Gaining my wife’s love again

[Luisk91]

Hi everyone

This is my first post here and I am glad I found this place to share my situation and hopefully get to a solution.

I have been with my wife for 3 years and we have a 1.5 year old daughter together. When we first met, we had so many things in common and shared similar dreams. By the time we felt pregnant, I did not have a job so I was very depressed and anxious. Due to this, I was not able to be there for my wife when it came to getting ready to welcome our baby. It created a wound on her but I did not even realise it. With time, issues kept building up to the point where we were losing respect for each other. She decided to start a new career life into spirituality and this made her grow as a person in a way I could not believe. She became a new person. Unfortunately, after she started this new cycle, she told me she loved me but was not in love with me so she decided to break up.

At first I received this with relief as I felt this was the best decision. However, this became the wall I hit against to realise what had just happened. I went into what people call “dark night of the soul” and realised all the mistakes I made which broke the trust between the two of us and made us feel disconnected. I am not gonna lie saying that this was all my fault but I just speak for myself as I am no one to judge somebody else. Long story short, I realised I lost my best friend,my wife, my everything. I was carrying this mask that was making me act selfishly and I was sure that what I was doing was right. I cried intensively and went into this depression stage which was also affecting my profession. After thinking and re-thinking again and again, I started to see clearly what I needed. I then questioned myself and came to the conclusion that I wanted to pursue my happiness. After picturing everything I wanted for myself and my own growth as a person, I understood that my happiness was my daughter and my wife but I was blind and could not realise what I was causing for our relationship.

We still live in the same house and have set our boundaries. I still love her with all my heart and one of the aspects I am working on is being more open minded to be involved in the things she likes (I.e spirituality). I am working on myself to be a better person for me but want to be the right one for her and my daughter. I am feeling now a little bit defeated as I am starting to think she wants to move on and not being together anymore. We have given ourselves 4 more months to really work on each other to be a better role model for our daughter who is the priority.

Sorry for the long story, my question is. Should I move on? Should I fight for what I believe my happiness is(wife and daughter)? Am I in denial phase still?? I have opened my heart completely and have apologised for my part on this. I know most of you guys are also into spirituality and wanted to get some help.

Thank you for your support
Luis

[BigJohn]

Originally Posted by Luisk91

Hi everyone

This is my first post here and I am glad I found this place to share my situation and hopefully get to a solution.

I have been with my wife for 3 years and we have a 1.5 year old daughter together. When we first met, we had so many things in common and shared similar dreams. By the time we felt pregnant, I did not have a job so I was very depressed and anxious. Due to this, I was not able to be there for my wife when it came to getting ready to welcome our baby. It created a wound on her but I did not even realise it. With time, issues kept building up to the point where we were losing respect for each other. She decided to start a new career life into spirituality and this made her grow as a person in a way I could not believe. She became a new person. Unfortunately, after she started this new cycle, she told me she loved me but was not in love with me so she decided to break up.

At first I received this with relief as I felt this was the best decision. However, this became the wall I hit against to realise what had just happened. I went into what people call “dark night of the soul” and realised all the mistakes I made which broke the trust between the two of us and made us feel disconnected. I am not gonna lie saying that this was all my fault but I just speak for myself as I am no one to judge somebody else. Long story short, I realised I lost my best friend,my wife, my everything. I was carrying this mask that was making me act selfishly and I was sure that what I was doing was right. I cried intensively and went into this depression stage which was also affecting my profession. After thinking and re-thinking again and again, I started to see clearly what I needed. I then questioned myself and came to the conclusion that I wanted to pursue my happiness. After picturing everything I wanted for myself and my own growth as a person, I understood that my happiness was my daughter and my wife but I was blind and could not realise what I was causing for our relationship.

We still live in the same house and have set our boundaries. I still love her with all my heart and one of the aspects I am working on is being more open minded to be involved in the things she likes (I.e spirituality). I am working on myself to be a better person for me but want to be the right one for her and my daughter. I am feeling now a little bit defeated as I am starting to think she wants to move on and not being together anymore. We have given ourselves 4 more months to really work on each other to be a better role model for our daughter who is the priority.

Sorry for the long story, my question is. Should I move on? Should I fight for what I believe my happiness is(wife and daughter)? Am I in denial phase still?? I have opened my heart completely and have apologised for my part on this. I know most of you guys are also into spirituality and wanted to get some help.

Thank you for your support
Luis

You mentioned "We have given ourselves 4 more months to really work on each other to be a better role model for our daughter who is the priority" which indicates to me, if I understand this right, there is still some light at the end of the tunnel. Work on your strengths and not bring up each others weaknesses.

Originally Posted by Luisk91

Hi everyone

This is my first post here and I am glad I found this place to share my situation and hopefully get to a solution.

I have been with my wife for 3 years and we have a 1.5 year old daughter together. When we first met, we had so many things in common and shared similar dreams. By the time we felt pregnant, I did not have a job so I was very depressed and anxious. Due to this, I was not able to be there for my wife when it came to getting ready to welcome our baby. It created a wound on her but I did not even realise it. With time, issues kept building up to the point where we were losing respect for each other. She decided to start a new career life into spirituality and this made her grow as a person in a way I could not believe. She became a new person. Unfortunately, after she started this new cycle, she told me she loved me but was not in love with me so she decided to break up.

At first I received this with relief as I felt this was the best decision. However, this became the wall I hit against to realise what had just happened. I went into what people call “dark night of the soul” and realised all the mistakes I made which broke the trust between the two of us and made us feel disconnected. I am not gonna lie saying that this was all my fault but I just speak for myself as I am no one to judge somebody else. Long story short, I realised I lost my best friend,my wife, my everything. I was carrying this mask that was making me act selfishly and I was sure that what I was doing was right. I cried intensively and went into this depression stage which was also affecting my profession. After thinking and re-thinking again and again, I started to see clearly what I needed. I then questioned myself and came to the conclusion that I wanted to pursue my happiness. After picturing everything I wanted for myself and my own growth as a person, I understood that my happiness was my daughter and my wife but I was blind and could not realise what I was causing for our relationship.

We still live in the same house and have set our boundaries. I still love her with all my heart and one of the aspects I am working on is being more open minded to be involved in the things she likes (I.e spirituality). I am working on myself to be a better person for me but want to be the right one for her and my daughter. I am feeling now a little bit defeated as I am starting to think she wants to move on and not being together anymore. We have given ourselves 4 more months to really work on each other to be a better role model for our daughter who is the priority.

Sorry for the long story, my question is. Should I move on? Should I fight for what I believe my happiness is(wife and daughter)? Am I in denial phase still?? I have opened my heart completely and have apologised for my part on this. I know most of you guys are also into spirituality and wanted to get some help.

Thank you for your support
Luis

Hi Luis, thank you for opening up like this, I think you have gone on a brave journey to do so and to admit where you felt you were to be blamed for your part. you two have given yourself time to try to work this out and i think that is great but I don't actually think you should have a time limit for it, just decide we are going to work on this and that is it, basta. or else you two are going to swing this way or swing that way between misery and happiness and just be two unbalanced people. as long as you have promised to be committed - be committed, and take out the time limit. To me the time limit you have set just messes up the entire process of you two being able to work it out.

I was once in a situation where I was engaged to someone and he wanted the wedding postponed or rather as he said we won't get married, so i guess that is not even postponed but canceled, to then change his mind and say he would want some time to think things through what he wanted from the relationship. I was so distraught, you don't want to know. After that i very briefly tried to play his game only to realize I could not. I could not stand taking his phone calls, to hear his voice. I could not stand seeing him. It was barely I could see him even on times we had planned before we would see each other among friends. He had come up with his idea to have me on some strange tense maybe-he-wants-to-and-maybe-he-doesn't relationship terms and I did not know what the hell we were suppose to be anymore. then I thought why is he calling all the shots here? who does he think he is? what did i ever do to deserve being treated like this? i never treated him like this, and i grew angry. and I grew proud. and I grew cold. So no, I could not play that game, to be fair I did not think he would sell us so low. All i know is that he just broke our engagement as if it was of no value.

He would later cry in front of me and he would try in other ways to get me back to play his game - but I wasn't playing. There was this thick wall there of ice. He had hurt me too much. I would have all his old words (because I have excellent hear-memory) bang in my head over and over again of his abusive words when he dumped me so gracefully to then try further humiliation to decide alone the terms of our continues relationship. He went too far.

I guess what i wish to say with that pathetic story is that it is not only one who gets to decide what the relationship is and that there is no superior or inferior if one wants a real successful relationships. He tried to place me as inferior and then change the rules again, and again...it does not work that way. Even if one is superior (and believe me he was - because in that phase in my life HE was my everything) that can change dramatically fast even if it shocks the one who think they are superior. He had been so sure of my love for him that he could treat me so badly and get away with it, but his love for me should have prevented that from happening.

Usually when people fight it is different instincts, tactics, and it is superior-inferior, and it is not that people fight - it is how they fight that will determine the outcome.

so I don't know - are you two at a stage were you are each other's equals? can you both talk and listen to each other? is it possible to get a baby sitter so the two of you get the time you need to focus fully on the relationship?

I hope everything works out for you two, I really do.

if you could please re think this 4 months business and instead say you know what, I'm gonna try, i'm gonna try as long as it takes, that will give you two the safety-zone you need in this fragile situation.

i was too pregnant with the ex baby without him knowing, it was not planned and i tried to work up the courage to tell him but was afraid he would reject the baby like he had rejected me, and i had difficulty emotionally to just see or hear him and was working on building up some strength to do that. i lost it close to the 3 months period. what I want to say with this is that i was not quite ready to fall into the bubble i did and develop like i did, emotionally, with the pregnancy and changing like i did. i've been the same throughout my pregnancies. even if the guy, the father to be, is involved, he is still somewhat out of this process as it happens within the female body and the female body is taking all the work with this and all the risks and hormones and what have you. So I can perhaps relate to your wife feeling you were outside of this process but now you can show her how much involved you are as a dad. you can never wipe out the past but you can make a great presence now and tomorrow and for the both of you to look forward. for me to just think "we" were pregnant, instead of "I", planned or not planned - the truth is this baby was just as precious regardless, and it is never just one's "fault" one gets pregnant, even if I took the blame for that too at the time (therefor saw myself as more responsible and completely shut him out out of fear of rejection or feeling continues inferior).

It sounds to me that you as a guy felt like a failure thinking you were not in the financial situation you wanted to be at when your lady was expecting and what you thought others would view you like; a failure. but you were no failure. She needed you on board with her emotionally, not financially, it seems and for you - you most likely thought financially meant you were man enough to be there for her and the baby; so it was really a misunderstanding of how different we are brought up sometimes, men and women, it's nobody's fault. You understand each other now - don't you? in the end, that is all that matters.

It sounds as if it's worth giving it a go. If you really have learned your lesson and truly come to value your wife it should be rescuable. Rather than be apologetic, show your penitence or what you've learned in gestures. Do things for her if you can. An occasional casual (rather than intense) hug. Say "thank you" even for small attentions like if she makes you a coffee or something. It acknowledges her, shows that you've noticed her. Try to enjoin with some household chores - do the evening washing up or get the morning breakfast things ready, like I don't know how you work together: maybe just laying things out, maybe taking on making the breakfast some mornings.

Anything really to show your appreciation, how important you now realise she is. And avoid depression like the plague - that doesn't enamour anyone to a person unless they're acting your therapist too. Be sunny and smile a lot. Give her just a little kiss when you wake up or when you're out of bed if you get up different moments.

Have different hobbies about which you can show a glancing interest without interfering. Give her as much space as she needs. Don't dish out orders even slantingly. Instead of saying "Aren't you going to do (whatever) today then?" Say "Should I do (whatever) today?"

If she really is spiritually developing, she'll notice and appreciate these things. She'll see you're interested in her welfare.

As for your daughter, try to appear you want to present a common front. Do things together. Above all, never appear cross or insulting about your wife to or in front of your daughter. Treat her as sacred and concentrate on duty rather than your own interests.

Maybe best to steer clear of getting too involved with her gig but if you've a mind to say something nice about some point she raises or seems to be preaching on, go ahead. Keep "discussion" at a fairly low level until things get better. You never know - she might be able to assist you to your development path. See if there are things you can learn from her.

There, I've gone on a bit....but you did ask!

Good luck.

....""Try..and fail..... But don't fail to try..""...... I wish you and your family all the very best.....

I reckon we won't see the o/p back again.
.

[LibbyScorp]

It seems you're making a good effort towards bettering your marriage. I hope the dark knight of the soul moments inspire you to be consistent with what you want to accomplish with your wife. I hope her heart opens up to you so you guys can make it all happen. Actions always speak louder than words.