He told me we girls tend to fall in love with guys we don't even know ;)

Originally Posted by Kiran

Found out he is a bit socially awkward and insecure. Tendency of Asperger as well, so I don't blame him, it's just his way of being.

I have Aspergers, so I can speak to this a bit. From my experience, the social awkwardness can come from extreme empathy, NOT a lack of empathy. I feel what others feel to a much greater extent than anyone else I know. I also don't respond much to being emotionally manipulated, which means it's easy for me to be perceived as unemotional.

Originally Posted by Kiran

Now, to the cause of trouble, so to call: I think I like him more than I should.

There are no "shoulds" in love. Proceed with love, not fear.

Originally Posted by Kiran

I have no idea how Marc feels about me. I mean, I know he LIKES me. We invest a lot of time every day in chatting. He has seen photos of me and said I looked pretty, even "hot" on some pics. He built me up when I was in a low mood. He sends huggie bears and wishes me a good night and sweet dreams. He TRUSTS me, else we wouldn't ever have spoken with such intimacy. But he never proposed meeting in person, and I'm afraid to scare him off if I do.

Seriously caring/loving someone... especially someone you don't know very well can bring up all of the latent fears inside you. It can be an extremely difficult, but rewarding experience.

It seems like the problem that you're having is that you want to define this relationship on "typical" terms of "just friends" or "lover". IMO this method is fatally flawed. These ideas are spectrums, not yes/no answers. You love each other whether you want to admit it or not, the question for you both now is to understand what that really means. Love is not necessarily about romance/sex/marriage, but it can be there.

Originally Posted by Kiran

I mean, what do I do? I have until very lately felt like I've lost the love of my life, and he has no clue what love really is. How is this going to work?

Talk with your heart, it will know what to do.

Originally Posted by Kiran

But what to do? I don't want to go too fast and scare him, or be rejected. But if I wait for him to ask, I just might wait forever.

These concerns are fear based, and will suffocate any chance of love.

Originally Posted by Nada

Very good perception, Kiran.
Yes, I am currently divorcing a man with Asperger syndrome. Since he was diagnosed with this neurological disability early last year, I had been intensely researching about it, as well as attending a support group for wives of Aspergers, going through therapies, and joining online support groups.

Your guy sounds very much like a typical Asperger man, based on his expressions and self descriptions. You may want to look up this condition.
Although they are highly intelligent and seemingly innocent (due to lack of executive functions and normal social perceptions), it is extremely unsatisfying (emotionally and sexually) and stressful situation for the neuro-typical females in a long committed relationship.

Due to their abnormal frontal cortex, they often struggle with determining right from wrong and they have a problem with boundaries. This has caused many problems and conflicts in my marriage.
They can never be a provider and their wives become their caretakers. 80%+ of their marriages fail even when they are diagnosed and when both partners are aware of their conditions.

Most importantly, they lack empathy. I can detect his lack of empathy from what you wrote about him.
He called you chubby. Neuro typical normal men would never tell a woman that she is chubby because they 'empathetically' know that kind of words would hurt the woman.

Asperger can not be treated and it is NOT psychological or emotional condition. Although it has those side effects, it is a neurological disability with an abnormal frontal cortex of brain.

They can never deeply love and bond emotionally with another person. Even they love another person 100% of their capacity, it is like 30-50% of normal person's ability to love and to bond.

However, they can be a good friend and an occasional date in a detached and casual relationship. - that you do not have any other expectations, except as a playmate. With teenager like exuberants, they can be fun to just hang-out with.

I just want others to learn from my mistakes.
Although I do not think that my marriage to my ex was a mistake since I learned so much from him. We helped each other with our lessons.
So, it was meant to be and I have no-regrets. I still care for and love him.
I just can not be his wife anymore. But he will be in my life.

If being with your guy is your destiny and your lesson, so be it. Just go with the flow but with your eyes wide open.

Sorry, but you don't really know Aspergers.

Difficulty with right/wrong - yes, because those are arbitrary.

Lack of empathy - NO. This is a misperception. There is an overextended empathy that we will commonly try to shut down because it is very intense.

Calling someone chubby does not hurt someone unless they allow it. If it is told as truth with no malice, this is perfect. Saying the truth when it would be unwelcomed is a major positive, not a negative.

Can't love? Now that's just ridiculous. I'm sorry you had a bad experience, but your lack of understanding isn't truth here.

I'm sorry if my comments are coming across as a little harsh, but you are slandering a large group of people because you've had a bad experience. This is not far from how racism works. Most people I know with Aspergers don't want to publicize it because there are many negative stereotypes about them.

Originally Posted by twinkle

Maybe this one guy I knew in the past had Aspergers. He told me he thought he might have Autism. Since he communicated freely about everything with me, I told him he could not have Autism. However, he would put down your looks if he was thinking something negative at the time. If I got offended by something he said, he would tell me that I was sensitive. He also came across as a racist because he did not seem to have filters. One time I was with him when a potential employer called him for a reference. I could not believe how unprofessional he talked on the phone. He actually told the employer I needed to get the job so I could get away from my abusive parents and went on some about my parents. The thing is he was unaware he was saying all the wrong things. He could not understand why I was upset after that phone call. I never put him down on application as a reference again. Be careful what you say to someone with Aspergers!

Although it seemed like this guy liked to communicate since he freely talked about everything, he really hated communication. He said that he preferred action, but not talk. He said he never wanted to get married because he would have to communicate on a regular basis.

Yep.. He probably has it.
I had many incidents similar to your experience in my marriage.
That is good that he at least knows why he should not get married.
Communications are usually very one sided conversation (about them) and superficial, as you posted on your other post about your friend.

[twinkle]

To clarify the issue with empathy, he would rather not feel. He gets frustrated when he has to feel. He does what he can to avoid feeling. It is as cold as him not seeming to care about his mother since he is waiting for her die so he can inherit her money. Although he says he loves her and does things to show care for her, I do not think this could be real love...hoping his mother dies soon so he can inherit her money to do what he wants in life. This is what made me realize if he is unable to truly love his mother, then how could he possibly care about me or anyone. This is just my experience with a possible Aspie. He might just have more severe case.

Originally Posted by twinkle

To clarify the issue with empathy, he would rather not feel. He gets frustrated when he has to feel. He does what he can to avoid feeling. It is as cold as him not seeming to care about his mother since he is waiting for her die so he can inherit her money. Although he says he loves her and does things to show care for her, I do not think this could be real love...hoping his mother dies soon so he can inherit her money to do what he wants in life. This is what made me realize if he is unable to truly love his mother, then how could he possibly care about me or anyone. This is just my experience with a possible Aspie. He might just have more severe case.

Yes, this makes sense from my understanding. If he's feeling more than most people, it would be a common reaction to want to feel less. Especially if those feelings are unwelcomed "negative" emotions like anger.

Emotions are a very tricky thing, and can be very confusing when there are both positive and negative emotions at the same time.

Men in general as also expected to not have emotions, let alone negative ones... so it can be very difficult for a guy to be over sensitive in this area.

Empathy is about feeling what someone else feels. If you are angry, an empathic person feels that anger themself. They may not be able to distunguish this emotion as originating from someone else, which is difficult. I went through this myself for quite a long time, and still do to some extent.

[twinkle]

I would not call him an emphatic. He represses emotion instead of feels it. It is like he is dead inside.

You are a strong, wonderful Soul Nada,

I have a girlfriend whom married a husband with Aspergers and in whom have two children as teenagers; she is one of the most Loving, selfless and most giving Woman (in addition to highly talented) I have met; and here I have come across another in you Nada,

May God continue to Bless you Nada,

Love and best wishes

As in every condition (and the majority of us have something) there are not only varying degrees of the condition; there are different traits of conditions including Aspergers and Bipolar; have had my Children's Great Uncles with the conditions on my ex-husband's side; therefore both of you (Klairic and Nada are correct) based upon your own long term experiences and knowledge within yourselves,

Love and best wishes

Klairic I am sure Nada knows not to think or make sweeping generalised statements about people with Aspergers when she has loved and been married to a Man whom has had this condition.

Love and best wishes to you

Originally Posted by StaroftheSea

Klairic I am sure Nada knows not to think or make sweeping generalised statements about people with Aspergers when she has loved and been married to a Man whom has had this condition.

Love and best wishes to you

Thanks STaroftheSea.

I still love and care for my ex. Love alone is not enough in a committed life partnership, as I wrote in my previous posting.

Since most people are not familiar with Asperger syndrome, I just wanted to share the consequences of being in a serious relationship with a man with Aspergers. Because I suffered through it during the early years in my marriage due to the lack of knowledge about this disability.

There are some wives of Aspergers who stay married to their Aspie husbands and I met those ladies at the support meetings.

In addition, one of my therapies who actually diagnosed my ex's Asperger condition is married to an Asperger man herself. Hence the reason why she was such an expert on Asperger.

This therapist actually had almost one year of sessions with my ex. She strongly recommended that I leave the marriage by starting with separation in the same home.
She told me that her Asperger husband is a gentle being who also is in a healing profession and apparently is very aware of himself. They have been married for several decades and have children together.

She stated that there are broad spectrum of the syndrome. And my ex's conditions were seriously damaging to my own well being so she did not recommend me to stay in my marriage.

Those ladies at the support groups shared their stories and here are the main reasons why some of them decide to stay in their marriages:
1. Religion - yes, some ladies still believe that marriage is sacred and divorce is against their religious belief. They will never leave.
2. Financial - some have been married to their husbands for several decades and they are at their retirement ages or close to it. They are financially tied to their husbands. They admit that they can not leave at this point in their lives. But they highly encouraged me to leave since I am still young enough and not financially tied to my ex.

Nobody is perfect. We all have our imperfections.
A relationship works when those imperfections are compatible with your partner's imperfections.