Shame as a key to discovering Personal Strengths

[RedEmbers]

Some well known speakers on the topic of shame, discuss how revealing and questioning personal feelings of shame, opens the doors to understanding personal strengths.
I am writing here today to explore with other members, their experiences of how/what uncovering and nurturing personal strengths may have looked like.


Often the aspects which people shame about others, are areas which they themselves feel jealous of or have not felt safe to own within themselves. For example; a child may be a very, naturally gifted singer who gets torn down by unhelpful others who cannot see or own their own gift and desire to actualise being a talented singer themselves.

There are MANY things which we may get shamed for, which makes it difficult to see ourselves effectively, it also denies the universe in a larger way, of an opportunity for expansion.

Once revealing shame within self, there is an opportunity to reacquaint with those personal strengths and to "come into one's own"...
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This is what I have been exploring lately, given my age and stage of life development and my desire to self actualise into my own best and unique, authentic self. The risk which goes along with this desire, of course, is understanding that not everyone will agree and some may even believe that it is WRONG haha...
I'd be making others uncomfortable and I'd need to personally become very accepting of the discomfort which can accompany the growth to self actualise.

The rewards are plenty,
one of my own personal rewards is the feeling of me living in alignment with my own soul I am sure that this would be a relatable sentiment!

[Unseeking Seeker]

I could not understand ~ is someone shames us, means if someone bullies us, unless we have no choice, why would we trauma bond?

It depends upon our response to injury of course. Can we remain equanimous at all times, forgiving the transgressor?

[RedEmbers]

Hi Unseeking Seeker,


No, as i understood the excercise (through psychology)... when working with one's inner shame, the injury of shame can sometimes offer insights into where personal strengths lie.


As an example, I was often shamed as a child, one area which comes up alot for me is I was often shamed for being too hyperactive, exuberant except that the language the buiiles used were words such as "annoying" or "too loud"... or other phrases which are inappropriate for this forum.
It worked to get me to dim my light because the regular shame made me feel inferior.

Often, people who have alot of shame did not recieve alot of positive mirroring or positve validation as young people which is why this is why this excercise can be helpful;

When working through the shame points, one excercise to help people is to find positive associations and change the language around the personality traits they have been shamed for.

So, I can say to myself, I am an energetic and passionate person who loves to share what I learn with others. This language is aligned to my inner values as well, an important aspect of overcoming shame.
This breaks the inner dialogue of calling myself annoying and the shame feelings of taking up too much space.

I was often shamed for asking too many questions and some adults and teachers told me that I was defiant or disruptive, now that I understand shame a little better, I can reframe these words as being A curious and inquisitive person who is excited to contribute to conversations. to create positive associations for myself and to then see the gifts I possess as something valuable, as strengths.


It is not about trying to fawn to bullies, rather to change the language and associations developed in the inner dialogue as a result of being chronically shamed.

[RedEmbers]

One of my main purposes for this thread was to recognise that for those who did not experience effective mirroring by others as kids, it can be very challenging to A). Recognise natural strengths and then B). develop inner natural strengths and gifts

I was curious about other ways to discover and develop these areas as an adult and what may have worked for others and thought maybe others had some experience

Another excercise mentioned asking other people to talk and give feedback about their observations or personal strengths but I have found that option to be quite confronting as asking for help has often been quite frought and conditional throughout my life experiences.

Asking others for input about personal strengths in this way would be a good option for people who feel they have trusting relationships.

[RedEmbers]

One of the longer term benefits of this excercise is to recognise personal strengths, which in time lends itself to recognising where those strengths are valued and appreciated (first through inner appreciation) and then being able to recognise and move towards people and places where those strengths are valued, moving towards healthier relationships, which helps promote self esteem.

This would be a moving away from trauma bonding.

[FallingLeaves]

well, there is a use for being ashamed I think. Beyond just trying to get away from it...

a lot of the feelings people say are 'bad' are that way, in my opinion.

Running away from such things just on the say so of what is commonly believed by others who aren't me is like running away from the beautiful 'secrets of god' and continuing to do things he finds foolish. Not that it is in any way 'fun' to live without happiness and laughter and the feeling of having good intentions from others, but still... at least I can feel like god actually knows what he is doing and can do it in a consistent manner, unlike everyone else who just seem to be blown around in the wind and then they claim all sorts of high-faluting things about how good they are for doing what they have done and what they are doing, as if they were actually responsible for something rather than having the actuality of just coasting along with wind and waves...

there is a beauty in the desert too.

I don't have much use for strength, as it only attracts others to come fight with me. And I am so tired of constantly having to fight with all comers. I'd so much rather be pliable any more.

But, I do have a use for trying to learn more about what I'm doing wrong lol...

That is my opinion anyway...

[Starman]

In my opinion a person has to have a conscience to feel shame. Whether we feel shame or not depends on our moral compass, and morality often comes from the culture we live in, or how we were raised.

There are people who have no shame at all, and others do not develop shame until much later in life when they may feel bad about things they did in the past. People who shame others may fall in this category.

But can a person really shame us or are we ashamed because we feel embarrassed by what others said or did? Embarrassment can coincide with shame. Sorting out feelings is a worthy endeavor that can help us grow.

[Catsquotl]

I think Shame ca be either a powerful a tool for self exploration as well as a very dangerous one. As a Topic shame is bigger than just one thing and is often intrinsically linked with how we perceive ourselves and subsequently how we value ourselves. Which is where it comes into the dangerous territory. Aside it is often very closely related to how the people directly around us either accept or reject us, which is often more difficult to establish clarity of boundaries because these people are linked to our needs. Whether we want them or not in that position.

And then there is the whole shaming others to "awaken" their growth which seems to cross the thresholds into cultism and public mass hypnotisation.
Take the whole covid vaccination scheme for example, or the BLM movement and how many people felt shamed into keeping their opinions to themselves.

I like your last sentence Starman. That is where lies the key to using shame as a tool for growth. But the realization your question brings doesn't often come easy.

[RedEmbers]

I have understood guilt to be the word which describes an action which is misaligned with a personal value.

Shame is more a deeply rooted feeling of inadequacy and feeling undervalued as a result of the particular social/cultural system not valuing a specific trait.

One is directive - if my personal value is kindness and I lash out and say something I feel is unkind to one of my valued relationships, guilt gets me to take action to repair that situation and relationship.

Shame is moreso a deeply rooted state of being and feeling as a result of a specific trait not only being unvalued but also actively turned against oneself...


From how I've read and understood things anyway :-)

Guilt says "my action was wrong" and Shame says " I am wrong".

[RedEmbers]

Originally Posted by Starman

In my opinion a person has to have a conscience to feel shame
But can a person really shame us or are we ashamed because we feel embarrassed by what others said or did? Embarrassment can coincide with shame. Sorting out feelings is a worthy endeavor that can help us grow.

I dunno why but your comment about people having a conscience made me smile....it made me think of something unrelated to this thread yet useful.

Shame is typically described as a state of being because it is so entrenched. Shame is telling a person that they are wrong for whatever they have they have been shamed for.
It typically causes a person to try and disown a part of themselves which as this part has caused them ridicule and rejection in their social group.
Any trait can be a source of shame.
One example I remember from school is where the teacher would divide the class into people with brown eyes and people with any other colour besides brown and then put one group into an authoritarian position over the other.

It was to show the kids how division and separation and bullying effects people but the whole activity was based on shaming people for the colour of their eyes. This is how shame differs from embarrassment as shame is making YOU wrong for something which is inherent to you.