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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Soulmates & Twin Flames

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  #1  
Old 12-05-2021, 11:28 AM
BunnyJen90
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Fish How Can I Make Relationship More Serious

I have a boyfriend who I have been dating for a little over a year now. He's a really nice guy and all, but he doesn't want a more serious relationship at least not yet and our relationship seems more like a friendship to others then a romantic relationship. Maybe part of the problem is he's really shy and introverted. Despite this I feel I can be more open to him than most other people about certain things. It seems though he's afraid to open up to me and others for fear of seeming awkward. However, I really don't find him that awkward and sometimes I wish I had his sense of humor since I'm often too serious. Anyway I keep telling myself that he will eventually want a more serious relationship and that this is just a test of my patience since I can often be impatient. Also I don't want to force him into a more serious relationship until he feels comfortable. I'm not the type of girl to force a guy into a more serious relationship. However I would like this relationship to be more of a romantic relationship then a frienship. My mom even says we are more friends than boyfriend and girlfriend at the moment. My boyfriend and I were good friends for a few years before we started dating, but it seems even though we are dating now it seems we are still only good friends to other people. Also to be honest I would like more attention and affection from my boyfriend, but at the same time I don't want to push it any faster then he is comfortable with. Any advice on how I can make this relationship a little more serious without making my bf uncomfortable and sorry if this post is kind of long.
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  #2  
Old 12-05-2021, 09:06 PM
RedEmbers RedEmbers is offline
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He sounds dismissive and avoidant from what limited info I have read. It could also be true that his authentic self is not aligned to a more intimate relationship at this time or that you are incompatible based on what your individual needs are for a long term relationship.

One thing you could do, which will help to crystalise if or not this relationship is meant to work the distance and with intimacy is BE 100 percent yourself, all the vulnerable parts.

encourage him about the things you appreciate about him, if you really appreciate those moments of affection, tell him and also tell him how it makes you feel happy, safe, secure, connected ect, whatever, in your own words.
Create a feeling of safety for yourself to BE yourself and also him to be HIMSELF and learn to accept him for who he is while also gently reminding and often if need be him of your own desires and needs.

The thing with this though, is it requires you to have your eye's and heart wide open to the reality of who you both are and if through you giving it your best shot, you discover that you are incompatible, then be prepared to lovingly move towards someone who you are compatible with.

You will then take with you, the peace of knowing the truth and the inner knowing that you did your best.

If being 100 percent yourself works then great, bonus. If it is meant to be it will be.


Maybe also ask yourself why you feel comfort in a relationship with someone who is more distant from you then you wish for yourself...
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  #3  
Old 12-05-2021, 09:48 PM
MysticalShaman MysticalShaman is offline
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You both sound really young.
Maybe he’s scared to be intimate that way?

Only thing you can do is talk to him.
Tell him how you feel.
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  #4  
Old 13-05-2021, 12:53 AM
BunnyJen90
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Thanks RedEmbers. It could be that we are not ready for and intimate relationship yet. I use to be very closed and didnt open up to a relationship until about 5 years ago when I started college. Also I'm still a little afraid to be myself around him as I don't completely know how he would feel especially with how dramatic I can be at times. But then again I feel if it is meant to be then he will accept me despite how dramatic I can be. Honestly I don't really know why I crave so much affection especially from him at times. I'm not really the desperate type. I like getting attention and affection but I don't think I need it all the time. But then again it's normal I guess to want some attention every now and then.
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  #5  
Old 13-05-2021, 05:57 AM
asearcher
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Hi, what do you mean with "more serious"? Could it be a communication problem? I know it is obvious to you what you mean but maybe he don't follow you? If you two were close friends before the romantic relationship you should have the foundation of being real and honest and just sit by yourself and talk about it? I don't know your age either? Sometimes it can be the case of him planning perhaps to go through an education or want a specific job and does not have the financial ground to stand on to perhaps be in the position where it is a "good move" for you two to have your own place? I'm just mentioning an example, I don't know your situation.

One of the worst thing that can happen is that his action, his words are read to you as in him not loving you enough to get serious, so I would say you two really need to have a talk and try to see each other's perspective.

Of his personality trait - how is his family dynamic? Are they like that? These are just some questions you need to ask yourself (not answering me on this public forum), If someone is introverted usually mean someone in the family is a narcissist or close too, that he has a trusting issue, that you can get close - but not that close, you know what I mean? Could be he hasn't been taught to be any different, or aware or know the possibility of it.

I understand the need for affection and signs from him that he loves you, now when he has made you feel insecure. If one feels insecure in a relationship it is as if one goes from blossoming to withering, all sorts of inner processes start happening, signs saying this is not healthy for you.

I reacted on something you wrote that you too were careful not to show the other side/emotion of you as if you think you are too much. You are not too much. You are reacting to something unhealthy, something that is not resolved between you.

In every relationship but especially I would say the romantic kind you have to get real practical. You have to talk about the phase of the relationship, the speed, and what the relationship means to the both of you and what you hope to accomplish with it, that way you get each other. Sometimes one could be moving too fast in comparision to the other, sometimes it is the other way around, this why you need to have the talk. This is two lives coming together. There is so much we take for granted and we can't read thoughts, so it is easily there is a vulnerability and misunderstandings. There has to be left a space where the partner has to have a time to melt things too, to see it from the other perspective.

It can be he takes much for granted and is relaxed in the relationship with you why he forgets to be more romantic. That he does not understand that he is the one causing insecurity. So you got to talk to him about it.

I've told someone in the past that the price that I am to pay because I loved that someone is for me to feel inferior, insecure and not enough, is too much a price to pay. he had not seen it like that at all but when I pointed out why he understood and thought it was terrible and was sorry. But that is something that the love-business has taught me. You have to feel good about yourself and you can't be with someone who make you insecure where as you are not insecure in other relationships.

You could be so blunt to ask him are you just with me until you find something better? put him on the spot, make him understand something is wrong, but knowing he and you too can make it right together. You got to talk. that you know your own worth and this is not OK, this does not fly with you. That you would not treat him or anyone else like that.

All blessings to you, I know, relationships can be so difficult sometimes

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  #6  
Old 13-05-2021, 06:45 AM
A human Being A human Being is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BunnyJen90
Honestly I don't really know why I crave so much affection especially from him at times.
It may well be worth your while to inquire into this - next time you notice yourself craving affection, bring your attention into your body and notice what you're feeling, where you might be feeling tight and tense, and allow those areas to relax and breathe. There's often some sort of trauma at the root of such desires, and being present with ourselves in this way can start to heal it (it may also start to make us conscious of just how much feeling we've been bottling up, but this is just part of the process, as concerning as it may initially be).

That's not to say, by the way, that there's necessarily anything wrong with desiring intimacy, just that it depends on what sort of place the desire is arising from - if it's coming from a needy place, say, it's almost certainly going to cause issues in the relationship (eg. codependency) at some point.
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  #7  
Old 13-05-2021, 08:32 AM
RedEmbers RedEmbers is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BunnyJen90
Thanks RedEmbers. It could be that we are not ready for and intimate relationship yet. I use to be very closed and didnt open up to a relationship until about 5 years ago when I started college. Also I'm still a little afraid to be myself around him as I don't completely know how he would feel especially with how dramatic I can be at times. But then again I feel if it is meant to be then he will accept me despite how dramatic I can be. Honestly I don't really know why I crave so much affection especially from him at times. I'm not really the desperate type. I like getting attention and affection but I don't think I need it all the time. But then again it's normal I guess to want some attention every now and then.
It is quite normal to desire affection, that is human. Not desperate, we all have our own levels in regards to how much attention we need and desire. Hopefully, we can find a relationship where these needs are compatible.

I can relate, I am not the desperate type either, I push love away in fact, though my need for closeness is a hunger in the background.

The right person for me understands this need and desires to be close to me too and they will express their love in their own unique way.

I wonder, how dramtic you may think you are versus, how you percieve and dispell your own needs?

I often think that I am entirely dramatic, all I am is a person who desires to be loved and understood, much like many other human beings desire much the same for themselves. I feel more dramatic when I there is a relational miss match or misunderstanding in terms of needs.
My dramatic side is simply informing me of a need, trying to get my attention.

When I look at it from this perspective, I understand myself to be, just another normal human being who desires and deserves to feel loved.

It makes sense to me that I would act in certain ways which make me feel "desperate" from this perspective, I am simply trying to satisfy a very real need for connection.


I am simply a human, in need of love and that is nothing to feel ashamed of.
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  #8  
Old 13-05-2021, 12:24 PM
BunnyJen90
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I think one of the main reasons I desire so much attention is because I was given a lot of attention by my parents as a young kid and now as an adult living on my own I'm really missing that. I still visit my parents when I can since I live near by but still now that I'm an adult the attention isn't the same. Also like I mentioned earlier I was very closed as a teenager and didn't start opening back up until about 5 years ago when I started college so I feel like I'm missing out on affection. As for why my bf is so shy I asked and apparently he is bullied online. Though I haven't asked him about when he was in school he was probably bullied then too. I have told him that people online are usually mean and that I actually like how awkward he can be at times. I even told him that I wish I had his sense of humor since I can be so serious most of the time. Maybe then I wouldn't always take things so seriously. Still he is very introverted. I think it's just part of his personality and though it can annoy me sometimes since I've learned to eventually be more outgoing. I can understand though why people would want to be alone especially when bullied as I was bullied myself as a teenager and back then wanted nothing to do with anyone. Still there is this part of me that seems desperate for intimacy. Though I know it's human nature to want affection I feel kind of ashamed of it as I'm still getting over being so closed back when I was a teenager due to being scared by sex ed.
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  #9  
Old 13-05-2021, 01:36 PM
lostsoul13 lostsoul13 is offline
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I’m a reincarnation of a twin flame and my flame can walk in and out of me (the account) when I’m a reincarnation of an avatar of just the self things can be quite lonely but I can’t get away from the fact at the core self of my I’m — im a twin flame so being alone can be a journey and lesson on its own—- I struggle with attention disorder where by I panic when I know I’m alone and that depth and hungry ghost comes to visit like jealousy—- empathy and sadness wash’s over me when I can’t grasp to be alone and the monster starts talking for the longing or the longing of being alone or separation... I must remember I’m not at all secluded but having time for the self like-wise my flame as well-: we are together at the atom state as a flame so I’m never alone or separation can be hard: whilst I reincarnate into a certain suitable avatar things can get pretty petty... gaining attention and affection at time is done on the pure fact the atom and cubits are for—- that my flame is not so far away—- just an hungry account lol I would say these things take time especially from the horizon:their flow might not be so in-tune with ours; due to horizon issues? Maybe the attention is there that your an “item” or have a label which could be a good cause to fall -back on? Sometimes affection is like talking it’s affectionate after all the keys have been checked? Or processed? Im not taking sides, just from my point-of-view ; things can be quite grumpy —- even after we mates or experience tantric :things tend to cool down from being in that entropy...I suppose that’s all we are- entropy, needs carefull consideration especially in communication— it’s always important we communicate otherwise ;heads can turn...
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  #10  
Old 13-05-2021, 03:44 PM
Altair Altair is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BunnyJen90
I think one of the main reasons I desire so much attention is because I was given a lot of attention by my parents as a young kid and now as an adult living on my own I'm really missing that.

I grew up with plenty of attention, especially as the youngest, but as an adult I like living on my own and have as few people interfere with my private life as possible, unless I plan to go somewhere. But in general I don't desire that kind of attention that I had as a kid. We can't be pampered all our lives. You're an adult woman now and you have to create your own happiness and attend to yourself.
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