Times when you didn't get justice

I've thought about this program I saw a while back. A bunch of kids who had been bullied before, being talked into a sort of meditative state by an adult telling them to go back to such a bully-incident and now imagine talking back or doing something to the bully.

I have 2 incidents in my life that stand out and although I have no right to complain as so much worse has and is happening to other people I figured I still give this a try.

First one up was when I truly had to restrain myself when I was at an event with bunch of kids around me that I was trusted to look after when my narc-parent-in-law sees the opportunity to then go over to me and say some nasty things. At the time, at this event, my husband was God knows where and I think the narc-parent-in-law could tell on some level I was hurt, vulnerable because of that but had to keep a smile. Because I now had kids around me I too felt I could not reply back in a fashion I wanted to do. See when I was myself a kid I could talk back and I could shuff or worse someone if the situation required it. I would do the same during teenage years although I would later as a young female not talk of such things. It was when people tried to step on me thinking I was all goodie, all too soft and too kind, that was when I think they deserved what was coming to them. It felt good looking at their surprised faces. They had tried to humiliate me and I projected it back in an instant. That was my justice. I did not go around waiting for the universe to fix that. I wanted to fix that, and did. I've looked through some old childhood photos and I have a sort of defiant look going on there. It was feminine energy already as a young child but still that defiant touch that I can't put my finger on. Think I was just born that way. I used to think it came after my parent's split but see now in photos I had it even before. I know my dad would years later asked what happened to my temper. I was someone who rarely lost it, but when I did get mad - I got mad. So I was told.

So that was that one.

The other one I can't let go off. There is something there. I'm just not clear on how to react on it. It was when my husband had a work colleague standing in the way and them continuing to talk and him letting me stand there, humiliated, vulnerable. When she looked my way and saw that and yet continued, there was this look of glott in her eyes and facial expressions. I think she had the hots for him for sure. I have thought later that the way she stood was almost in a manly way, almost having him physically cornered. In order for him to get loose he would have to ask her to move and he didn't. He was being friendly. He has later claimed he can not remember that I even stood there. Nice. Later on he finally cracked after a fight with me apologizing but saying again he had not seen it like that and that it was never gonna happen again, and could I please come visit his work again? I said no. Simply because I knew he still did not get it on a level and same thing and even worse could happen because I knew what he was like at large gatherings. He said he had been nervous and so on on this day and had not seen the situation like that at all.

Both these events were times when I was too vulnerable and too hurt over my husband's behavior, and thinking of not creating a scene, when I really normally would have. Like I can feel the blood of the defiant child I once was boiling and the teenage girl all together. It feels like me. Like yes, now we are home, kinda. Like this is who I am. This is who I've always been. I just had to tone it down a bit growing up, maturing. My mom being at me and thinking I had a temper. Could be I too had a temper because she was too dominant and tried to control me.

I have tried to imagine like the bullied-kids did but I am sorry, it does not do a thing for me. I've tried in reality to come in contact with the woman who had glott written all over her face but she is either avoiding me or destiny won't let us meet again.

I can pretend I answered the narc-parent-in-law differently but I can't get over this glott-woman-incident. Especially when learning she was rude according to my child further ahead now quite recently. My child saying something nice like maybe she was just stressed out. So my child just took it. My child said the woman got rude when daddy wasn't there. So double faced then. Too remind me of my narc-parent-in-law, saying ugly things to me when my husband was not in the room for no reason and then when he was acting as if no such thing had just been played out. I think it is my mother instinct kicking in as well. I know I have been too kind and let the narc-parent get off the hook too many times before, before I finally began to fight, and to hear my own child use same terms I would think to myself that oh maybe the woman is stressed out So what if she is? give her no right to be like that to his child when he's not even there to defend her. My kid of course don't know what's going on.

I've tried to dismiss this but could it be because it is something ongoing that I can not see it as past-event? That this pretending-thing is not working for me? What to do?

I know I can't do what I did as a child and teenager, and that I can only use words like any other civilized human being and I am someone against violence. But still.... if pretending to re-create a memory won't work, what does work, besides actually confronting?

oh just want to add that i have tried the empathy-thing. that both the narc is in reality so very insecure... and the woman is so insecure... so they both seize the opportunity to step on me when I was at my most vulnerable, hurt self. And now doing something behind my husband's back, the latest to a small child at that. And my husband is like he's missed half the show and don't know what's going on and trying to catch on, he's been hopeless. I used to before keep him out of it as I knew the narc wanted a she-said, he-said scenario where he would not know who to believe and for it to cause further troubles between us (as I do think the narc wanted the son to dump me or be dumped). Before I did not know if he was really that innocent or just pretending and I was boiling mad.

Think one of the reasons why I turned my self off (romantic wise) regarding my husband was because he did not seem to understand these sort of situations and I could not risk getting hurt again. It was easier to then just turn off and have a shield up. Thing is he should have recognized these signs but I know I always wondered if he truly did even long before we got to be a couple. He was like this gentleman, not the sleazy kind, and I could tell all the steps some women would do to get his attention, one of the final ones would be their hand on his arm or actually suddenly throwing their arms around him. I know I just one time was far away watching the spectacle and how he somehow managed to be still nice but still somehow get out of it even if took a little while. Back then we were not a couple.

I know he would carefully sit down beside me and then we found out we had the same humor, so humor connected us. I know he was careful with me. He would later say he at first did not think I liked him but then he thought I was shy and that he needed to take it slow. I did not know if he was so into me and would by accident too have him wait and find him sitting somewhere outside even if it rained and he could just have left, he just sat there, smiled when he saw me, wouldn't say anything about me being late or nothing. He said he knew I would come around at some point so he figured he just wait. He was a darling. Know with other things as well he would later joke and say "You let me wait". I know despite me feeling the exciting energy between us and the humor, that I was insecure if I should really get myself into anything with him. I can't say I would not have a clue that some women would fancy him, it was this way from the second I saw him from a distance.

[lostsoul13]

I see someone with confidence and esteem and vitality: you still stood your ground even if you had to bite your lip.. you win in a queer sense that you were in a predicament of placements..

Maybe it was attraction? Telling you to rise above it?

You obviously did.. try not letting things get the best of you most of them are fleeting hype?? Probably doesn’t feel like it at the moment but probably universe was telling you - you can rise above it giving you the inevitable situations to do so..

Thank you LostSoul13, that was incredibly kind of you, those words :)