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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Love & Relationships -Friends and Family

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  #1  
Old 17-05-2020, 07:13 PM
Clio_86 Clio_86 is offline
Guide
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Toronto
Posts: 661
 
A Covid-19 Nightmare...

I just wanted to share this story, now that I have had some time to reflect and am also in a good place. I still feel a bit confused and am a bit shocked at what happened. ***I am now living alone in a beautiful apartment and am doing well.

I am currently in Europe and have been here since January. I rented a room from a man who I lived with last summer. We got along great and made quick friends. Last summer he also introduced me to one of his friends who I dated for a few months. My friend was really excited that I was coming back and saved me a room for January. I arrived in Europe and we went on a group trip with friends to Romania my first weekend back and we had 2.5 great months hanging out with our friends and being social. Then Corona hit our country and we had to self-isolate and work from home.

We lived in a three bedroom apartment. Before corona, we had another roommate, a female who I became fast-friends with. We were inseparable but she left mid-February to pursue a short term job in the USA. She is a musician. She was supposed to come back once the job finished. So once we had to self-isolate, it was just me and my male roommate in our apartment. Things were ok at first.

After awhile, my male roommate started saying very passive aggressive comments towards me about how I don't cook or am not a good cook. We were both working from home and before this, I always bought my own food and made my own meals. But since he was working from home, I felt like he began expecting that I cook for him. It got to the point where I put a vegetarian burger in the oven for lunch and went to my bedroom to work until it was ready. My roommate came and banged on my door and shouted "Thats enough food for me but what will you eat!" This bothered me so I told him very nicely that I am not into cooking, I like eating my own food which is often expensive and vegetarian and I would not be cooking for him in the future. He was good about this and started to leave me alone about this issue.

Then I started going out in the evenings for walks just to get out of the house. My roommate started sleeping on the couch every night. One day I jokingly asked him "are you sleeping on the couch again tonight?" and he replied "yes, because everytime I sleep in my room you sneak off into the night." I laughed but this is when I started to feel a bit suffocated by him. At this point, he was working from home in the living room, sitting on the couch all night and sleeping on the couch. Anytime I cooked or showered, I would see him because he was in the living room. This was frustrating, but we were social isolating so I just let it go.

One of our mutual friends is going through a divorce and came to stay in the third bedroom. I was so relieved to have another person in the apartment. By this point, my main roommate was saying sexually suggestive things to me. Literally every time I would go shower, he would say with a smile "make sure you close the door." I would laugh because I am non-confrontational and also just wanted to keep the peace but I felt gross each time. I always got dressed in the bathroom after showering too and obviously always closed and locked the door. He also asked me to watch movies with him and once in awhile I'd agree. He would choose very sexual movies that made me feel a bit uncomfortable. One night he sat beside me and looked at my Facebook with me (he doesn't have social media accounts). He looked at my pictures where I used to have different coloured hair and he told me he wished he met me back then (before he was married although he is now separated).

Once our new roommate moved in, we hung out and had wine then went to the park behind our house just to smoke cigarettes and have some freedom. The next day our main roommate put the room online for rent and set up an appointment for a showing without telling us until right before it was supposed to happen. The appointment was cancelled by the potential renter. This is also when our main roommate started going to bed each night with his bedroom door wide open. Both me and the other male are nighthawks... so this bothered us. Then one day I had cooked and left some leftovers on the counter and they disappeared. My main roommate asked me about it and told me some of his groceries also disappeared. I thought this was strange but I didn't see my new roommate as a food stealer. Throughout the rest of the time I lived there, I hung out with my new roommate about once per week outside of the apartment. Each time the main roommate would try to kick him out.

In the country I'm in, we were allowed from the beginning to go for walks as long as it was in groups of two only or with your family/household members. I would meet about three various friends on separate occasions to go for walks. One night I went to hang out with one of these friends and I came home late. The next morning my main roommate questioned me about whether I slept over there, what time I got home, etc. He started doing this anytime I went anywhere. One of my small group of three people included my ex-bf and we went for a walk one Sunday morning and I came home around 12 pm. When I got home, my main roommate glared at me, hung out in the kitchen when I made lunch and then again at dinner, both times not speaking to me just being near me making me feel uncomfortable. I told him the day before I was going for a walk with my ex-bf. I went to eat my dinner on the balcony and came inside and he purposely stood in my way and I had to awkwardly walk around him. It is easy to think that this could be due to him frowning on my social activities during a pandemic, but he invited all his friends over all the time.

Yet at the same time, my main roommate was so paranoid about leaving the house. He would sit in the living room all day and night and would only leave to go to the super market once per week. I told him he needed to get some sun and exercise, both me and the other roommate were walking regularly just to maintain our sanity (and we walked separately). My main roommate refused. One night I even caught him just sitting in the dark on the couch. Directly facing my bedroom, not watching tv. Just sitting there. By this point, his questioning and constantly watching me was making me feel very uncomfortable.

Then things started to get a bit more weird. One night my other roommate was gone and my main roommate put on some strange movie that was all lesbian sex scenes. I was making dinner while he sat there watching this. Then I was walking to my bedroom one afternoon and he physically grabbed me from behind with his arms around my arms and chest. I laughed it off and said "what are you doing?!" and just went to my room. He started commenting about me and my ex bf's relationship and talking about casual sex. My ex-bf came over one day to pick me up and he said to him mid-conversation "if she gets scared she can come sleep in my bed."

After a month and a half, I became very depressed. I felt like his eyes were always on me. I couldn't deal with the questioning or rude behaviour if I went for walks. I felt like I couldn't hang out with my other roommate, because anytime I did, he was threatened to be kicked out. I started shutting myself in my bedroom and wouldn't even cook food in the kitchen. I would cry at night and talk to my family and friends in North America.

Then one day I woke up early and went to the kitchen. My roommate saw me and when I came out of the kitchen he was sitting in his underwear just staring at me. This seems not too strange, but he is from a more conservative culture (not European or North American) and I had never even seen him wear shorts before. The look on his face made me feel sick. I decided then and there that I could not stay in that apartment. My mental and emotional well-being was going downhill fast. I went online and made three appointments to find a new place to live. Not an easy feat in the city where I live... but I got the first apartment I looked at and within two days I moved out. Also, the morning I was cleaning my room, my main roommate came to my end of the apartment with just a towel around his waste. The shower was on the opposite side of the apartment.

I gave up half a months rent to get out. I was respectful, cleaned my room, washed my sheets, cleaned the small bathroom near my room. When I left, my main roommate was sleeping so I sent him a text message saying I was moving and needed my own space. Some people have suggested that I should have given him some warning, but I honestly did not feel safe. My mom told me not to tell him until I was leaving and to make sure another person was there. I also did not have a contract as I was supposed to leave sometime in April. I have only been in Europe longer due to COVID-19. However, I forgot two important keys on the keychain and he proceeded to give me a hard time with it. My ex-bf (his friend) messaged him to hang out and he went and got the keys. He was very nice and diplomatic but when he was leaving, my main roommate started asking if he had helped me find a new apartment, who helped me, if he had visited me yet, where I lived as he only knew the general area, etc. My ex-bf didn't say anything and got my keys for me. I then blocked this man from my phone.

Before I asked my ex-bf for help, I told the other roommate I forgot my keys. He told me to ask the main roommate for them and then he would hold them for me. I did this, and the main roommate freaked out on him and threatened to kick him out. He was so stressed, he got mad at me for this and said he didn't want to be involved. Now two weeks have passed and my roommate friend apologized to me and said he was scared of being kicked out and we shouldn't be fighting over the actions of one idiot. I forgave him and understood because I saw how he was always being threatened. I am also happy to report he found his own new apartment close to me.

Anyways, the apartment I found is only a little bit more money than I was already paying. The apartment itself is absolutely beautiful and in a cool area. It took me about a week to de-stress and I've been spending a lot of time alone. I am much happier now and more productive.

I guess I wanted to write this post because the man who was tormenting me and my other friend, is usually a really nice guy. I told a few mutual friends what was happening and they were supportive, but they couldn't believe what was happening because he is usually so level-headed. Even my ex-bf, who used to live in my old room for six months, didn't know the extent of the situation. I would hang out with him and just tried to maintain a positive attitude. I told him about the things that were bothering me, but when he was withholding my keys and refused to give them back unless I met with him in person, I called my ex-bf crying and told him everything in detail. He said he was sorry that he didn't understand the situation and he was sorry he didn't take the situation more seriously.

This man was not a romantic partner to me in any sense. He was a friend and roommate. The possessiveness and controlling behaviour he inflicted on me was shocking to not only me but also our mutual friends. He also psychologically abused our other roommate. I wanted to write this post because I've been in my own apartment for two weeks and I am still confused and shocked over how someone I trusted and thought was a friend could turn so dark. I also wanted to write this post because I feel like some of our mutual friends didn't believe my situation was that bad. They knew him as a friend/roommate and had never seen him act in these ways.

After some reflection, I definitely see how he had developed a crush on me or something and became possessive. I have never really had friends that I know of who have experienced domestic abuse, but I now know to never undermine what anyone tells me even if I think I know someone. I also think another lesson is that I need to stand my ground and put people in their place when they cross my personal boundaries. This is harder for me because I am usually quiet and easy-going.

Lastly, my old female roommate that lived with us was supportive, but she made comments a few times about how she hoped this would not ruin our friendship. She plans to move back to Europe as soon as the borders open. I have never said anything about her choosing sides. I fully support her moving back into the apartment. My ex-bf is also still friends with my former main roommate. I am not possessive nor vindictive. But I feel a bit of sadness because once I chose to move out, my old female roommate has started talking to me less. When I told her the other roommate found a new place to live, her main concern was that our tormentor was all alone and she felt sorry for him. I understand she is empathetic and sees he is experiencing some mental health issues, but the situation sucks in general.
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  #2  
Old 18-05-2020, 03:10 PM
Lorelyen
Posts: n/a
 
Honestly?

I think it's about this lockdown and people forced to stay together in their homes for protracted periods. A mix of many things - boredom, lack of socialising, worries about finance and jobs - gets people on edge. If their relationships aren't well-established (like they're basically two / three people who get on ok but are merely living under the same roof) deeper aspects of their natures start to creep out when shut indoors. They discover others' traits, vulnerable to disdain and dislike as well as sometimes positive things, like they collaborate about household admin and get on well. Must be terrible if their main living is in the same room. I can't think I'd cope with that at all.

Certainly in the UK even married couples are having trouble. Domestic abuse is on the increase; schools are closed so parents who can work from home are forced to keep their kids under control and educate them and (I'm told) kids are far more frustrated being unable to go out to play with their mates than adults. Tensions build up, tempers fray, relationships are truly put to the test.

So while your story is regrettable and must have caused you quite some anxiety it's hopefully over now and you can just regain peace and as much happiness as this covid thing allows.

People are as they are and one never really gets to "know" them - like I mean, measure their traits against our own preferences and needs - or them, us, until confined with them for a time. I smile ruefully when I read the twin flame section where a couple have been bowled over by romance, absolutely Mr and Miss Right, they believe, have wonderful holidays and dates....then comes the crunch and they report anguish, hurt and disappointment. If there's the making of a relationship there and it takes off - great! But often it sinks into routine, expectations unfulfilled, arguments start.

Sounds like this guy was building up a natural sexual charge. Can't be helped. It's part of the male physiology and bound to happen with no immediate outlet (although they can relieve themselves if it gets too much). Again it can happen with women at certain times of their ovulation cycle.

So all in all, good that you're free of it and your anxieties will calm hopefully soon. Once this wretched lockdown is over things, hopefully, will regain some kind of normality among friends.

Keep well and happy. Observe the precautions.


pax tecum
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  #3  
Old 30-05-2020, 04:20 PM
Rachella Rachella is offline
Knower
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 187
 
Hi Clio, the lockdown may have brought out the worst in most of us, but I get the impression that this man's issues started way earlier than Covid19.
If anything, the virus may have quickened what already existed in potential. For example, I discovered that one of my flatmates is a liar and an "actress"; I saw that 2 months ago, at the beginning of the lockdown, after one and half year of sharing with her. Before being isolated with her, I never suspected she was one to tell stories that never happened.

I am so sorry that you had to witness your main flatmate's sexual hints and attitude. A guy who's watching a porn movie when I am cooking, or tells me "close the door" when I am going to shower, has already gone too far.
I appreciate that you were trying not to make too much noise out of it, being the guy a friend and also a respected person in you circle of acquaintances. I also see how the other friends may not have realised how bad things were, but please consider that domestic abuse is perpetrated in many cases by people beyond any suspect. It's only at home, when you share a home that is, that people show their true colours.

It also sounds like your ex main flatmate has an ingrained and submissive idea about women. It seems that literally he went from interacting with you fully clothed to removing one garment each time until he appeared to you naked. This was not normal and not respectful of boundaries.
I have lived with a lot of guys, sometimes I have seen them naked (I remember once that I woke up for work one hour later and I walked in the bathroom where one was showering, it was so funny but we were like siblings ) anyhow, anyone who lives with other people has the right to live in peace in an environment that's not sexually suggestive.

Well done for listening to your guts and finding a new home. About the girl who told you she "hopes" to keep the friendship with you... she's an idiot. Sorry for passing this judgement but she sounds such.

If you allow me, I remember you from another post where you were talking about another nightmare living situation with a friend who was supposed to house sit while you were abroad. I am myself a person who often gets involved (without realising) with verbally abusive or way too demanding people. My sister tells me it's easy to trigger my sense of guilt and people use this to their own benefit. After many years I recognise that the keyword is BOUNDARIES. When in the outside world people invade your boundaries too often, it's because you haven't identified those limits within yourself. I hope it makes sense. I wish you the best
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  #4  
Old 20-06-2020, 10:21 PM
linen53 linen53 is offline
Master
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 14,332
 
Clio, it is not okay for someone to abuse you in that manner, no matter what the situation. There is no excuse for his behavior. If he has mental issues he needs to get professional help. Covid is no excuse.

You learned some very valuable lessons from this situation. You listed them. Setting and maintaining personal boundaries and now when someone tells you of an acquaintance showing a dark side, you believe them. Very valuable lessons.

And while going through this horrific scene you were not 'physically' harmed. Maybe mentally and emotionally bullied but physically you were able to run away from him if you had to.

We, as women, have been taught to be passive. Don't make waves. Doubt yourself when faced with an aggressive person. What could I have done differently? Did I cause that?

Clearly I can see red flags all over your post (from him not you). Try standing in front of a full length mirror and practice setting boundaries. Think up a scenario and verbally act out scene how you want to tell them to back away. It will feel very uncomfortable at first. Maybe buy a book on how to set and maintain boundaries. And read it. Since we are not taught to defend ourselves we have to learn it. I am not pointing the finger at your parents. We all do it. But it's situations like yours that you realize your need to be aggressive in such situations aggressiveness needs to be strengthened.

I'm sure your mom was frantic when you told her what was happening. Having her baby so far away and her unable to protect you must have given her sleepless nights.
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  #5  
Old 26-08-2020, 07:46 PM
LillianSimpson31vB7 LillianSimpson31vB7 is offline
Newbie ;)
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 20
 
Thanks for sharing these stories, guys. I hope this may not happen with somebody for real ever now
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