Hi Sweetie!

[FallingLeaves]

hi sweetie

it is all so new
this idea
that I don't have to just choose someone
then try
to get them into my life.

that i can somehow live
without doing that.

well whatever else i might think of you
these days
I do owe you that!

So novel!

[FallingLeaves]

hi sweetie

i did something
totally off the wall
the other night

instead of propping myself up
and pretending everything was all right
just for show

I just rested in what I actually felt
without worrying
how others would take it.

it wasn't even
a big deal
just a nice moment

[FallingLeaves]

of course
he has always known
that
the inherent problem
with deciding
at face value
that the tree
of knowledge of good and evil
is itself evil

is
by simply making such a declaration
you've just eaten from it
again
anyway.

the taoists had a saying
that
knowledge of when
to simply stop
was a precious thing
to obtain.

[FallingLeaves]

after reading on the duality board
and with his current status
of being able to just shut up
and not wish to stir up trouble
at least sometimes
lol

he thinks it fair to say

somewhere
in the tao te ching
it says

'much talk counts for nothing
therefore obey the center'
------------------------------------------------------
so of course
he is gonna talk now
lol
--------------------------------------------------------
when he first started
with
the miracles/magic/taoist physics
he only saw a way
to get away
from a sad awful life
to something better

maybe
a happily ever after

then later he realized
that if he actually manifested that
*in the common world*
others
were likely to look at him
as if he were rich

then they would want
to get something out of it
for themselves
and
a lot of bad behavior
would result

which would mean
awful relationships
with others

which kinda put a damper
on his idea of
'happily ever after'
lol
------------------------------------------------
so even with
things he would actually
be interested to do
and even care about

like 'levitation'

or 'shape-shifting'

he isn't so interested
in making a big deal about getting there
-------------------------------------------------
not that he has given up with this dream
just
the focus has shifted
--------------------------------------------------
this stuff is very beautiful
beyond what people
would think they could get from it
if they would
actually believe in it

the journey through it
isn't quite comfortable
but
like i say
it is very beautiful

almost
like
an entirely different world

almost like
a kingdom
hidden in plain sight
---------------------------------------------
he is glad though
that god
didn't just give
knowledge of this
to people

if they were able to go there
and still continue to act the way they are acting
they would make as much of a mess of that
as they did the outer world.

the way it is
he doesn't have to try to believe in anything
doesn't have to try to get anything
doesn't have to try to be anything
it is just a kind of play
unfolding day by day

and what is even better
while he plays
he gets to learn something real
about who he is not.
----------------------------------------------------
so he is just having fun
with the journey
and not really focused
on where it goes

while at the same time
understanding
that
if he doesn't behave
then in the end
he could attract
a lot
of unwanted attention.

not that that has to happen
he can envision a reality
in which it doesn't

but
he finds
he just cannot know an answer
until he dares ask the question

so sometimes
it is nice
to just play things safe.

[FallingLeaves]

she's nice im sure,
and it worked fine before

but honestly
it is such effort
any more
to get
any of you
into my life,

and the results
of all this wanting
and waiting
are just horrible too

with each of you
kicking me around
mercilessly
in your bid
to get me
torn away from
the others

so
I think
I'ma just
gonna enjoy
whatever time I have left
without any of you being around...

[FallingLeaves]

im usually not
treated
very well

which i get

you get back
what you put out

and besides
people
need someone
to vent on.

still
eventually
it grates on you
and you want to just quit
painting things in bright colors
as if something
could actually work out
in one's own favor

and you just quit
wanting to try
to make something work.

[FallingLeaves]

im honestly not sorry
for making you mad

serves you right
for provoking me
then misunderstanding my response
and getting mad instead

i am sorry though
that i responded

I should have known
such thoughts
can't come to a good end

but i wasn't thinking straight
for a change
-----------------------------------------------------
on a completely different note
i am also sorry
that whatever I say
when I try to be real with someone
it seems to be met
with 'that is not a valid way to view reality'

and thus

'you are a lout'

so all i can do
is live
in this kinda twighlight world
where everything
is at once real
and fake

until I'm ready for another beating
------------------------------------------------------
but it is probably just as well
as it is starting to seem good to me
just to listen to some of the things
I was told
that seemed ridiculous before

in particular
returning to my roots
and just shutting up entirely
is starting to look really really good
right about now

and for reasons other
than simply being afraid.

It seems that
being afraid
can be a good thing
it can teach you about
what you might not want
either for yourself
or for others

unless of course
you are too busy proving
that you can overcome the fear...

[FallingLeaves]

i don't feel
like caving right now
there doesn't seem much point
either way

people keep telling me
how importantly
I should feel
certain things are

but I'm just tired of it
of nothing I do
ever going anywhere
when it is supposed to be
IMPORTANT
-----------------------------------------------------------
it is kinda nice to know
it isn't as important
as they say

but since that is the case
I just wanna play in the rain.

maybe however
I'll take a rain check on that

[FallingLeaves]

so i had to remove this one
it felt like
I was breaking a confidence
and I felt very uncomfortable
about the whole thing
so
while I couldn't change the fact
that I had posted it
I could at least
remove it
and limit the damage.

[FallingLeaves]

so
the reason
he was so mad
at his twin
early on
before he even knew
what a twin was

is because
he knew
the limbo
she was gonna put him in
when she kept going
the way she was going
and he didn't want that

and he didn't have any way of denying it to her

because she did it anyway
go figure
he has spent most of his adult life
trying to avoid all the 'deep meanings'
he was presented with
for what this place is
and thus how he 'must react'
in response to them

his 'place'
in this already-and-forever
fixed tapestry

and the 'correct' words to say
and the 'correct' things to do
to be right with god
and with other men
as slowly he dies
---------------------------------------------------------
it turns out
that after all that
after years and years
of hearing about different ideas
about what this place is
and who he should be in response
he doesn't want one of those

doesn't want the tremendous burden
of learning some random meaning
of understanding and believing in
'what is and what must be'

maybe it is true
that there is such a thing
and maybe it isn't
but
either way
he doesn't want any part of it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
I will note though
that god did at one point say
in his book
in response
to the horrors to come
'if you will simply turn
from your sinful ways
i will withhold
even what must be'

i don't know if i can trust that
any more
than i can trust
anything else
said to me

but

i like the sentiment.

any more
it seems
much much better
than simply
getting
revenge on all the infidels
for slights
that don't even matter