Help with Unrequited Love

[kundalinikid]

Hi there. I'm writing this for some practical advice.

There was a girl I met quite some time ago (20 years) I presumed to be my soulmate. For some reason, I thought it went really well on that chance meeting, but it couldn't be further from the truth. Now for the third time, I've received a call from the police asking me to leave her alone. I know it's majorly creepy. I realize others may find what I've done completely detestable. If I ever contact her again I will potentially be charged with harassment and stalking. I know that I was very very wrong.

However, I don't know how I've continually let my mind trick me into believing there is a chance still after everything that has happened. I do believe I have the self-control to obey law enforcement this time. I've tried to move on so long, but I keep getting sucked back into it. Am I cursed? I am getting treated for very bad damp heat in acupuncture right now. I wonder if that has caused the continual problem.

I guess most of all. I wish that some kind souls could look overlook what a jerk I am scaring someone to this extent. But how do I move on really? Everything my mind tells me about the situation is a lie. I'm completely broken. I don't know how to just tell my mind to shut up this isn't real. Is this my ego trying to grasp onto something that isn't real and hold onto it? Is it too damaging to my person/ego to accept the grim reality? Is there any practical advice anyone can give me with regard to techniques I can employ to help myself? I don't want to ruin my life over this. I've dug myself out of an immense dark hole, and I don't want to fall back into it over this. I was just starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel with regard to my overall health returning. I'm concerned I could completely ruin my life over this. I need this job so badly and if anything were to interfere I don't know if I'd ever get professional work again.

I don't consider myself malicious or a person with ill intent for others. I've never been in a physical fight. I love animals and have taken good care of them. My dog died 3-4 years back. I have a good relationship with my immediate family. I don't have many close friends outside of that. I thought a pet might help me to keep myself occupied potentially. I also thought playing binaural beats targeted toward limerance any chance I could help as well. I have even gone as far as to consider an exorcist to try to expel this from me because it seems like a curse. I am at my wits end. Any other suggestions from someone out there that has dealt with something similar?

[Miss Hepburn]

So to sum up what I got from this - you have heartbreak, loss, sadness, disappointment and obsession.
You don't understand boundaries - but the police helped you with that one.
Have you seen a therapist that can put all this together for you?
I'm hoping someone here can give you some pointers.
I know what I would do...but, it's too woo-woo for most people.

[kundalinikid]

Originally Posted by Miss Hepburn

So to sum up what I got from this - you have heartbreak, loss, sadness, disappointment and obsession.
You don't understand boundaries - but the police helped you with that one.
Have you seen a therapist that can put all this together for you?
I'm hoping someone here can give you some pointers.
I know what I would do...but, it's too woo-woo for most people.

Yes, that more or less sums it up.

Yes, I have tried twice, but I gave up because I didn't feel I was making progress as far as moving on with things. Perhaps I should try again and make it explicitly clear the seriousness of the issue, and that the behavior needs to end.

Thanks for the reply.

[lamb1]

I read it. Will think about it and try to understand it better and maybe I will be able to share some thoughts.

[kundalinikid]

Originally Posted by lamb1

I read it. Will think about it and try to understand it better and maybe I will be able to share some thoughts.

Ok cool.

I was reading about Limerence and happened upon trauma bonding, Stockholm syndrome, and also it’s relation to ptsd.

I found it very interesting. Before I met this person a roommate and close friend died in a sudden accident. This was about 6 months prior to meeting them.

I started towork past it and move on at times after that over the next 6-7 years.

I still thought of it often but had friendships and some semblance of a life. I came home one night and I see these flashing lights in my bedroom that grew and dimmed in intensity with my breathing. I went on to have this other worldly orgasm from interacting with the lights and using my breath. The next morning I freaked out after the experience. I had a suicide attempt that morning. This was my first and only. I awoke about 3 days later from a medically induced coma in the hospital. I was completely psychotic when I woke up. And it was way beyond lights. I have done some psychedelics growing up, but this level of hallucination at every sensory level was about 100 times stronger than anything I previously experienced. It was at times the most beautiful and incredible experience ever and other times absolutely terrifying. I still have trouble to this day putting pen to paper to describe what I felt here. The intense psychosis lasted for about 3-4 days and then I stabilized.

I wanted to get out of that hospital so badly to contact her, but I had to stay there for 40+ days. When I got out she blocked me on Facebook. I somehow was able to psychically know her email. I used no background check info, I just knew it. This wasn’t the only time I did that. I also did the same thing with her phone number. I proceeded to write her for a few months. She finally got fed up with it and called the police. This was after I had done similar about a year after we first met. I so wanted to connect that orgasmic experience to her, but it wasn’t apparently. I was devastated. Interestingly, I look back at the night when I saw the lights, and I remember every thought I had. Things that I thought I was discussing internally with regard to how are futures would be have come to pass. I'm astounded, but I am so confused at her response at the same time.

So to make a long story shorter. I was wondering if the Limerence was related to the trauma I experienced. I plan to read about that in more detail. The first thing the acupuncturist said to me after taking my pulse reading and looking at my tongue was: have you suffered some form of extreme trauma? I thought that was pretty great because I certainly did not mention any of the trauma to her. That also makes me feel like I’m on the right track.

[txsha]

Hi kundalini kid, I'm sorry to hear about the relationship disappointment and heartbreak. Love is hard.

I feel if it is getting to the point of authorities, it is best to work with a therapist. I am not one, but it sounds to me like you are an anxious attachment style.

Often those with this style had experiences in early childhood where they were neglected. Sometimes this neglect was on purpose. Sometimes it is because you were one of many children in the household. Sometimes it is because of a single parent so they just did not have the time and energy to to around. So you don't have to necessarily come from a terrible childhood.

Regardless of the reason, in general the idea is that if you cried enough or long enough, you got the attention you needed.

As an adult, this can translate into an anxious person coming off as aggressive or verbally abusive in relationships when triggered. Because instead of crying, as an adult, if you yell enough or manipulate enough, you'll get the response you want, which is really just to be loved and have connection.

Note, this would not occur in all relationships, usually only in romantic relationships and when you are triggered in some way to fear of abandonment or unworthiness. Our romantic relationships play out our parent relationships.

It can also translate into fantasizing about relationships, being more in your head about them than in the present.

So in your case, it may translate into thinking there is more there than actually is. And wanting to keep reaching out despite boundaries being set - because if you chase enough and "yell" enough, you will eventually get the response you want.

Those are just some thoughts. I would recommend working with a therapist who specializes in attachment therapy (I forget what it is called E?T). And I would stick it out for 6 months or so. It may not feel like it is working, but it is working on deeper levels. Calming your central nervous system down so that you are aware of your triggers and patterns, and can find ways to self-soothe.

[kundalinikid]

Irisa,
Thank you so much for sharing. That took a lot of courage. At first some of the stuff I disclosed I felt awful for letting the whole forum know what a real life stalker I am, but I feel a sense of relief now having shared. It’s like I put it out in the universe instead of holding it in and there were people that were generally helpful and kind in return.

I loved what you shared about the twin flame being a catalyst. That is exactly what it was for me. When I met her I was an agnostic without a ton of interest in spiritual things. When I saw she was interested in the Bible, I was like let me read this stupid thing, I never really felt a draw to it from going to church in my youth. When I read and studied on my own in solitude I became absolutely hooked. I lived and breathed it. I started studying non canonical text as well. Prior to that I saw she was interested in analytical psychology, I joined a forum related to it. It helped be gain a deeper perspective of myself and led me to another big change. This is where I became privy to the men behind the curtain in this world so to speak. I came to understand the Bible verse: “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.“ So, in order it was analytical psychology, rulers, Bible hooked.

Those were the three areas that led to the event that changed me so much with the lights. But leading up to the event (same day but in the morning) I was getting messages from what seemed like angelic guides. At this point I was still semi normal. I would click on a random link to open my inbox in email for instance and a pop came up telling me I would need non traditional medicine like acupuncture and chiropractic work to overcome. It was so real to me I made appointments that day for each even though I had never tried either. There was a another pop up that was called the book of life, and all I had to do was sign my name. I did. When I was in the hospital and psychotic, I demanded an acupuncturist see me immediately which never happened. Unfortunately, the hospital, the ptsd, her reaction to me when I got out was too much. It took me like over 10 years to follow up on either acupuncture or chiropractic work. Either way I’m so glad I did.

I guess what I liked most about your explanation was the positive spin about awakening. I think we could both agree I am at the point of no return with her. But I think now more than ever the experience emphasizes how absolutely necessary it is to continue on with the awakening.

I too would like to move on and date again and find a companion. Right now though, I just don’t feel it’s a good time. For instance, the awakening has transformed me so much. I feel the spirit so deeply that it is difficult for me to jump into a fleshly relationship potentially or even try to explain that to someone. The stalking experience has made me feel so low. I can’t help but feel completely unlovable and like a complete creeper after all of it. Finally, I’d like to get to a point when I am at peace with this whole ordeal. I feel it’s selfish of me to be hung up on someone else and use a new person to distract myself. I don’t feel ready if that makes sense but am going to work my hardest to be ready.

I think of ego as like our protective wrapper. I have believed for a while that we store our ego fears in our chakra system. For instance, if you were going to touch a hot stove or run out into traffic the ego would create that fear response to protect you. It’s like it is designed to protect the body which is the vehicle of the soul. However, it can get pathological. It overreacts and tries to protect us from too much. Eventually you are like me who is filled with neurotic anxieties from years of little self-confidence, self-loathing, and irrational fears about relationships that aren’t absolute. That’s the thing. You run out into traffic; you will get hurt. But it’s these irrational fears we store that are not absolute that we’ve picked up along the way. I believe that’s what I need to distinguish now. I need to work out what fears are real and what are not absolute and therefore junk. Like sure there are jerks in this world, but it is not always true. And if you give into that then you bury the beautiful nature of the soul which only tends to love. I do feel closer and closer. I feel rushed of bliss that I can sustain longer and longer. I think that is the eventual endgame. This is basically freedom from all fears as Jesus said. Additionally, it will lead to an ecstatic reality where I am constantly in a state of pleasant bliss. But it feels like it goes so slow sometimes. It’s like a seed was planted and if you watch it too long, the plant never seems to move or transform, but now over the course of many years you can see slow steady progression.

Hey good luck to you, and I loved what you shared. I read it multiple times.

[kundalinikid]

Txsha,

Sounds good. I am going to look into it. My parents are strongly urging me to take my meds and go back to therapy again. But my last experience with therapy was poor. I’d like to do what you say and find someone more specialized that can more easily give advice. I was leaning towards one focused on Limerence.

I do feel my parents were more overbearing than neglectful. But I’ll have to think on your analysis further.

´Unrequited love´

To take it all a little further...

What if, before you were born, you choose for this life you are living right now? What if you had a specific lesson you wanted to learn? Maybe about remembering what real love, unconditional love is for a human...to remember it? What if you chose the people you know in your life right now? What if you asked, before being born into this life, this woman you met to help you remembering? And what if this is the only way to remember it? What if she then said yes...wanting to help you? Wouldn´t that be all about love? Because how hard is it to hurt a person (by running and ghosting) only in order to help the other remember him or herself as a soul...as love?

And maybe it is the other way around as well. What if the obsessive and chasing behaviour gives her sort of an awakening as well? We just don´t know...and we shouldn´t...

[~Lioness~]

Originally Posted by kundalinikid

Yes, that more or less sums it up.

Yes, I have tried twice, but I gave up because I didn't feel I was making progress as far as moving on with things. Perhaps I should try again and make it explicitly clear the seriousness of the issue, and that the behavior needs to end.

Thanks for the reply.

you gotta find the right therapist. you'll know when it's the right one because you'll be able to feel vulnerable and safe at the same time while opening up to them. i think therapy is your best best.

if you keep struggling with intense painful emotions, sadness, anger, and obsession look into a therapy called DBT. it's usually weekly group settings. it's helps me so much. before i started DBT, i was in the psych hospital every two months with ideations. now i have been out for two years this past april. it really works to deal with those intense emotions.