Hi Izz, well it stands clear to me now if not before that you can't have had it easy growing up in a family like that with women like that. It gets under my skin when women do this to other women. Yet I know it to be true. Think you are very strong and should be very proud of yourself, youre' doing a great job. I mean just look at me and the mess I have become and then I am only dealing with parent in law. You are dealing with this in your own first family, you have grown up with this maybe. I think you're amazing!
I understand from that perspective that you would then have more male buddies than female but occasionally a narc-female happened to find her way in to your circle as well. But at least you recognized that. And you've done great with that as well!
Yes it has been difficult and has taken years. When it first was or in the middle of it I could hold up, you know, but sooner or later it is going to take a toll on you, if you're human, that is, and we all are.
There is a video I like to share, it is about narcissistic parent in laws but could also adapt to to other family members. I recognize a great, great deal in this and it is so refreshing to actually hear it even though i know it is so bad.....
I think he noticed quickly with me that I was interested in anything he had to say and why he thought the way he did and so on. That I truly enjoyed his presence. We had the same type of humor. We noticed this quickly. There was, still is, an excitement between us (an attraction) that is hard to kill, there is something there. It was so that I would catch my breath just before coming in closer, walking towards him, when dating him and even years to come and I know I thought but My god should this happen several years later into the relationship. It's powerful. And sometimes when you love someone like that, it is scary. Especially as I know he has the great capacity and the experience of having hurt me to this degree that he has in the past.
He is doing good work with this today!( Yeah!!) How he handles himself and the situations. Now it is just that
I have to have more faith in him, in us I guess and not withdraw. To move forward. I have a tendency to go backwards....So I too need to stay in the presence.
Thank you for thinking I was meant to come to put an end/a stop to this sick twist that they have taken regarding looks, to not respect boundaries, everyone having integrity no matter how we look or don't look to anyone else.
To his defense he said he realized right after he had said it - what he had said - and why I was having a specific facial expression (hurt). That he thought that now he had ruined everything. Which was he said the last thing he wanted to do. Still....? (what was he thinking??)
Just a minute ago we were all to have some fun. I know I had asked him before to please give himself a break with all his working out and his strict diets, that now we were going to have some fun but he wouldn't and so he was only on the front having a good temper but in reality he was easily irritated, but that had nothing to do with us, me.
I don't know how many times he has projected over to me when he is irritated.
Today I can ask him that I can tell there is something going on and to please tell me and at first a lot of times he don't know why, but now these days he is better at recognizing what it is and then we talk about it.
Usually when he is irritated like that and is telling me or a child about something, it isn't us that he is irritated about.
He is I think used to holding much inside of him, and that is how it is with his parents too, to then suddenly lash out about something that do not deserve at all that kind of reaction.
Today when we talk like that I know I can too sort of go backwards in time, earlier today, yesterday, different things, and then it is as if he finds it - what it has been al along that is causing him grief, thoughts, a problem he don't know how to solve.
So that is working better and better. And then we together talk about the problem he is having.
I think he is the kind who wants to do much for me, for his family, he is what I call a "do:er". He does things all the time for us without saying he has done them, and I can notice it when I get up in the morning, he has fixed something.
So in his mind I think when he is caught up in something, he keeps it to to himself because he see it as
his problem (him being the guy, his area, he is going to care for this so that I won't have to), instead of seeing it as shared responsibility,
our problem, to let me in. I have understood that is how he wants to show his love for me, but we are getting closer as a couple if he instead sees it as "our" problem to fix.
When he made the bad comment he made I could not believe it. I could not believe he had dragged me all through hell and counseling and then when I came around and we were suppose to now finally dare to at least try to be a little happy, try to rebuilt this (we had to start all over, from scratch, it was that bad, we were at the bottom) he showed me with that sentence that he had learned
nothing through all this ordeal. He had only moved it from one area to another.
I thought God is giving me a sign for me to stop fighting for us, that we can not be meant to be, meant to continue as a couple, when he goes and does this. That we had made a mistake by getting back together instead of finalizing our divorce. I mean we had two roads to take, divorce or trying to make it work. Maybe we took the wrong turn??
But perhaps it was meant to happen, because it was important it did happen. That he had to understand the serious consequence if he was to talk to me like that. To his defense he had never before talked like that to me. That was also what was so ugly to me because to me it was as if his narc parent said it through him, you know? Like I saw the narc parent. In my own husband.
I'm so happy that you have your soulmate and that he makes you feel strong, that you combine each other well and that he seem to handle it well from where you have come from, very important to so that he won't be pulled into anything by anyone.
Anyways, I "enjoyed" this video, just because I recognize so much, thought maybe you would like to watch it too? Again does not have to do with parent in laws, but the whole structure. I know you will understand
The Power to Destroy your Marriage your Narcissistic In-laws - protect yourself Dr. Rhoberta Shaler
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