Hello to all of you on this twin flame journey!
It has been a number of years since I have posted, probably 3 years. I still believe in twin flames, and despite how hard this road can be, I am grateful for this experience. I am usually private about being a twin flame, but occasionally I will feel compelled to bring it up to a person or friend and it has always been a wonderful experience to share this from the depth of my heart. Moving forward, I hope to connect to more twin flames about this experience. I feel like we are from the movie “Close Encounters of the Third Kind” and have had this other worldly experience, and now we are individually perplexed by this amorphous shape that resonates deep within (seeing it in dreams or our art or mashed potatoes) and together we still haven’t fully figured out what it is all about, so there can still be a lot of suffering and isolation, including doubting our sanity. But I have felt the contact with the worlds beyond, so to speak, and I do have faith. This awakening is happening to us via the twin flame experience (as opposed to sickness or drug addiction or some other crises) for a reason. It is real.
Twin Update: And my twin? How is he? We had the bubble love phase, roller coaster, professing our love, marriages collapsing, then separation. We had been in no contact for quite a long time and not only did we stop emailing or texting, he literally would hang up on me, close the door on my face, not say hello when we passed each other on the side walk with our kids, etc. That was agony for me and I went through my dark night of the soul period. Just pure anguish and pain, feeling as though I had been ripped in half, missing his hugs as a phantom limb. Then I felt there was a “thaw” and he started to say hello or wave to me from his car, or would try to strike up a conversation when we ran into each other and usually I dissociated immediately, as in I couldn’t speak, and I just got away as fast as I could, and could only remember a few moments of the encounter but had a lot of “black outs” and must have just spoken to him on auto-pilot. Then he included me in some group email outreaches and I responded to support his effort and then again, he would go crickets on me. Except then he would hand write me a thank you note and send me a little gift in the mail maybe 6 months later, suggesting I stop by, and when I emailed positively to set it up, more crickets. I felt like we were both taking turns being the little wild animal hanging out in the back yard, getting closer and closer to the door, maybe wanting some food, and then we would quickly scurry off and hide some more as soon as the door really opened. I imagined him as a wood chuck and me as a white ermine, both of which I would see in my back yard, both of which made homes, different years, underneath my shed. So it was mutual and I understood it. Longing and Fear.
Surrender: But I did what they say to do and eventually stumbled into “surrender” mode and did the work on increasing my vibration. I cleaned out my house BIG TIME, I cleaned up my health, I got active and enjoyed my physical self and movement, dancing, nature, cooking and gardening. When he came into my mind I just enjoyed him and thoughts of him. I really worked on the unconditional love part and realized to think of him in love, without pain of his absence, but just to think of him only with love meant I needed to fill the vessel of myself from the ground up and needed to work through this odd sensation of longing. Eventually it happened. I think of him with only love, and I have taken off that heavy backpack of longing that I had been carrying. But this works better in 5D, for when I run into him in 3D life, I’d still jump into flight mode of fear.
Practice Holding My Vibration: So I would practice how to stay present. I wanted to be able to bring the calm I felt in my separation from him, into my random encounters with him. I would walk around my house and imagine a place I might run into him and literally practice what I would say, how I would meet him in the eye, how I could breath to stay in the moment, and what I might say. I knew the barrier that had to be overcome was not verbal. I knew if I could hold his hand, or look him in the eye and smile and take a deep breath with him and help put us both at ease, that this is what was needed. But how would that happen at a gas station or a grocery store? Sure he was honking, waving and saying friendly things, but I couldn’t just go up and hold his hand in the taco aisle. For hearing his voice would always set me off in a panic. Seeing his car pull up next to mine would make me flee. So that happened for a few years.
Twin’s Kid + My Kid: Then our kids ended up in the same extra-curricula activity for a few months. What a small world. They are different ages, different schools, so what are the odds of that happening? Saw my twin in the parking lot and my flight patterns were even worse those two months. Practically made my daughter hop out of a moving car so I could get away fast from the parking lot! But I knew this flight/fear was a spell that could be broken.
Breaking the Spell: And one day he did break the spell. I heard him say my name outside of a building and then I blacked out, but I do remember he walked straight up to me, in front of all these people we sort of knew, and just gave me a hug. I was so proud of him for taking such a big and bold step. I don’t remember what we said but I remember feeling he was even more nervous and awkward than I was and I could feel his heart beating so quickly inside of me. I don’t think I even said good bye, but I think I wandered off in mid conversation with him, and somehow did make it back to my car without collapsing. So the spell was sort of broken. I was still in a daze when around him, but at least I wasn’t running away so quickly.
Telepathy: This grew into him asking me to give his son a ride (not asking me directly, but having his son ask my daughter, hahaha! I would have done the same!). At the final event with our kids, I had maybe 5 or 6 short, awkward chit chat moments with him alone or in a group. When we were alone, at one point I knew he was disassociating while I was talking to him and was so moved to see it happened to him too (oh, gosh, that’s what happens to me all the time, don’t you get it now?!), and so I just smiled at him when I was talking, and knew he came back into focus with my smile and probably wondered how we meandered into that particular conversation. So I summarized what I said when he had checked out, and just felt we were having a higher level connection on top of that chit chat and it was about getting used to each other’s vibration again and feeling the good will. It was doing it in doses, these connections, like titration. Each encounter that evening got better and better. I was hoping there would be an occasion for another hug and spontaneously all these groups of people who barely knew each other started hugging as we said good bye. When it was our turn, he made a point of holding my head in his hands for a moment first and looking into my eyes before he hugged me, as in “this is real” and that moment was overwhelming to me, but I appreciated it, like a moment I could file away for the future when I had my doubts about this twin flame thing, but I wasn’t ready to let it sink in then. The kids’ class was over and I was ready to be out of his sphere for a while, but was so glad we got to that new plateau together. It was a perfect step.
Feeling Him Inside of Me: Eventually, months later, I ran into him in a crowded little store and recognized his car outside and new he’d be inside. It was so strange, but I felt his energy inside of me just take over for a few minutes. Like this macho, confident swagger kicked into me and I opened the door with total confidence. He was getting rung up at the cash register he saw me walk in (I know I was back-lit with the bright sun) and said hello and called my name warmly. Without saying a word, I just dodged past all the people, walked straight up to him and gave him a big long hug, in the middle of his transaction, and these words came out “I just want you to have REALLY GOOD day.” And I felt the surge of energy carry me onward to the back of the store without waiting for a reply and when he followed me there, I turned around, smiled and nodded walked out of the store because I knew it was the action that counted and I wasn’t ready to talk yet. I felt so pumped up for showing him my love and I felt the strong connection to him as he hugged me back. No hesitation at all in the hug, it was still the talking that was the hang up. As I drove off, he caught my eye and smiled and nodded in the parking lot and he looked so uplifted, confident, and grateful, that it felt as if his 5D spirit inside of me took over to make this happen, because perhaps that was just the message he needed to receive that day.
4D and 5D Contact: The following weeks I had intense dreams of him and did some automatic writing, but before I could analyze my dream and reread it in my journal, I had to run on an errand, and I ran into him again but was totally not ready to see him. He did an adorable double take of me, then approached me with a wonderful bounce in his step to talk. But try as I might, I fled again. But by now I could do auto writing and felt as though I was communicating back and forth with his 5D self and that was amazing and I knew he understood my actions and got a kick out of my maiden-like fear (and liked my outfit, haha). I realized that when he looked into my eyes a while ago the “this is real” I felt through his eyes was in fact telepathy. He started coming back to me in my dreams, still in a transitional space where we both were both holding ourselves back somewhat but we were showing up, and I knew the connection and the desire were real in these dreams. I just knew the time wasn’t right, and we had to clear out whatever was holding each of us back. Then I prayed that I could just stop running unto him for the rest of the spring, maybe the summer, perhaps even until fall. I told his 5D self to leave me alone for a while. I knew I wasn’t ready to have a real conversation but I also knew the spell was broken if we could just hug first before we spoke, and I knew we had carved out a new landing space between us.
COVID and Twin: And then after praying for some distance from him, COVID hit big time. My wish was granted. I was given a space of freedom to work on my stuff some more, knowing I wouldn’t have the likelihood of running into him. And during these months, I have hardly seen him at all. Just drive and recognize his car passing by me occasionally and feel my heart beat, or drive into a parking lot and he happens to be there, outside of his car, staring straight at me as if he knew I was about to arrive, and I find a way to exit my car as if I don’t see him, vanishing quickly, like the little ermine running under my shed. Last time I saw him face to face, he was the one with the scared wild animal energy and he tried to get away quickly after making sure “you all are ok?” with COVID, and I gave him a big smile because I know how that feels to need to bolt. The poor guy felt like he was in a bad way, his energy felt really frazzled, but I know he will work it out on his own and I don’t even worry about him or what is going on. I know he will get there and I think my grounded energy may have helped him that day. I recall seeing him in a photo years ago looking healthy and that helped kick start my own journey to better health and fitness, so I think these little encounters or moments of contact trigger us to hit the next level we must reach in our own healing.
And now our kids are friends, even though they never have hung out at each other’s houses, but they text and call each other randomly and frequently. Of course! This is the magical mystery twin tour, after all! My daughter thinks of my twin’s son as a little brother, “but it is different, I don’t know, it is a special connection,” she told me recently, and he was the first person to “show up” for her surprise birthday zoom party and was there waiting for the call to start ten minutes before I even signed on. She has even described elements of, what I now know to be, the twin flame connection, asking if I have ever experienced something like that with anyone and when I said yes, she said “who?” And I wasn’t ready to tell her, so I pretended it was with someone else. But when the time is right, I know my twin and I have a way to come into contact again.
Spiritual Work and Life Work: Yes, I still believe in this journey. I have been actively pursing a spiritual practice and that helps. I still haven’t finalized my divorce, though my husband and I have been amicably separated for 5 or so years. I still need to jump start my career again. But I have lost like 50 pounds and am biking and swimming and paddle boarding and cooking amazing food, and camping and being a great mom to my teen and a great friend to my pals. I’ve started gardening and found a way to co-exist with the wood chuck under my shed who eats the Swiss chard and pansies. I set up a few wire fences as boundaries but let him chomp on some of the stuff. My health scores like VO2 Max and Resting Heart Rate etc suggest I have the health of someone twenty years younger than my current age - woo hoo! I truly feel this fullness and wholeness inside that had been dominated by an emptiness and longing for my twin. And I know I am doing this for me/for us, but not to impress him, if that makes sense. So yes, you all can get to the point of loving your twin so deeply and beautifully without feeling pain, and this love becomes the most powerful force in your life and makes you a sort of light to others. When you learn to love yourself as much as you love your twin, you end up connected to the full force of the cosmos, and this only helps with collective healing.
Flipping the Magnet: I know my twin has been seeing someone since he divorced. (We were never physically involved but both said we loved each other years ago, when neither of us was free to start something). I think we would both need to be truly free, in terms of no karmic partners etc, for this to ever happen. I believe in it still. And in the future, I realize that if I could find a way to say, “hey, do me a favor, can we just take three deep breaths together before we speak?” when I run into him again, I know that would help calm me down. So maybe if one of us initiates the hug, the trick is to breath afterwards, in order to stop the running. Or maybe I will just naturally be ready at that point. In fact I feel like I will just know when we are at that level through my dreams, through reading his energy remotely along with mine, or, most likely, we will just know when we are face to face and the magnetic force that has been flipped to repel one another, will finally attract us. Enough barriers will be cleared for union.
But outside of thoughts of my twin or thoughts of being in a 3D relationship with him, this journey is bigger than that. For me it has been about melting the boundaries and having glimpses into a non-dualistic wholeness. It has taught me that loving without expectation and without conditions is meant to feel so good and right, and now in my daily life, when I am faced with a decision on how to act, this phrase always guides me: “what would love do?” And I feel the invisible hand of my twin, which embodies the whole force of love within the cosmos, guiding me along. I know I am on the right path and I sense it is a path of much more ahead with others twins like you.
I hope to connect with more of you! And thank you for reading my update.
Linear Mode
