The Journey (my story)

:) Inspired by the 'Ego' post that I didn't want to hi-jack :)

Wow! Life is a journey, aint it? Through hell and heaven and everyplace in between. I was thinking of my own spiritual journey and how much my perceptions have changed and continue to change and am curious to know yours.

When I was little, I was very sensitive. I knew things that I didn't know everyone else didn't know. Then someone told me that people don't know those things and I stopped knowing them (for the most part). I sort of 'dulled out' the sensitivity and became numb (plus there was some trauma in my life at that time). But it was still there, I was just numbing it out. I had decided that I don't really belong in this world (although not consciously). However, I continued to research "paranormal" type things through adolescence and teen years. I knew that I didn't agree with the Christian church we attended. Not that I didn't believe in Christ, just that I knew that some of the teachings were not correct. And I remember thinking that it was 'odd' that a church elder did not know parts of the truth that were very important. I remember this time because it was so innocent. I did not judge him in the least, I was more perplexed and curious as to how someone in his authority could be mistaken or did not know.

During teen years and early 20s, I was caught in a victim type of mentality in attempting to deal with the trauma from earlier years. All of this is important because the physical and spiritual planes are DEEPLY entwined :) . So, I did many self destructive things and then struggled with the guilt and shame that resulted. However, I became aware of such things as Eckankar, Seth (Jane Roberts), Bashar (Darryl Anka) and I became very engulfed in their messages. I began to really understand into my early and mid twenties that we create our reality. HOWEVER, there was a frustration with that :). I have studied herbs also since my early 20s. I wanted to own a greenhouse business and get into alternative medicine. I started to manifest that with being hired (the guy actually came to my door to ask me to work for him) by a greenhouse business. This was good for a while... but the frustration was that even though I knew that I was responsible for my emotional, physical, and spiritual states, I still struggled with emotions, behaviors, and addictions (although I wasn't aware that I was addicted to anything at the time). So, I felt guilty and shamed because even with this knowledge, I was still not manifesting all of the happiness that I could be.

Long story but I fell out of the greenhouse business but took much knowledge about growing and using plants and herbs with me. My love is healing, not greenhouse (although I love greenhouse stuff :) ). So, it was a necessary step along the path but not the end... NEVER the end. As I continued to 'fall into' work accidentally, I noticed that it always had to do with working with children/ people who had behavioral, emotional, and/ or physical problems. I fell into sort of a low place, feeling that I did not have any true talents or path (because I did not see it yet). My husband is an awesome professional musician and a very skilled machinist but I was feeling pretty mediocre and started coming from a victim place again. I felt guilty because I knew that I had ultimate control over my emotions and my physical reality, yet I continued to struggle with them. I read "The Four Agreements" also in my mid to late 20s and embraced the ideas within. I felt that I had let go of the trauma from my past. Yet, I still struggled with anger and feelings (as swept under the rug as they were) of self-doubt and unworthiness. This was a pretty unconscious thing and I did a lot of lying to myself. :)

When I was very low, I did reach out (to my spiritual guide... who I also became more 'friendly' with in my late 20s due to a vision quest) and became inspired to return to school for psychology (which I had started out of HS but dropped out). I liked psychology but it didn't feel quite right. I knew that I was more interested in consciousness and it is hardly ever talked about. So, I asked my adviser (who was very straight-laced and cognitive-based ) if there was any way that I could learn about hypnotherapy. He directed me to another professor who was into it. She just happened to be starting up something she called a 'PTI' which was very expensive and which would not train me to do hypnotherapy and it was the first time she offered it. I would actually be going in as a client. Of course, I told her that there was trauma in my past but that I was fine now and had 'found my way' with spiritual training and experiencing. :) (which is part true... and was fully true from what I knew). It was sooo unlike me to spend that kind of money to do something like this but I wanted to experience it so I did. And it changed my life. I couldn't believe this existed. It is psychology/ counseling from a healers perspective. HOLY COW!!!! It was like the Universe created this just for me. I was looking into various healing arts such as Reiki, massage, accupuncture, herbalism (which I'm still very into) because I knew traditional therapy just was not it for me. This was it (Heart Centered Hypnotherapy). Wow! It's amazing how you seek and you shall find.

ANYWAY, from experiencing this as a client, I realized that there was still much deep healing to do. I had healed a lot on my own... but it was as the peeling of a layer. By knowing that I control my reality, I was denying parts that are still in need of healing. I thought that if I just think real positive and "get past the ego", I would be good. But on the subconscious level, programming was still running that had been set many years (and maybe even life-times) ago. Keeping the self-doubt and unworthiness programs going on unconscious levels. So, I learned how to heal them at the source, to break the program where it was created. To experience the trauma and heal it rather than pretending that it was not there or no longer effected me. And, removing the shame for being HUMAN and experiencing the trouble that sometimes comes with it. :)

I then got my BA in Psychology and also took the training to become certified in Heart-Centered hypnotherapy. I also 'fell into' another position at a Mental Health Center, continuing to do pro bono hypno sessions on the side (I had been working at a Psychiatric boy's home). I then immediately started into my Master's program in Counseling. I 'knew' that I would do the advanced internship in the Heart-Centered program (which is also very expensive) but I didn't know how I would make it happen. Long story short, I was plagued with severe doubt that I would be able to make this happen. There was a lot of sadness and anger swept under the rug because I know this is my path and there was the old programming that it doesn't matter because I can't have it. :) At the same time, I am assisting another PTI with the same therapist who helped me at my PTI and who trained me when I was certified. I wont even mention all of the significant spiritual symbols (visits from animals, etc) that tie me to this woman and this work.

I am now in my late 30s and am becoming more aware of unconscious programming and how very subtle thoughts affect our life path. How beliefs, even if we try to deny on a conscious level, can be present and operating on an unconscious level. How denial of these programs only means that they are able to run more effectively. That uncovering the programming and debugging them at the source is the only way.... and this can almost never be done through traditional talk therapy. I'm realizing that I was right when I was little. I can feel other people's physical, mental, and emotional pain and I have a knack for relieving it (although this is just a band-aid and they have to do the deprogramming... all healing is self-healing). I've known my entire life that there have been generations of healers and sensitives in the family. But I always felt a little 'flaky' when I thought about using this. I felt a bit crazy, really. And then there were moments of grandiosity...lol... which are also not accurate. It's never about me. I don't think that any 2 hands are more healing than the next... it just has to do with being clear. And being clear comes from sweeping away the old programs and surrendering to the experience, to the process, and to God. Instead of trying to prove to myself that my experiences (particularly 'paranormal' experiences) are real and valid; I now accept them as such and am learning to work with them. AND, I found a way to make the advanced training and will be going in October for the first time. It's a huge deal... I will be flying by myself and going to a state I've never been to. Four years ago, I would have NEVER done this. I would have been afraid and been perfectly happy saying that's just not me... to travel by myself (oh, one of my big fears has been getting lost :p ). In fact, when I went to the first PTI (that is within my state), I rode with someone else out of fear of getting lost. Also, this job at the mental health center requires me to travel some (within 4 counties) and I have been overcoming some of this fear by this 'coincidental' requirement of the job. I also almost backed out of the job when I discovered I would have to travel. I have MUCH less fear now and a bit more sense of adventure. :)

So, I went through being all ego, thinking ego was 'bad', believing I could 'will' away the programming with very little insight, thinking there is no 'me', there is only 'we'; and coming back to myself separate, and together... connected to spirit, connected to this earthly world (with love rather than resentment). From being perplexed by Christians, to feeling guilty for not being one, to being resentful of the faith, and back to accepting... and perplexed yet with more understanding.

I know this was long and if you read it, thank you. I would love to read of your journey. I know that mine will be forever unfolding.... even beyond this life. :)

Thank you for sharing.

I guess different people grow at different rates. I am 22 in august, and have grown through past pain and suffering and a lot of experience from an early age. I grew up quite fast. Now most of my friends are in their 40's or late 30's. It's amazing how our thoughts about something can manifest into reality. Like you got your BA in psychology. I too am very very interested in psychology. I am in the midst of reading a Phd level developmental psychology college textbook from a high class college. My neighbor gave it to me. He is a physicist and chemist. He is very educated and gave me his college textbook on developmental psychology. You are probably familiar with non-mediated S-R theory, mediated view S-O-R theory, and Cognitive View. Psychology is the field I am going into. I've been through a lot of pain and suffering in my past on a daily basis. I have gained a lot of experience for an almost 22 year old. I figured out that my life purpose is to help others. And I have an idea how to form a new branch of psychology based on New age psychology. But I am educating myself about developmental psychology right now. I would love to be in college right now, but the money isn't a flowin. Thank you for sharing your life story. I really appreciate it.

Fabulous story - thanks for sharing. I'm envious that you were cognitive enough to reach out for the spiritual solutions at such an early age. At the same time, each of us travel different roads and there is indeed a certain logic to the madness we sometimes feel...;o). Good travels on the rest of your journey!

Thanks for sharing your story.

It’s great that you’ve gotten back to the ME + WE concept. Many others have as well realizing that LOVE that was talked about sooooo much in the early decades of the New Age movement also includes love of our individuality. Many weren't comfortable w/ being told to LOVE everything else, including our enemies, then being told that we should disdain our individuality. Unfortunately ego (self/individuality) is often equated w/ being egotistial or egotism. Ego is neutral mechanism while the particular state of the neutral mechanism is egotism or being egotistical. This is not a small difference! More information has been discussed in the last decade by multiple sources about how honoring & celebrating our individuality isn’t inconsistent w/ Oneness or higher dimensional consciousness.

As the Dalai Lama said it’s “Not Me or We, But Me and We”

From “The Art of Happiness in a Troubled World”, pg. 38-43, a conversation w/ the Dalai Lama & Howard Cutler, MD:

‘Howard Cutler question, “How do we reconcile this conflict between cultivating this healthy sense of independence, a sense of Me, with a sense of connection with the group, a sense of We?”

“I see no conflict here,” the Dalai Lama stated flatly.”
...
“I think in discussing this topic we should first make something more clear. Now, I have noticed that sometimes people in the West have this tendency to see things in black and white terms, all or none. So here you are speaking of this Me Versus We, as if one needs to make a choice ... .

... The difference between the Tibetan language and English might suggest a basic difference of perspectives. In tibetan, the word we use for ‘I’ and ‘me’ is ‘nga’ and the word we use for ‘us’ and ‘we’ is ‘ngatso’. So on the basic level of the words themselves there is, in the Tibetan language, an intimate connection between ‘I’ as an individual and ‘we’ as the collective. ... it’s like extending the individual sense of self, rather than losing it.

... And, in fact, this process of expanding your identity as being a part of a group can actually be a very natural process that occurs without losing your individual identity.

Basically, it is not a matter of Me or We, but rather Me and We.”’ (My caps, italics, & underline.)

Suzan Carroll writes about this dynamic of how self (individuality/ego/personality) interacts w/ SELF (entire extended energy field) when we achieve Oneness. Self + SELF. Oneness (5D+) doesn’t require us to dissolve or lose our individuality w/ a ‘herd mentality,’ but one where individuality lives in ‘unity’ w/ Oneness.

http://www.multidimensions.com/Super...awakening.html

It is an Either Or polarity mindset we’ve been in for the last 2000 years (Piscean era) that leads us to think that both are not entirely compatible when they are & really make more sense existing together as our natural ascension growth process is about uniting energies, not dividing or leaving them begind.

In a May 2010 channeled message Magenta Pixie summarized, “The ingredients needed for Ascension preparation are not the shedding or transcending of the ego but the integration of the ego, realising it is the ego that has provided you with the ability to recognise and see the divinity within yourself, even whilst it appears on the surface to be in opposition to that divinity.”

Interesting article about how the paradigms about ego are changing w/ spiritual writers across the board.

http://www.enlightennext.org/magazin...nce.asp?page=1

It's very understandable when people disdain or distrust their ego given how many millions of messages we've been given by many groups for thousands of years that we are flawed, damaged goods w/ renegade portions of our energies that aren't to be trusted. We can TRUST & HONOR every part of us. LOVE it all.

Mattie, can you please explain more on ego being a neutral mechanism? I am in the middle of reading a book having to do with ego. I'm interested in what you mean by "neutral mechanism?"

[Emmalevine]

Wonderful story that I read with great interest, thank you. I'm studying psychology and a lot of what you say resonates deeply with me. I have past truama and have struggled with the so-called victim mentality for some years. I'm aiming to get past this and make a happier life for myself. Your story is very inspiring.

Thank you all for sharing. Great stuff, Matti.

For those of you who are going into Psych, I really do recommend Heart Centered Hypnotherapy for those of a similar mind-set. (well, that was my path anyway, yours may be completely different and I would love to hear about it). BUT, here is what it is: http://www.wellness-institute.org/home.html .

Yeah, Moke... the whole Behavioral thing. :) It's what I was thinking that Psychology was all about... and much of it is. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy is highly backed with empirical type research. It's easy to observe and to eliminate variables, etc. But (my opinion) something is missing in a major way. We went so opposite to the psychodynamic view... it was probably more of the black and white thinking. :) We need something in between. I like the Heart-Centered model because it goes back to the source of the trauma and does the reframing (a big cognitive tool) there and with quite the use of emotion and release... very empowering. :)

Good journey to you all regardless of where you are on your journey. May your path unfold with many happy surprises right before your eyes ;)

Wow. I saw so much of my own experience in your story. Yes life is an incredible journey & full of surprises particuarly when you allow yourself to be taken along with it as opposed to trying to control it.
One of the most amazing things I've looked into of late particually with all the mind & ego stuff about, is that to me there appears to be a truth AND a lie in basically every concept we take on. Meaning that we start to understand how as humans we see things differently to each other. We will accept the truth & reject the lie of a concept in order to fit our particular path & yet we see & reject the lie in others.
Zen koens have always appealed to me as they offer no finite resolution & purposely tie the mind up to reach an understanding outside of mind. I digress. Good journey fellow traveller & never lose the ability to laugh at yourself.

Hi NH :) It's like... no matter where you go, there you are. :)

I guess I see things similarly... things either resonate with me or they don't. And I kinda like to play around and see if I can MAKE them resonate with me in order to connect. :)

[Mystique Enigma]

An interesting poem i had the good fortune to happen across .....

The Journey
One day you finally knew
What you had to do, and began
Though the voices around you
Kept shouting
Their bad advice -
Though the whole house
Began to tremble
And you felt the old tug
At your ankles "Mend my life!"
Each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
Though the wind pried
With its stiff fingers
At the very foundations,
Though their melancholy
Was terrible.
It was already late
Enough, and a wild night,
And the road full of fallen stones.
But little by little,
As you left their voices behind,
The stars began to burn
Through the sheets of clouds,
And there was a new voice,
Which you slowly recognized as your own,
That kept you company
As you strode deeper and deeper
Into the world,
Determined to do
The only thing you could do -
Determined to save
The only life you could save.
By Mary Oliver