Twin Flame or not

[Nfinity]

Hello everyone, I just joined because I'm trying to find some logic and reason to my insanity and I was never like this or felt this way towards anyone.

I am at a loss here because I'm so confused, hurt, in pain, lost, I have never felt this way in my life about anyone. I would like to explain my story and maybe someone can give me their two cents. If you would be kind to read it through because I know it might be long but I really need some answers or advices.

Past few years I was going through a really difficult time personally. I have lost my mother 8 years ago and 3 years ago my father. I'm hard working, single 39 year old guy and even though I've moved from Europe and fought my way into new life completely alone here in the States I've felt really down after they passed.

At the end of 2015, I went to Europe to try to see what's left of my family cousins, and try to reconnect with myself and get myself out of these hard times I had.

I was still feeling bad about life in general and felt alone at the end of my visit to Europe and were sitting one day just trying to watch some funny videos on Facebook. This is where I accidentally saw her online on Facebook through comments section and it was like a lightning bolt hit me. It's important that you, who read this, understand that I never hooked up nor pursued women online at all. But as I accidentally was laughing at this video, I hovered over her name because her comment was just under mine and when I saw her it was indescribable. I felt something so strong toward her, the feeling that this was the woman I've been waiting for my whole life. She was not dressed provocatively, quite the contrary, she was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, looking at her eyes I could feel everything with her, and I felt something from within me, a feeling I've never experienced before. It was so strange. I couldn't understand why I was so drawn to her. I fell in love with her in a moment.

I've never believed in soulmates, twin flames or anything like that, but my God I knew she was the woman I wanted to be together with until the end of my life. What's worse is that I saw she was in Sweden, and me being in the States, and i wouldn't even consider a person that far away the way I am, but when I saw her, I knew that I would fly half the world just for a chance to see her. Nothing else mattered.

So I sent her a message, and just briefly I told her that when I saw her she took my breath away. That I couldn't explain it but that it was the truth and that I hope she would have an amazing day.

She answered the next day and I started talking to her. On top of everything I wrote to you guys, she told that she was getting divorced after 13 years of marriage, she told me that her husband was emotionally abusive, that she has 2 kids, one of which has special needs and so on. Needless to say a lot of guys would write it off, but I just didn't care. That strong feeling towards her was so powerful that it didn't matter one iota that she had kids, quite the contrary.

As I was careful not to lose her, I was traveling back to the States and all I could think of was her and when I should buy the ticket to go over to Stockholm to ask her out for dinner even if that meant that she might not want to go or that I would travel half the world to stay there for 2 days to have a chance to meet her.

We continued talking online, and it was immediately obvious that there was such a strong connection between us and we started getting more intimate and intimate and we started talking on camera.

We were talking every day, going to bed, waking up to each other, especially because it was difficult because of time difference. We started having feelings towards each other and such a strong passion and love for each other was hard to describe. We were talking about getting together, her moving to the States and trying to figure out how to make it happen. We started telling each other that we love each other. It was something I've never done before.

This lasted for almost 4 months. I would have gone right away, but I was stuck in the middle of some issues with my house, some mortgage mess and to be perfectly honest I was a bit afraid how she would see me in person as I was overweight and I was on a diet so we postponed me going there until March (we started communicating in November). Btw, I guess if it means anything, I started communicating with her on 11.11.2015, we grew more and more intimate and the moment where it was clear something was going was on 11.22. 2015. These two dates were really present in my mind and kind of key moments from the moment we started communicating.

Around February, she really wanted me to come and bought the plane ticket for me while I was sleeping. During these 4 months she was going through the divorce, lots of difficult moments, I tried to help as much as I could, both financially and any way I could, try to be there for her even this far away and tried to do everything to not see her struggle, and the date was approaching for me to fly over there.

This is where she started growing distant, she was turning some of the things I would say and twisting them as if I said them in a negative way, basically it just felt right away that I have lost her. This kept going on, I postponed my trip in March for April and it just kind of started going to hell. She had to go on a trip back to our home country (since she is from the same country I am originally from) to deal with some estates regarding the divorce, and I have not talked to her in almost a day and being concerned I contacted some of her family. This angered her even more, she told me that I was acting like her ex-husband, trying to control her, etc etc and was turning everything I have done for her out of love into something bad. It was terrible. I was completely devastated.

Needless to say from that point on, our communication was minimal, we didn't talk on camera anymore, and it was just getting more and more distant.

In the end, we got into an argument, I said somewhat hurtful things as a reaction to her's towards me, that she never cared about me, that she cares more about some other things than what we talked about and what we meant to each other and this is where it ended. She completely cut me off and stopped talking to me.

This destroyed me. Like someone took my soul and split it open. I can't explain it any other way. I had this incredible feeling inside of me that I still need to fight for us, I felt she still may have some feelings towards me but that there was something going on.

I wrote to her on email as that was the only thing she didn't block, every couple of weeks, trying to tell her that I was sorry for some of the things I said, that I still cared for her and loved her and missed her. Trying to analyze. Doing everything wrong. I told her sister and she knew, that I would still try to come to Stockholm and wait for her in the coffee shop and that I hope she would show up to see me. So I went there. I waited for 3 days, and she never showed up. Not that I expected it, but was hoping for.

Even after this, where anyone sane (and I do consider myself logical and objective) would say screw it, nobody is worth this, I still loved her. As crazy as it sounds. I have never ever done anything for anyone like this. I have lost my head. I have lost my heart. I was depressed, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat yet all I wanted was for her to be happy.

Many synchronicities were happening, she was posting something on social media with photos, I would see that we posted very similar things. It was surreal. It was like this from the beginning by the way, similar songs we would post, similar things we would find funny and post about without even talking to each other.

I still wrote her an email from time to time to tell her I miss her, which is the last thing I should have done as a grown man, which I totally know and I was a pillar to all my friends telling them and advising them in life to be themselves. And then, after one of the emails I sent while I was in Hawaii for a vacation, months after she stopped communicating with me, I just wrote that I am in the most beautiful place on earth, and that I saw a couple that were together 50 years together and that I felt and thought it would be us like that.

After this email, she was sooooo angry, infuriated, she wrote me back after months of silence and no responses to my previous emails, and wrote the most vile email I could imagine. She knew so much about me, I was open with her unlike with anyone else, she knew what I was like, and in that last email she said everything that would hurt me so much. That she is happy with someone else that I should never ever contact her again, that I'm unstable, and many awful things. This completely destroyed me. This woman I love with my soul unlike anyone else, I mean I dream about her, I feel such intense love for her that I am still reeling from it all, that she could hurt me so much and tell me hurtful things just for telling her that I missed her and loved her, utterly destroyed me.

And it's been almost a year now, since she ran away, and my life is back on track, I'm successful, I have so many good things happening, I feel things are going well, but I can't look at another woman and still want her and her alone. Even after everything she did and said. I go to bed and wake up missing her and thinking about her.

Also, I forgot to mention that as she stopped talking to me initially, and grew distant, I started seeing repeating numbers so often. Especially 1s (111, 1111), 2s (222/2222), 3s and 5s. And many times 1122, 1133, 1144, 1155. I never really knew about numbers, numerology or anything of sorts, but it was so noticeable that I had to look it up and this is how I started reading about angel numbers, twin flames, etc etc. Even today, thinking about her, seeing some of her photos with her son, I went to bed after a whole nighter of work, and I went to bed around 9am, I woke up TWICE for no reason. The phone didn't ring, I would have slept in the whole day really since it was not a busy day and I finished the project for a client, but I woke up and looked at the clock and both times I woke up with 1s. I woke up once at 11:11, thinking about her, and then again at 1:11. Out of the blue.

I am at a loss, please tell me if I'm crazy, stalker and lunatic even though I was never ever like this, some people tell me that she might be a narcissist and that she was simply using me and that I should be happy she is out of my life. But why then, I can't explain why I can't forget about her. Why I felt about her something so strong the second I saw her. Why I post things on my Instagram and take photos, and she does the exact same things or posts similar things (yes I look at her sometimes from a different account to see that she is happy and ok especially with her daughter), why I feel empty without her, why I would forgive her anything, and feel my soul is split apart even a year after everything. I just don't see it going away. And I am pretty sure she is with someone else now, or was even with a few different people, and I'm not jealous or angry in any way, I just feel such a profound feeling of loss and sadness when I saw it so clearly waking up with her every morning, telling her that I love her, caressing her hair and kissing her softly until we grow old.

Please tell me sincerely your thoughts. Am I imagining everything, being weak (even though I was never weak and always fought my way through life with everything I got), is this a true of false twin flame experience. I don't know how to let go. It just keeps coming back and I feel it will never go away. I just don't care about other women even though I've been contacted and asked out, there is only her and she doesn't want anything with me anymore and it is devastating me.

Thank you for reading if you got this far.

Many thanks!

[Kalika]

No you are not crazy.

Hello Nfinity, and welcome.

Sincerely?

Well, you aren't crazy, as HeartChakra points out. I'd say you need to venture a lot closer (empathetically) - need more time - before you can confirm her a twin flame or not. It's a label and you aren't alone in going through this torment.

You need to keep your feet on the ground though. Her situation, unpleasant as it is, is far from ideal. Look toward the practicalities of spending your life with her. You'll likely need a lot of patience.

She hasn't spent 13 years + in an abusive relationship for no reason. The Swedes are very keen on welfare so she could have broken away a lot sooner. (The ordinary Swede pays about 40% basic income tax rate to cover welfare.) How come, then? Why did she stay?

If she does break away from an unpleasant but comfortably secure relationship she's likely to go through some emotional turmoil with which you'd have to be very patient.

Next, the kids. Are you ready to take on the responsibility of supporting the kids as well as her - not necessarily financially but morally: you will have appeared in their mum's life. They'll be wary of the unknown. Will you be able to cope with a child with special needs. This can seriously debilitate someone unused to living with such a child. (There's a case quite close to me - well, my parents' place - of a man marrying a women who has such a child and it's already broken up - no need to go into the story now but basically the guy's patience ran out).

So there's a lot to take into account (as seen from outside, like me, here). In your situation I'd give it time. At least wait until her divorce is through and see how she gets on.

Your personal feelings toward her are yours - not hers. She may feel the same now, she may not. She may change as a result of freedom. She may not - the change could be a retreat - or not. As things are, with no confirmation of any aspect of the future you may believe you're "in love" but do you really know her yet? Are your feet firmly enough on the ground to think of a whole life relationship with someone you have yet to get to know?
Appearances and words are one thing. Living with people with their habits and deeds is another.

I wish you well and send hopes for your patience and peace. As they say, pax tecum.

...

[shoni7510]

Hello Nfinity and thank you for sharing your story with us. You are not crazy but you are crazy in love. I would think that your woman has moved on so you need to do likwise. Take it one day at a time and before you know it you will be over her. The synchronicities are there and maybe you are even twin flames but if it hurts so much you better let go.

[LadyMay]

I'm sorry about your experience. The emotion of love can make us act in crazy ways. I've been there.

I don't think you are crazy though, but when you experience this depth of feeling for the first time most people have no clue how to handle it. Your heart was burst open for the first time and now you have to learn how to pick up the pieces and keep going.

As for her behaviour, you have to understand she recently came out of a marriage with an abusive man. That leaves its scars, and I can speak as someone who grew up with a narcissist. There is the trauma and you have a tendency to project those feelings onto every guy afterwards if you're not aware of yourself.

In a sense, a person who has just come out of a narcissistic relationship can appear very narcissistic themselves, even whilst not being narcissistic. It's just part of being narcissistically wounded. I have been there. You internally identify with the narcissist as a way to cope, but eventually (unless you are too damaged and actually become narcissistic), as the trauma heals you grow out of it.

Probably something about you triggered her traumas, regardless of whether you are a decent guy or not. Remember that this was a long distance thing between you both and there is more space for her to use you as an unconscious mirror for all her shiz.

The thing I would encourage is that just because this was the only time you have ever felt such intense and deep love, doesn't mean it's the last time you will. It didn't work out. So you need to give yourself time to heal, and pray or use law of attraction to manifest another soulmate/twinflame who will be more ready to share that kind of depth with you this time.

Long distance relationships rarely work out. Remember that next time before your heart gets too invested.

[Nfinity]

Thank you everyone for responses.

@Estelwen

This was the first and the last time this will ever happen. She was the first and last that I opened up to this much because I felt something so strong towards her and naive as it sounds trusted her even though I really didn't even know her. It was surreal how much I was drawn to her.

@Lorelyn

I was thinking about all those things. Btw, her divorce was final just before our initial plans for me to go there.

And she definitely doesn't feel the same. She made that abundantly clear and in addition being with other men and having fun clearly shows that she doesn't feel the same and that she moved on, I'm aware of that. It seems I'm the only one who really had true feelings towards her. It just all felt so real. I'm usually an excellent judge of character and can spot when someone is faking feelings or is fake not to mention that I don't fall in love that easily either.

As for kids and her daughter with special needs, and her, I have thought about that quite a bit while we were romantic. Every day. And even though I was never in situation like that, I know myself. I'm a Taurus, I would have moved mountains for them until I croaked and she knows it, I guess in the end she just didn't care. I have gone through some horrible things in life, wars, changing continents, being completely alone against all odds, from nothing to being fairly successful in my work to dealing with a lot of stuff. If I know anything, I know myself, and I would have given everything to them. She knew that.

And in the end, I felt I was really discarded like the worst person in the world. Every single good thing I did and tried to do she turned around as if I was doing them for some ulterior motives when all I wanted was to see her and her kids happy.

I never felt something like that towards someone that I would have given everything up for them. Honestly, I was even thinking of leaving 15 years of everything I built in the States, contacts, business connections, everything and move to Sweden just to be with her if the situation would require it.

Yes, I know it sounds crazy. I sound crazy to myself, but it is strange that I know myself and that I would have never gone crazy about someone that would cloud my judgment, but from the first second I saw her, the first second I saw her smile on the camera and all the time we were romantic and in each other's lives I felt somehow complete. It's hard to explain it.

I felt as if she was the same as me. That I could feel her when she was sad, even today, there are moments during the day when I think about her that I'm overwhelmed with sadness, sometimes with joy and I don't know what's going on with her life and what she is doing and whether or not it really is like that, but I have never felt in my life a connection with someone like that.

That's what makes it especially painful and why her words really destroyed me. If it was ANYONE else, I would have told them to f-off and completely forgot about them. I broke up with a girlfriend of 3 years that was a good person and would have never told me anything horrible and I was feeling down for a few weeks and moved on. And we really cared for each other.

But with this woman, holy smokes, not even full 4 months long distance, and here it is a year passed and I cannot recover at all. It's like I lost a piece of me.

I guess I was trying to find some explanation as to why I felt and feel this way. I think the worst part is that I am still holding on some crazy hope that fate will make us reunite, that she will communicate with me, she will contact me and I will have a chance to give her a hug and kiss her, hold her tight so she can truly feel how I feel about her.

But rationally, I know that's never going to happen and that we are done. She might as well be on another planet and that I would be well off trying to tell myself that it was nothing. But not sure how. The soul and heart still want her after all the terrible things she said.

It is really bizzare. And I'm not really depressed, I look forward to stuff I do, I look forward to enjoying going out for dinner or hanging out with friends, or planning to move to another city, it's just that I still have emptiness inside of me because she is no longer in my life and it just won't go away.

As @shoni7510 says, I need to come to terms that she moved on and is living her life as if I never existed. Because that's how she feels and she said it. I'm still puzzled why she would hate me so much, I really didn't do anything to her, quite the opposite, I have given her everything and tried to give everything and yet, I ended up being worst of the worst. The one seemingly that hurt her the most.

I don't know. All I know is that no matter how hard I try to move on and tell myself she is gone and never existed or that it was just an entertaining few months, everything else inside me screams otherwise. And that's the hardest thing to shake off.

[LadyMay]

Originally Posted by Nfinity

Thank you everyone for responses.

@Estelwen

This was the first and the last time this will ever happen. She was the first and last that I opened up to this much because I felt something so strong towards her and naive as it sounds trusted her even though I really didn't even know her. It was surreal how much I was drawn to her.

I'd be careful of those intense love at first sight 'fated' feelings. Smells of karma to me.

[Nfinity]

Originally Posted by Estelwen

I'd be careful of those intense love at first sight 'fated' feelings. Smells of karma to me.

When you say karma do you mean it is coming back to me about something I have done to someone else?

My whole life I've never hurt anyone in this way I can tell you that, if anything I've been hurt. I have always been careful with other people's emotions. Always cared for them and in the end I always ended up disappointed. And that's ok, and this is why I stopped fully trusting people and keeping to myself and when she came along I felt something about her that I finally opened up again because I have not felt that towards anyone else in a way. I guess it's completely insane to think that love and twin flames can connect when you are not in close physical proximity to someone. But that's the reality of life I guess not really a spiritual thing.

And if it's karma, I'm not sure what exactly I am paying for.

So from responses so far, I'm kind of concluding that this twin flame thing is really not real but a convenient excuse for obsession I had for some woman I saw online for 4 months trusting she was sincere? It's kind of obvious, it's not like I didn't know that and questioned it a million times even though I've never before looked nor pursued someone like that. Why her and I've seen plenty of beautiful women online is I guess just my bad luck.

In the end, I'm still at a loss why I felt so strongly about her or why she felt familiar or why she felt so close to me after only a few days of talking when I never acted this way before and that everything I've read about runners is kind of nonsense and it's probably the fact that she found someone else and dumped me when I didn't serve her purpose anymore. Her telling me that she called on me and prayed that God or Universe would send me her way in one of our conversations, kind of the same way I felt towards her, that we both had experiences where people, astrologists and other mambo jumbo was describing us and everything about us to detail that we would meet at that time of our lives was really a convenient hook. I guess I believed it. How naive I guess.

I should have not tried finding some alternate answers to questions I already knew the answers to and instead of trying to find some deeper meaning to it all. I never really believed in astrology, numerology and the whole soulmate thing. I guess astrology was the closest thing I kind of accepted as every day thing. And now when this, I guess, expected thing happened to me, I was trying to find explanation why I felt this strongly about someone but I guess there's always first time for everything.

I guess it's time to get back to reality and stop deluding myself with this nonsense and first and foremost work on myself so this never happens again and I'm not easily tricked I guess.

Thank you everyone who chimed in. I'm glad I got some honest responses here that really convinced me that it's nothing more but me deluding myself. I guess I needed to hear that.

[LadyMay]

No, I have a weird view of karma. You haven't done anything wrong.

I would like to expand but I'm pressed for time. I think moving on is the best thing to do, since you have no choice.

[clueless]

Nfinity
hey :)

I see some similarities between your experience and mine, so I'm writing because of that.
I want to write things I wish somebody wrote me long time ago, so if this doesn't resonate with you -I'm sorry - in a way I'm just trying to help in a way I only knew how.

Similarities are, just to go quickly over that part, I met my TF long time ago, before the internet, over the phone. We hit it immediately, it was like I know him all my life, like I already been thru all that, like a dejavu, strange feeling of belonging, joy of me finding him etc... He reported same things to his friends, some of them I met since he insisted and so on...
Other similarities: us both me and him, never expected this to happen, strange place, strange time but feeling of belonging was there...

Other similarity later when we start dated in a strange way since he was married, was that sometimes he would twist my words and intentions and I felt devastated and betrayed. The more I tried to help, being helpful, full of love etc. the more he as you said "twisted my words and my actions" (I like how you wrote this, since those are words I would say about my TF too, it was almost you made me remember what I had in mind as one of things he done to me)

Other similarity is also this feeling you have now and you had, first feelings of belonging being close to each other even though you never met (we both had those before start seeing each other), later this feeling of devastation and unbelievable loss (I had this feeling of unimaginable loss every time we lost contact during years we just spoke over the phone, even though it was hard to explain to others since "we never seen each other in real life" so people were dismissive at least to say that, about my pain and how I felt.

Also, I considered myself a rational person and I actually never had that much space in my soul or in my mind for anybody else but him.


Things I wish somebody told me back then, instead of "get over it, move on, live you life, it's all make-believe"
I wish somebody told me that it is ok to feel that way, that my pain is something that matters and shouldn't be dismissed or make fun of or analyze on a semi-psychological bases.
So Im going to say to you: your feelings matter not just to you, they matter they just do.
I don't know how to explain this, I dont know what other words to use, but I just want you to know (things I wish somebody would tell me way back when) you matter, your pain matters, your feelings matter even though your feelings are for a person you never met, your feelings still matters.

Don't let people especially ones in real life, who always suppose to act all rational and "harshly sane" to pour over you semi-psychological analysis and to make you like you have to "move on" and prove to them that you moved on by taking actions to show them that.

Don't go to the another side of the spectrum, in the another corner of your experience and try to become all-rational "I have to move on, I have to do this and that, it was all nonsense, it was all a lie" - since this type of mode you are going to get yourself is going to be harsh on your soul.

Just accept this experience and in a way embrace it, I don't know how, I don't have any kind of recipe for that, I just know for sure, that I needed to hear everything except for "move on, forget it, let it go" stuff....


I wish that life brings you amazing stuff, love, happiness and joy :)

One more thing, some TF authors are been saying that TF runners have this fear of being rejected by gods or universe so that was one of the reason they are running. I dont know about the runners.

But I as a TF chaser had this feeling of being rejected by god, universe and the whole world (even though I wasn't that religious in the 1st place) every time my TF rejected me or put on a wall or pull off and would start being all cold and distant.
Also, similarity between our situation was that he would act like he hates me like (Im his worse enemy even though back then I done nothing other than to help him and be there for him and to love him)
(Also, it is hard to explain that type of rejection since it is not something you can rationally compensate in real life such as "I'm gonna get this promotion/new house/get vacation so I wont feel rejected by universe" it wasn't that simple)


So if you feel like that - just to let you know, others are felt like that too.
This notion that I'm not the only one feeling all those of feelings helped me feeling more grounded and secure, so I hope this helps you too :)

Hope this helps you a little bit :)