An issue with relationships and friendships

[CosmicWonder]

Hii asearcher,

I’m a bit speechless. I recognze the feeling of rejection.

This girl was a girl that really felt special to me for very long. I think I spend several years trying to get her attention. And sometimes she gave it, but would always suddenly stop and turn away and it would always feel like rejection. Never would I mention it. Until, one day, I was done. If was enough. I knew she was my type, that she might very well like me and that it might work. But at that point she hadn’t opened her eyes yet. Then, at that point, I got mad and then after some stating the situation to her openly and bluntly, I moved on as I had gotten the courage to leave her alone. After a month or two, she messaged me saying she was sorry and that she would like literally never let me down again. We became best friends, but never was she special again. We met one time, and she kinda wanted to hug but wanted to see it in the moment. We didn’t hug but we did have dinner together and it was fun (for me it was exhausting as well because well I was quickly tired at that moment. I gave her my all by being so present).

Ae tried to meet up some times more, didn’t happen because of circumstances. I got a girl that wanted my attention and did want physical intimacy and I went with that and it was a lot of fun. That broke, because of a silly fight. So I went back to this girl before that I still had contact with (and that went pretty well, but only she would vaguely hint she wanted more. Never giving her efforts to it really,
even when I was all hers in theory). Now before new year she came over.
And she initiated the more I wanted before that time I got mad. It was special,
It was healing, we both enjoyed it. But when she was gone, we both got rather emotional. She turned away again, I felt it! And it felt thereby it was only one time. Why is a rather unknown to me. Because she wants it. She just seems to rather be with guys that make her feel bad at the moment or something.

Anyway, that is only a small piece of the story. It’s rather complex and difficult to explain. But I felt the freedom to write it down on this forum, while I’m usually warned by my own feels to share.

It does feel unrepairable. I hope I can find a way to make something work, if not with her. Strange enough I was always the guy to show a particular girl my efforts (of course without overdoing). But now I just am searching for potential elsewhere. It feels so unfair.

Much kindness,

CW

Hi CosmicWonder,

I think I feel your pain. So you were in love with her for several years, she didn't respond, you then finally had enough and got mad. I think is a survival mechanism in us, to get us from being punched down over and over. When I get mad it is as if I get myself out of that pit hole, that determination, when I finally stand up for myself, but it takes me way longer before lots of others do, it is as if I am more "generous" in self sacrificing and to be more understanding of the other before I can even feel what it is I am suppose to feel - and then I react. What you could have done all that time waiting for her is that you could have exhausted yourself. I've done that too
You could have felt so much that it made you numb, taking that much energy from you when you were dining with her, you've already before given so much of yourself.

You know, maybe I am taking this too far - I'm no psychiatrist - but could she have a "daddy-issue"? On what you wrote I get the image she does that you think she seek that out, the "bad boys".

If she has had a "bad boy" for a dad, or someone who split - this is my very own theory by the way, just speaking from my small world of experiences, - than she could be subconsciously drawn to thinking she does not deserve more and so if a guy treats her too well (I know, this is so sick, just writing about this is weird) it is not familiar with her, as she is used to the opposite, somewhere in her childhood. She may not at all be aware of this herself. It is so dumb that what we are familiar with is what draws us that direction, instead of what could be healing and good for us. It's "home".

I've had and still have friends who I myself would say have daddy issues - they all (not all my friends) had that in common, their dad either died young (and was some bad... for a figure, unreliable and so on or just wasn't there. These were all intelligent, still are, attractive women who, and I've seen this, rather then go for someone who I know - I know before hand - they will give as little as possible, they will play with them, some of those text messages - I swear had a guy wrote me that I would never respond, but they do. They accept so little, they even light up. And I'm like "What the hell is that ****? Please!", and then if someone else (that I have tried to steer them towards who is of quality, who will not play games, who is sincere - I can go on but I won't - they won't go for that guy. And I'm like but please, give him a chance! And he would never ever write something so tacky as what those others do...sigh).

I've come up with this theory that if a girl has a good dad who is allowed,and who is there for her she will chose a good guy later in life. Because that will be her familiar, her home.

Sadly, again just my small experiences, my own theory, is that unless the woman finally start to wake up and understand this out on her own, she will continue to reject the good guys, she won't see them as "exciting", once she knows - she will have found out the secret substance in these so called bad guys (even bad guys can be dressed have the image of a good guy, I know this from experience) and she will be bored out of her mind, and she will have outgrown them, she will see right through them, their tactics. Til then she will just go around in circles and repeat.

Somehow I am always better, sure about "the problems" my girlfriends has, than to see my own issues, LOL. I've had a classic daddy-issue myself, childhood trauma really, if he had died - they would have taken some consideration to my situation - but as it was "Just a divorce", there was none of that, I think. Then it was much more about bitterness and revenge and that she is so young, she will forget, there are other male figures, new stepdads. Yeah, but you know your dad, no one can replace him. He was like this mystery I needed to solve. I remembered mine but my mom thought I would forget him. I've learned one shouldn't always only listen to what children does say, one should pay attention to what they don't. It was too hurtful for me to say that I thought something was wrong with me because my dad was alive and still he would not see me.

I think some wounds too can be from a previous romantic relationship. I was more sure of myself and I would say for years I lived in a rock steady relationship with what people thought, judged was a bad boy, but he was a good boy, or most of him was a good boy, and we were close and he was never abusive to me, not in words, not in actions. He knew I was shy and he would encourage me to believe more in myself. Had it not been for him I'm not so sure at all I would take the big step to work with what I work with today, for instance. He was like my male cheerleader, LOL. But he was always good at pointing out people's good side, he would just tell them, and he saw mine, and would go this is what you're good at, this is what you should do! But I lost the battle with his drinking and I lost him, and I think that got to me in a way I couldn't explain, which then led me to have this vulnerability in me, I guess, when I so called met a "good guy", who's image was good, but his energy was not, and it was as if I was the only one that could feel that, but because I lacked self esteem in trusting how I could read people and read energy, and because he had by then changed his image to fit mine, (one of his 50 or so masks...) what he thought I would be into, I thought maybe I had made a mistake and judged him too hard...big mistake on my part.

I think unless we deal with what has happened in the past, even past romantic relationships, we end up making the same or similar mistakes as we have a vulnerability of some kind. We have to turn around and face it. I have never been good at that, I was so scared to crash and burn, I rather not feel too much, keep myself busy and move on. I really thought I had done it right.

I understand you must feel lost with all this what has happened with that woman, so much energy you put in it - and I know once one feel that way one can not stop oneself either, it has to run its course.

I think an ideal love affair is when two people are equal in their love for each other. That is when it is what it is suppose to be. But I have too learned along the way that sometimes someone gives and fights for the relationship like 80% and the other one just 20% and is blind to what is going on. There was someone who had a very long lasting marriage and when asked how come it was so long lasting - and presumably happy she said that they took turns fighting to keep it, that they were never at a place where both wanted to leave, and she thought that was the key, and then other times they were equal, in balance.

I can't help but think maybe the woman you fell for - that when she did not have you - she wanted you - and when she had you - she didn't want you, and I can't help but wonder if it is bad boys she is familiar with, and just needs to realize that to make a better choice. Sadly nothing you can do about it. Unless you start to act like a bad boy yourself, which then isn't you, so then that would be a fake you and then that wouldn't be good either...

I very much hope it all works out for you, with who ever it may be with. I understand you must feel a bit lost right now with it all but you will get to the next step and I hope you can heal from all this. To me it does not sound as if you have done anything wrong at all, the opposite and I feel you know that, so that's good, so you don't put yourself down.

Sorry I am writing so much about myself, I guess I do it to try to see it from my perspective, how I can resonate with you in yours, where I get the ideas from, but I guess it make me look really selfish, which is not my intent.

Much kindness

Hi, me again. Trying to think of this from another perspective. I was once in a romantic relationship (several years of it, serious), it ended. Later we became friends, was a slow processe. Not friends as in active friends. I suggested it at the time as he was so riled up (even if he had caused our break up) and I did not want him to think I would spread any bad words about him. I told him too I did not want fighting between us. So we even shook hands on being friends. I thought automatically as his life would take him in one direction mine would another, that this friendship would end. Besides from us breaking up I still thought he was a good person. We knew few of the same people so it was easier that way too, at the time it worked for everyone. Also I did not think we would all be living in the same area forever, we were young and lots of things were happening.

Some years after our break up we met again. I was then coming out or was actually out (it was just difficult to get the last practical matter out of the way, nothing romantically still going on, I wanted to hurry up and get it over with, and that guy tried to then still show off his "power" til the bitter end) of another relationship. There had been mostly mental abuse in the relationship. I was not doing well as I got out of it but first thought it was just stress and that I would be fine, in time. But it was as if I was in this bad cycle and I simply could not sleep. Around this period I kissed my then first break up-guy. We began seeing each other again. As I was a mess, and I was, no question about that, I was then not built to be in any romantic relationship really. I had trouble seeing the one I was seeing again as he had been to me before when we had been a couple those years ago (was about 4-5 years before we had broken up). To me it was as if that guy had died (some time after our break up I had processed my heartbreak over him and then over time learned to view him as only a friend or brother, it did not happen over night).

Something bad had happened to me during the mentally abusive relationship that I did not feel I could talk about. And I def did not think I could talk about it to the guy I was now seeing.

What do I want to say with all this? I guess it is that for me to mix friendship with intimacy did not work, I need a clear intent - he was ready to give me that, but at the time I was afraid, I was scared from my previous relationship. Maybe I did not dare to feel. Maybe I couldn't. I was a mess, I blame myself 100% for this, the guy I was seeing again - he was in a stable cycle in his life, he was loving and feeling good and he was a giving nature. He absolutely did not do anything wrong, in fact him being so wonderful to me made me feel even worse, ungrateful, as if I was only using him. I knew I was in a situation within myself where I had only very little to give, the rest I had to have to try to stabilize myself.

Maybe the one you have lost your heart to - she has gone through something that make her afraid of intimacy? Something she does not dare to tell you?

Mine was not sorted out til I met my current luv who one time asked me, the most gentle way he could if something had happened to me, where as I replied angry was what he was saying was it that I wasn't good in bed? and had something happened to him maybe?!!! . He took it the right way, he could tell it was sensitive. (he can have a temper but he did not have it then). I didn't need to be worried at all though, a normal guy who's not a sadist or psychopath or what ever knows how to make love and read signals and be attentive, no words needed. I was to understand that what had happened to me before was never to happen to me again. That I was safe. We kept this to ourselves.

I guess my thoughts is that you being a friend one minute and the next it is intimacy, that it must be confusing and confusing to you as well, as well as the one you have feelings for. Then again I understand it must be confusing as maybe you are not sure yet, and that person not either. To me it is more simple (in my head that is) to just go into it with a clear intent: We date. We are romantic. We're no friends. (not that we are enemies, you know what I mean). People often wants to know where they are going, they try too to step on the brakes but I do think in our nature, when everything is new, something new happens, we want to know intent, where we going. Sometimes we can't answer that but we can answer that we have good intention and this is the goal, the vision I have for us (or something like it how now one wants to express one self). Also it can be so easily wrong in the beginning of things, we have different pace, and before we sort of come together, being comfy with the pace that is, for both parties. Just some thoughts. Hope you don't mind?

[CosmicWonder]

Hii asearcher,

I don’t think setting expectations will help much. It might even block things more. If I say for example I only want a romantic relationship with you and no friendship, she might very well be torn because she can’t handle that.

But also, you’re right about the abuse. In fact, since yesterday she is back at an ex I just rather dislike (and not because they are “romantic”, I’m not the type to get jealous. Have even had a girl which had sex with other guys and I didn’t mind at all. As long as it’s in agreement). This ex of hers isn’t the one that abused her, but he is very much lost and manipulative.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Much kindness,

CW

Oh I'm sorry, CosmicWonder. What a mess, so she's back with the ex now. I have to say I still kinda admire you to be able to have a friendship with someone and yet have romantic feelings for them and sometimes intimacy, for me it would be too much to handle, then again who am I to talk, haven't exactly had a smooth sail myself. A part of me wish to say that if you did show her how much you love her, care for her in a romantic way that she might then start to look at you differently. But I understand you might think it might scare her off and maybe you are afraid? to then loose her completely? (you don't have to answer that of course, just me speculating). I had a friend who's husband knew from the start she was the one but she did not see him like that at first but because he "stated his case" she began to see him in such "colors" and well now they are married and I can honestly say I've been happy for them, it is a really good relationship. Then again I know how I work by now - if I have been rejected then my feelings, my image of the guy doing that gets me turned off and then I think he's not for me no more even if he later wants me back, I've then moved on, it's like I see them then in a different light - and not the good kind. Games turns me off too.
It is so hard to give advice on romance.

Wishing you can heal from all this and hoping for a better tomorrow for you no matter how it all turns out.

Much kindness

[CosmicWonder]

Thank you asearcher!

It was a good talk. Very insightful. I am glad I had it.

Much kindness

You're welcome! Me too. Hope everything works out.

Much kindness