How do you get past all the bad words said to you?

To me they are like this song you can not get out of your head or the whispers of it in the back of your head.

I have this especially so with my husband. Before he had a temper and he would "rant" after a period into our fight. He would say one thing after another, just pure insults about me. I would usually be able to see then that he was too upset with me and try not to register it too much. He would then soon after remove himself from me (like leaving the car or the home. This often after he had gotten physical in some way, like hitting something or throwing something, not at me BTW).

Then he would return, when he felt ready. He would later claim he did not remember what he had said and what ever it was he had not meant it and he would apologize. It was difficult to then talk it through as he again claimed he did not remember and that it did not matter.

He would tell me to not listen to him if and when he got like that next time, but once he was back in that mood it was again him following me around or not letting me go and forcing me to listen to every insult, if I would try to interrupt it would make no difference, and I would always have difficulty getting a word in, would always be interrupted, before he again would take off. I would never see him like that with no body else. It was me who was this huge trigger for him. Apparently I could irritate the hell out of him. He claimed he would not be like this with his ex and from what I have heard that is true, he had no temper then, and not to the rest of his family, not at work, and certainly not in the role of parenting. Just me. Or us.

He can be someone very direct and he can lash out, just say it like it is, and then when he would see I got hurt by it he would switch from the lash out to him trying to apologize. His sudden lash out would at times come so sudden I had no preparation for it. It can be that way too with one of his parents, not at me then, thankfully, that has never happened, anyways all of a sudden it go from nothing to everything in a split second, you can not tell the in between stages of the built up. Other times I could tell it was building up. He would try to keep it inside, til no longer possible. To me it could be over the tinniest thing, which also seem to set his parent off, and I did not believe it was really over that, but something else causing it, but I would butt out. When a child would react the same way he would not be triggered by it, but show empathy, understanding and at most would say "Don't yell like that, calm down, it's alright". So 3 generations of this. Even his parent would not lash out to a grandchild, like there is this boundary there. I think for sure it is down to anxiety, the whole lash out.

Anyways, how do you get pass it? The times it has truly hurt is when I have had no preparation for it. These words linger on. One of the things he has lashed out to me about in the past was about my weight, (edited).

When it comes to other things that would happen, go wrong between us, he would have detailed memory of it.

[Tukaram]

I did many years of meditation and self repair (probably should have done therapy?). The physical abuse was easier to overcome than some of the verbal and emotional abuse - the scars run deeper.

I had to try and get in the heads of others and see their side of it. Not to excuse them, but to understand them. When I realized they were hurting and lashing out in their own pain, I was able to let go. Not sure if it was a forgiveness, or just let go and move on. Same thing, I guess. Forgiveness is more for ourselves than for others anyway.

But I would probably not be able to move on emotionally if the abuse was still ongoing.

[Redchic12]

Yes I like your comments Tukaram, and agree with them.

Many many years ago I talked this over with a lovely Buddhist monk and this is the little story that he told me:

What does a fire do. A fire burns. That is its basic nature. So the only thing you can do is to get out of its way.

He was referring to people who treat us badly. THAT is their basic nature. They are going to burn you. So the only thing we can do, is to stop making excuses for them and just get out of their way.

Yes, I also agree that they are full of pain and after all, we can only give out what we have inside and we know that, that is why they act the way they do.

This little story really helped me many times in my life.

Thank you both so much Tukaram and Redchic12. So sorry that happened to you Tukaram. Yes I agree I believe so too that the verbal, emotional abuse stick more.

About the weight I have tried to understand my husband. That he came from this weight-obsessed work out family. Fear of diseases. Was raised to be perfect. Had "perfectionism" in the family. Has autism, and some apparently develop this "perfectionism". I would say I noticed it got bad when the family expanded, there was more stress involved and i began to work, so changes then that required more of him. He had to do everything "just so", push himself, while I followed behind wondering why, were we on boot camp or something? What was going to happen to us if we forgot a plate of dish or postpone it til, lord behold, the next day? Were we going to get our heads chopped off?

I think on one hand, as this was not one of my triggers, me being calm about it was helpful to him but on the other hand irritating as well as I was clearly not on his team. He has said he has never felt as relaxed in his life as he felt with me and I would honestly ask this is your relax?!

I do not think I was that easy to control. But I do think because I was a sort of a live and let live kind of gal, there were lots of things he could get through his way that I did not even react on, because to me it made no difference if it was his way or another way, so I went with his way then.

I do not think he ever got trouble at work because he was used to giving orders and nobody questioning, also big brother, so there was not that much of "I beg to differ"-attitude coming from nobody. He would even say so before that he found me "very easy to live with". No wonder. Then there were areas that I did care about and would stand my ground, and he would back off on those.

Each and every time, and I wish I was kidding, we were seeing his parents there was talk about weight and appearance and illnesses. I would warn again and again about how it was talked about and remove any child from there as it seemed the ones talking about it did not listen to me. Then I had to face innocent kids asking me in private and showing off their tummies with a worried face expression if I thought they were "fat". They did not go to their grandparents or parents that I know off about this. There was no integrity and no sensitivity on how this was discussed. I would tell my husband I did not like how this was discussed and I did not think it was for children's ears, and this was not something I could support.

I would even show and write out from internet the recommendations there was to get a reality-check, and show him.

I would notice it was especially the females of the family that were the primary target of this sort of mental abuse, this took some time for me to discover. I think it is that someone in the family hates women, are threaten by them. Want them weak. Do not want them educated. Do not want them to have good jobs or money. Do not want them to be happy in their own bodies and give that confidence. Wanted all women who became part of this family to know who was in charge, and how it is accepted, no wait, encouraged to treat the women in the family. I could not tell that the women becoming part of the family that way was treated like that by their partners, though, but we were by this particular parent. This sort of mental abuse had somehow passed my husband by. I have horrible examples. One is that pushing and pressuring a pregnant woman, part of the family, to go and exercise to the point that she was about to give labor or do something else that risked her and the baby's health. It was too much nonsense.

I use to be resilient to it, but it irritated me that my husband would not say anything, but to his defense most of the things said to me by his woman-hating parent was done when he was not in the room.

I come from an environment where I grew up with lots of boys, the majority of it, and had male father figures and I have to say that not one of them was some woman-hating individual. This was completely new to me. What I do have from my own upbringing is a boyish kind of humor, but that's it, and that's my very own, can't help it, I love it, and at times I have to keep it down, gotta behave, but there is never any pushing down females in it. One of the first thing I discovered with my husband was that he had my sense of humor, and he would even outdo me, we've had many smiles, giggles, laughs, over it (and other people thinking what is wrong with them? I am sure. So we had that humor - and there was an excitement between us).

I saw that the way diet and working out was being abused to weaken the women the most, but also the men, the boys in the family but in a different way and my husband was a great example of that. As I became a mom myself I wanted no part of that and most assuredly no child around that.

Anyways this was his life style. I think too when he was working out it was his way of self regulating that energy he had, it was as if he had always an extra boost of energy that I did not have.

I know now with the autism he wanted me as involved with what he was doing. He was also fearful that i was having less and less energy due to everything. i think he meant well in one way as from his view of looking at my body i was not as healthy or strong, o rin his eyes frankly as good looking as he thought I ought to be.

It has triggered everything in me. Like how I think he should have a new woman or his ex and the two of them running at the gym into the sun set but wait they will never get there, they will just keep on running and not understanding what is really wrong with them and it ain't their bodies.

He got me back by getting help and me seeing a change in him.

A part of me is still damaged by the insults.

I am afraid that if and when he touches my body he will in secret think oh she is not worked out on that area or think in secret that i am not good enough, or beautiful or pretty enough. He completely single handled destroyed our love life.

I still hear it. I wear clothes to cover up myself with him around. I do not particurly enjoy like I did before him reaching out for me, holding me.

He has said himself that there was no excuse on how he expressed himself back then and that it came out the wrong way, and that he was wrong but I do not know if that is truly true with him, or if he says that just because he still wants me and he says he loves me. He has never wanted the split up.

He would by himself sit a child down and talk to the child (I did not learn of this til later) and say what he said to mummy before was wrong and to please not be mad at mummy (over the split up) because this was his fault.

Thing is without him close by I am completely relax and happy in my own body, the way I was before his comments even got to me or his sick parent's comments. They finally got to me. they finally broke me. And I feel vulnerable exposing myself to the same man who once did this to me. I do not want to eat when he is around as he would before look at me and comment, either way, for me to eat less or eat more. I'm struggling. At times it feels like what ever was wrong with him before has now left him but has jumped over to me instead. He is free of it - and I am stuck with it. Marvelous. He has told me he was not at all feeling well, mentally, back then and was afraid to loose me, one way or the other, and he saw I had gained weight which he thought couldn't be right. To his defense he never once during our relationship ever made me feel as if he did not have attraction for me. That was one of the things he pointed out to me when trying to win me back, that who use to reject who in the bedroom exactly? But that he understood that I would be tired and so on, but for me to please not go there, and not think like that. That he was so stressed out back then. I am afraid if he goes on another of his crazy diets he will get that irritated with me again and speak to me like that again. But today he seem to a larger degree more calm. He do not have the bad temper no more. He does not get fixated like before. He has stood up to the parent that I think before had a hold on him to be perfect. This why I could see him fiddling about before we were to visit this parent as he wanted himself to look perfect, and his wife (me) as well, and was afraid if I would stick out in any way, clothes or weight or what ever. It was time for that very late rebellion to take place. Finally he did it.

He is not allowed in any way to be part of my work out or what I eat or what I do not eat. We can do some sport together as a couple, as a family, and that I am fine with. I just wished he could have backed then kept it at that level instead of going overboard.

He will comment these says that he thinks i am beautiful and at events tell me he thinks I am the hottest one there and he's so proud of me, which is sort of exaggerating. He tries. Before he would say nothing, and if something always something negative. He would forget I was even invited, or so it felt.

On a rational level I know better. I have seen woman fighting anorexia, me going to her work wondering will she be here today? Will she be found in her bed dead? Is the hospital finally taking her in? And both the relief and the horror of then seeing her. She is better but there are still days when I see her running pass me and she looks like she is about to collapse any minute.

great example with the burning bush, will think of it :)

[lostsoul13]

Temper temper…. My twin flame use to say..

My temper was over the long winded reincarnation- acting out because I knew I couldn’t endure the pain the pain would endure me.. it put conflict upon us.. it’s a wrecking ball.. I’d throw stuff also but not at her or would nearly miss her- I felt emasculated or my masculinity had been taken away from reincarnation, not only would we loss each other( years would go by until we were ready to reunite) I’d have to suffer, she would suffer- the children would suffer!! I couldn’t wrap my head around it.. it was awful..

I felt like my strength had been taken away from me I was the feeble thing.. no matter how I tried to understand that reincarnation happened to all of us I still felt victimised by it. Insulted and angry..

I knew it would take knowing about my deaths through reincarnation- but I couldn’t prepare as much as I tried!!

I felt inflated. It had taken everything from me- only to give it back with at another hand.

It was the cause of many arguments.. I just couldn’t express my self.. express these things…

I didn’t say anything bad at her just ranting about it, and how we are going to loss one another- it was starting me in the face, eyes… it was a straight line between now and the future.. and I was right: she got taken away by it.. and the children.. they just disappeared.. some through the sandwich theory..

I had been presented with my destiny and fate, endowed so early on.. the silver lining were great in the future, teleportation, jumping,rich, healing, I couldn’t see the silver lining then-

Yes I would have some time to get to know the self- I was just this soul that had been born and I was rearing to get into a body.. and learn and I to no surprise wanted magic.. magic happened a few times but I realised I was living in a tight constraint.. where by magic was no longer..

I just would live for a few years, then die.

And my death is really painful.. no about of years- going well, relaxing, money, would be enough for how painful it is- I know it’s a lesson we all go through and much of the time we don’t acknowledge it until it happens, but it acknowledged me with my family & clan so I can’t help feel bitter towards it’ resentment and anger..

I feel bliss knowing I have these gifts..

But the sorrow is overwhelming..

You work most your life to keep food and house over your head then thanked by a painful death…

I have had alot of bad words said to me..... I have come to just ignore them.....

I am a very loving soul....I kinda wish everyone was like that.......

[Redchic12]

Yep I feel the same Dude

[Miss Hepburn]

21 years ago a doctor looking at my X-rays after an accident, said something to me.
In my mind I said the words, ''Ah... that is not true in any way or form...
I reject what you just said...nope, uh-uh."

I know there are a lot of negatives in there, but that was my instantaneous inner sentence -
cancelling out what he said, and fast.
I have never had a problem with what he diagnosed, naturally.

I do not ignore stupid words (ever). I have an internal sentence with myself 'countering'
or cancelling out what they just said. And so far so good after decades using this technique.

And, I'm good enough and smart enough, and doggone it, people like me....as Stuart Smalley would say.
Don't know him from the USA's Saturday Night Live?...google a youtube for a laugh. :)

[Native spirit]

I never got on with my mother i was blamed for everything .
my sister had a baby she and the baby slept in the same room as i did.
every time she cried my mother came in, and sat on my bed i told her to get of as she was sitting on my legs.
I was told to shut up or get out my sister would sleep through it.
I was called all sorts of names by both my parents because I see spirit
I was told i was thick dreaming and i needed to see a psychiatrist,
Words can be very hurtful.
The thing i used to do was to turn my back on them.


Namaste

[kris]

"How do you get past all the bad words said to you?"

I don't think there are shortcuts to dealing with every challenge life throws at us. There is no pill for this! I think the universe expects us to grow and mature, perhaps each in our own way, to surmount such challenges. It seems to me one option is to come up with an understanding of why people sting us with their words and then develop a strategy to make peace with the stings received if we wish to stay in the situation. I think it is a losing battle to try to change another person. We can only change ourselves and even that is not easy.