The ups and downs of my marriage - an entity causing abuse?

[LoveWater]

Sometimes, on the rare occasion, I am amazed that I've stayed with my husband given how cruel he was and has been in the past.

RIGHT after we were married, in the midst of a heated fight he would say cruel things like "no wonder you've never been married!!!" and "you're CRAZY" and "you're unstable!"

He would say such things in response to me confronting him on 1) yelling at me 2) being abusive and 3) turning everything around on me so that I was wrong and he was right.

He used to be IMPOSSIBLE.

And at this exact time last year, I was planning on leaving him. I sat with my sister having drinks right around my birthday and was telling her about the abuse. I was planning my exit.....

And now? It's an entirely different story and an entirely different relationship.

A part of me wonders if it's just a false act he's putting on right now to appease me and to keep me from leaving him. A part of me wonders if the abuse will come back again and rear it's ugly head.

But it's been several months of practically smooth sailing - practically.

Those ugly words he said to me in the past don't really haunt me anymore. He's apologized for the cruel things he has said to me.

But really, it's like a day and night difference.

We shall see what happens. I am just glad and relieved that this year, during COVID, I am not planning my exit strategy. I have no job right now and no savings in order to leave him. It's a bad situation for me, IF I ever had to leave him.

[LoveWater]

Originally Posted by asearcher

Hi, if he has been able to change like that for several months i would say he has and is changing for the better on the inside, that it is not just an act, but I understand if you hold your breath.

I notice when I would start to have fall outs with my guy that he did not stick to the subject, something I automatically do, and went on to the classic to call me by not so nice names etc and also shifting subject. I later learned this way of fighting was how someone in his family fights. I on the other hand have been blessed, I now realize looking back, to have a mom who in turn came from a family that they could discuss anything, difficult or light subject, even when drinking without having a fall out. They had all learned the ability to actually discuss things. And because i saw this, grew up with this, I still have it in my backbone, so to say. I have sadly watched and too been dragged into his family's so called discussions to me putting an end to it and frankly asking why someone feel such a strong necessary need to be so unpleasant and making every discussion unpleasant. So yeah, I know very well where it is coming from. I am no saint, but i realize just like my mom, that when i discuss I don't have the strong need to step all over another human being for having a different angle of things.

What is not to my beneficiary though is that if and when I get hurt, real hurt, I tend to get stuck and can't really push myself or be pushed to get to the next level, step. I can't find the words (I who other times have no difficulty to speak...), I just sink right into it like quick sand or something. That is no good and something I need to work on, it is frankly frightening as i feel real blue and this can last for some time, real long time, and I don't quite heal the way I ought to. It has made me cut off communication with the one who has hurt me, and it can be experienced as frightening to this other as they have later said they felt they had lost me and did not know what to do. It is not that I get sulky or irritated. When it happens it feels as if it is out of my control.

Something I did not learn from home is the ability to forgive. So this is something I am trying to teach myself.

Thank you! I AM waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak, but so far he's shown so much improvement, it does give me a lot of encouragement. I am just thankful that this year on my birthday, I am not considering divorce!!!!

You have to ask yourself at some point: what is it that is positive that you're getting out of the relationship? Do the negatives outweigh the positives?

I went through lists of positives and negatives. Our compatibilities and our incompatibilities.

There are other issues that would also make me wonder if I should leave my husband: he is not physically capable of any activities except maybe dancing and walking here and there, but not long distance walking. He has NUMEROUS injuries and pains that prevent him from doing much. I wasn't fully aware of all of this until just close to our wedding. When we first started dating, he did not tell me about all his injuries. They came out later.

And he's financially irresponsible, I learned over time. We have different views on finances.

And he's a total slob. I am picking up after him ALL the time.

That being said, I DO love him - very much so. We have a great time together, we love the same music and share a few similar passions. We have similar values and lifestyles and we're both very loyal partners.

So, you have to weigh the good against the bad. If you're not married, if there's so much that is negative, why bother?

[LoveWater]

What is a soulmate anyways? My Guides tell me we ARE soulmates, but I've met soulmates in the past, and we don't have an intense connection like I've felt before with true soulmates.

Yes, we love each other very much and we do have chemistry. However, I care much more so about how I am treated. And I expect respect, caring, sensitivity and consideration. If I am not getting the respect and loving caring I deserve, I will leave. I have low tolerance for disrespect and a low tolerance for anything less than what I deserve. We all deserve to be happy and truly loved.

I personally would not be able to handle 2-3 days of someone being in a "mood", especially if this involved taking it out on me.

[LoveWater]

Originally Posted by asearcher

Hi, I agree with everything you write.

However, with me I always have to consider if I am too sensitive for my own good or if it is normal. For instance, I have reacted long before - weeks - with feeling something was up, negativity, but nobody thought it was coming, less was, and then not as serious as it would later get, and it was only later I was asked how I could have known that. I have sensed when someone is not doing so good, is depressed, and I was shocked to learn nobody else noticed this, and the individual in question was shocked that I even noticed, so overall I seem to be sensitive to energies, which I guess is not normal to that degree.

I have told him I get tummy ache when he is like that and he says I never should get that, he agrees he was irritated then but claims he is not anymore, but I can still feel he is - and so then i wonder if i am experiencing the aftermath or the little that is left of his irritation in him - or what...?
It isn't easy. He has said in the past that I am so sensitive, and that's true.

He too wishes to improve himself and work on the relationship, and we do. we too have great times together and same humor and many other things in common so it is not as dark as it may seem like when i come out here to complain but just as those things are real and great, so is the things we need to work on, negative.

Thank you for giving me your input on things, I appreciate it :)

It seems you may be an Empath? Able to read others' emotions? That doesn't mean you are TOO sensitive - it means you have a GIFT!

We all have to have boundaries and limits to what is acceptable and unacceptable to us within a relationship. When someone crosses our boundaries and disrespects us or when someone's behavior is bothersome and seems unacceptable, then it is unacceptable.

It's important to know your boundaries and limits - if you do not, then someone is able to walk all over you and is able to disrespect you. I am not saying that's what's happening with your relationship. I am talking more generally speaking.

And if something does not feel GOOD or sit RIGHT with you? It's NOT. That's how you know.

[LoveWater]

Originally Posted by asearcher

Hi thank you for explaining. i hear what you say and you're right, again, ha ha. i am practising on becoming more assertive in conflict.

after he is done with his irritation-phase he is always very loving and so on but i guess he takes longer time than i do to get pass something because i do feel and can just look at him to know he is still irritated, yet he still wish to sit up and watch television with me in the evening while i have just had enough of the bad energy and feel i need to go to bed early. that is what always surprises me - if someone is irritated by someone else why then still want to be around that other person, it make no sense. i just think we should stay away from each other then.

people always seem to let themselves completely go around me, they can go into my work station, office, and be angry about something else and just completly explode and then say it feels so good to let it all out and that i am a good listener, and then come back and say they are sorry that i should not think it is me - it is just that they feel they can confide in me. What surprises me is that people in a pressuring situation think i am the one most calm and focused one and surprised later that i too took it bad, this despite every emotion usually seen in my face. someone also says my god don't you ever just get freaking angry? but whilst the person angry is loading it off i am searching for explaination and trying to find solutions, i am listening, very much so, but if someone is showing anger - i do not automatically get angry too. i jump in when i think someone is pushing someone else down, and try to either interupt, end the fight or to dignify both, i can say, stop it, you are going too far. i tend to stay with the subject of "discussion" and not go to personal attack, even if I am too angry with someone, i don't wish to step on their dignity. it hurts me when i see someone hurt, so much that it take over my own emotions. i've had a good friend call me on the phone, angry - not at me - and people listening, close by, think for sure she is upset with me. overall people say they like it around me because i help make them relax somehow and they feel good around me, i wish this was the case with my guy though like all the time, but one can't have everything, ha ha

[LoveWater]

Originally Posted by asearcher

i am practising on becoming more assertive in conflict.

I just spoke with one of my oldest and best girlfriends about this today. About being more assertive in conflict.

I shy away from conflict and in fact, I freeze up and cannot say anything back. Like when my boss tried to claim that a success of mine was not MY success, I froze and couldn't say anything in reply. I need to learn - especially at work - how to be more assertive with people who are being a-holes.

With my husband, I have no problem being assertive. But at work? I have trouble.

[LoveWater]

You can be assertive and set boundaries and limits without losing your partner. You just have to be firm:

"that is not acceptable behavior or treatment towards me"
"I do not appreciate that kind of comment"
"that behavior is not ok with me"
"please don't do that. It offends me"

These are the kinds of things I've said to my husband.

[LoveWater]

It’s hard for me to read through a lot of text - I only read part way through.- do you think he’s abusive?

[LoveWater]

Originally Posted by asearcher

This why I was interested to know if being irritated for long (2-3 days) was a behavior your husband has too, despite the fight being over with and one has apologized? I can't help but feel as if it is a continues feeling of being a hostage of some kind. I rather not play that game and so I cut off.

Recently when this happened I tried something else. I began to talk back how he talk to me and he was surprised and was like what did I ever do to you? I said to him I speak to you the way you speak to me. enough already. We had a fight. I apologized. It is over. You can't keep talking to me like that. It is like he uses those 2-3 days to be superior or something.

When i talk back to him like he did me - something happened. So I am hoping he is realizing what he is doing if i am to mirror him?

His narcissist parent has attacked me. This for standing up.

I have told him if this is to be continued - that I won't stay in his family, that we then have to split - because I will not tolerate that kind of behavior towards me from now on from his narcissist-parent.

I will especially not tolerate it if i see it turn against a child, there will be no more next-generation-victims of the narcissist-grand-parent, as far as I am concern.

My husband used to give the cold shoulder and the silent treatment after a fight - to make ME responsible and guilty for the fight. That IS abusive behavior and IS a part of the abuser's repertoire of abuse tactics.

I used to speak to him just as rudely and as mean as he spoke to me. It would only just escalate things and make things worse.

Nothing worked UNTIL I told him I was divorcing him BECAUSE he is abusive. And I was planning on it! I had already called several lawyers. I had my family and friends behind me and everything.

I don't know what you can do except for to tell him you will NOT tolerate these behaviors and that you WILL leave him if they continue. Then make an exit plan.

The silent treatment for several days after a fight is unacceptable. Once apologies are made, that should be the end of it. Period. And both people should be apologizing for a fight - it takes TWO people to fight.

Me and my husband don't even fight anymore. That's all done with and in the past, as far as I can tell. I think the real threat of me leaving scared him into submission, lol. I am still waiting for him to revert back to the old behaviors.

[LoveWater]

Originally Posted by asearcher

well, very good your husband understood the seriousness in it :) my guy does not give me the silence treatment although I understand if i gave you that perception. But he is irritated for like 2-3 days after a fight and after we have sort it out - or so i thought - and after i have apologized. still like he goes around pretending he is not - when he is.

when i started having past life memories as a young girl of an ex husband i realized after many flashbacks etc that he work the same way, he would be irritated and pretend he wasn't and then explode sooner or later, and it was only after his explosions he felt guilt and would then turn into an angel for some time and then it would built up again.

It is interesting because i suspect he was a stickler, and so is my man in this life. wonder why one goes for the same kind of energy,really. opposites attract, perhaps? maybe meant as a lesson? from the pics i have seen of him and the home it does look like i remembered it and by that i would say he was a stickler too.

the bad thing about a stickler is that one can not quite relax at home because there is always something that need fixing and the stickler make everyone else feel not good enough. being normal messy and cleany is in my opinion the way to go, but he will get - again irritated - because of it while i honestly could not care less. i don't find it important.

he comes from a stickler environment back home and i do not, i think we were just normal.

we otherwise have a good relationship and i do not think he consider this so much a problem as i do, but still i will talk to him about it and hope we can both change our behaviors when arguing, fighting, sometimes one fall into a bad habit and then think that this is normal and not as harmful, while it really is. one has to cherish the love and remember why one has chosen one another to begin with.

again thank you so much for making me see things clear

The bottom line is:

Do you feel respected at all times?
Do you feel cared for at all times?
Do you feel loved at all times?
Do you feel he is attentive to your needs, at least most of the time?

If these aspects are not present in the relationship, it's time to say bye bye.

I would personally not be able to tolerate someone being irritable for several days at a time. Arguments need to be resolved quickly and not linger. A truly healthy relationship does not involve people being irritated like that after an argument for several days. A healthy relationship involves respectful disagreements and quick resolutions to those disagreements.

Your relationship does not sound very healthy to me, based on what you write. But everyone has different tolerance levels.