thought he looked "like every body else, nothing particular that stood out" while she thought I had looked better than he had "al along".

Those days I was young and did not know what to think. I had understood by then that some people chased what to me seemed superficial such as money, looks, and how they rated people into groups and couldn't be further from the truth. I never liked that. I didn't like it in school, in high school and was seen as more mature by some and not participating in it and I had pretty much kept that attitude further ahead. I did not want my self esteem to come from thinking or trying to make someone else feel less than I did. It was all so stupid. Also I guess because I was just one of those who generally liked people, as different as they may be and took an interest in them. That is what made them interesting, that we were all so different. What their story was.

The more I got to know him, the less I liked him, but I was still confused as I was still holding on to that fake image of his. I think I was grieving that image while I was still his.

He was trying to humiliate me til the bitter end, especially when I went against him as he was used to winning by his own sick tactics. It was how he treated me while we were separated that made me angry and made me feel enough is enough. When I went against my fear. I only wish I had stood up for myself earlier, but too I thought he was dangerous.

I realized later when looking back that I had not known my own worth, I had lost it along the way during this relationship.

I was fortunate that I could simply jump back in how I used to view him from the moment I saw him, and knowing what I knew about him later on.

There are those victims of abuse that feels the pull and on top of that still love the gal or guy and therefor return. With the split I knew what I needed to work on - and it was not on him - it was getting myself back on feet, getting my old self back (before him) and to start to enjoy life again, and I did. I again saw, even more than before, the warmth in the world and in people, in the little things. I appreciated those things a lot more. Before I had taken such things for granted. It was cold where he was. There was really no way he could compete with other guys I would find interesting in a romantic way, and it was as if his inflated, secured self just did not get that. How I had changed. I guess perhaps he and others wondered how come i had changed as much as I had and why I was adamant to get my life back. Where I got the strength from. I partly got it from the psychiatrist who was the first to tell me he was a psychopath and what had happened to me was "mental abuse". I had never even heard of the concept before, "Mental abuse", I didn't know what that was. Everything that had happened to me had been a perfectly normal response from the psychopath's abuse.

I feel I have made peace, as much as I can with the past I have with him, but could be even if I have made a soul tie cutting and feel I have gone through all there is to go through, that because of a former connection, or maybe my own Shadow self, the dark inside me, is resulting in these dark spirit guides? I know one thing, had I not thought to myself enough is enough, and going against my fear, and allowing myself to be angry, I would not have gotten out of the pit hole I had been stuck in. There for I think anger can be a good thing, it gives you that extra push you need and then you see clearly. I was finally starting to see my own value again.

I think it is great that you are honest, I think too that is the way to go. Lots of good points!:)

Namaste

Originally Posted by CosmicWonder

Hii asearcher,

That seems good to me. I’ve done a lot of acceptance in my life. First stuff got really dark, but at some point I changed a lot. Basically after everything had crashed down and made me surrender deeply and deeeeeply. I was really broken. After that I focused on healing and letting go.

Such processes go slow. I love how you said “much kindness” at the end of your message. It felt warm. I see you, through your posts, as a sensitive and warm person who is really reflective and aware. Also pretty intuitive if I have to completely believe your stories (which I’m always cautious of) and you seem pretty involved in your past lives and current situation. I think you need some more pause-moments. I have a lot of pause-moments. I care about them. Else I get too caught up and live gets tough quickly that way. I hope you’re doing well. I always feel affinity towards you to be honest. I really recognize myself in some parts of your posts.

Much kindness,

CW

Hi Cosmic Wonder! That is so super sweet of you to think that of me, I think the same of you! What great courage you have to have gone down that road and found your way on the other side.

That is what I have always been afraid of - going deep down in the darkness, negative emotions. I think I have feared if I go down there I might not get up again. That I won't be strong enough. That I will end up insane as a result. Also the darn poltergeist activity starts off and the low level realm bridge too. And so then I try to lift myself up again without ever having landed on the ground as my way down to do that also spark such things off. I have to find some way around it. I thought before it was confided only to the home but turns out it was at work too, so much so colleagues began to notice, someone holding on to a piece as it was one of it's favorites, did not want it to go in pieces.

My mom said I use to have a temper when I was a child and then later in life my dad actually complimented her on how she had worked on me to not have that. He had a temper too but showed it on extreme rare occasions around me and I knew he would never hurt me.

Then again I have thought if I had my temper because I knew how I died in my past life, angry and afraid.

My dad seemed to have been the only one who truly understood something was going on and so when I would get out of these horrid nightmares of how I as this grown adult was killed, again and again, he would take my emotions coming out of the nightmare or again falling back into it and then out of it again. Mom said he was the only one who would do that. Never would he shake me or tell me sharply to stop it. I just remember him trying to comfort me. I wonder how much he knew. He did ask me later in life if I still had that nightmare and I didn't. We never said it was past life stuff.

The question I have now is that I wonder if it was such a good thing to do that what my mom was up to to try to shuff down my temper down my throat. She would do silent treatment on me as well, week long or so, never did it to any other kid, just me, and it was a cruel act I would never subject any child too but she claimed I was so high strong that she felt it was the only way to go. She might have done more damage than good. Then again I think she felt solo responsible for me, not like how it was with the others having a dad around.

I think too it was more allowed for boys to show off a temper than a girl. What is with that? Are we so afraid in society that a girl is less girlish if she shows temper? I bet other things goes for boys too, that I can't report on (as I'm no boy, LOL). What's wrong with letting people just be people?

We have never adjusted or tried to suppress our child's tempers depending on the sex and we have never done silence treatments. It is tough to raise children though and I get why we sometimes think we do the right thing but end up doing the wrong thing. She did a lot of great things too, mom, I mean. Shouldn't beat down on her like that. Most likely the same had been done on her. Maybe she was not so aware that she had a temper herself, only a different one. I could see it anyways. I never told her to shuff it.

I had more of a temper when I was in my first romantic relationship, for years, and he didn't mind, he said he used to have a worse temper and that he had gone in anger management of some kind when younger. Guess they didn't like his temper either. Yet it was so obvious he was a good guy. Even then once or twice my mom would tell me that I should not show my temper towards my boyfriend (first love) as she thought it would be bad. I don't know what was up with her. I remember just telling him he can take it. He never complained about it. I don't think my temper was abnormal, but somehow in her eyes it was, as if girls, women should not have it like that. Also another weird thing, now when I come to think of it, is that I remember saying one time as my first boyfriend was on his way over that can't he be here soon, I miss him. She said to me, straight off, to not long for him like that, as if she thought that was unattractive. I am starting to suspect she had her own issues and how to behave in a romantic relationship that she thought was right, but could have been wrong. I would sometimes act "cool" around my first boyfriend because of it when he came, but I think he saw through it. I think he saw through a lot.

I remember one time with the psycho I said and did something that I could have done in my first relationship but as the response was different, his mask off, not like how it was with my first ex, I think I became more aware and more cautious. My ongoing luv would express in therapy that he gets even more frustrated, angry (=afraid) as he felt he could not connect to me during our fights, and he said he felt as if he had become "one big drama queen", his words. I think it has done some damage, the mental abuse done to me by the psychopath whilst in it, but at the same time quite hard to say as mostly I only remember the beginning of an argument or fight.

If I am to report on how the ending went with me and psycho, I know that it does not sound normal, healthy. That I should have displayed some sort of emotion, may it be sadness, anger, what it now may have been. But I never even raised my voice to him. He acted like a pig and what ever I felt or thought about that - that went inwards. His temper would shift without warning, suddenly, over little things, non important, when he was not on guard, when not even his fake image could be fast enough to hide it. Typical for psychopaths. I think sometimes we can see such a scene in a movie, when some slick character acts one way (over doing it of course) to someone else then doing something it is not planning for and the sudden change. It was always when he was unguarded that I could see his true self, where as when I see it in others I see their goodness.

Thank you I am doing quite good now, more stability in my life, my romantic life. I have to remind myself to not go back though (in time), but trust that this is a new chapter for us and that we're gonna make it this time. We have better understanding for each other, at least. We've talked about our respective ex's as well. I can see where his connection, had in commons with his ex, and where mine was. It's all out there. I never discussed anything with anyone before about that. I thought it would be a really dumb idea to do that with someone new, as I did not want that between us, some old boyfriend story. But it's all good now. Sometimes the bad stuff is in the darkness (not knowing) and when it is lifted up to broad day light it doesn't look so bad, after all. I guess it is just that part where I have to go all the way to fetch it, on the deepest dark ocean if feels and then hope I can have the strength to swim my way up again?

Thank you so much for your concern :)

All the best to you

Much kindness (again, hi hi)

[CosmicWonder]

Hii asearcher,

You seem to be processing a lot. It’s good to talk it out. Maybe try to feel the core of it and then let that go as well. And try to move on when you’re ready.

Much kindness, again!