Go where you are loved

[RedEmbers]

A friend of mine gave me some advice to go where I am loved, where people take me as a part of themselves and treat me with kindness.
He suggested that if I leave my family who don't love me, I am loosing nothing.

I feel like an orphan in my birth family, with no resolve. I was an unwanted child and I feel like a scapegoat. I was taught to keep towing the line and fixing myself to keep the family together... I am beyond tired.

Has anybody emancipated themselves from their birth family? I can think of one woman, an ex workmate who did and she has never looked back, she has created a family and community for herself who love her for who she is. She went away from her birth family and to where she is loved.

She has not spoken to her parents since she got kicked over 15 years ago.

[FairyCrystal]

It can be beneficial in some cases to not have contact or to reduce the amount of contact. Or maybe for a while have no contact so you can sort yourself out and then later on maybe have a bit of contact when you feel like it, so not because you're supposed to.
Take control in that sense.

Also learning to express how something makes you feel the right way can be very helpful. That can sound like, "I don't like/want this, it doesn't feel good to me so I'm going to hang up/leave." and then also do that. Or rephrase that a bit so they have time to adjust, "... so if we can't talk about something else/another way I'm going to hang up/leave."

The idea behind this is NOT to get them to change who they are, but for you to draw a line and set boundaries in what you accept, and convey that clearly.
It allows them full freedom to continue, upon which you hang up/leave, or to stop and treat you differently.
But you may need a full break before you can and want to do this.
It can help though. I did the same with my mother. Worked a treat.
Problem is that we often don't communicate clearly and in the right way and are afraid to claim our power, especially with family with whom we have grown into a role to play & fulfil. It takes guts to step out of that role but it can be done.

If it is too bad and too upsetting you can indeed go for a full break. You can always decide later on if you want to keep going with that or not.

Hi RedEmbers !

I agree with your friend, if it feels right to you then turn your back.

I did so, when I was in my very early 20s. It was terrifying, but then again, when I was less than 10 I was already "forced" to take care of myself. I remember telling my mother, who had a few times threatened my carotid with a knife, when eating dinner, that when "I grow up, she would be a complete stranger". Then again, you don't need to be a complete stranger neither change your phone number. When you say "full stop", it means full stop.

Fast forward a decade or two later, at some point during the "COVID crisis", my mother sent me a message just for me to know she thought of me and hoped I was safe, I instinctively answered to her that I forgave her. She didn't change at all. At some point, I really needed her, and she let me down because I didn't have enough money for her liking. Today, I've been doing couple counseling for her. Long story short, if you feel like completly cutting ties, do it, but remember nothing in this life, or another, is never definitive. The only constant is change. Apart from a very, very, narrow few super duper rare things. Much love to you my friend Come to PM if you feel like it.

PS : FairyCrystal, I am thrilled to know there are people like you on this forum, and on earth.

Originally Posted by RedEmbers

Has anybody emancipated themselves from their birth family? I can think of one woman, an ex workmate who did and she has never looked back, she has created a family and community for herself who love her for who she is. She went away from her birth family and to where she is loved.

She has not spoken to her parents since she got kicked over 15 years ago.

I can sympathise. Luckily circumstances arose that I was pulled from my birth parents/home at 13. They didn't want me - and by that time I didn't want them. I haven't seen them since. That's in 27 years. No resentment, they'd be alien to me now as they were when I was 'removed'.
.

[lostsoul13]

I understand where your coming from—- I was adopted growing up(I was in foster -care) my mother (for intent and purpose) I resentful got back in touch with her…things are quite narcissistic(self absorbed—-getting on with our own things(my siblings have had children&&the youngest two I haven’t never seen… there were a lot of’ accidents’ whilst in the care of(the paternal fathers of other siblings) which lead to a court section 32…(which means all parental rights are stripped from source) it’s not much of a big deal because I have my twin flame (and that family-is with intent&purpose) not a biological one like my children and flame…I had therapy growing up (and talked my heart away) it’s just let and fundamentally being alive is a harsh place with plenary of lessons… it’s not for the faint hearted… but by all means it’s behind me..and I’ve grown up( I turned out alright…)

[RedEmbers]

Ahhh... sweetness.

Thank you for the replies, it means a lot to me to be able to reach out and receive help, guidance and support.

Fairy Crystal, I feel what you say and I thank you for such a kind and compassionate response to me.

You have called me out a little bit (in a good way). Learning how to communicate in an effective way, the struggle with family is that it can trigger so many reactionary responses. There is fear to respond rather then react as I am afraid of the spiral of shame - as my authentic and vulnerable truth can tend to trigger other people's pain points. Although I am now at a crises point where I need to feel my feelings and communicate with honesty.

I actually do feel that the main relationship I am currently troubled with will transform into something else as I express myself more honestly and set my boundaries and if not, I am at the crises point now where I am ready to walk away if there is no possibility of resolve at this point in time.

[Native spirit]

I Think a lot of us can relate to what you are saying.i grew up knowing my mother hated me and i hated her back.
my siblings were treated differently my younger sister was my mothers double looks like her speaks like her the whole nine yards.
my brother is the youngest he was the apple of my mothers eyes my sister second my older sister she didnt have much interest in her either, but more than me.
my dad was ok until i ran away from home at 11 i went to live with my grandmother,

when i got engaged i didnt even tell them they saw my ring. i made the wedding arrangements /they decided they wanted to pay for the reception i hated the place it was in hated the meal and i had a huge argument with her there,i was ready to hit her,

the best thing i ever did was leave home,they didnt have much to do with my kids either but my sisters kids got everything,
my brother had one she was beautiful she had Edwards syndrome she lived until she was 7.he adopted a brother and sister the lad i didnt like he was horrrid and he still is i dont have anything to do with him.

so you see we all go through things in life you are not alone.


Namaste

I think that is a beautiful remark go where you are loved . I've read everyone's comments here and it warms my heart despite all the terrible things you've all come through.

Abuse is never OK. But some may think that just because you are family you are suppose to take it, they give you a role to play, but as a grown up you do not have to accept that role. Those days are gone. When adult you do what's best for you.

I've taken a lot of punches because of things in the family but I have also felt very loved and I have felt strong ties. When a family is dysfunctional it can isolate itself from other people peeking in which only makes the family members more vulnerable to the abuse.

I've seen another family, what a narcissist is up to there - when not enough of getting the rest of the family - it's soldiers - lined up it is after the new in-laws and the new grandkids (just waiting til they will get of age). Been no fun watching that or being a part of it. Narcissists are a pain in the butt in working places but at home I bet even worse. They often isolate too and get even more obnoxious when feeling loosing control. I've had hell because of this and it had a bad effect on my relationship.

I think one has to take the distance you yourself feel is enough, for you to feel fine. I can't tell you if that means to you, if it is cutting all ties forever or saying I need my time now alone, or have physical distance to them - move far away - and let it run it's course. Feel your way.

[RedEmbers]

Thanks Native Spirit.

I have been speaking to more and more people outside of my family and beginning to see elements of what is being discussed here in my conversations. The topic of "creating one's own community and extended human family to be a part of gets mentioned quite a bit.

Isolation is a killer - so it is said. My family tends to isolate and is quite insular really. Shame is a great weapon to keep people small and "connected" but at a cost.

My family member accused me of lying to them the other day and I finally said that it is because I am too scared to tell them the truth because I feel that I will be shamed for it.

My differences are points which trigger their own insecurities, which they have not wanted to take the ownership of for themselves. That is the role of a scapegoat, deflection.

Again, the family told me to look within and "fix" myself and I finally said that perhaps it is time for me to own all of those parts which have been made to feel shame, to embrace all of those things which seem to set me "apart" and then everybody else can make a choice to accept me and take a look at their own parts which require reflection or we can make the choice to drift apart.

[RedEmbers]

Thanks, asearcher.

It is a bitter pill to swallow, to accept the abuse between one family member and myself.

I am not sure how it developed to that state, they are a sibling which took on a maternal role when I became a teenager, perhaps out of guilt for not wanting me around in the first place.

Unfortunately, manipulative behaviour encourages manipulative behaviour in others too as nobody feels as though they can truly be themselves.


I have felt a lot of love and a lot of suffering through my family relationships.
They have been toxic at times and yet they have all mostly evolved through love as well.

This particular relationship, however, it is too early to tell. I have distanced myself as much as I am able to for now and started to place more focus on building relationships where I can begin to own all of those parts of me I have pushed away for the sake of survival in my younger days.