Hi Sweetie!

[FallingLeaves]

hi sweetie!

i was thinking tonite
if i told you
the words
'i forgive you'
could you honestly believe that?
after everything I've done over many lifetimes?
and after I'm impossible to read anyway?

i do forgive you
so much so
that I don't even think about
how horrible things were
much
any more...

but that may or may not
be enough to change
the way we've always related

at this point
we're both used to
shutting each other out...

sigh...
-------------------------------------------------
the whole thing
though
brought up
in my mind
whether
I should ask
for you to forgive me?

as this isn't
as one sided
as I once thought...

[FallingLeaves]

i don't know how much
of what is said
is 'real'
and how much
is just something
meant to comfort me

and I don't know
how much
is 'real'
and how much
is a 'test'
to see where I stand

I have a really really hard time
with understanding
what is truly going on...

[FallingLeaves]

so as usual
Im trying not to sell my sould

the way I see it happening
in others
is

they decide to say
'i will act this way
and in return I want this'

so they spend a lot of agony
trying to make themselves act
the way they said they would act
so that they can get the reward
the envision
for their activity.

one term for this is LOA.

I call that 'selling your soul'.
trading away who you are, and who you would be
just for some sparkling shiny object that you see
off in the distance...

anyway eventually they succeed

And then they are happy for the rest of their lives

And then they die
and have to start again from scratch
---------------------------------------------------------
I never wanted that
have fought the urge like crazy
but
as it turns out
the alternative
is to just accept
the reality
for what it is
instead of making demands
for what it should be

kinda nice actually
once you've lived it a while
you maybe don't get what you want
every time you want it

but on the other hand
you don't have to go
to large amounts of effort
to make that so
either

is is kinda lonely though
since everyone else
has chosen to be
lost in the sky
--------------------------------------------------
the problem with the 'many streams' philosophy
at least for me
is if I concentrate on it,
than that idea itself
becomes the single stream I concentrate on
so while I can talk coherently
about what many streams is
and what many streams looks like
the reality is
I'm still stuck
in a single stream,
I've just decided to call it
'many streams'.

but that is the crux of it
concentrating so closely
on any one idea
gets the same...

i get lost in my thoughts
of what the reality is
and don't much mind
what my relationships to the reality are
and my thoughts about what the reality is
become the whole of
the reality I relate to.

so for something like many streams
I'm willing to say
yeah that is a very good description
for how things may be
but at the same time
if you ask me to make
it a mantra
a way of life
an activity to undertake
these days
I AM going to rebel
and seek out something else
to do with my time.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
that is the good thing
about not selling my sould
I no longer see a reason
to just blindly
go along with things
that have caused me large amounts of pain...

someitemise even i can say 'no'.
And that is a Great Treasure
to someone like me...

[FallingLeaves]

hi sweetie

once again I am so sorry

that whole thing I had going
with 'maybe later'
was wrong in oh so many ways...

but all i could see in the beginning was my own hurt

im so sorry...
------------------------------------------------------------
i haven't talked
about the blue girl
in a long time

i associate her with the 3D reality

i spent a lot of time with her at some points
after the old ways
started winding down

she helped me escape the horror
that was in how I had chosen to relate
to my twin

early in this life i was like
'no no no i don't want that
not again
don't want this to be the way it ends'

but later after I gotten a glimpse of impermance
and god convinced me there was no
perfect, happy ending
I should be striving for
that would last for ever
I was like
'ok it would be acceptable
to be with her once again'

it was really really hard saying no anyway lol

but still
I can only take so much football
and i also feel like i transfered
some of my angst with my twin
to her
so as is my usual
i was asking her too
for maybe some things
she didn't really want to give

also
I've been told some stuff about her
and I wasn't sure
either
her life's path
would be something where we could be together
this time round
--------------------------------------------------------
i am really serious
about trying to repent
trying to let others
have the space they need
to be who they are.

trying not to be so 'in your face'
with my own thoughts on things...
----------------------------------------------------------
on the other hand
my life is heavy with things in the blue realm

computers logic emotional football science...
'physicalness'
even my meditations are heavy
in things related to the 'Physical'
as opposed to looking inward
and trying to detach from
material reality

it is nothing like
the life
the twin leads
I suppose

But it has given me a taste of grounding,
and enough of an idea of how things actually work
*at least for me*
to be able to combat the twin
when she teases me
with how I am wrong
and I should do something else entirely
even though
I don't really want to
lol

kinda the water on the witches head...
-------------------------------------------------------------
for a while i also consoled myself
with something the near twin said
once upon a time

that I should go off with the blue girl
it might help her understand me
and maybe she might come visit sometime

that was believable,
because from other sayings
I had already figured out
the two of them are close...

and i think she did come visit me one time
anyway
when I was deep in the blue girls realm

I was touched when I heard that story...

but that doesn't matter so much right now

right now I'm just trying
to find a way
not to start demanding
that I should have my own way in things
once again

[FallingLeaves]

I'm also sorry
I was so mean
when I wrote
there at the beginning

honestly
I had forgotten about that
after all the years
all the communication
from you (????)
of you (????)

I don't really have an excuse
but fwiw this was well before
I learned
about
and fully accepted
my own cuplability
in matters
concerning you

so
once again
i'm sorry.

[FallingLeaves]

i don't want to interrupt
the people
who are saying
a certain thing

but I do want to share my own thoughts

'equanimity' seems a good thing
but
the way I see people use it
they are associating it
with a specific feeling
a specific sensation that they want

at least that is the way I was trained to do things

but i don't think that all there is to it

it is just as possible
in my own mind
to be equanimous
if one is deeply sad
or one is wailing in pain

or if one is absurdly joyful
or absurdly blissful

as it is if one
seeks the feelings
which mean
one is on an even keel...

what i am saying is
that i think
it shouldn't matter
WHAT feelings you have

to me a feeling
is just another feeling
just like
a breath of wind
is just anogther breath of wind

some are cold
some are hot
some are breezy
some are gusty

but in the end
it is all
a kind of wind.
------------------------------------------------------------
in my mind
buddhist make the same mistake
I always made
the same mistake
I see everyone else making

this idea
there is a
one, true, correct
attitude
or feeling
one must find
at all costs

and then just have and hold it

before one can be
something one dearly wants to be

it just doesn't sit well with me
any more

my life is here, now,
not sometime later
when I've learned
how to properly
jump through
the hoops
that mean
I can have what I want?

Any more
I'd rather have my life
here, now
than keep being involved
in going out of my way
to jump through hoops
just to get what I want
at some point later

even if that means
I don't get what I want.

[FallingLeaves]

fwiw

sometimes
he thinks
what you don't do
is much more important
that what you do

at least that is something
he got from god.
----------------------------------------------------
problem for people is
if you don't do stuff
you obviously can't proclaim
how good you are
at not doing stuff...

and pump yourself up
that way
in your own estimation
of the estimation
of others

so what good is it after all?
-----------------------------------------------------------------
and then on top of that
others will complain
because
they don't see you
doing
anything
when they have definite ideas
about what you should be doing
or at least think
you should be doing SOMETHING.

sigh.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

[lyzth]

You will be fine

[FallingLeaves]

thank you. I needed to hear that!

[FallingLeaves]

i was only saying
there are some foods
I've come to dislike enough
that I just don't want to eat them.

that should not be taken
as an invective
that noone should like such foods
or noone should eat foods they like
just because I don't...

it only means,
that right here
right now
I have the simple ability
to decide I don't like these foods
and to decide
I just don't want to eat them

it says nothing
either
about later

someday
maybe my palette will change.

im not making an ending
here
where I say
never ever ever ever ever ever

I'm just
just saying
that right now
I would rather not.