What is wrong with me? I'm being so stupid

[~Lioness~]

I made a post about my last 3 exes cheating on me and they were all narcissists as far as I know.

Well, I'm back with the third one. The last one. She has grown extremely distant, keeps me at a 12 foot distance but just gives me barely enough reassurance to keep hanging on.

Why cant I just move on and stop putting myself through this torture? I caught her cheating with 7 guys all at once when she gave me her facebook password. Then the other times I found out was through comments on her pictures saying "my girlfriend" and stuff.

I feel completely not strong enough to cut contact with her it kills me inside and I'm even kinda crying right now just writing this, I know I need to move on. And not do the back and forth thing, being ignored for 7 hours at a time, and being cheated on
.

I know i need to, i just cant. And i dont know why.

[Ciona]

You can't leave suffering behind until you've truly had enough of it.

It's job is to stay with you until you learn how not to have it or need it in your life. It has no reason to leave until you truly, deep down inside, love yourself enough to want more than that, for yourself. The universe can only mirror you. If suffering is what you want so to speak, what you keep inviting, that's what you'll get.

Have you sat down and taken a good hard look at what it is she provides for you internally. It's really a dialogue with yourself that you're having with the universe here, you see? Write down what you're getting out of it. Learn how to give those same things to yourself, or get them for yourself in a healthy way.

For example, if one feels lonely, one can take responsibility for that. It's not that we don't need other people, but there is a lot one can do when you realize that regardless of anyone else, it's YOUR feelings that you're taking responsibility for, you see? They're yours, they belong to you, no one else can be responsible for them. So following my example, let's say I notice myself feeling lonely...that's when I realize I've neglected myself again. It means I want my own attention. And my own attention feels good.

Whatever these relationships do for you, you need to start taking responsibiltiy for learning to do them for yourself.

Perhaps feeling uncertainty in your life is an issue. Or, perhaps you're drawing uncertainty towards yourself in a effort to learn to see things more clearly. Either way it's still a conversation one can only have with oneself. There is a good Matt Kahn video called 'Facing Uncertainty' or something like that. Don't remember exactly but I would highly recommend it for anyone who wants to learn to understand the bigger picture better.

Some people self-sabotage, even when they do have something good going, especially then. I don't relate to that personally but I understand there can be a lot of different reasons for it.

If you're truly interested in changing your patterns I would encourage you not to be afraid of some deep introspection.

You see what I am saying...it really doesn't matter what the reason she's keeping you at a distance is, it's already there. You're going to go through it no matter what if you don't look at it...at yourself...whether it's your contributing factors or hers or both isn't really the point at this stage imo.

Take care

Added: I would add that often it's our perception we have about something, not the situation itself, that is really the issue. In other words the universe is mirroring an issue inside of us, by the manifestation of a situation or circumstance in the quantum field. This is not to say that the abuses perpetuated on us by others are not very real, of course they are. I never advocate anyone stay in an abusive situation. I am simply trying to state that the abuser has their own problems to solve, that's the point. We each need to look at our own perceptions we may already have as individuals, when a set of circumstances presents itself to us.

^Sage advice.