He told me we girls tend to fall in love with guys we don't even know ;)

[Kiran]

... and I'm afraid that's just what happened!




Long Story, sorry... only read if interested and ready to give advice!


Met this guy, Marc, on some Facebook discussion. I liked what he said and he seemed nice, so I sent him a friendship request. After some weeks of several Facebook messages, we went on to chat on Skype (just writing, never videochat - can't really explain why, it's actually made for that reason, videochats, haha. But we never).

Found out he is a bit socially awkward and insecure. Tendency of Asperger as well, so I don't blame him, it's just his way of being. Very good logic skills and soooo intelligent, but a bit emotionally handicapped, if you understand me. He's studying Physics, by the way. Kind of a "Big Bang Theory" character, he describes himself . But he is absolutely nice and can be so sweet

Innocent, that's the word. No experience with women either - still a virgin, with 29, which surprised me a little, he's good looking and all (what I can tell from photos)... he told me in some intimate conversation, we've had many. He knows a lot about me and my past, same as he has told me many things that he surely wouldn't have told to just about any stranger.

From the very beginning of our "Skype friendship", we spent hours and hours chatting every evening, til late into the night. He literally left me sleepless (while he's a student and can allow himself to stay up late from time to time, I'm out in the working world, which makes it a bit more difficult. But it's definitely worth it and I wouldn't want to miss our talks).


Now, to the cause of trouble, so to call: I think I like him more than I should. We don't really live too far away from each other - less than two hours by train - so if we wanted to, it shouldn't be a problem to meet up and get to know each other in person. What I don't know is if he would want to do so. He sometimes asks me how to behave with women, and talks about other girls he knows (nothing serious, but he has liked or still likes one or two of them. However, they were/are not interested, and that's what he is insecure about).

I've had dreams about him. Childish fantasies. But what he HAS done, and I am incredibly grateful for it: He finally made me heal - really HEAL, not just temporarily cover up - my old painful feelings for an ex-lover, love of my life as I used to call him. It stopped hurting. Maybe it was time, maybe divine grace, maybe him - whatever. But it coincided with the time we met. My pain was worst then, I felt terrible... now it's gone.

I have no idea how Marc feels about me. I mean, I know he LIKES me. We invest a lot of time every day in chatting. He has seen photos of me and said I looked pretty, even "hot" on some pics. He built me up when I was in a low mood. He sends huggie bears and wishes me a good night and sweet dreams. He TRUSTS me, else we wouldn't ever have spoken with such intimacy. But he never proposed meeting in person, and I'm afraid to scare him off if I do. I mean, what do I do? I have until very lately felt like I've lost the love of my life, and he has no clue what love really is. How is this going to work?



I've told my best female friend Marc's quote from above (that we tend to fall in love with guys we don't even know), and she says it's rather just falling in love with a fantasy, an image. She's probably right. But this image makes me feel so good!

I would love to get to know him personally, see if there is "chemistry", correct the image if need be, enhance it.


But what to do? I don't want to go too fast and scare him, or be rejected. But if I wait for him to ask, I just might wait forever.



(For those of you who feel like mocking because of his virginity - NO, I'm not in "teacher mode". Already had that and wasn't such an incredible experience, thank you. And I think it's great he's not wasting it to "just anybody as long as I get rid of it", like many young guys do.)

[Kiran]

Please, comment. I need some advice. :)

[wstein]

Originally Posted by Kiran

I would love to get to know him personally, see if there is "chemistry", correct the image if need be, enhance it.

This seems clear and also quite doable.

I hear you concern about his inexperience. I suggest you do get together in a non-threatening non-dating way. By not calling it a 'date', you avoid seeming too forward or placing too many expectations all at once. Depending on your area and likes, a walk in nature, a street fair, amusement park. The key is something that allows you to talk while still providing something to do if there are awkward moments. Its most likely you will know the answer to the above. Since probably you will have to suggest this (bold) move, next time leave it to him to suggest something.

What you didn't say is that you fear its all a fantasy and meeting him will dispel that. All those pleasant musings in your head will be ruined (even if it ultimately works out for you two). If finding 'more' is worth that risk, then take that step.

Originally Posted by Kiran

But what to do? I don't want to go too fast and scare him, or be rejected. But if I wait for him to ask, I just might wait forever.

(For those of you who feel like mocking because of his virginity - NO, I'm not in "teacher mode". Already had that and wasn't such an incredible experience, thank you. And I think it's great he's not wasting it to "just anybody as long as I get rid of it", like many young guys do.)

Hi Kiran,
Well, it is a new day and time. A woman CAN ask a guy out(should be able to, at least) without appearing too forward or pushy. I would imagine with someone so "inexperienced", as you worded it - it might be refreshing as it takes the pressure off of him and he won't be in a position to be turned down for putting himself out there. I'd say go for it. But like the poster said above me, choosing something to do that you can still have moments to connect but that provide mutual distractions for the awkward times is a wise idea. That's my opinion. Hope that helps!

Also, the last past of your story...highly commendable as you noted about not just giving himself to the first kitty that purrs at him. not to be crude but most guys today don't even think once let alone twice. If it's got a depository, they're in. (no pun intended) I did actually just lose the love of my life, the last 10 years anyway, to someone else. I haven't been intimate since her, and I'm not going to open myself up to just anyone, either. My life isn't about flings and meaningless hook-ups anymore. So I definitely feel where he's coming from and many kudos for his resolve.

I think that guy may want to meet you to but the fact that he is insecure or he may be shy and afraid to ask you out. But you have to face the facts, if he truly loves you, just ask him to meet face to face, I think you wouldn't want to be in relationship which you are not sure of.

If he has an Asperger, any intense physical interactions probably cause anxiety and even panic attack for him.
Hence the reason, Aspergers like emails and digital interactions including other social medias, like Facebook.

So, he probably prefers the 'online' interaction that you currently share than having a real physical interaction with you in person.

Aspergers are also highly intelligent and usually very good at a structured environment like school. You can find many of them studying and working in engineerings, science, and creative field (arts etc).

Also, he is telling you that "girls tend to fall in love with guys we don't even know". This is actually a bit alarming.. I sense that he is trying to tell you that you do not know all his skeletons in his closet.

However, he did help you to heal from your last relationship, so this was probably the reason why he came into your life. Now, you can go out there again and start meeting potential new loves of your life.

[Silver]

I enjoyed your telling of this online meeting, Kiran.

I think and feel, that broaching the subject with him of meeting IRL, as wstein suggested (I think his response was pretty wise).

[twinkle]

Since people with apserger's syndrome usually have trouble making eye contact, he might prefer online communication to in person contact involving eye contact. If you meet him, maybe you could sit side by side instead of across from each other so not as much eye contact would be involved. Because he said he does not know how to talk to girls, I think you should be the one to initiate the meet up. You could tell him you could travel to him or he could travel to you, his choice.

[7luminaries]

Kiran, I think you are a very thoughtful person and from posts I've read previously you do want to connect at the soul level.
However I agree with Nada...his comment is disturbing but obviously he feels he can be honest with you. I would ask if he is interested in meeting up for coffee or a pint, and see if he is interested in you as a person IN person.

If he is not, you may need to draw a rather hard line in your heart and mind. As in "friends only" so as not to invest the time, energy, and love into it that you would otherwise reserve for a partner. For starters, this may understandably involve reducing the frequency and level of sharing on your chats. Your needs and feelings are equally important to theirs, which is something that is very difficult for many less mature men to grasp, Aspberger's totally aside.

So if he wants more of your time and emotional support than you can give without becoming more deeply engaged, then it's perfectly reasonable to say, "I care for you as a person but I can't get too close or spend too much time, because I can't get attached to someone who doesn't value me in the way I would value them. No offense and so forth, I think you're a lovely person, etc."

Others need to understand that they cannot expect grand investments from us whilst giving little to nothing in return. This is why the one gent above said that it was admirable he had not dipped his wick in every available pot. Many do just that and give little or nothing in return. By comparison, he might seem more desirable than some in this regard, for certain.

But deep emotional support and intimacy is every bit equally a large investment, just as physical intimacy is. No one can expect this level of deep investment from another -- whether physical or emotional -- without giving fully of oneself, and without consideration of another's feelings and needs alongside one's own.

If one cannot or will not do this, and many do not, then it often naturally becomes an imbalance and an imposition on the other. It's often perceived as taking advantage, in whatever way applies. Before it reaches this point, where you may begin to resent the situation deeply whilst healing, it is often wise to draw your line in the sand and stand firm behind it, emotionally and spiritually.

If it is merely insecurity and not a strong ethical foundation that guides him to be celibate, I cannot say whether it necessarily amounts to much of an indicator of his inner fortitude or his ability to give (i.e., emotional depth or generosity). And in any case it is not a clear indicator of his behaviour or expectations in a relationship at present.

Is he looking for a girlfriend just for some casual company and for sex? If so, he may intentionally not be interested in someone like you, who has more serious inclinations. Even if he does want to meet and even if you do meet, I would explore his positions on all of these topics first, and proceed cautiously before getting too (much more) emotionally invested.

Take care
7luminaries

[Kiran]

Hello and thank you all.

Marc has been away to meet his mother and half-siblings this weekend, so we haven't skyped since my post. We probably will this evening, but I'm not sure if I will bring up the topic already or still wait a little. Let's see.


A bit on your answers:

wstein, I also think yours is a very wise response. Thank you. I'll try that.

Geezzy.G, nice that there are still guys like you two around

shone, yeah, I'd prefer to clear that and know.

Nada, it seems you have experience with Asperger affected persons. About the "skeletons in his closet", well, it could might be he hasn't told me everything yet. I read your message rather like an "hey, at least you finally healed, go find someone better" than trying it with him. Not sure if you meant it that way.

Silvergirl, we have talked before on other topics, so like 7luminaries, you might already know a bit how I tend to think and feel. wstein's response seems pretty good to me too.

twinkle, thanks for the advice with sitting side by side.

7luminaries, I very much appreciate your contribution, as you already "know" me a little (well, my words - kinda like Marc and me ). I hear from what he said that if he really develops intense feelings for a girl - which for him is essential for getting into a relationship - he wants it to be "something serious". For casual company he has his friends, also female ones (adding that he lives in a shared flat, guys and girl). Sex, he never had, and it doesn't seem like an important topic for him, either. However, if he is not interested in me "as a person IN person", as you said, I'll have to draw a line. I know (and from what you read in previous posts, obviously you know it, too) that I tend to get quite attached to someone I spend much time with, especially if there is emotional depth and intimacy to our talks... so we'd definitely have to cut down on these chats.




For those of you interested, and because it might shed a little more light on how HE feels, here some quotes from his messages. The first two are from Facebook, when we still didn't know each other so well, the others snipsels from our Skype chats.

About himself: "It doesn't mean I have problems contacting other people. It's more like that: I have to spend lots of time with myself and my hobbies to not grow insane. When I'm with people over a longer period of time, at some point I get tired and unconcentrated. Even watching films is exhausting for me, because at some point my own thoughts distract me from it. Then I just need something to relax my head, for example solving a Rubik's cube helps well or playing on my smartphone or solving a math problem. Something I can structure. Might sound sicker that it is, but apart from that I'm rather pleasant-natured and down-to-earth. Getting a woman, I've long since freed myself of that. Before, I had problems with it, in the meantime I don't care. I have some good friends, and that's sufficing. I don't know if with my rather special personality I'm even capable of handling a relationship, had to know that painfully in the past. But if you're interested in the details is another question. "

About a former "almost-relationship": "But she couldn't handle my introvertedness, she needs someone with more initiative, who can also be responsive of her specific interests and I have big trouble with that. But if something doesn't interest me, I can impossibly enthuse about it, independently from if the other person cares to relate to my specific interests and would expect the same from me then. Also, I've never been with anyone, so I can't really imagine too much under the term relationship. Actually I don't even want it, but when feelings arise, it's hard to keep them down."

About feelings (from chat): "Actually I told myself I would not even allow feelings of any kind. But I'm not sure if I can stick with it. I allow social contacts and friendships, and they're even very important to me. But love is something I connect with queasyness all my life. I react physically to it: nerviosity, loss of appetite, depression."

About "casual sex": "I find it a repugnant thought to have sex with a woman who's a stranger" - to which I responded joking: "why stranger, you can at least ask her name " , his response was: "I would have had the chance. But I couldn't get over the thought of wasting my first time like this. So I'm rather proud than embarassed that I'm still a virgin"

Sniplets about me: "Yeah, you look quite hot on that one pic, with that hair"... "chubby persons can look good too"... "you don't need such a man"... "why don't you just wait for someone to develop feelings for you" (that last one was responding to me saying that everytime I have feelings for someone, they turn me down and that I'm starting to just give up)... "feelings are developed together"... "so you're hanging with the wrong men"... "most women you see prefer that *******-macho-player type and many men are like that" - my response: "that's absolutely not true for me... why should I want such a guy?" - and he said: "well, you're not like most women... and I'm not like most men... else we wouldn't be talking"...


Just some impressions.

Thank you all and hope you keep responding, love to all