Hi Sweetie!

[FallingLeaves]

after a week
he says

well he forgot
cold
just feels good

much better than hot

scary though
-----------------------------------------
they were right
too
energy fields
aren't as muddy
when you are cold

this has been good for a him

lol
------------------------------------------
well they told him
all the things
he must do
to be accepted

and he must say

it is a mess

if he follows one
he voids out another
and on and on

so he guess he'll never
be able to accept
that he could be accepted
--------------------------------------------------
he never could
play with the other children
in any meaningful way

sigh

[FallingLeaves]

misery
bliss
fun games to play
he guesses...

but when you are caught
in the places people won't go
it is remarkable
the beauty that is abounding
if only
one
can bear the loneliness
-------------------------------------------------
as far as
helping others
that was
and always is
his task

it is just that
he somehow got convinced
that the best way to help others
is to look toward himself

in many ways
the best thing
is just to unlearn
as many of the bad habits
that bind us to slavery
as he possibly can
--------------------------------------
maybe he is wrong about that
and maybe he is not
--------------------------------------
but he doesn't intend
to try to be lonely
just
frustrated he is
because there is nothing he can do
to relate reasonably
without
devolving
back into meaninglessness...

he's too far
into the land
where noone wants to go
----------------------------------------------
and besides
he's still being punished
sigh

[Nowayout]

Hey brother, take a walk on the wild side...

https://www.netflix.com/watch/811645...ckId=253448517

[Nowayout]

Or this?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=32MiAPR2S4g

[FallingLeaves]

so it seems like
blithely
assuming
one will go on and on

is as silly
as
assuming
one is good
or pure
or beyond reproach

so of course he knew the trick
about
thinking of one's
own mortality
as a serious subject

as well as he knew the trick
about
thinking oneself
somewhat the rascal

as far as
psychadelics
well
he has enough
of that
just with
his insane
crazy
meditations

and doesn't much need
physical help
to be a bit off the wall
lol
-----------------------------------------
the new girl
told him
she pitied him

and he was like
oh that is nice
I guess
par for the course
but
I suppose that means
you aren't the one
either
sigh..

but he guesses
he'll never really
be serious
about females
anyway

so it doesn't much matter.

[FallingLeaves]

well
he just wishes
he had dared
to try the cold
sooner

it is really kinda nice
-------------------------------------
as far as the new girl
well
he's not avoiding her
but
recognizes
she just doesn't like him

how weird is that?

sigh

[FallingLeaves]

well
the new girl doesn't hate him
but
it isn't going to work
with her

or with anyone really

kinda sad
but also kind of a relief he guesses
at least this way
he doesn't have to keep pretending
he is something
he is not

and he was going to be alone
either way...
so he might as well
just accept it

noone else much to talk to
either
he's either blown them off,
or they've blown him off

again kinda sad
but he'd rather just live with that
than fight with them some more...

[FallingLeaves]

hi sweetie

hadn't said 'hi' in a while

hi

[FallingLeaves]

well
she is gonna
deny his sensibilities
no matter what he does
-opposite world sucks-
so
he is wondering
if
maybe
he shouldn't be so severe
about trying to avoid the pain.

instead of trying to avoid whatever
painful thing
he thinks
she is going to do next
maybe
for once
just do whatever comes easiest
and forget about the consequences?
----------------------------------------------------

he was ruminating
today
that there are an awful lot of people
insisting
that others
do and be
whatever it is
those people want them
to do and be

but it didn't start out that way

at some point
before
they became insistent
that their own way is best
and others must therefore comply with it

they were like everyone else
children
sopping up
the things happening around them
in play
rather than
to force their favorite issues
on others
as if
it were from the mouth of god.

he'd never
really
considered that
before
---------------------------------------
as he wandered around
in the blue girl's
territory
again
some more

he really wasn't
too keen
on the whole thing.

Not because he dislikes
the blue girl
by the way

they had some fun times together

but he guesses,
he is just tired
of getting all worked up
with every schizophrenic sign
that comes along
'as if it means he will somehow get something'.

And tired
of trying to dream
the impossible dream
or believe in
unbelievable things
as if they could really happen.

he is really tired
that no matter what he wants
it is jsut called 'wishful thinking'
by everyone around him
anyway

and so
he thinks
if he isn't going
to be able to have stuff
anyway
he now thinks
it is stupid to pretend
that he can.

so he just kinda
blew the whole thing off
yeah signs like crazy

and he couldn't even tell
if they were for him,
or just artifacts
of things presented to her
over the years...

but really
he just wants to cry
anyway
now
because
no matter what he does
their response
to it
just reminds him
of how unloved
he really is.

[FallingLeaves]

he was thinking
what with
all our
telling each other
who to be
and how
and when
and where
and why

none of us
ever stops to think
god isn't doing any of that

he just lets us go on
doing what we are doing
without
endless ongoing complaints
that we aren't doing it right

he said his peace
at the outset
then seemingly
just left us to our own devices?????

I gotta wonder
what does he know
that we don't
that makes him
just let us be
---------------------------------------------
he decided
to outright avoid
the new girl

she just reminds him
of his twin

and after everything that has happened
all he can think of
is that his twin doesn't really want him

she's sometimes even said as much

and if he isn't wanted
there is no reason
to keep up
with all the irrational
wishful thinking

that makes him
want to believe
he is wanted
when he isn't

so he is just going to not do things
that remind him
of chasing around
after twins
and their namesake

well they don't want him
anyway
so it isn't like
he is trying to be obstinate...