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Hi Izz,
(edited my first responce)
I have experienced it in different ways, perspectives, too as a viewer of it happening. so I would say I have both been a victim of narcissistic abuse and been a viewer of it (that is someone else being the victim).
The isolation part I think is due to the narcissist having a need to have control. And that gets more difficult the more people that are around, especially if it is people who comes from other families, have other perspectives and can react and see that it isn't normal, as it has gotten normal over time to the narcissist's family. There might also be more than one narcissist in the family which then only strengthen their view of it being normal even if it isn't.
It is also so, I've experienced, that over time the people that are invited in the narcissist's family, may react as well and withdraw. It works both ways. I have def withdrawn from a family where a narcissist rules.
I had a past romantic relationship with a psychopath when I was young (I'm not old now but you know what i mean) and on the question if we lived an isolated life style, no we did not. He had a great need to have lots of people in our lives and activities, he needed that constant flow of "narc supply", as I have later discovered it is called. But somehow he was still in charge over the people. It was a different type of isolation I felt with him, I felt alone even if other people, nice people, were around us too. The isolation part was then that he had one mask to show the crowd, and if, when his mask fell off it was only me and him there. I would say unlike a narcissist I know he had no need to be the center of attention, but he always had a sort of silent strict, superior way about him. People found him charming and that he had a sense of humor. No one thought he was dangerous. Everyone in his world, that he welcomed me into, treated me well - throughout even during and after the break up. But I also learned that he had his way of getting people out of our lives without so much telling me so, I would find out afterwards. These were people that he saw as a threat. It could be jealousy (for no reason). It could be people that were strong, mentally and would stand up to him. He would also use tactics on me to try to intimidate me, to let me know he could manipulate people so well for any purpose, that he could turn them against me if he wanted, that he could turn them for me, that he could keep a watch on me through other people even if he was not around (this happened especially after the break up, one person or more would report back to him and he would let me know). He wanted to let me know he was "powerful" and that I would never know who's eyes were watching me, if that was someone he knew or not.
When he was irritated at me without me knowing what I had done wrong, he acted as if I was a snake he wanted to get off his shoulders. He told me some things he thought of me. I was listening to him. Interestingly enough he just happened to use the words and how he looked at me, how he felt as in relation with me, which was - and check this out - the exact opposite of what people had said about me, spontaneously, as one of my strong points, one of my positive qualities.
I remember thinking about that later on. Should I really be with someone who feels like that about that quality of mine, when all my life people have told me how they feel about me about this quality - and their opinion is the exact opposite of his!
I thought they would all be so mad at me then, if I was to believe that is the truth about me. He thinks that, and he is allowed to think and to feel that way around me, if he like, but all these others - they don't. They like that about me. So it's not true then? It can't be true then? True to him, yes, but not those others...should I really then buy his reality? If that is something good about me then why should I try to change it?
So I didn't. But I had at that time such a low self esteem that hadn't I had all those others that I remembered having said the exact opposite of me, I could very well have thought he is right. And taken the blame for that as well. I also remember I thought oh if that is how you see me, if that is what i am to you, then by all means, let me get out of your way then, as I know that is not how others view or feel about me. It was almost as if all the others made that decision for me. That was a blessing :)
I honest to God think the psychiatrist I met after having a panic attack while thinking I was out of the relationship but him trying to pull me back, and showing all these sick tactics of his, after before having humiliated me for a long time, that she was such a blessing. She was the only one in my surrounding to tell me first of all that he was a psychopath, that I was not insane. She even one time told me "You are strong...!", and I remember then feeling so weak. Then I thought she can't be a good psychiatrist if she thinks I'm strong, LOL.
He and the other people in our lives did not know I was seeing a psychiatrist, did not know of my secret helper. Had I not had her, at the time she came - God she was a Godsend really - I might have just lost the battle, as I would think there was something wrong with me, I mean - I was having panic attack for the first time in my life, that I would be the one unstable, I would be the one who "imagined" things. The psychiatrist saw the picture for what it was - my symptoms were from mental abuse that had been done by a psychopath. I came in there, that office, believing I was weak, I was this, I was that. That because I had done wrong he was treating me this way. She saved me, along side my family. You need someone really skilled to see what is truly going on. As it was for me, the psychiatrist knew what she was talking about too, not only in theory, but because she had lived through it herself.
I have seen that all family members in a narcissistic family and even people then not part of the first family but having gotten tied to it later in life (in-laws) they all get scared, they all get ruled like that. I think it is human nature to recognize if someone is unstable and that is what narcissists and psychopaths are and that you have to be careful when dealing with someone like that. At first and maybe even some years into dealing with such a family member (the narcissist) people may not know they are not dealing with just a mask, an image, and let themselves be played in all sorts of ways. But later on - people will notice as it is so difficult for the narcissist to keep wearing that mask for so long, and one is starting to see through the tactics it is using. I think those closest to a narcissist, who's been around for the longest time too, knows who this person really is. Then, if I should speak for myself, it is tiresome to see how one of it's images, one of it's masks - that new people buy into it.
For the narcissist in my life I feel sorry that this person had such a rough start at life, and I believe that is why it got to be a narcissist in the first place. But sorry or not, the mental abuse a narcissist do is evil and innocent people, nobody deserves that. Other people too struggles with life, other people too know pain - and do not treat other people like that. There is no excuse for it's behavior, but there is a reason, but even with that reason, a narcissist knows it is doing damage, and because of that I will not feel sorry for it as the adult it is now. For the small child it once was, absolutely, but not now.
I was young with the psychopath in a stage in my life where I could easily break out, I could move to a new city, I could study something, I could get a job somewhere - the world was my friend and I knew it, I knew how to go missing in the crowd. It was fortunate that I was the age I was in and that I had so many opportunities ,that I could so quickly rebuilt my life again.
I remember that I was very isolated too, during and after the break up, as he not only took naturally the social crowd he was moving with before we met, but as he was so manipulative, he also took big parts of mine (that had become ours during our relationship). He also had me not knowing who was sent by him or not, who was watching me. So I isolated myself for a while there, but then I thought I can't live like this, then I might as well be back with him. I forced myself out there.
It was tough to be as isolated as I was when I was coming out of the relationship, but I have to say because I had a history where I used to, while growing up, move quite a bit and had to get to know new people, even if I was shy, some people were drawn to me for some reason and I had learn some social skills. I had changed life before. I knew I could do it. Maybe that sounds a little cold but i knew all it would take was some time. So I knew by experience that yes, I can rebuilt my life, I can get new friends, even if I don't think I'm all that, for some reason - lots of people like me. They all did it, even a stranger just holding up a door for me, they all shielded me, this why I'm always kind to strangers, little things you can do for someone matters. I always - when I see someone with low self esteem - try to be very kind to them, try to restore their dignity, even in small ways, everything counts, and never kick on someone when they're down. Don't mirror or use that I should think I am better than someone who then have less of a self confidence in itself. But unfortunately I have seen some people try to do that, and that them stepping on someone else who is already hurting just so they themselves can feel good abotu themselves, it ain't right, it's pathetic. Lots of people were kind to me when they could have just kicked me. That too made the psychopath's cruel treatment of me stand out - as nobody else would treat me like that, but by him his way of treating me was normal, was something I deserved, and even at that I think he, by his means, thought he was being "kind" to me, that he could be even more cruel than he already was.
So after a while after the break up I did not isolate myself one bit by choice. As soon as I could - I got right out there. I got me some new friends, new jobs, new places to live, I figured the chance of me meeting another psychopath was down to or close to zero, LOL. He was not gonna stand in my way. I thought life was great again. In time I began to date again. He had sabotaged my past but I was not going to allow him to sabotage my present or future.
Lots of those who suffers from the isolation created by the narcissist, psychopaths too, they return too because that world is all they have, the abusers has cut everyone and everything else off and they are dependent on the abuser and their world. That and the pull, and having low self esteem, and maybe still loving or hoping or believing one of the masks is the true face, and being programmed to not go against the fear - is when there is a high risk the victims return to the abusers.
There is huge ignorance in our society, I feel, about the bigger picture in all this, and so often the victims get the blame, that they are "too weak", they "allow" this to happen. Lots of victims - when they do leave - they get killed, those in "romantic" relationships.
I wish for our society to learn more, and not judge, but instead try to understand what this is really about. I too know with my brush with a psychopath - I was lucky compared to how many victims out there in the world has it.
Other people judging those who are victims increase the feeling of isolation, and how I wish some people would just get that! They are attributing to the abuse already done, instead of helping that someone.
If one feels isolated with a narcissist or psychopath with or without other people around - you are isolated. I'm afraid it is a common thing they do as they only have people around them they feel they can control, that buys their image.
My advice is that you simply have to force yourself out there. You have to tell yourself that a narcissist is not common, not a huge % of the human population. And that if they happen to be lurking out that you will be able to tell that is a narcissist and not get involved with them then. All the other people can be a blessing in your life, will help you by them just being themselves, and help shield you in their own small ways without knowing they are.
After my experience with the narcissist I could at times be moved to tears and had to hide for a bit after I would see a stranger do something nice for someone else without even thinking about it. All those little things many of us do without a secret agenda. I saw all these people with warmth. I still do. I took all that for granted before, didn't even see it like that.
I think if you do continue to isolate yourself it will work as a protection yes, to not allow further damage, but I think you should believe more in yourself. You have the ability to see who is a narcissist or not, that some may not have not having had your experience. That will work for you.
I have had someone at a working place that was a narcissist and I would do my own small test on that person and when that person reacted exactly like the narcissist I knew, know, I then knew it's true color. One time it was exposed, the mask fell off, and people were shocked. From then on that person changed job. It was a bit lonesome to see who many people would buy the narcissist's image and think that person was great when I knew it was a narcissist in hiding, but I knew time was on my side and that I could only impact it so much in the meanwhile.
Your trust and your feeling of freedom will grow over time, once you have gotten over the first step, do not let fear rule you, other people will shield you too against the narcissist and make it feel less in control til it one day finally lets go. That and if possible to go always "no contact" will make it give up in time, and mentally let you go as you serve no purpose. It only wants people it can work on. If that door is 100% closed it can't get to you and it can't get to the people in your life.
If you are not in a position where you can close the door and stay 100% no contact my advice is that you recognize, and you will in time, those who are being manipulated by the narcissist, sent out on a mission. It can be what is called "flying monkeys", some of them are under the impression they are helping out, they don't understand they are being manipulated. My advice is to keep any "flying monkey" at an arm's distance, that's what I do. They might not like that, but that is the price they have to pay, as well as you while they're still like that. Instead surround yourself with people you know are no "flying monkeys".
In my luv's family there is a ruling narcissist and all this was normal to my luv. I've been bullied by the narcissist but has played it so well, so strategically that not everyone could see what was really going on. I felt it. I was the victim of it.
What I did was that I did not give up on my own social life to fit more, to spend more time with my luv's first family, as I noticed the narcissist always wanted to be part of it. It truly was as if we were not allowed to have our own relationships with anyone else in the family without it present or involved in some ways.
We broke that rule. These days I do spend more time or have communication with other members of the family. My luv would say to me before that his family or that he was hurt that he felt I did not want to have any type of relationship with them. I had shut everyone out too because I could tell they did not know they were dealing with a narcissist and so that made them too a threat to me.
These days so much time has passed, so many incidents has gone by that almost all of them know they are dealing with a narcissist. They do notice they can relax more and have a good relationship with other people, with me, not all (some are still a flying monkey) without the narcissist present, so we work around that.
I am pretty much left alone these days by the narcissist parent as finally my luv can see now for himself what that narcissist has been up to. I partly asked him for a split because I was partly so unhappy and felt so threaten mentally with all this long term games, bullying from the narcissist-parent, that I could not take it no more.
I also let my luv then know how I felt he had left my side, and allowed me to be treated this way and that that ain't how no man should allow his partner to be treated. That he had a responsibility to stand up for me, and because he had chosen to be passive it had hurt me tremendously and made me think I was not worth more in his eyes. My love for him was bleeding throughout. I felt very much alone with him. I felt alone in trying to protect the children too from allowing the narcissist's claws to get into any child and have a negative effect.
I would also let my luv know that I would speak freely (always if I could I would write as it make it more official and nobody can then change anything afterwards through manipulation and poor memory), I would speak to a school nurse or a teacher about what was going on or even write to a principle. Perhaps most people would not. They would not want other to have a look, but as I know it is not healthy, I will invite them in. The narcissist then knows it can't mess too much, there are other people that are already invited in, that have to view things through their official eyes on the matter and will, if needed, react to the benefit of the child's well being. Way before that I was connected to the people involved in a child's every day at school, so they knew me before. I will continue to use normal people if I have to, I will not isolate myself, will not isolate my child's voice, so only the narcissist or anyone who is with the narcissist, knowing or unknowing, will get stronger, will be the only eyes.
I am a mom and I want any child that I am responsible for to develop into a normal, strong individual. I have done a poor job in the past standing up for myself, instead I have sacrifised my own dignity just to try to spare my luv from pain of me and one of his parents being at each other. Too the way the narcissist parent would play this is that it would say things to me when no one else heard, bad things, naturally, and then act as if it hadn't said any of it at all. Had it been today that happened I would have spoken up about it right away and then looked at my luv and let him decide who he was going to believe. If he was going to believe the narcissist - then we were done. But I had been played with for so long, and it had made me insecure, and I thought the narcissist only wants more drama, more pain, and I am not going to give it. So I thought I was doing a good thing by just ignoring what the narcsissit parent had said to me in private, but it was truthfully eating away at me, and everything else was just so fake. My luv could tell I was tense around the narcissist and any family member, and said he was hurt by it because he felt I was distancing myself, and that I really did not want to be around his family.
THere has been lots of times when the narcissistic grandparent has tried to discipline my child when I have voiced my opinion, like a lion (LOL). When it comes to any child - then I get strong, then nothing shuts me up. It was when I saw, heard how the narcissistic parent tried to shove down it's own reality and totally neglect that the child has a right to it's own perspective, its own truth as it too has been part of something. That's when I just said that the child has a right to it's own experience of the truth, from it's own perspective, and you need to respect that as well.
It might have been the first time the narcissist had heard that a child too deserves respect.
My luv has lived, compared to me, an isolated family style. I simply invited him too over to my world and he really likes the people I have as friends. Some of my friends a child thought was relatives to me, so that was kind of funny, but it too shows the consistency of the friendship, that also a child knows it has that support system too. Other people that are not within the reach of the narcissist's claws will work as your strength, as your shield, and keep you having a set of normal eyes, instead of making the narcissist's sick eyes your normal too.
So that is my advice - do not isolate yourself, you pick your own people apart from the narcissist's claws and you keep those who are "flying monkeys" within an arm distance. Do not isolate yourself no matter what, it only makes the narcissist's power stronger and it's behavior seen as more normal when it is not. Keep if you can the other people in your life away from the narcissist. You do not have to talk about the narcissist with those people, unless you like (I do not) as I want a free zone, and fill my life with other things and other people, besides the poison from the narcissist. So I keep that door closed.
My luv had to do therapy, and just when I thought it was doing some good and I returned to him, he then again showed me he had not changed, and so there was yet another break up, and he again went back to therapy. The narcissist really had its claws on him, they use to fight the same way, same tactics, he too had a need for control but I always knew my luv was not a narcissist. We're back now. So far he has showed me he is not the same little boy he used to be around the narcissist (he does not like me using the term "little boy", LOL, but that's the truth), and so I am hoping we can turn this thing around and save our relationship and the family we created and stand up for the principles we live by, and that we want any child to think is normal. Needless to say we keep the narcissist at an arm's distance and we have today tactics on how to respond if needed. I understand that my luv loves it's parent, I always have, and I have never said you need to cut off all contact or you will not get back to me. I want my luv, the father, to be as strong as he can and be in as in harmony, in balance as he can. Not just for his sake, but because I believe then too he will be the best father (have more energy) that any child can have.
Last edited by asearcher : 17-01-2022 at 05:53 AM.
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