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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Love & Relationships -Friends and Family

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  #21  
Old 18-02-2021, 04:12 PM
Sethra Sethra is offline
Seeker
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 37
 
Who's talking in another language? Funny I didn't speak in another language, I gave a definition to a word non-english based. However Aristotle told us that if there is not a word in the english language to describe what we are trying to describe, to make one up. I haven't posted since I was I told not to post using my life's experiences and I believe the ignorance of Aristotles teachings is horribly Sad. I felt Judged in a place where we are supposed to be free to communicate about this kind of stuff.
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  #22  
Old 22-02-2021, 08:55 AM
tabane27 tabane27 is offline
Experiencer
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 393
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by asearcher
Tabane27, I remember when I first read your words on this. I was choked up. I could not write anything that I thought would be enough. My heart really goes out to you and what a true survivor you have been and are. I think perhaps now is the time as you say you go backwards when you are in a more safe place to do so. Have you been seeing a therapeut to help you go through the steps to heal? If you haven't it is something I would recommend. If we have not moved on from any previous relationships we take it with us in the next. If or not you are in a relationship right now you need to heal apart from that.

I don't think it is remotely possible to understand if one has not been experiencing it how quickly it goes when a person that you were involved with broke down your spirit. The mental control/mental abuse is insane.

I can only speak of one experience where mental abuse was really his key word. In the beginning I was strong, independent, knew what was best for me. I would say even superior as he was more into me than me him, but then something changed. Along the way manipulated in a way that today surprises me it could even happen that way. I had a stress reaction in the end and that is what saved me, it was when I saw a doctor to help give me pills to sleep for the first time in my life that the truth unraveled, and this was me still in it, him still waiting to pull me back in, and I knew then this was a battle for life, for I would be dead anyhow spiritually if I returned. I was offered help. I asked if I was confused, but I was not and I wasn't stupid either, even just to find out did an IQ test later and found out that no, of course, I wasn't stupid and I hadn't imagined things.

This was all a surreal experience to have because I never thought I would be that weak, it was like I did not know what happened. I could not process it while in it. It was perfect on the surface but threatening underneith and there was no physical abuse taking place, that is not if looking at us from the outside world, still it was able to happen.

What happened to me was so small in compared to what you have been through. It was seen to the outside world that I was very fortunate, that I was happy, only those close to me who knew me well knew something terrible was happening to me but I had no words. I was confused in a way that I just had no words for what was going on, I could not find any, I began to doubt my own experiences even if I at the time was not really confused. The ex had psycopath-skills but was seen as normal and a really great manipulator. People were not close to him. Those who were close, like me, well when I think back on it, nobody was close to him like I was, so I suffered, image was everything. He would talk about love but he did not know love. I think too what saved me is that I knew from his energy, I knew from how he spoke that he had only borrowed words from real men so I knew it was flickering, the more I saw of his real self it made me strong in one way but frighten in another. The connection we had was not about love, but still this is strong and not many make it out of there, so please, please be proud of yourself.

Be kind to yourself.

If you feel your current relationship is suffering because of your past it may be a good idea maybe to not just you go in treatment but the two of you to go, or maybe he understands well what is going on with you and you don't need to.

The relationship I entered after that one failed realized just by chance when he could see how I changed when he put his arms around me and held me tight, it caused a flashback from the past, and even if I then tried to hide my reaction he asked what happened to you? (that was not what I wanted so I went what do you mean?...I was thinking I don't know what happened. I'm not going to tell you).

We had to train that if I said or did some sign he would know but he would too avoid doing that. I would feel very stupid at times, in the beginning of us living together I would come home and he would want to lift me up and look up at me, be playful, another time quite recently we were joking around and he took his hand on my arm and pulled me towards him and I said no but he thought I was smiling so he did not think anything of it and then suddenly I stood there with my no and tears in my eyes over what was just a game, and old panic had replaced the good feelings in the game, so I am still reacting on something that is not even remotely near what happened one time in the old relationship. I can't imagine how you must have it.

Does your current man understand why you react like you react? You can spare the details if you don't want to, it can too be hard to remember more than the feeling, but what works for me is that you come to an agreement that if you say no or you do a sign or something - something just the two of you know - he will let go, at once, that will give you the feeling you are safe (even if one knows in logic terms one is safe anyways it does not help the reaction).

Even if you feel alone in this, you are not, he is there with you and he wants to be a support, I think, don't alienate yourself from him in these situations.

I really can't say how terrific I think you are to have survived this, please be proud of yourself. There will sadly be those who do not comprehend the meaning of what it is like to be in the kind of relationship you have been, who think it is so easy to just get up and get out, those who think they are superior, they are the one who are lucky and very ignorant, you are the one with the wisdom from this, the knowing, don't forget that.

I wish you all the very best in the future

Everyone who has experience this type of relationship has experienced it in there own personal way. No abusive relationship is the same.

I think u are right tho. There is an issue with myself after the abuse which has affected my current relationship and counselling as a couple is probably a good call.

Turning back to my past abusive relationship. It’s come back to haunt me recently. I’m thinking was I subconsciously aware something was coming out of me looking back on old threads. I wish I never.

I opened up my messenger 2 weeks ago. I was horrified. He had sent me a message through another persons Facebook account. I quickly blocked and deleted it.
Few days later I get a call from my mother. She’s freeking out down the phone. He’s been sending her videos of threats and ringing her over and over.
Because she got so upset about the videos I made the biggest mistake and said mum I need to see them to know how bad.
They weren’t bad, they were worse. He’s telling her going to come and find her and kill her. His face had many scars and he was blaming her for his scars. He said it’s her fault he lost me and that he’s coming for her to take revenge.
He looked like something of a murder documentary. It was really disturbing. Rolling his eyes back and shivering his lips with anger.
I made that mistake of watching them and it’s stuck in my head.
She called the police and they acted quick. They had to open the case up in 3 towns. They come back to her saying oh delete ur Facebook and change ur number. He continued to send videos.
A police officer came back to my mum apologising sincerely and said he was locked up 2020 for life in a secure unit and they don’t understand how or why he was released. The whole U.K. police force has now a emergency warrant to find him immediately as he’s a danger to anyone on the streets.
My mums been put on emergency alert and officers are guarding her house 24/7 till they get him.

In mean time she is freeking out and so scared he will come find her.

For me...all those feelings of anxiety have come flooding back. I’m unable to stop internal shaking. My mind is unable to function right. He stuck in my head and it ain’t nice images either.

My mum is now a bit off with me coz she’s obviously scared but all my trauma from him has come up to the surface. Wen I told her how I felt and that I was scared to she flipped on me. Saying she’s the one that should be scared not me. I’m hurt and angry that she could even think in that way.

In mean time I can’t share it all with my partner. He’s lost his mum and dad during pandemic and is grieving. I can’t plonk this on him. He will most probably go find him him self and prob kill him and do time. Not good time to tell him. But everyone saying I have to
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  #23  
Old 22-02-2021, 06:29 PM
asearcher
Posts: n/a
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by tabane27
Everyone who has experience this type of relationship has experienced it in there own personal way. No abusive relationship is the same.

I think u are right tho. There is an issue with myself after the abuse which has affected my current relationship and counselling as a couple is probably a good call.

Turning back to my past abusive relationship. It’s come back to haunt me recently. I’m thinking was I subconsciously aware something was coming out of me looking back on old threads. I wish I never.

I opened up my messenger 2 weeks ago. I was horrified. He had sent me a message through another persons Facebook account. I quickly blocked and deleted it.
Few days later I get a call from my mother. She’s freeking out down the phone. He’s been sending her videos of threats and ringing her over and over.
Because she got so upset about the videos I made the biggest mistake and said mum I need to see them to know how bad.
They weren’t bad, they were worse. He’s telling her going to come and find her and kill her. His face had many scars and he was blaming her for his scars. He said it’s her fault he lost me and that he’s coming for her to take revenge.
He looked like something of a murder documentary. It was really disturbing. Rolling his eyes back and shivering his lips with anger.
I made that mistake of watching them and it’s stuck in my head.
She called the police and they acted quick. They had to open the case up in 3 towns. They come back to her saying oh delete ur Facebook and change ur number. He continued to send videos.
A police officer came back to my mum apologising sincerely and said he was locked up 2020 for life in a secure unit and they don’t understand how or why he was released. The whole U.K. police force has now a emergency warrant to find him immediately as he’s a danger to anyone on the streets.
My mums been put on emergency alert and officers are guarding her house 24/7 till they get him.

In mean time she is freeking out and so scared he will come find her.

For me...all those feelings of anxiety have come flooding back. I’m unable to stop internal shaking. My mind is unable to function right. He stuck in my head and it ain’t nice images either.

My mum is now a bit off with me coz she’s obviously scared but all my trauma from him has come up to the surface. Wen I told her how I felt and that I was scared to she flipped on me. Saying she’s the one that should be scared not me. I’m hurt and angry that she could even think in that way.

In mean time I can’t share it all with my partner. He’s lost his mum and dad during pandemic and is grieving. I can’t plonk this on him. He will most probably go find him him self and prob kill him and do time. Not good time to tell him. But everyone saying I have to
Hello, I have sent you a pm.
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  #24  
Old 23-02-2021, 03:19 AM
AbodhiSky
Posts: n/a
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by tabane27
from the start he was physically abusive,

my opinion is never stay with someone who hits you. it is very dangerous. if one had kids, they may hit them too
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  #25  
Old 01-03-2021, 11:52 AM
tabane27 tabane27 is offline
Experiencer
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 393
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by AbodhiSky
my opinion is never stay with someone who hits you. it is very dangerous. if one had kids, they may hit them too

Hmmmm. Try saying that to all those that been in same situation. Why stay in a relationship that’s violence for so long. Unless u have been in one u won’t ever understand.

Also during this bad relationship I had in the past. I had no children. Maybe it would of been a complete different story if I did have children.
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  #26  
Old 02-03-2021, 07:37 PM
ShineLikeStars ShineLikeStars is offline
Pathfinder
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 79
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Hi Tabane. It sounds like your ex is on his way back to jail. So that's a wonderful thing. Whew. I hope you are OK. You are not alone in this. I'm so sorry you haven't hooked up with a better man. Hoping the future will be good for you.
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