The fight with the self..

[lostsoul13]

In all honesty, if I seek to the calm side of me I don’t feel as though I’m that devastated for death and coping with the way I’m going to die, in fact I’m comforted by it- the fact the body can perish but the soul remain unscathed…

It gives me more purpose in the immortality of the inner self, the true self-

I know eventually my soul will manifest a perfect body one with the qualities of immortality- it’s just about getting there and the hardships of doing time. Death over and over again until I produce something that isn’t at conflict..

I know much of that appearance of conflict and confusion or the confrontational (body can become dust) is to do with my mental, spiritual and creative sides being in conflict…

There’s so much I want. So much I want to achieve- but seeing the goal and getting there(which I have with so much stuff I’ve envisioned) it almost flat lines.. like all that urgency and desire wasn’t there with me after achieving it..

I know this is about letting go of desire’s because as much as they are there to spur us on they can lead us to falsehood..

It’s probably selfish of me to embark on new desires as much as I’m grateful I can imagine and envision…

At times this is a good thing to set goals even getting in shape or health habits…

My death seems to repeat and represents pain and turmoil…

So many times in my soul’s immortality have my body’s been reduced to ash..

I struggle with the patience of death knowing we all go through it… but I try on this failure to ignite patience with death and reincarnation.. and with my self that I will let go of these constraints and proceed to find peace with the conflict that keeps apparently playing out…

I mean at the end of 5000 reincarnations if I don’t lose my centre by then I would be a changed focused person who had minimalist approach..

I was in my zen.

But I have to decide my own goal or meaning of life.. I can’t just die for nothing, pain for no structure in my overall lifetime..

But what meaning of eating.. even vegan..
lucky chocolate is delicious

My impact to the world and the self- my success with my clan and family..

To have these goals that reflect peace..

I know it’s going to take a long time to achieve this peaceful living inside and out.. because I make mistakes.. but I want to learn from them- and when I give In because of the convenience I would Try harder..
I know when I find balance it will reflect it in my death it’s just my karma even if it came from a rouge thought…

I did this to the self. I’m the only one to blame: imo i could DO SOMETHING about it- get my self out of pain but we pain because we need/want to pain- I’m a firm believer if we wanted to we could be living the utopian life but we agreed somehow for these life lessons..
I’m coming to terms with that-

Everyday I struggle with making the right choice knowing my death is 100% in front of me.. I might not be able to lessen the pain the next 20 times but if I start now I could in 50 times.

The separation or illusion that we can’t live in peace and suffer death without pain or live a life without pain, which I’m sure we are all working towards..