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My TF or just an illusion?
Hey guys*!
So, I'm new on this forum and I would really need help to figure out if whether or not, he is my TF as for me, it seems that we correspond to almost every stages of the TF. Warning, it's going to be pretty long. I try to write as clearly as I can but I think I'm in a sort of confusion now so it might feels like it in my writing.
We met around march at university just before the beginning of a lecture. I perfectly remember the first time I saw him, it was a love at first sight. We stared at each others for ten good seconds and since, I knew. I didn't know what at that moment, but I just knew I needed to get to know him better, because something was obvious even though I couldn't put words on it yet.
A few weeks after that first meeting, we started to talk by message. For the very first time in my life, I sensed that I could literally spend hours and hours talking to someone without feeling bored. And this is what happened, we spent a few weeks talking in average between 4 and 8h everyday. After that, we met outside from university for the first time just the two of us, it wasn't a date, I needed to go to the library and he came with me. We spent 6h together, just talking. How incredible was it*? Being extremely attracted to someone physically and realizing that mentally, we were on the same page. A few days after, we got our first date. It was.. intense. I don't have other words to describe it. We spent 9h together, walking, talking, kissing, cuddling. I've never ever felt that way before during a first date. For some mysterious reasons, I felt extremely confident and comfortable with him while it was only the second time we met outside from university. So obviously, everything after happened very fastly.
It was like we knew each others for decades, maybe even more, not only we had the same tastes in music, hobbies, same political views and so. But also we could relate on so many things, even our lives were extremely similars. For instance, we both have a handicapped aunt, when we were youngers (18/19 yo) our mothers guided us on a study path on which we didn't feel comfortables, therefore we had a first year after high school in a field we didn't choose and we didn't like. During the same year (2017/2018), we both went abroad to work as au pairs. After this year as au pair, we had two years where we were searching our path, our self. And now we study something we have chosen and we enjoy. That was extraordinary. It was meeting not only a love-interest but also a mirror, a friend, a comfident. He is different from everything I knew in the past. To start off, he's younger than me (2 years) and he has a lot of feminine features. With him, I learnt to be «*softer*», I felt a sort of inner peace, like if I was finally «*at home*». I'm not sure how I could better describe it. It was extremely intense and at the same time the sweetest thing I've ever known. I'm extremely empathetic and I can sens what people feel, their emotions and read through them pretty easily but it takes quite time to do so obviously. Again, with him it was different, I could read him like an open book and I showed openly my emotions and feelings to him. It was somehow opening our minds to someone, feeding each other's souls, giving and accepting what the other had to offer.
After our first date, when I asked him to meet him again, he told me «*yes but in a more casual way*». When we spoke about that afterwards, he told me that he panicked because when he thought about something in a serious way, he started to think about marriage and so. But he said that for the first time in his life, he wanted to give a real try with someone.
Unfortunately, a few weeks after we decided to give a try, many issues occured in his life. Moreover, I learnt that he had serious mental illnesses. And he decided to stop, three weeks after we decided to give a try. «*You and me, giving a try, I would like to stop, I don't feel comfortable*» he pretty much said. Again, for the very first time in my life, I've never felt that much devastated, literally. I spent weeks crying during the night. Not only I didn't understand what could be wrong between him and me (physically we were compatibles, attracted to each others and we had a lot of conversations) but also why I was in that state for something which lasted a few weeks with someone I knew for only a few months. It felt like a part of my soul, of my body was teared off.
We decided to keep in touch. However I though it was just you know, in order to be polite and that after a few weeks we would fall out. But.. during the next two months after he decided to stop, we kept talking in average between 3 and 6h almost everyday. I kept crying because I kept wondering why he decided to stop while we had such a strong connexion, I was a wreck, mentally and physically. I spent so many nights questioning myself if it was real or if I wanted to see a connexion because I was still under the chock of the breakup, because maybe after all, I didn't really value him as person but I was just attracted and just living a sort of «*honeymoon*» phase.
After all those months talking while we were supposed not to be together anymore, I felt done. So I wrote to him a letter of two pages where I talked about how I lived the situation since the day we met until the moment I wrote the letter. I sent it through messenger and after I blocked and deleted him from everywhere. Because I couldn't afford keep talking to him and doing like nothing happened between us. Every times we talked during those few months things were still very intenses (I mean, who keeps talking for 6h on almost a daily basis to someone you said you didn't want to be with anymore while it's only been a few months you've known each other*?), we had a sort of inconscious flirt i think. It just got me totally nuts. I never keep in touch with someone who dumped me or simply with someone when it's over. Normally. With him again, it was different. At the beginning I thought it was just to be polite but I realized, I really valued him, not only because I was extremely attracted to him but also because we understood each other on a spiritual level I've never had with anyone before. We could talk about some of our deepest fears and the other was here, «*I hear you, I understand you, you're not alone*» was the feeling I always had when we talked. But I missed him, he was here but not entirely. It was knowing you have a strong connexion with someone who's also physically attracted to you but not being able to be physically close to that person. And it was really consumming.
After sending to him this letter and blocking him from everywhere, I thought I could be relieved, as it has always been my pattern after a breakup and it was a sign that I was ready to move on. How wrong I was. I spent the next month feeling even more low than after he decided to stop. That was horrible. It felt like the half of me got extracted. I felt so wrong, so.. empty. And god knows that I kept myself extremely busy during that time. I even went onto some dating apps, I tried to date different guys but it always failed. I couldn't stop thinking about him. I didn't know what to do, I thought that erasing him from my life would relieve me but I just ended up missing him even more. I wanted to see him, to tell him how much I loved him and I didn't know how to do it.
Although a few weeks ago, we ran into each others in the subway by a pure chance. And.. waouh, literally. When I saw him, it was again a love at first sight. Before that meeting, I imagined a lot of scenarios where we would meet. And I wondered that maybe if we had to meet again I would feel nothing for him, which would be normal, after all, we spent only 3 weeks giving, almost 4 months he decided to stop and 1 month without talking to each other. Nothing of that scenario happened. Not only it was a love at first sight again, but we also spent 1h30 talking together. We did everything, maybe inconsciously, to make last the conversation. When I saw him, I felt complete again, it was finally finding that missing part lost for so many times.
Once I came back at home, I messaged him, telling him that I was really happy for seeing him and that I didn't mean to block him after telling him what I felt for him because I really valued him as person. I expected him to tell me either I was just a friend he liked and he wanted to keep talking or that he didn't feel the same way for me and therefore he didn't want to keep in touch with me. Nothing of that happened. Instead he just replied that he «*understood*», he was happy for seeing me as well and didn't say a word about the letter. Instead he just kept the conversation and we talked for 2h.
Today I don't really know where we are, on which stage we are situated. This is why I write this very long message here. Because I'm extremely confused about what I'm supposed to do, if we are twin flames or not. I drew the tarot and every times it gave me cards such as the moon, the empress, the world, the sun, the star, the justice or the strenght and nothing else. I even asked another tarot reader and she told me that he was my twin flame, that we were extremely fusional and that was the reason why we both freaked out a lot. Even our birth charts are extremely compatibles. We have a lot placements saying that we are made for a long and lasting relationship, marriage have strong chances to occur and that our minds are strongly connected. I even re-did the synastry with my ex-boyfriends to see that if he was the exception or if with some of my exes I already had that kind of astrological connexion. Turns out that no, I never had that and he was the only one with who it happened. However I still have some doubts, isn't too «*good to be true*»*? How comes it could still feel that intense with him*?
Honestly, I know he's kind of conscious that we have a strong connexion, he told me that for him either, what happens/happened between us never happened in the past with anyone else. What makes me extremely frustrated and still a bit mad is that he seemed to «*refuse*» that connexion, to literally run away from it. On a positive note although, since we have restarted to talk again, I felt less confused, I'm feeling more in tune with myself. And even though I'm aware of that intensity, I feel like that I'm more.. «*free*»*? In the sens that I ask less questions to myself, I have a better «*understanding*», I feel more connected. For example, last week I sensed something was wrong with him, I felt kind of «*depressed*» while it's not something I usually feel. Turns out that he's going through a serious depression for two weeks now. I don't know how to express it more properly. But still, I would totally fancy some external opinions haha.
Thank you in advance for everyone who will read my message!
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