One thing I have trouble forgiving myself for

[SmallVoice]

At the beginning of 2020, my wife and I took in a foster child. It was mostly my idea, and looking back now, I know I went into it for the wrong reasons. My Catholic upbringing had instilled in me a lot of guilt over not having children. Growing up, my mother repeatedly made derisive comments about people who didn't have children and I internalized a lot of it. So I decided to become a foster parent, not out of a genuine love for children, but to repent for being in a marriage that could not naturally produce children. This was wrong, I know this now, but it wasn't until after the fact that I came to this realization.

The lockdowns started literally the day after our foster daughter moved in with us. I was furloughed from my job and suddenly spending every day homeschooling a 13 year-old girl who was way behind in her education. Likewise, she went from having eight other siblings to not having any other kids to play with, and CYS canceled all visits with her family, which was greatly distressing to her. She was a pretty well-behaved child all things considered, but as the lockdown progressed, we all became more and more unhappy with the arrangement. We were arguing constantly and tensions started to build, until finally she asked to be moved to another home. By that point, my wife and I had given up, so we contacted her social worker to make the arrangements. She was very content with this decision up until she informed her mother, who reprimanded her for asking to leave a good foster home. Then, she came to us and told her she had changed her mind, but by then, my wife was over it and so was I. Her social worker found her a new placement with a teacher she was close to, and when she found this out, she was overjoyed.

After she left, we kept in contact with her and her new foster mother. However, roughly a year later, her foster mother informed me that she was no longer in her care. She had been suffering from severe PTSD, which her foster mother tried to get her help for, but the resources provided by CYS were ineffective to say the least. She eventually snapped and had a violent outburst at school, and CYS snatched her up and moved her to a new home. She ran away from this home and assaulted a police officer when they found her. She then spent a few months in juvie, and I wrote a letter to her while she was there. She wrote back begging for us to take her back in, but my wife flat out refused to entertain the idea. After I relayed this refusal to my foster daughter, I didn't hear from her again.

She is currently living a group home roughly an hour away from me. Her foster mother has invited me to come visit her, but my wife is against the idea. She is not a callous person, but she is very bitter about what happened and is probably about as angry at our foster daughter as she is at CYS. I'm also conflicted about what to do. It almost feels cruel to visit, as it might just give her hope for a rescue that will not come. But at the same time, I feel like I'm abandoning her and further contributing to her trauma. I know there is really nothing I can do that will ultimately help her heal from all she's been through, but I can't forgive myself for getting involved in the first place. I went into it for the wrong reasons and only ended up hurting the same child I was trying to help. I have told this to multiple people and they all say that I tried my best, I'm being too hard on myself, etc. But I said some very unkind things to and about her, and I know that part of me just wants to forget it ever happened. But my foster daughter has to live with the repercussions everyday, I can't just forget about her. I don't know what to do or how to handle the situation or how to forgive myself for it. I'm just paralyzed with guilt and indecision and I don't know where to go from here.

[pixiedust]

What about if you write a letter to her, but keep things that might hurt her out of it. At the same time, explain to her that you care but you don't feel you can do this role. I mean the way you write here strikes me as sincere, and honest. But what I also hear is the guilt - is this guilt a continuation of what started this.
i.e. Perhaps look into this guilt you carry and may color your decisions.

Blessings.

[JustBe]

One of the greatest gifts we can give back to society and children is to heal our trauma and wounds.

When we do we get very clear in supporting others without any projections into people from places of our own lack.

I would look at the guilt which feels all consuming in your post. Your guilt is wanting to reach her. Not you clear. She is a reflection for you to heal guilt and probably shame too.

Religious conditioning tends to activate this in most of us raised by it.

So look at this and heal this. Then see what movements towards her might feel like then.

We do more good for children, when we get out of our own way. When we heal our own trauma.

When we get clear and grounded we move from a place of authentic action.

[Native spirit]

You remind me of my brother he is a Christian a lay preacher he fostered kids even though they had a biological child who was born with Edwards syndrome.
that was his idea not my sister in laws,

He sometimes hears from one of them when he is in prison or wants something,
You have nothing to feel guilty for you gave the girl a home it didn't work out.it sounds like it does not matter where she goes unless she gets counselling.it wont change

Namaste

[SmallVoice]

Originally Posted by Native spirit

He sometimes hears from one of them when he is in prison or wants something

I think this is why my wife doesn't want me to keep in touch: because we both know that she doesn't really want us in her life. We are convenient to have around when she needs rescuing, but what she really wants is her family. And even though they are incredibly toxic and dysfunctional and the worst possible influence, they're still her family and I can't blame her for wanting to be with them.

I just remember her telling me once that, after being in so many foster homes, she feels like no one wants her. But at the same time, she doesn't really seem to want anyone else, so I don't know if I'm letting her down or letting her have her way.

[Miss Hepburn]

Originally Posted by SmallVoice

... so I don't know if I'm letting her down or letting her have her way.

Well, when a person asks God in prayer for something they need ...do you think God thinks ...
"I better not help her, she will think she is getting her way"?

God often is ignored unless someone is in trouble and needs something ...
Do you think He ignores them because that's the only time He hears from them?
That is a classic philosophical question people have pondered for ages.

Now, if she were using you for feeding a drug habit...that's a whole diff thing.
I see her as a child that has had it tough!

[SmallVoice]

Originally Posted by JustBe

We do more good for children, when we get out of our own way. When we heal our own trauma.

I actually ran into a former foster child prior to her moving in who said something similar. He said, "Please, get therapy before you proceed with this." But I brushed him off because I didn't think I needed therapy. I thought that because I was no longer practicing, my upbringing and former religion no longer had any influence over me. Plus, he was a Christian himself with some homophobic attitudes, so I didn't want to listen to anything he had to say.

But he was right. I should have gotten therapy. It was only when I got therapy afterwards that I realized my idiotic reasoning for taking in a child suffering from serious trauma. I had just assumed that when my parents and other religious conservatives in my life said you had to raise children to live a meaningful life, they were right.

[SmallVoice]

Originally Posted by Miss Hepburn

Well, when a person asks God in prayer for something they need ...do you think God thinks ...
"I better not help her, she will think she is getting her way"?

So what do you suggest I do? Take her back in against the wishes of my wife? Destroy my marriage so that she can live with me a few years and then leave when she's 18 to go be with her mom? Never mind that I don't make enough money to live on my own, let alone support a child. There's a vast difference between what resources I have at my disposal and what God does.

[Miss Hepburn]

Originally Posted by SmallVoice

Never mind that I don't make enough money to live on my own, let alone support a child.
There's a vast difference between what resources I have at my disposal and what God does.

That's true...so...do what you want to...I was not telling you to do anything.
The extremes of doing things either from anger or guilt is not my thing.
All the best to you. :) Sorry to have introduced more confusion to your situation.

[Native spirit]

This foster child has affected you badly even though you may not see it.
she has touched a nerve.
You should wish her well and cut all contact with her.
she has deep psychological problems that she needs to address through counselling


Namaste