Why can't I remember, could it have been black magic or hexes?

The background story was that I had memory gaps, severe such, during a relationship with someone I was taught by a psychiatrist to have been a psychopath. The statistic says it is about 2% psychopaths in the world, but that did not stop me from bumping into one, of course ;), Good though that the world is not cramped with them, wouldn't you say (me trying to think of it in a more positive way) :)

In the thread here earlier I asked if it could possible be, even if I know it sounds nuts hexes or black magic or anything of similar nature - to have influenzed, created these memory blanks, or something else correlated to it, guess old fear of knowing he was involved with something, a group, where rituals etc are rumored or famous to have happened in at least some of these groups, from what I understand. I think it was the not knowing that did the trick I guess feeding my fear, but at the time I had other fears as to what was going on, the other issues we had.

I know that in the relationship I got to have severe stress and sleep deprivation (and I think that came somewhere middle to the late part) and those are proven to cause amnesia. That could be too why I could always only remember the few words before an argument or a fight with him as that would have increased my stress level even more. Why I could not find the words when he was waiting for a reply.

Since I made this thread I was asked if he could have drugged me. My answer was 1. Never thought of that before and 2. that to my memory I never felt drugged.

I then began to look into if a medication I know I took could cause amnesia, this medication was something I took for periods of times consistently and others only temporarily and some periods not at all. I was startled to find out that this medication has proven to cause amnesia! It was not antidepressent or any kind like that, it was not for mentally support. I took none of those during.

Here is a link to the article I read about it, very interesting I think. I knew some of it before, but there was some valuable information there too - I had no idea of previously, so just like to share that:

https://www.aarp.org/health/drugs-su...mory-loss.html

So then I guess I have my answer. Neither he (that I know of) or me was into any drugs and we did not drink much.

Why I so particurly can't remember the first period of our dating history, have only very few glimpses of it, is not that I think it was an unpleasant time for me, and too the pills could have played their part.

I would instead now go with the hunch that it was then that I fell for him, developed feelings for him, that this was a happy period for me in our relationship, and because of what became of this later on - the happiness turning into severe unhappiness - my mind had to protect me from going back to him,

Thank you for reading.

[lostsoul13]

My twin and I relapse —-where by growing up together, time hasn’t moved on enough for me to be to romantically inclined: the relationship is starving with amnesia: I can’t remember us coming together- can’t remember us being flames but we are-my first memory is being risen and taking her as my sight…reincarnation of flames and twins: I know that here my body starts and hers ends: it isn’t plain sailing ,but the account has manifested us young and in our later years- growing up together has left a gap in our relationship but we ar flames and I feel the need to take it slow: after all we have everything a flame can offer… but I still can’t get over the amnesia—- maybe construction work will bring the necessary memories back: taking it slow seems to do the trick: you know there’s memory loss that’s enough for you to gain it back- stress can definitely be a factor…drink and drugs will definitely help and aid loss…but sometimes these things trigger things: because the inducement—- it’s lethargic … like me I have the necessary triggers there and know it’s not fake… it helps a lot, creating new memories just triggers the indifference… everything is quite lethargic at the moment… it will be 1000+ years yet before stillness’ becomes…

[Antonio94]

As I understand, there are generally 4 reasons why we have memory loss:
1. Use of drugs (as you have shared the article): those drugs may have side effect and they can negatively affect our brain cells, causing memory loss.

2. Overwork: apparently this happens a lot nowadays, and sadly overwork also makes us forget things, simply due to the brain exhaustion that we don't want to remember anything, we just want to rest.

3. Subconcious suppression: this surprisingly happens a lot when i talk to a number of people in psychological course (my apologies if I use the wrong terminology). Basically there might be an event that was so traumatic that a person could not handle. It was so painful that the person wanted to avoid thinking about it. Gradually the person subconciously locked that memory and believed it never happened.

4. Black magic (or curses): this is not something easy to encounter but it does rarely happen. But if you think this happen to you, you may want to ask a question: why someone would do that to you? Normally black magic or curses are used for a very specific purpose.
My life in Asia has shown quite a number of mystical event that surprised me a lot. There are several kinds of curses that commonly used:
- to make a person love someone
- to make a person act crazily, unlike his/her normal self (the purpose may be defamation, or to steal property)
- to mind control a person and "peacefully" the victime to handover properties.
-------------------
In your case:
- The reason 4 is kind of unlikely from my perspective. The question is why someone would make you forgetful? What is the motive behind that? How does this benefit the culprit?

- Reason 1 is possible, if you rely a lot on those drugs.

- Reason 2 & 3 are the two most common. Personally I cannot make any claim, but I think those two reasons are the most viable to deal with compared to reason 1 & 4.

I hope my answers would help, and also thank you for openly share your stories.

(I have edited my answer, it was too much info)

Hi, thank you very much. Yes, I agree with you.

I have began to remember more but it is the safe memories and it does not touch me in any way emotionally. Before there was this dim over his face so I could not see what he looked like in my memories, I can now and that is OK.

I still can't remember a single one of our first dating history. The ones I remember the most is that we are around other people.

To me he did not seem like the guy who would exercise any type of religion or spiritualism or the occult.

Only I do remember that he chose to bring up the subject with me (about someone else he knew) and he took me somewhere where such things were but I did not want to enter. I don't know why he did it but while I was there I withdrew. He was part of something too and I think that aga, the not knowing, is what too triggered my system.

What I can regret today is that I did not give myself the time to get to the end of the treatment that a psychiatrist wanted to offer me while I was coming out of the relationship and having stress symptomes.

I came in there not wanting to discuss him, or what I then thought was our past, and I wanted to get help - on me. He was no favorite subject of mine to talk about. I was reclusive during the relationship and would not even talk about him to my family.

During the relationship I had become unhappy but I did not know for sure why I was unhappy and I did not want to blame him for my unhappiness, until I was absolutely sure. I knew something was happening to me, but I was not sure of what. I can't answer if he was around the same time unhappy with me too back then or if that was something that happened later.

Besides from the relationship having it's problems, what I can say now for sure (but that was my normal speed, demands on myself back then) is that I had 2 major stress-points in my life at the time. I was handling those 2 in a good way which was why perhaps I did not consider them to have been the stress factors that pushed me over the edge.

I remember my genuine surprise as the psychiatrist got so focused on my failure of a relationship, asking questions, to then at one point naming him a psychopath. I guess I was surprised at the word, not really knowing what it meant, but too because the psychiatrist had never met my then ex.

What I can say now (I refused to even study this any closer for years, did not want anything to remind me of him or "us") is that yes, he fits the profile.

Then again today I think someone who lacks empathy, who can't produce it in the brain, in the heart, who is callous at times, is like a stone, it can't help that it is a stone, it can't change what it is. As he did not have the capacity, so could he then really know the damage he was doing? I don't know. It was done, anyhow. And it was not in his favor when he suddenly decided he wanted me back. So...not so smart and well thought through then, IMO.

[Antonio94]

I think I can understand the pain. The feeling of love when we genuinely love somebody, but that person does not truly love us back. They say that they love us, but in the end they are just doing things that benefit them (or atleast that's what they think).

Such relationship is toxic in itself because one person (us) keeps giving them too much while they take too much and give back too little.

But by the end of the day, both parties suffer. Even the so-called "psychopath" has to suffer (it's simply the matter he realizes that or not). I mean frankly speaking no psychopath is truly successful in their life. Their lack of understanding kept them from truly empathize with other people, let alone their "loved one".

Still, by saying that I don't mean that you should help him. No. What's matter is focusing back on our life, what are we missing? What we need to focus on ourselves to make us better.
Helping is the matter of capability and "right person". If you do not think you have the capability to help him, it's fine to ignore him. You may think of him occasionally, but I'd suggest not to ignore all memories entirely.

For me, the key is to understand yourself. Normally a relationship is formed based on give & take (both conciously and subconciously). When we fall in love with another person, normally it means that person also gives us some meaning in our life, like purpose, or lesson. Or we originally desire something and that loved one can grant us such desire.
And so it's fine to ignore him, especially when he caused you so much pain. But to truly let go of him and the memory with him, personally I believe it's best to understand why you have a relationship with him in the first place? What did you seek from him?

By saying this, I do know how hard it is to truly get over such a difficult relationship (for me it took 2 years to finally realize the truth in me). But once you do find the answer, everything suddenly feels easy to forgive. It does not mean you will get back with him again. No, but at least you can learn something valuable for yourself from that relationship. Then get on with your life, with a better person that you may find in the future.

I hope you the best of luck.
Of course if I misunderstand anything, feel free to correct me. After we are all learning in this world filled with hardships.

(edited my answer, once again, sigh...)

Yes wise words :) thank you

Was it, if you like to share, a particular moment after those 2 years, like an epiphany, that released you?

One thing I remember I took with me as I was coming out, was out of it, was the gratefulness I felt for humanity. For despite all our faults, we still got the warmth, the people caring in their own little way. I've always generally liked people, but then realizing before, I had taken so much for granted. He was not like the average people.

And it had just been such a grief that in my own way I had shut myself out of that world, that every day life world of the real people. It was as if I had stood beside him and watched them but that I could no longer be part of them, their reality. I did not dare to connect anymore, to bring people close. I did not dare to be spontaneous, or be thoughtful. I shut down in a way. Those who knew me said I changed. They could not get to me, anymore.

Luckily though I was OK with the knowing he never loved me. I was OK with that. And I did not want him to love me no more. When I love my love comes from a genuine place. But now I saw him for what he was. And I had no love to give. So I just thought what we had had was pathetic and that I could not believe how cheap I had sold myself off, and I took off in the world. I don't think I understood that even if I was finished with him, not in love with him, I had still not processed all the pain from the abuse. And that is kind of hard to do when you don't even dare to talk about it to your own psychiatrist.

He had been no jail-bird, he had a "fine" background, he was intelligent, nice job, lots of people - superficial friendship - and he was always protected, in need of money (despite making good money himself), no questions asked, his first family would provide. I could tell that he had not paid consequences from his actions in the past and during our relationship. To me there was this weird distance in one way but in another the providing. It may sound bad but I sadly suspect that if I had been more materalistic and not had a plan of my own on my future and how to provide for myself, then I could have been more in his claws. And maybe another woman would have thought he really loves me just because he got her something nice, but I knew better.


Again thank you very much for your wise words.

[Antonio94]

Originally Posted by asearcher

Was it, if you like to share, a particular moment after those 2 years, like an epiphany, that released you?

My situation was different from you, frankly speaking, personally I think I was the abuser rather than victim.

It happened about 6 years ago, I fell in love with girl who was relatively the same age as me. We got along quite "well" at first since we both seemingly had deeper sides that we did not want to reveal to the outside. We shared lots of hidden stories that we did not tell to anyone, but then for some reason things turned out for the worst.

Then I sensed that this love caused me lots of pain, then I also noticed that she also had distress when keeping up with this relationship. I did not know why it became this way, was I obsessed with her? Did I make her uncomfortable? I did not know at the time. Later on I finally understood that I was too obsessed with her that I kept disturbing her privacy. At the time I even thought I was the victim when she began to keep distance. I thought she was toying with me, and all kind of other paranoid thoughts. Our relationship was "kinda" end when she studied abroad.

During this time I seek a psychology class (partly because I was interested in the subject, but more importantly because of this relationship). Of course it was still difficult at first, I was stubborn, never once thought that it was my problem, I believed what I did was genuine caring.
But thanksfully the seperation caused me to rethink many times (also I had to thank my colleagues for their advices). And so I gradually realized that the toxic one was not her, it was me.

The problem for me was that I had an extremely low esteem, I was pitiful not because of her, but because of this very foolish belief. What I found in her was a glimpse of purpose, or more precisely, a mean of proving my self-worth. I remembered at the beginning of our relationship, she shared a lot with me and I somewhat understood her (or at least that was what I think). I believed that this was it, this was someone who depended on me. But in truth it was just it. I did not exactly love her, I only wanted her in my life to prove my self-worth. When I sensed that this relationship had problem, I was unconciously desperate. I knew that if she moved on, I would become nothing, I would be "useless" again. This was my greatest fear and I did so many uncomfortable thing to keep relationship.

But eventually our relationship ended after 2 years of struggle. Of course she has moved on, but now I does not hold any grudge or contempt against her. By the end of the days it was my problem to begin. The love that I seek was actually a selfish mean to protect myself. Since then I tried to learn what I lacked mentally and spiritually, finally to improve myself. Only when I truly have faith in myself that I can truly love other person. Because love is not just give and take, it is also about caring and helping the one you love in the earnest. If you are deeply flawed mentally and physically, it's hard to give anything back because you will keep taking to make sure you're safe. But love cannot be one-sided way and soon you will be disappointed until you realize your problem.

To be honest, this is definitely not something to be proud of. But I think it's good to share to learn from my mistakes.

I think it is just wonderful of you to dare to share this with me, us, a vulnerability that too in the end became your strength, and not something you will bring into the next relationship. =)

When a love gets unbalanced I don't think it is unusual that one withdraws and the other one comes after, I've been both the one who comes after, and the one who has withdrawn.

You wanting her back in time to depend on you sounds more to me like you wanted to be close to her, for her to confide in you and for you to feel strong, important as you could help her, so even if that was down to your own low self esteem, it still to me don't sound as bad as what happened between my then luv (not the psychopath, another relationship) and I (but that was because he was putting me down so he could be in charge, it was the "Anything you can do - I can do better" ;) going on with him)

He was the son of a narcissist, and what triggered him in our romantic relationship, especially when things turned for the worse, was that he needed to feel he was still in control. This took all sorts of forms. I was setting new boundries, and that made him feel even more out of control so he stepped up his game and it got worse. It was painful for us both. We did love each other. We loved our family. And I'm the last to say I'm perfect.

I think what you had back then in time in common with my then luv was that he too wanted me to depend on him (but his methods for this was at times hurtful and invading; criticizing was something he would do to have things his way. The home, how I looked or did not look, my weight, anything really. The list was long, LOL. This happened gradually, and if it was things I did not care about I let him have it his way as it was of no importance to me. It was too as if it would move from one area to the next. So if he got my point in one area and promised not to complain no more, instead he began complaining about something else. He was very much emotionally involved in one way when it came to me, and in another a bit cold. He was loosing me, or rather we were loosing each other, and that was bad, real bad.

I guess we simply make ourselves more vulnerable when we love to both what is going on with ourselves from the within, and what is happening on the outside too. Hopefully we learn =)

Before I met this psychopath I had been single for quite a while and before that I had had a serious relationship, despite how it all ended, I knew what it was like to have a stable long lasting serious relationship that had developed in a natural way over time. And for that I am grateful! It might also have been a reason I understood something was seriously wrong in the relationship with the psychopath.

But with the psychopath that was something you could never have, and I think this goes for a lot of narcissists, psychopaths out there. At the time I did not understand what was wrong, and it was miles away from my other experience of what a relationship should be like, like the one I had had before.

The psychopath would start the relationship with 1. Love bombarement 2. Shift between Hot and Cold 3. Then just Cold - Discard period.
This was a cycle, that the psychopath took no blame for.

I even broke up with him once but I have no idea as to why I did that. It must have been something serious, knowing how I was/am, or else I would not have done it. I do remember him saying he took the blame for it but when he had me back he said he didn't and it was a subject he would return to. I think the way he did that frighten me to not leave again, even if I wanted to, and at the same time my self esteem was going worse, less and less the more time that passed.

I'm only speculating here, but I remember this second (and last) chapter of our relationship as I believe it was worse than the first chapter, that maybe that was because I had left him once and he was to keep punishing me for it?

I think I still carried with me a vulnerability from the last relationship I had been in before getting involved with the psychopath, and he had seen that?

Then I guess, but this is too so hard to say because honest to God I don't remember a single date, I'm not writing that in a mood to be revengeful. I don't remember anything from that time, besides one fragment of him telling me he wanted our relationship reclusive, not wanting me to date someone else at the same time we were dating, and asking me if I had done or was doing that. But that's it.

There should have been something like a restaurant, of outdoor activity, or going to the movies - but I have no memories of any of that.

I can remember the first period with my first luv (the one before him) and the one who came after the psychopath, and I can remember dating others as well that did not go nowhere and wasn't serious, but with the psychopath - no, nothing.

I can't remember the moment I fell in love with him, but there must have been, but I can remember it when I fell in love with my first love and again the then luv that came after the psychopath.

I remember extremely short glimpses of memories when I presume that I was in love with the psychopath, in our every day life, and thought he was in love with me and when I thought we were happy.

I would never have thought it was possible for another human being to trash me down the way he did in the speed he did it and that I would end up like such a mess afterwards.

It felt like a "magical" pull - when he was trying to get me back all of a sudden. Him wanting me back surprised me because the last stage of the relationship (I cant say if it was for weeks or months), and it was when he was in his discard-period, which meant he was withdrawing and also treating me badly, he was also someone easily bored.

What I did not understand as to why he was so easily bored as he was but that too is typical of psychopaths to have that easily boredom, why they seek out excitement, they can't find harmony, I have been told that I seem to have this harmony inside me, and when I think of it it is very rare for me to be bored.

The "magical" pull is something that victim of abusers describe which I only read as of lately. It has nothing to do with love. It has to do with that you have given away your own power to someone else for that person to value you. It can go either way. Either way you are in trouble as you have given it away. You have confused love with sacrifice. You get to feel so weak mentally it was - well it was crazy, that is the right for it, as I got to be crazy there for a period before I got back my sleep.

I would say that nobody can help if they don't love someone else, but either way you have a responsibility for how you allow yourself to treat other people, you can't help how they react, what they do, but you yourself has your own responsibility. How he treated me - I have never treated anyone like that.

I think this relationship taught me to see the dark side that can exists in some people, that some people are psychopaths and narcissists, and to trust my gut feeling.

What is sad I guess with narcissists and psychopaths is that one can never reach through in any way. They can never learn from their mistakes. It is not like other people, what ever fault they might have, that go through it, learn from it, they are just the same throughout life, the damage has been done and can't be reversed.

Even if I don't want to go there, what I can say about the psychopath and the luv that came after is that they both had this kind of look or energy about them that they were "strict" and having a humor. I should have realized with the luv that came after that he was not just someone who behaved as if he was in control, but someone who desired control. What is so dumb about the whole thing is that I am not someone like that. I feel safe in the world and with other people without the control. So I guess what I had to figure out is why is that something that I was attracted too? Only with the psychopath's energy - I really did not like him when I first met him, I guess I could tell it was too much of something bad going on with him, while his people and his worked up image could not reveal that, I still felt it. And I should have just kept listening to myself. I must have been weakened at a stage not to do that. With my then luv who came - it was instant attraction for me, I fell hard and he seemed to do so too and we were well balanced like that years ahead, til sadly the need for control and me setting new boundries, once I got what was really going on, collided. So I guess what I want to say is that even if I do not wish to take responsibility for it - I chose both these guys to fall in love with.

What I can say was different from the psychopath and the luv that came after is that they would take out any rivalry fast and they would be to the point of overly-doing the "chase" of me, but that is too how dominant people work, in working places etc, they force their way forward. Some guy who would be "normal" would not "chase" and "focus" on someone like that. I have been shy when I really dig someone that way, and even if I did not realize it then, that made me passive (and even if I did like someone in a romantic way it would be hard for them to guess that, so then things would move along in a much more slow pace). So now at least, I get that =)