Is it normal??

[Ailurophile]

Hi everyone,

I know it's been a long time since I wrote this bit I just wanted to update
You and thank you for your advise.

In the end I decided that the lack of trust between us didn't make
For a healthy relationship and I ended it which was very
Difficult but I was glad I did as I found out afterward that he had infact
Been talking with her about getting back together while we were still together
And he was seeing her behind me back over Christmas when we stayed in England.

All in all a very hurtful experience that left me with a lot of confidence and trust
Issues but I have since met a wonderful man that is helping me put myself back together. It just goes to show you should trust your instincts.

Thanks again :) xx

Yes, we should all trust our instincts, I didn't like to say you should leave him, but since you have, have no regrets, and hopefully all will go well with your new relationship.

[wstein]

Originally Posted by Ailurophile

Do you think its normal for someone to be in regular contact with an ex when they are in a relationship with someone else and have been for 8 years?

Normal, absolutely, it happens all the time. In many cases regular contact is unavoidable especially cases involving shared children.

I think the real question you meant to ask is if it's healthy or a good idea.

For sure the 'new' partner has reason to be concerned. However it actually may be a good sign.

The answer comes down to what sort of relationship still exists between the EXes. If there is still a lingering unresolved shred of the old relationship, then it not a good thing for anybody. If on the other hand the old relationship didn't continue because it never blossomed beyond a friendship, continuing that friendship without trying to make a 'full blown' relationship out of it shows maturity.

Everyone's definition of 'regular' is different. I would say the relevant frequency is the same as for any friend. How often do you contact your other friends? Don't guess, go check your favorite social media site. No more than once a week doesn't seem automatically problematic. More than once a day certainly seems to indicate some kind of 'issue' though it may be more of the mental variety than one related to possible new partners.

On a practical note its just hard to sort out lingering feelings, cross intents, potential hurt feelings, misunderstandings and such. In most cases its safer (not to read better) to just let old 'failed' partners go in order to make space for a now partner.

Many times such a question has nothing to do with past partners, and everything to do with personal insecurities. With so many unknowns it's easy imagine all kinds of things. For the insecure these imaginings feed paranoia.

[Squatchit]

Hiya Ailurophile

I'm saddened to hear you had to go through a painful break-up - but it does sound like it was for the best. And I'm very pleased to hear you've since met someone who treats you right!