Hi Lost soul13, yes, you're right you did write that, I did not mean to come off like that, I'm sorry. All my feelings were outside my skin when I wrote what I wrote before. I agree with some you write, but I still think it is a danger with you-know-what, LOL.
I think there is danger to think we own someone else, we don't own anybody, one belongs to another person, spirit as long as one wants to, married or not, the same goes. I have experienced it as if he thinks he owns my body, or as if we share same body, glued together or something. I do not in any way mean being unfaithful, that is a different thing entirely.
He is used to being on top of things and this is a strong breathing personality trait in him, it can be good considering what he does for a living, so it is not always a bad thing. I'm more relaxed, not that I take for granted that he will be on top of things but more that i don't stress myself too much about some things.
I get you 100% about eating healthy is the right thing to do, agree but it can to be developed into an obsession. He is not that particular about that. He loves junk food.
I am more the one who makes sure nutrition is right there to eat, but he chose not to and I don't ever say anything about it because that's just me. we are both adults. We both have brains of adults. He knows what I know. It is his choice. I can't be his mama. I don't feel like being his mama. I have a natural love for food with nutrition in it.
i just think i have this strong desire in me to believe in free will and to live and let live and that I just don't own anybody. A commitment is one thing, but it is not an ownership, when one crosses the line for that individual inner cirle of being. The only person I can tell what to do is my daughter, but that is to protect her, she has a child brain, not an adult brain. I just have this line that I don't want crossed, not with me, not with someone else. If they ask of my opinion, sure I will give it but I won't force my ideas and I won't be controling. I can be fiercely protective of someone, but I still don't cross a line. He crosses a line with me. And I really have to tell him lots of times to back off. He comes with comments what I look good in, what clothes to choice, how I should have my hair. I don't know if it is me being sensitive to it but even if I am I can't help it and I have to stick to it because the other option is not working for me. I chose myself what I want to look like. If he don't like it he can take a hike. I have been afraid to loose my individuality. Its like he has been nagging at my free will. I don't like that.
He says himself he gets it that he comes across as being too cold, he comes from that type of background, while I come across as being sensitive. What a combo, right?
even other kids react on his cruel jokes and say just that, that it is cruel, it isn't funny, he may not mean it that way but he needs to be more considerate.so to me when i see my childs dad go too far and he don't react himself i get scared and think how cold is he? if/when will he stop? there has been lots of times when I have read in someone's expression, body language, something, that something isn't right while he just don't read the warning signs, and that's bad. He just thinks it's funny.
his way of being on top of things, controling, i have been in it for so long i knew something was wrong but I could not say what it was. For me to just use the word controling is still unfamiliar to me even if I know it is spot on - that's what he's been.
about his stupid diets (sorry, but they are stupid, all of them) he goes on those who leave out lots of nutrition.
He always wants quick results. I then know i am to "look forward" to him being easily agitated for about 2-3 weeks (loosing that suger addiction). I swear each time he would tell me he was to go on a diet I would get a pain in my stomach. And be like OK...(and may the lord be with us)
One time he wanted no bread in the home but I eat bread and so does everyone else in the household, I told him he had to live elsewhere then. I mean , food is everywhere - what am I suppose to do with that? Is that my fault?
One time after shopping i directed us into a coffee shop and took myself the pleasure to buy a cake to eat, right. He would sit opposite of me (not having anything but a glas of water, how fun is that) and say to me that he felt it as if I was only doing this to test him, to provoce him, to see what I would get away with without getting a reaction from him.
who talks like that?? I had eat more food with nutrition in it all week, if I want me a cake I'm gonna have me a cake. I only took it because I felt the urge to. who is he to forbid me? He did not have to even go to that coffee shop with me, I told him before, I said me and our daughter is just going to go there, we can meet up later. She took some yoghurt, I remember, with some berries on top, her choice, but he chose to come along too. The whole world does not evolve around him and his diet. He does not own my body. Like he was my dad or something. even as a dad that would have been irritating.
Same goes one time we spend the night at a hotel, next morning - what do you look forward to? The hotel morning breakfast, right? i swear i felt his eyes on me throughout. I hardly dared to put anything on my plate. I had lost all joy for hotel morning breakfast, that almost felt like a tragedy. I just wanted to cry (seriously).We usually don't eat breakfast together and that was just one of those times when it hit me, oh no we are going to eat breakfast together. You shouldn't have to feel like that.
I am sensitive to when ever I feel he is irritated. And those eyes. I have no skin against it. Right at you. Lots of times I have asked him if he is irritated and he says no, but then an hour or hours later the "confession" (more like explosion) comes. I knew it.
With his first family he is used to parents fighting out in the open and because I come from a split home I'm worried how that will effect them (potential children around), t hat's why it often takes place in the evenings when asleeping.
I've never talked to anyone outside (family, friends) about our different tempers. I don't wish to speak bad about the father of my child, break up or not, I don't anything turned around to her.that it will get to her. Even if I was a child merely myself I am much scared from the split of my parents. it's still alive in me. hasnt left, that experience.
The very best of him comes out in his relationship as a dad, you can just see in his eyes the love, the endearment he has, and he's adjusting. And him being on top of things can be a good thing as a dad, only not over do it, you know.
I guess I have a relaxed attitude about my weight, always have, and it is not as if I move that much down or up the scale, it's not a big deal. I have curves.I have my figure from my mom and she had it from her mom, it's like kate winslet, no matter up or down the weight scale youre still end up with the curves. There isn't much to do about that. You can love it or leave it. I love it. No way I am to let my body get butched. That's the body type I try to teach my child (who has now my body type as I had when I was her age) is OK to have, just like to have any other body type. That there is nothing wrong with it. that everyone deserve respect. that you shouldn't mock anyone's body, looks, weight, what ever. We all deserve respect, we're all on our journeys and we are proberly all trying to heal from something in the past.
The sad thing is maybe that because she was from the start built with that strong inherit body type to her that some in his first family can't see where she would get anything from their side and that's true, I can't see it either. And the stupid weight obsession, those comments from his first family. He says he is worried as he notice our daughter don't eat like she should (but she still has that body type) and that was what he meant by it, nothing else. i want him aware of the messages he is sending out and how they can be received by her. It's terrible. I have been furious with him as he did not understand how much our daughter takes in, how much she listens even if she is busy doing something else.
I have distanced her from any weight talk obsession these days (even if it has never come from me but her dad and those comments from his first family) and even if others have no clue to what we are going through not even my closest friends as I don't want to, not at this stage, it has just been so wonderful to be around people who have so many other topics to chose from and do that. We have enjoyed ourselves.
I don't think I will ever get what the weight-obsession is with her dad. He is strong, physically, and so just like you describe he should then have to count that into what ever he now counts as overweight. when I have said i think he is beautiful just as he is he has just said thanks and that it warms him but this is the thanks i get in return. not that i was saying something nice and true just to get a compliment back, but still.
I understand the healthy approach to want to strive to be better fit or built more muscles, live a life where you eat what your body really needs instead of junk food, to strive for that, but at the same time I see no need to put down your own looks at the present or anyone elses for that matter. It does not exactly give positive energy.
I think the role my child's dad has had in life from the scratch is that he has received compliments on his good looks even if he does not like to draw attention to him (kind of strange, but that is how it is).
he has too said to me "Alright then. I accept you at your weight now. Youre still beautiful the way you are now. And with the curves. But you should't go further than this". (I'm like who the hell does he think he is? He
accepts me? who talks like this?). I just said I don't accept you regardless of your weight with your comments on my body.
So to me the answer is personally that if I feel in balance inside myself the rest will take care of itself. I have been loosing weight unintentionally if I have been too active but also one time when I struggled, was unhappy. When he thought I was too underweight he complained about that too, but I was fine. I did not need to hear that either.
Because I have struggled now with this relationship for so long my brain has not been balanced because of it, it is isolated to the relationship and not other parts of my life. Other parts stay stable like work, friends, other relationships. I have such great friends really from early age that are still with me. I think I had this naive thought that I would have a marriage life in harmony when I met my first boyfriend as I in general have long term relationships with people once I connect. I did not think my love life would turn out to be such a complicated story.
I notice when I get unbalanced like this it is as if my brain does not send out the right signals, that the stress can make me eat either less or perhaps too much, but it is still my business. I don't appreciate my child's dad's mocking or worry or what ever he now thinks he is doing.
One time I lost surprising lots of weight by just turning into eating a specific food that I just loved and I was not even hungry, not once, throughout. I was not irritated with him or nobody, I was just feeling good and I was not looking to loose weight, that just happened.
I think too if one is to loose weight than it is no sense in rushing it by stupid diets as the c hilds dad has done as he then later will come and complain it is all on him again, the ones he fought so hard to loose. Too I think the body has it's own time to adjust and if lets say the stomach has been expand it takes time for it to adjust to a smaller size.
Its like when you have accidently broke something on your body and they tell you it will heal in about so and so time. It is no point in rushing things and pushing things and then be frustraded about it and then going back to how it was before. To just accept that for it to be sustainable it takes time and be OK with it in the meanwhile and too be OK with it if your body as a comfy-weight. I trust that if this is my comfy weight it is and if it is not than time will show itself it is not, if I just feel balanced on the inside it will regulate whats right for me and my body.
What i find strange about him is that he gets as destroyed as he gets when i react, he should in my opinion, most rational considering the comments he has made, been more cold and indifferent to loosing me. Confusing.
I've decided not to have our daughter exposed to such stupid diet-talks as it is as vulnerable as it is at this stage. I've talked to someone in his first family together with her dad so that individual who I trust and been protective of me in the past will now be watchful and protective of her in case a certain someone is around and her dad won't hear, react or be in the room. The certain someone who makes such comments is impossible to reach about this. I don't want this around my daughter, it is sickening to me.