How to cope best?

I have 2 people in my life that I would say are not stable and I am not alone in thinking this.

I have tried to get distance, to have things my way, to set boundries, to keep myself busy - but I have to say these 2, and especially one of them, have this power to bring me down. I am "down" or at least a level or two "down", always because of especially one of them. I can't seem to break loose from it.

I am sure that many people can deal with this better than I can and I wish so badly I could just turn it off.

Do anyone have any advice on how you have handled these type of people that you simply have to deal with, you can't cut them out?

I am lucky in that I have lots of well functioning relationships and am used to getting along with people. I know no one's perfect, I'm not perfect.

I feel I can never relax in my private life because of these 2 people, especially one of them, it is always that this person is waiting for me to call back or something, it does something so I can't relax. It's too much. I feel myself being drained, and I know I am the one who is doing this to myself in between the contacts with this person. How can one deal with this in a better way? I wish I was different. I wish I knew how. Thus the relationship is always "on" even if it is not, even if hours,days, week or more without contact.

Have anyone been through this and could please advice of something? I would appreciate it so much! How did/do you turn it "off" in between the contacts?

[astralsuzy]

Who are those people that you are not coping with. Is it relatives, family, friends or work? I think I can relate to you. My sister in law likes putting me down. She has been doing it for years. She has got nastier over the years. My husband knows it and other people. I got advice from a friend. She advised me to ignore it and say nothing. She is right. I could say something but it will not do any good. It will only make it more unpleasant. Perhaps I do not need to worry about it anymore as I found my extended family want nothing to do with us. We are not invited to any of their gatherings. One of my brothers I will keep in contact with. My husband said to me not to think about it. I do think about it but I have to try to make an effort not to think about it. Thinking about it only hurts you and no one else. There are lots of disappointments that can happen. We have to try to get on with our lives and not to get depressed.

[utopiandreamchild]

Originally Posted by asearcher

I have 2 people in my life that I would say are not stable and I am not alone in thinking this,

Do you feel loved or not?, use the words "I love you" often, you'd be surprised at what a little love can do. Be the example and love unconditionally. If this doesn't work and they still act in the same manner then maybe it's time to move on.
Love utopia

Hi Astralsuzy!

How misfortuned you got with that weird sister-in-law and those others. So good you have such a strong bond with your husband! Not everyone has that, someone who understands and who is strong enough to be there for you in times like this. Sometimes the one who does not understand makes the wound deeper and creates a distance, I've had that, for years. Someone who does not understand and to just bring it up creates even more distance.

Some people are not as "bright", in lack of a better term, to see the games some people play and fall right into the claws, she seem to me like someone like that. Yes it is relatives, one by blood and one not. They have in common this idea that they are superior in some way and can just handle out insults as much as they please, to anyone, the latter uses it as a joke - always on other people's expense and it's not funny, it is true insults and it can come at any point. I'm just so sick of it. I have met this person with silence, or with speaking in a neutral voice so it won't continue, I always try to stay away in crowds of this person as much as I can. This person, of course, say bad things about me behind my back but this is common with this person, it is so fake, you can't believe a word that come out of it's mouth.

I have finally opened up to others how I feel and what has happened in the past. Before I used to think I was the only target and used to shut up about it as I did not want other's effected which was the wrong way to go, I feel now. It effected me on a deeper level than what I wanted. I wanted to just shrug it off, but as long as I was not defending myself in a manner I would have liked to, just to protect someone else's feelings (the one whom I was after not being placed in the middle) I was making myself a continues target. And when one is not true with one self I think it causes this hurt. One has to stand up. I have stood up, more than once and it was this huge drama. I think everyone (including the one who used to have a lack of understanding what was really going on with this person) is afraid of that other person, it is not stable, I can see it in it's eyes, it's dangerous, it shouldn't have a family to abuse in the first place, don't deserve one by the way it is acting out.

But usually one tries to stay away from drama - as drama too is something that is of negative supply and often these people want that - they want anything but silence and no attention. My guess is that your sister-in-law is a manipulator, wants attention above all, wants to prover herself more worthy than anyone else etc, etc? Sorry if I jump to conclusions.

I've been lucky in my professional life handling co-workers who treats me well and bosses who treats me well and so on, and people who wants me try to make me go back to my old working places. I generally like people. It has to take a lot for me to not like someone, it is not that I don't see their weak spots but I too know at least of some of my own weak spots, but these 2 not-stable individuals they will never change. Because they are just that, not stable, one still feel a responsibility as they both can't see what is in their best interest, in the end.

I will continue to try to not make me feel low about it, but it is always this struggle and they always "steal" energy from me, it is always this shadow following me around and sometimes I think it is nuts how it effects me when I should be enjoying a moment with my daughter and be happy - and they're not even close. That they should not be able to steal that energy from me.

(erased some text wrote too much..)

It is in both examples as if these 2 people think they are entitled to treat their families badly, that we are forced to just take it, and they see it as everyone else's faults, but at the same time they're not stable so it is not as if they are getting anything one has to say either.

[astralsuzy]

Originally Posted by asearcher

Hi Astralsuzy!
My guess is that your sister-in-law is a manipulator, wants attention above all, wants to prover herself more worthy than anyone else etc, etc?

I would say you are correct. I never thought of it like that. My sister in law sounds like the person you describe in your situation. My sister in law often will say something nasty and if you talk to her about it to try to solve it she will say it is all my fault. When I have evidence to what I am saying she will bring things up that she thinks is negative about me to try and get back at me. She will not stop and will criticize me in the emails. I walk away and I do not answer her emails. I let it go as it is the only thing I can do. It is better that her family do not want to see us. That is what my daughter said. It was starting to be a big problem with her always trying to put me down. My daughter said she noticed my sister in laws nasty comments. It is hurtful to realise that my brother and family do not want to see us but at least I know and I can move on. I have to accept that is what it is and move on. I am very lucky. I have a good husband and family and a few close friends.
I advise you if you have to see those people to try not to be around that person much if that is possible. Try not to think of the hurtful things in the past as it will only hurt yourself and make you feel unhappy. I would not talk to the person on the phone. If you do then I would keep the phone call short. Make an excuse that you have to go and do it.

Thank you so sweet of you, with the advices.

The way I see it is I think you are not the first victim of this sister-in-law, nor will you be the last. When it don't have you to pick on she will look for someone else. These kind of people depend on it. They need that. They need the neg supply. It's nothing personal except that maybe you are a strong and wonderful person and that is enough for such people! They often keep themselves surrounded by a "yes-audiance", as I like to call it, those who are "sleeping" or those who belive the image she has created. It's all illusion.

It will often take some people years to figure out her true nature, but they will. I have noticed that some people think perhaps about something 3 levels down and not like me I go like 10 levels down per automatic, LOL, which means I am way ahead, and I then have to wait them in. I don't get shocked because I expect nothing less from someone like that, but still I have to wait the others in. Nothing else to do. Can't quick up the process.

Yes, your husband and your other family and friends - are just golden! Wonderful you have them! And for them to give you the love and support you need!

Your brother is most likely too weak (sorry) to protest and let her rule the show or too naive to grasp the real picture, or he does but she got something on him that he can't afford to loose, so he has to loose you instead. In any case you are better off without him too, sad to say it but he will be one of those who will pay the ultimate price later on, I guess.

God, I will try to keep it short...Thank you.

The one who is not by blood was close to or did its part to sabotage part of my self esteem while I was in a relationship with it's son, bit by bit, so strategic, even if I physically removed myself - it would show up in the room I was in alone.

Me and this son's relationship has been on and off, I had to leave him, and it has been a very rocky road for us, as we had a set back with the therapy too, not blaming this on the therapy.

Now we have promised to give each other one last chance. I have said, not as a threat but as a fact that if he don't stand up for me and the family we have created and will continue to be like a little boy, and not stand up for what is important for us - then this will be the final end. I can't take it no more. He's been "sleeping".

He is a good dad, though and I've always said that about him, and I keep it separate from our relationship, we're a good team when it comes to the kids, something I'm proud off. Can't say it enough - he is a really good dad.

The way he used to fight with me (not the kids, important to keep that apart) was the way a narcissist fights and if I said anything I was "so sensitive", which is another way to express that my view of reality is not correct and it wasn't so bad. This is something often used from the narcissist in his first family.

Had I not created a family with him - I would have been out the door a long time ago. I know specifically when I would have left him - and told him so.

Love is not the answer here, him realizing some of his defects (he has wonderful sides to him as well) that I see originate from his narcissistic parent, would make a big difference. Then again I am not perfect either, so he too had to give his complaints.

So now it is "Showtime", I guess - the future will give evidence if their dad will deliver, if he has changed because of therapy, because of all our talks, during our split, and now too.

I have changed. I used to have less confidence and I don't no more. I've become more "cold", if you so will. I will no longer sacrifice my self respect, my well being, but take good care of myself too, or at least better.

The rest is up to the kids dad and the family he's come from. I have no issue with anyone else, just the narcissist and that is like fighting 10 people at the same time, that difficult.

To someone like the kids dad it has been an eye opener that his behavior is controlling and demeaning in fights with me and not OK, it has been something normal to him growing up.

He could have stayed just the way he was, and find another- he is very good looking and people see him as charming and stable and just easy , a gentleman, and he would have no problem finding someone new, I'm sure. But he says he doesn't wanna.

I just hope his narcissistic parent don't wreck this, it is as if we are walking on this thin ice, and I'm not sure it is going to hold.

I will keep myself in the background and if there is any confrontation and fight than I will state my case, be neutral and then let the children's dad do his bit, that he has not done in the past ("Sleeping"...)

So bizarre, if we were out and if anything threatening was to happen - he was always right there , and would even take physical hold of people who were violent or about too (to someone else). He was firm and stayed calm and took care of the situations without ripping someone of their dignity. So to see that - and then to know, how he has not stick up for me, for me to miss him having my back when I was being targeted the way I was by his narcissistic parent and he let that happen - that just broke my heart. It made me so insecure. It made me feel as if I loved him more. And maybe I did back then. I used to be crazy about him. That he gave his narcissistic parent the go-for-it card, that I was worth that little to him. I felt so trapped. I felt so alone. To do that to another human being. All I had done was to love him. And he had dragged me into that situation. And just let me take it. It wasn't fair. I did not deserve it.

He was blind, he said, and that he was so used to the narcissist doing this, then added that it never does it to him - so why then not react when it is doing it to me? He would say he got shocked (why shocked, he knew the narcissist) and then he thought I could answer well, be quick on the toes, and if he jumped in he feared it would make me look like a little girl. But I needed to know he had my back - and there were times he even sided with the narcissist against me. He only saw things from his perspective. He only cared about himself. And that hurt.

It is sad but I think I had to stop loving him the way I used to, after all the emotional punches in order for me to feel strong enough to leave, and to finally stand up for myself. Believe me, I tried to reach through to him way before - I didn't want to leave. But in the end - I wanted too, it was too self damaging to stay.

I have my heart right now in bubble plastic, LOL, protection around it.

When I feel safe enough I am sure it will come off. but I am protecting myself more these days.

There are just wonderful people in his first family as well, and that's good :)

We'll see how it goes. All of this takes time. And time to heal. Or else we split and this time for good, can't keep this up.

I'm not looking forward to spending time with the narcissist...but I will keep in the crowd and just try to not care.

I am so sorry that the kids dad has been placed in the middle. It was this I feared years ago. What I did not want him to go through. That's why I took all the punches, to protect him from it. I've seen these sort of thing happen before, in other families, and the one in the middle - is being torn apart by two forces, and I just did not want that for him. But at the same time I could not take being punched all the time either, I had to stand up, and finally say I was done with it, and step to the side. Now I am being pulled back again.

There are things that happened behind his back, what the narcissist has said to me - in separate rooms. Even a time when the narcissist followed me, someone else in the family (also called out to be "sensitive") followed, knowing something was up. The children's dad did not do that. So this "sensitive" person then, by accident, witnessed what the narcissist did to me. Then it turned around as we had a witness and then made this phony "apology".

The children's dad never made a fuss about it. Told me that the parent had apologized. I said to him "Not once did you ask me - are you OK? How did you experience this situation? I'm sorry I wasn't there for you". No. He just said the parent had apologized, and that was it. Moving on.

It was in fact the "sensitive" that asked me that "Are you OK? God, I'm so sorry!" as if this was the "sensitive"'s fault. That individual took more responsibility for what the narcissist had done. I think the "sensitive" even felt bad it wasn't there "in time" before it happened.

When it was time for me to open up to the children's dad about scenes that had taken place when he was not in the room, this "sensitive" was called in and told the truth.

I had been afraid to say everything because I thought he was not going to believe me. I had a hard time believing it myself, the words and the actions the narcissist had said and done to me, out of the blue, without provocation (except that I just was there and was breathing I guess).

So other family members has been there for me, more than the children's dad. Now, that's something. They're looking out for me. I never asked them too. Still they do. They don't say anything - they're just there. Someone of them hug me for a longer period of time when greeting, and one time it was as if tears came in my eyes that I tried to hide. Just those little things.

I have been so angry and hurt and confused about all this for such a long time. Before I ended things.

Now the children's dad wants to prove he has changed.

So I am thinking there is a lot at stake here right now - why it feels as if I am out on thin ice. I hope I can count on the children's dad this time. Or else we have to split for good. I am trying to trust him. And go forward.

[astralsuzy]

You sound very nice. Thank you very much for your opinion. I never thought of it like that but I would say you are correct about my sister in law. About my brother I think you are right. I did not think of it. My brother lets his wife do almost anything she wants. She often puts my brother down. My husband, my other brother and I wonder how he can stand it. He just puts up with it. My sister in law was not nice to my mother as well. My sister in law says things like she is just like a daughter to her. I ignore it.

I am sorry to hear about you having problems with your relationship. Reading about your situation made me think. When I am around my sister in law and she puts me down in front of everyone, no one says anything. I think it is best as it will only make things worse. I just ignore it. I got advice from a friend and she said to ignore it and not to pay any attention to it. For my brother's 60th birthday we bought him a very special bottle of alcohol. It cost a lot of money. It was my husbands favourite drink. I did not know that my brother did not like it. Many months later my sister in law shrieked and complained about the alcohol we got. My husband said nothing. Not because he was weak. There is no point in making the situation worse. I said to my brother, you should have told me you did not like it as I would have sent it back and got you something else.

I will put myself in your shoes. If my husbands family was nasty to me I am sure he would not put up with it. He would say something to them or not go there.

My husband is kind, caring, considerate, faithful etc. If a person does not respect you or is not kind then it is best to be apart. It would be harder having children to separate. My son did it. He has a one year old daughter and is separated from his wife. He said she was so unbearable that he could not stand to be with her. They had counseling but if it is not meant to work then it will not work.
My friend said her husband was a narcissist. They have been separated for years and she is very happy.

No one should sacrifice their self respect. I am glad you take good care of yourself. I hope you are able to find peace.

[astralsuzy]

One more thing to say, if my husband did not stand up for me and his family or parents were nasty to me I could not put up with it. I would be agreeable if my husband refused to go there in future. If he refused it would be distressing, upsetting and would cause lots of arguments. I could not live like that.

[astralsuzy]

I just thought of something. My neighbour does not get on with her husbands mother so she does not see her. Do you have to see his parents? I would not if they treated me badly.

Thank you very much.

God, that sister-in-law is quite something, she has no class. No one complains like that. She should be ashamed of herself. Yes, I think in reality there will be sooner or later people who just can't stand her. These kind of people like your sister-in-law they only see that the problems is everyone else, everyone else who won't do exactly what they want. It's never their fault. Sorry I was right about your brother, maybe one day she will have crossed the line with him and he will stand up or he will remain this way. Sigh.

I agree - we have all tried to treat the narcissists comments with silence, ignoring it, too I suppose because one never knows when it will happen and when it does one gets so surprised one gets stunned, but then this narcissist is working on all fields, so to speak, that I could not always meet it with silence.

The narcissist has gotten angry with me when I have protected other family members. When I have stood up for myself.

They had built this system, or the narcissist really, but with other family members allowing it, that it was to explode to just about anyone and that person just had to take it and the other just had to be silent. It's so nuts.

This is a family that were not taught to voice their individual opinion, and to not protect each other.

The children's dad lived in some strange world where he did not even see that this is not normal, it is not how it is suppose to be, it is not how it is in other families. It's not healthy to have it this way.

There is only one person in the whole family that I have trouble with - and it is the narcissist.

The children's dad found something that worked for him while growing up - and it was to be a so called grey stone. Trouble is that do not protect anyone else beside him. And he should have looked out for us more, IMO. But he did not see it as harmful, abnormal as I did.

My children's dad never explained anything to me.

The first alarming signal I got that something was off was at the beginning. It was when I was to meet his family and some friends out in a public place, a restaurant. Then, so in love, I took for granted that it was OK to reach out and to hold his hand, and I did. He took me aside to tell me that he did not want me to touch him (Just holding his hand was all I had done!) among them. I was shocked and he made me feel as if I had done something wrong.

Up til that point I had been in previous romantic relationships and never known it could even be an issue.

I was to later find out that his first family, with the narcissist as the boss, would state that they are not into physical tenderness, so they don't hug when they see you, basically. They don't show any other physical tenderness. This was, is normal to them.

He had been taught it was something very private, apparently, and not "on display". But he did not explain that to me. I didn't know. But this is what he did - he projects something that he has been taught is bad - on me, who stood there clueless, because at some point in his life, when younger I presume, he has been taught that this is bad. As if I was suppose to know that?

Some time later I remember we had this huge fight about it, and he apologized. He would after that try to reach out for my hand but I swear, that connection I had felt back before, and me wanting to reach out to hold his hand - that would remain gone. I just never felt like it again, among others. I was becoming him - more cold. Disconnected. I became too mentally disconnected and focused on others. So this was def a vulnerability, and so then perfect for the narcissist to see.

When I became a mom, and even before, I would with ease show physical tenderness towards the child/children, and I think it was this experience that made me realize just how important these "little things" are. What i want to have in my own created family.

But anyways, this has been normal to him, to be that controlled by the narcissist, to not be allowed or to not feel empathy if someone else, even a family member - even me - is being "attacked", verbally or so by the narcissist.

His level of what is insulting and so on is not the same as mine was. He was used to much worse from the narcissist. Everyone's job was to tip toe around the narcissist. And I think he felt ashamed to even recognize that is what he, and the rest of the family was doing. So he would act as if nothing was wrong.

He has said too, afterwards, that he can see it now from my perspective. That he feels ashamed for not having understood and not having been there for me, or us.

If and when someone was to protest against the narcissist it was, is made fun of, ridiculed, and told it was, is too sensitive. You name it. So no wonder he became the way he did - the children's dad.

He was never taught to talk about things with substance, as all subjects had to remain on the surface or else one would show vulnerability, and you can't show vulnerability in front of your own family - not that family because of one single person - the narcissist. It was as if he did not have a language for it. I knew he had substance. Once I got him to open up to me and talk to me, it was wonderful. He was always so silent in the narcissistic household because the only one who is allowed to talk, or so it feels like, is the narcissist.

There has been times in our relationship when the children's dad get this surprised look on his face. First time I saw it was when I surprised him when he was sick with a basket of stuff that could come to use. He was never used to anyone caring about him when he was sick. However, when the narcissist was sick - that was different.

The other time was when I just listened to him and asked him questions, wanting to really get to know him. He was not used to that.

My major difficulty with the narcissist - that began after we had had our baby, as grandparents by then move in closer and the dynamics change, I guess.

Before all that the children's dad would tell me that he was not close with his parents. I automatically drew him closer into my world, with my people.

He is someone else with me and the children, and with my family and my friends etc, than he is with his first family and I think that too made me insecure. I didn't recognize him. He would too tell me he has appreciated the people in my life, I can tell he does.

He has been disconnected not only to me, but to the other family members as well from his first family, around the narcissist. It is as if he has checked out. When I pointed it out he had not even been aware of it, he said, that he did that. And how alone that made me, us feel. We needed the man he was with us - at home, and in my world, that man and that dad - not a little boy to a narcissist, still trapped in an old role. I think it will be difficult for him to break out. I'm hoping he can do it, if not for our sake, what ever will happen with us, than for his own sake. I feel sorry for the others' too.

I agree - silence is ignoring the stupid comments and to stand above it - I will try that more :)

Thank you for all the support