One thing I have trouble forgiving myself for

[SmallVoice]

Originally Posted by Miss Hepburn

Sorry to have introduced more confusion to your situation.

I'm sorry I reacted that way. I agree with you that she's a little girl who's had it rough. I just feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I love my wife more than anything, but she has thrown in the towel and any time I even mention our foster daughter, it upsets her. The only way I could get her to agree to me writing a letter to her was by opening up a post office box so that she wouldn't get our address. It should be mentioned that my foster daughter's brother was recently arrested for illegal possession of a firearm, so I think my wife is also a bit scared of what might happen if she decides to lash out at us for any reason.

[Miss Hepburn]

It's ok. You're really in a little spiritual battle...I don't envy you.
You know a crazy way I look at some things..."How the heck is this gonna play out in my Life Review!!" Lol. Oh gosh....
The pickles I get myself in. So I try to make the best decision, so I will feel the least amount of shame in my Life Review.
Sounds crazy, but it works for me!!

[lamb1]

Life Review - I like it

[iamthat]

Originally Posted by SmallVoice

I just remember her telling me once that, after being in so many foster homes, she feels like no one wants her. But at the same time, she doesn't really seem to want anyone else, so I don't know if I'm letting her down or letting her have her way.

A thought. This seems to be classic behaviour. She is so accustomed to being rejected that her way of dealing with it is to reject others before they have a chance to reject her. That way she feels that she has some control over her situation. When deep down she is crying out to be accepted and loved.

And it is human nature to have mixed motives in such a situation. I am sure that you genuinely want to help this girl but at the same time you maybe want to assuage your feelings of guilt, to make up for not having got it right the first time.

But you are in a difficult situation and really you need to put your marriage first.

And perhaps it would be good to step back and take the detached view that this has all unfolded exactly as it should, and this girl has chosen these life experiences for her own learning and also for the learning of everyone involved. It seems to have been a big learning experience for both you and your wife. This is not necessarily being callous and uncaring, but there is always a bigger picture, a higher perspective.

Peace

[pixiedust]

Originally Posted by iamthat

A thought. This seems to be classic behaviour. She is so accustomed to being rejected that her way of dealing with it is to reject others before they have a chance to reject her. That way she feels that she has some control over her situation. When deep down she is crying out to be accepted and loved.

Such an important insight. Thanks, iamthat.

[calla lily]

SmallVoice, you have to forgive yourself. It is one of the hardest things to do but doing it brings much peace.

[serendipity]

Children at that age blame themselves for everything. If you humble yourself to her, let her know that you are struggling and that is why you cannot take her in, you save her from blaming herself for all the trouble she's had with you as well as with other adults. This could be a healing experience for her if you take appropriate responsibility. She's the one who was abandoned by every adult in her life when adults are supposed to be the ones responsible. If you let her know that you are not perfect, you help her in so many more ways and make her life a lot easier. The psychological trauma is bad enough, let alone spending years believing it's all your fault and there's something wrong with you is something no child should have to deal with. It's not her fault the situation she's in, she was failed by adults, she deserves to know that. Please tell her that.

[Miss Hepburn]

Originally Posted by serendipity

If you let her know that you are not perfect, you help her in so many more ways and make her life a lot easier..

You're smart...like a person who has been in Therapy and gets things better.

[AngelBlue]

It's a terrible situation. Deep emotions are involved . I cannot advise on what to do as I don't have enough knowledge on these matters.

[OldChap]

Originally Posted by SmallVoice

So what do you suggest I do? Take her back in against the wishes of my wife? Destroy my marriage so that she can live with me a few years and then leave when she's 18 to go be with her mom? Never mind that I don't make enough money to live on my own, let alone support a child …

To benevolently help anyone is a good thing.

Difficulties arise when we have expectations. We expect the ones we are helping to become happier and grateful for the help.

Therein lies the importance of unconditional love. To love and help someone without expecting anything in return.

It is good to know nothing that happens in our personal life is ever random, coincidental, lucky, or unlucky. Everything happens with purpose and as it should be.

“Bad” things don’t happen to us, but for us to learn and grow spiritually to unconditional love that is our true nature.

Also good to know that when we have done all we could to help someone but the situation is not improving or working out, then it is okay to step away and let our many other teammates give it a go.

Do not take that as a failure on our part, but rather having the understanding that we each specialize in certain things and not everything. It is the foundation of cooperation and unity, people coming together to become stronger than by our individual self. It is one of the reasons why God created man and woman to come together in marriage.

The important thing is for us to stay joyful and happy.

That is not being selfish.

We can’t help others when we have become part of the problem.

All the best!