Hi Sweetie!

[FallingLeaves]

so
in a dream
he was in a fight
with the first favorite female.

She was giving off hot energy
he was absorbing it with cold...

so he thought
after that
she's mad at him

but he also thought
he's not going to try
to want her
when he doesn't feel it

he has had enough of that

so

she said it
he gets to be alone some more

then when he was waking up
the radio
was giving a diatribe
on how some males
miss even the most obvious signals

and while it was happening
he could only think
of all the times
he didn't miss signals
even a little bit

but the female
used his interest
against him
to make him hurt greatly

so
he was thinking
some of the signals he is seeing
aren't worth pursuing
because he has gotten used to the fact
that that is all such pursuit wiull bring...

basically it is like he thought to himself at age 11,
nothing good can come
of pursuing females

and now he also knows
nothing good comes
when he blindly believes
he can have what he can't...

so
he guesses
maybe
he can find a way
to make a home
out of being alone.

He has nothing better
he can do
anyway

sigh...

[FallingLeaves]

hi sweetie

i feel like
you are asking
for a return
to some place
where we could meet

god only
knows where that is

but
you kinda destroyed that bridge
long ago
when you had me running
hither and yon
to find a you
that just wasn't there

I hated that so much
that not even the thought
that it *might* work
makes me wanna try again...

sigh...

[FallingLeaves]

hehehe

of course he knows
there is always
the off chance

whoever he is talking to

(she)is high on the totem pole
relatively to him

he doesn't really care
enough
to not say
certain things
that seem interesting
anyway

and if she doesn't like him
for it
well
that is just too bad

anyway
he's tired
of spinning his wheels
trying to say
all the right things
to get
what?

life seems more enduring
than for him
to have to continue
to be
doing that

lol

[FallingLeaves]

so, he doesn't know
what she is on about

maybe it has
nothing to do
with him?

What a novel idea!
---------------------------------------
he finally did something right!

how peachy keen
just being able
to stop at a stoplight
instead of
zooming through it!
-----------------------------------------
he's a hypocrite of course

not really rich

but not really poor
either

god lets him be comfortable
for which he is grateful
*knock on wood*
lol

[FallingLeaves]

it is still
so very weird
talking to females
without expecting
I have to give 'more'.

[FallingLeaves]

so, he kinda thinks,
if he says no, never
to something
it is likely to become a fight
to try
and keep it away
and probably
right when he is
at his weakest..

And if he says yes, always
to something else
it will probably
be stolen from him
and probably
just when he needs it most.

So just another reason,
he is motivated,
to try to
deal with
what is in front of him

rather than in
shades of past or future...

but sometimes
what is right in front of him
is an idea about
another time or place

and if so
it is just as well
not to be too attached
to actually attaining
whatever it is
he is thinking about

so that
he can
still stay with
tyring to respond
with himself
in the here, now
------------------------------------------
up to a point
so much of his life
had been in
trying to find
a 'safe' place
to lay his head
so that
he wouldn't have to worry
about being bothered
and just coast along
until death.

of course the gods
don't much appreciate
that kind of trying
to put oneself
on autopilot

so eventually he learned
what that looks like
and mostly
doesn't try it any more.

[FallingLeaves]

he never did answer
this question
of hers
from long ago

he thinks
he's fat
and ugly
and wouldn't be any good
at 'knowing' a woman
in the biblical sense...

Sigh..
---------------------------------------------------------------
he thinks it is likely
that anyone
who was even remotely interested in him
would have the resources
to check out
whether or not
he is for real...

they'd either have material resources
or be able to do something
like flit around
in the astral plane
watching...

or they would have lots of friends

or they would come here
and watch him
make a fool of himself!

but maybe he is wrong
who knows?

maybe someone would be interested
who had no way
of verifying
anything he said...

well...
best think for that
he thinks
is time...

if he's not for real
eventually, he'll flub up
and say something
that shows off
his true colors...
-------------------------------------------------------
as far as him figuring out
who else
might be for real

he's like
I'll never get through that
they are far too good at fooling me

so
it is just a matter
of what he might like

or
since he wrecked that up
pretty badly
in being too specific
about things
he MUST have
for far too long

these days
it is more a matter
of figuring out
what he won't stand for
and not nitpick
other detail
----------------------------------------------------
but nobody wants him
anyway
so
he doesn't much have to deal
with such issues
anyway...

lol...

[FallingLeaves]

sighs
meditating
so nice
right now

lol

[FallingLeaves]

yeah that
is his number one problem

any time he makes progress
someone comes by
and tries to drag him back down.

That is why
so long ago
he didn't even want to start.

I mean what is the point
if you are immediatly
going to be
assumed to be
just as bad as you always were
and get dragged back down?

He should know better
than to talk to people
he guesses...

there are reasons
to keep one's own council
he guesses...

Sigh.

[FallingLeaves]

he tried to tell her
at the very beginning
he knew
he would never get past
what she thought he was
to be what he is

and so he didn't even want
to waste his life
trying

but here he is
he fell for it
again
wasted his entire life
again

just for her
what an idiot
sigh