I'm giving up this war

[~Lioness~]

.I'm so tired and let down by eVERYONE IN MY LIFE they all make me feel like I'm ready to give up and be the one that loses the war they waged

I'm so tired of not being enough for anyone.. I'm going to go into monk mode and disappear from answering texts. Calls. Messages, emails, for 2 weeks. In honor of this shht show. /s

I'm disgusted and tired of the way real people treat other humans. Everything I see around. The hatred. The fear. The war. The pandemic. I hate this world. I don't care if I go Home or not, because being dead and gone forever would be so much better than dealing with this negative world.

I'm so tired.
I'm so tired.
I really don't know what to do.

[Izz]

The pandemic can be difficult to adapt to

PM me if you want, hugs

[~Lioness~]

This pandemic has been so hard
I've lost a lot
And gained very little

I'm not in a good place, mentally. I've shut off my emotions to protect myself and protect my heart from feeling those emotions , I have , but don't have.

I miss the days i had a best friend. She is my first love. My first love, and ofc I thought she is the one.

Boy. Was I wrong. She wants me to let her go. I want to only to make her happy finally. I love her ofc I want the best for her. I have a hard time letting go of her tbh and I understand I could seek counseling, I have. I'm so closed off from expressing what I'm going through with the people I know that even if I git a therapist it never works. First sessions we go over all the past. Second session they just expect me to talk!tali!. I don't understand that. Can't they lead the therapy?

I didn't know what to say, so I just babbled on about **** from the past, how she was my first love and she "broke my heart" , how I was abused when I was younger, and she barely said a word.

So I didn't go back, but now I desperately want to give it a second chance. I really need help. I'm not going to get that help from anyone around as friends and family.

I'm tired of a lot of life lately...the way I get stepped on and over like a door mat.

The way women play games and can't accept a simple platonic friendship. I don't want anyone right now.

I just want some peace. Damm

[~Lioness~]

Originally Posted by Izz

The pandemic can be difficult to adapt to

PM me if you want, hugs

Hey. I pm'd you

Hi Orion Lion, sorry for your pain. Yes I think you should go back to therapy, if you feel a trust and the chemistry is right.

I regret today that I quit counseling I guess too soon after a relationship where there had been abuse.

I made the mistake of thinking just because I was over him, did not go back to him (He had been the one who had tossed me out to then ask to have me back, I wasn't coming back) I thought I was over the mental abuse that had been going on both while during the relationship and during the break up. I hadn't. I thought I would be fine in time and in many ways I have been, only it has been triggered in certain situations such as thinking of going out and have a Facebook account (he used to stalk me so map out my life and the people in it), anyone looking like him would cause strong physical reaction in me such as fear and hate, my hands would start to tremble.

I think this relationship could have left a mark on my aura, as a past trauma not dealt with the right way, and so that and me finally wanting to deal with a phobia, my fear, made me finally wanting to deal with it. However my brain had protected me so well that I hardly had any memories so then I did not know what on earth I would be talking about.

So yes if you do have an opportunity, then please do for your own sake continue with the counseling.

I interrupted mine when the counselor was getting closer to what hurt, what I was afraid to talk about, that it went too fast for me to even talk about, and it was the intimate part of the relationship, and I dugde the bullets of that one and then I got so nervous to go back there as I thought she is going to bring this up again (as she of course knew she was on to something) and at the time I could not bring myself to talk about it. What he did to me I wrong to me at the time I tried to quilt blame myself for, thinking he was by now desperate to make me pregnant, and so that was why he did it. We can tell ourselves many things. When the truth hurts oneself too much. And the fear tells you to not do anything about it. Or that you can't do anything about it.

So please for your own sake, for your own future I would say - fulfill the program. If you are not ready to talk about something then tell your counselor that, and if you can not find the words (I had huge difficulty finding the words, not like today when I just write and write, LOL) it's OK. I could just feel the feeling, but had difficulty expressing it into words. I sort of got the same way when I was going to talk about it again, it is almost like or is a stress reaction.

Please do not give up on yourself. If you go for it now, your future you will benefit for it, and also when you fall in love again and will get into the next romantic relationship you will be better equipped then to deal with what ever comes along. We often drag our unfinished business from past failed love affairs into our new ones without thinking we do.

It's perfectly normal and fine to feel you do not want nobody right now, that you're taking a break from all this and may not be sure you ever want a new love. After my first relationship (not with the psychopath) broke down I was single for a couple of years, not because guys did not want to date me, they did, but simply because I did not fancy anyone that way and besides I liked being single, and figured when the right times comes and I feel like it there will be a change, I wasn't rushing it. I see that time as "my-time", LOL. I think every life style, single or not single, has it's pro's and con's and when I would say that I liked being single they looked at me as if I came from Mars. I still think that every life style is to cherish, such as to having children or not, society judge often those who chose not to, and I think that is wrong. Again, each life style pro and con. :)

All emotions are normal and it is a process you are going through. It's all good even if it doesn't feel like it.

[~Lioness~]

for some Reason everything you said you said resonated with my experience. Over my pain and what I went through with the counselor the counselor how I felt that she was getting too close to the hurt and I got scared and I left Did not. made a new appointment. I've been going through a lot letting go of my TF In every paragraph that you said made me just cry so hard. I'm so tired of waiting for her, my TF For her to just say anything.

Anyway I Thank you Very much, That really helped and I feel less alone now. Have a good 2s day

Orion Light, my heart goes out to you. I'm glad my words could help. Wishing you the best with your healing.

You too have a good 2s day! :)