Parents need to grow up as well!

[DoctorStrange]

This may sounds like a strange statement, but here goes.

Far too often we see children telling their parents, "i'm not a kid anymore, or stop treating me like a child."

Now, i'm not a parent, but i might be in future, so i don't have the experience of having children.

However, being a child of two wonderful parents, i have to say that my mother still treats me (in front of other people as well) like i am a 10 year old. Yet she never "grows up" or grows out of this "behaviour'

I think parents have a time to treat their children as children, and then a time comes that they need to "grow up" and treat their children as adults. I know i will take this into account when i have children.

Thoughts ?

[DoctorStrange]

I wouldn't like my children one day to say stop treating me like a child, when i've gone through the same thing with a parent, and afterall i know when it's time to be a child, and when it's time to be an adult.

[Albalida]

Some people get quite attached to a particular identity. "If I'm not a student, what am I?" "If I'm not the breadwinner of the family, what am I?" "If my children don't need me to parent them anymore, what am I?"

Perhaps your mother doesn't even suspect that you're particularly unhappy by being infantilized... but perhaps she would be particularly unhappy if she found out that she had to change and let you fly the coop even in small ways.

[AstraeaLunaAvani]

I totally agree. I'm going to be 41 years old soon and my dad still treats me like a child. I have been independent my whole life, taking care of myself, you know, being an ADULT, and he still tells me to "behave", still questions everything I do, wants to know where I am, who i'm with, why i'm doing whatever I'm doing, asking me if I know what i'm doing (regarding situations where I'm performing a task or something important). It has caused a lot of strain and i've even considered cutting all ties with him.

Let's look at it from the parents point of view....
I'm a mother,a grandmother and a great grand mother!

Through 3 generations,I hear these complaints from younger folks.

When we reach my age which is 79 years old We see the problems in life that can beset a young girl or a young man and by golly,there can be some problems.....

If I was go into those problems,I would be here all day long....
Take the advice of an old 'girl' and listen to 'grandmother'......Proxy that is!

Good luck to all you young ones,enjoy your lives and remember the good times when you are older...
Love and from Granny Deepsea....

This is just my opinion, but it seems like she's not necessarily trying to be patronizing to you. It seems more like she tends to forget that you aren't her baby anymore. I'm sure that's something a lot of parents forget from time to time. Try to cut her some slack.

I have always thought the same thing about my Mom, she has the best of intentions, but sometimes I want (& have) to scream I'm 30 years old! Then I hear my 8 year old saying "I'm not a little kid anymore!" & I have to blink & clear my head, because he's not a little kid anymore, but to me he will always be my newborn baby who needs me & a toddler who wants his boo's kissed. I'll always be the first girl he asked to marry at the ripe old age of 3, & the best egg maker in the whole world. I am living both sides of this story, but it's not so cut & dry. Cut your mom some slack, even though your an adult, you'll always be her baby.

[AstraeaLunaAvani]

Originally Posted by Fibromom

I have always thought the same thing about my Mom, she has the best of intentions, but sometimes I want (& have) to scream I'm 30 years old! Then I hear my 8 year old saying "I'm not a little kid anymore!" & I have to blink & clear my head, because he's not a little kid anymore, but to me he will always be my newborn baby who needs me & a toddler who wants his boo's kissed. I'll always be the first girl he asked to marry at the ripe old age of 3, & the best egg maker in the whole world. I am living both sides of this story, but it's not so cut & dry. Cut your mom some slack, even though your an adult, you'll always be her baby.

There is a huge difference between an 8 year old and a 30 year old though. If someone is legally an adult (18) especially if they are married, have kids of their own, or even just live independently on their own, it should be pretty obvious they dont need parenting anymore.

[Celera]

When you are truly secure in your adult independence, in my experience, it becomes possible to ignore minor incidents of this sort of echo-parenting. If your parents tell you to drive safely, or ask if you understand how the oven works, this may be just an old habit of watching over you. It's quite possible that your parents would say things like this and yet have a perfectly appropriate and respectful image of you as a capable grownup.

If your parents nag or pressure you about things that are no longer their proper concern, like where you are going or who your friends are, then I recommend calmly advising them that you don't want to discuss it right now, and redirect the conversation -- as you might do with any other adult who asks you things you don't care to talk about.
If you do respond by shouting at them, then you are just acting like a teenager and reinforcing the old pattern.

Of course sometimes parents really do have a lack of confidence or respect towards adult children and that can be a big problem. But I recommend trying to view this behavior as a sort of charming/annoying old habit, and respond to it in an indulgent, affectionate, mature manner, and see if this doesn't help the behavior to diminish to the point that it's not a real issue.

[DoctorStrange]

Originally Posted by Celera

When you are truly secure in your adult independence, in my experience, it becomes possible to ignore minor incidents of this sort of echo-parenting. If your parents tell you to drive safely, or ask if you understand how the oven works, this may be just an old habit of watching over you. It's quite possible that your parents would say things like this and yet have a perfectly appropriate and respectful image of you as a capable grownup.

If your parents nag or pressure you about things that are no longer their proper concern, like where you are going or who your friends are, then I recommend calmly advising them that you don't want to discuss it right now, and redirect the conversation -- as you might do with any other adult who asks you things you don't care to talk about.
If you do respond by shouting at them, then you are just acting like a teenager and reinforcing the old pattern.

Of course sometimes parents really do have a lack of confidence or respect towards adult children and that can be a big problem. But I recommend trying to view this behavior as a sort of charming/annoying old habit, and respond to it in an indulgent, affectionate, mature manner, and see if this doesn't help the behavior to diminish to the point that it's not a real issue.

Wow. Great advice Celera. Thank you.