Hi Sweetie!

[FallingLeaves]

doesn't really matter
who you are

i felt very badly
for what I felt forced to do
regardless of any of that

maybe BECAUSE of that.

[FallingLeaves]

i'm having fun
meditating
not too bothered
by any of this
really

other than to deal with
the
ongoing educational aspects

anyway
tonite
i had a nice buzzing
in my hands and arms
just from kneeling
for a few seconds
in prayer!

anyway
once you get the gist
of what is going on
you get a little more forgiving
when the details don't work out
the way society tells you
that you should
want them to

but on the other hand
it can be just plain fun
to stop for a while
and complain about one's lot!

[FallingLeaves]

nice idea
but

a)
I don't feel like trying to figure out what that means
so I guess I'll have to be wrong on this

and
b)
didn't you hear me when I told you I'm not chasing you any more?

[FallingLeaves]

FWIW

nothing I said would have been 'right'

you were going to reject me

no matter what choice I made

and I know it

so to complain about a situation you not only encouraged

but actively chose to pretend had nothing to do with you

is on you

not on me

but like I say

you said it yourself

'you don't want me'

(shrugs)

[FallingLeaves]

it isn't so much a matter
of what he wants

it is just
he's got
a long laundry list of stuff
he doesn't want

because of the hurt

naming what he wants
is on that list
by the way

because it is the whole genie thing,
one can never be quite literal enough
to ask for exactly what one wants
and that is even if one
already
has a good handle on it

and he thinks too
sometimes
the satisfaction of wants
by a genie
is designed to just give more pain
anyway
--------------------------------------
besides
in all this not-wanting
he found a hidden gem
or a silver lining
if you want to call it that

something interesting
and halfway likable

right now
that seems more entertaining
than dealing with all the people
(read: females)
who can't help
but deal pain his way

not that he wouldn't go back to it
if he thought
things could somehow be different

but
on the other hand
he's done the wishful thinking thing
that 'things could somehow be different'
and that never works
they are mean about that too...

[FallingLeaves]

i was thinking about renaming this thread 'random stupidities'. But I guess I will keep it in memory of my long-lost sweetie...

[FallingLeaves]

hi sweetie

about the time I met you
I was ruminating
about
'the choice'

I saw everyone around me making it
and felt a little sad

but at the same time
I couldn't make it myself

now that I'd seen the true cost
I just didn't want
to pony up the dough

Still, kinda lonely.
-------------------------------------------
I still see people make the choice
sometimes
or other times
people who are proclaiming
how good it is that
they made the choice.

after all,
one can be happy
and one doesn't have to be lonely

I still don't wanna though

although now I admit
it is easier
because my eyes have become accustomed to the gloom
and I can see all the rare gems
strewn all over the ground
that noone even wants!

lol

[FallingLeaves]

sleepy sleepy

he learned
a really big lesson today

and then
immediately forgot
three others.

So much
for making progress!

[FallingLeaves]

as to the claim
he was being disingenuous

it doesn't really matter to him
because
after all
if he had said straight up
what he thought

she would have kicked him
by saying
'that isn't likeable'

so he was going to get kicked either way

at least this way
he could say
that instead of trying to push people
along a path
that they don't want to go down

he was letting them have
their own head...
----------------------------------------------
it isn't like his opinion matters
anyway

he thinks
he'd rather not
sit in the middle
between this and that

but let them choose
how they want to go about things

after all
it is after all
their own life
their own concern

it is not his place
to tell them how to relate to themselves.

I mean
God lets them choose their own way
even though they say the results are not good

how could I possibly
know better than God?

[FallingLeaves]

he has always known
the one he called his twin
may not indeed
be she

that he may have
in fact
got the wrong person

that the intricate story he wound
might have elements
of both fact and fiction

it has been a matter of torment at times
knowing he could be so wrong
yet having no way to find out what is right.

other than to just make something up out of thin air...
-----------------------------------------
there have always been
at least two others
who were nicer
than she who hates him
and would make good candidates
for being
a 'good' witch

and there have been other nice people
along the way
as well

that perhaps
were more important
than he might have supposed
at the time

as well as others
he didn't even meet

but the reality the twin brought
was there nonetheless
was there no matter who she was
or who she wasn't
and he didn't have anything better to do
given
that
noone wants to enlighten him
about whatever it is
that is really going on
in this strange world

since he has to make it up
for himself
anyway
and just live with whatever it is
he decides to think

there is no point
in continuing
to try
to sort out the unsortable

or to name the names
of everyone
who ever brightened his path...

or to do a lot of the things
people have told him
he must go about doing
(or not)
--------------------------------------------