Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Baybee123
Thank you so much guys for your opinions..
I might add to the above that I’ve had a conversation with him several times in the past that this lack of interest is taking me away from him. It’s not just sex that’s missing, a simple act of holding hands, hug, kiss everything that we human use to express love. He simply doesn’t express love. After I start up the conversation that I’m thinking of walking out he tells me he loves me but he doesn’t have a habit to show his love. I think it’s natural for a human being to want to express his love. We haven’t had sex in 4 years. I’m a very romantic kind of person and now the thought of me getting closer to him makes me sick. We have drifted apart a long way in my opinion.
I really don’t know what is in his mind but I feel so frustrated that I am having to let this love knocking on my door leave me just because I’m committed to someone else.
|
Alright, you have said you have had honest conversations about the lack of intimacy with your husband before on countless occasions, you say his answer is he loves you, or that he says he loves you. I am confused here, is that what you asked him when you brought the conversation about lack of holding hands, hugging, kissing, and intimacy up? I am missing something here. If it was me I'd personally be asking why? As I am sure, you must have? Well, what is his reason?
What was his reason, and was it acceptable for you?
You see by now if it were be me I'd be point blank asking well am I hideous to you? Are you still attracted to me, or were you in the first place? Are you actually just interested in someone else, and have not said anything? If you are just say so, and we can be done. Whatever your reason is quite fine, you do not have to worry about being honest with me, but tell me your honest reason. If you can't say it I am finished. If you can't be honest with me with a reason for the lack of intimacy, I am finished with you.
Then if he tells me he loves me, I would kindly point out that that is a statement to a question I asked. I would remind him gently of the question. "I asked what your reason for the lack of intimacy on your end is- very well realizing there is also my end too, if I have not attempted being intimate in any way for quite a while with the man myself- and your reason is you love me. Honey, you do understand that doesn't make much sense right? Again I want a reason for the lack of intimacy on your end, and then I will give you my own reason for being a touch remote for all this time, if you can not give me a reason, honestly, I am gone".
But it isn't me and I've never been married. But I generally have no issue at all being forthright and honest with people and asking them utterly point blank, the questions on my mind, weighing at it.
I assume you've asked him why? If you did, he answered in some way. I love you, couldn't be the reason why could it? I am not intimate with you, because I love you? That isn't reasonable, and is not logical, and essentially is dodging the very question.
I think you still may have a chance to help your relationship with your husband perhaps if you actually want to.
You say for the most part you are happy, he doesn't call you names, or get very argumentative over trivial things then? That does not sound too too bad. Does he treat you right? If you need something or want something and he is able to do it, like a night out for dinner he is alright and does it?
So far so good. But yes lack of intimacy in a relationship can be a real problem, and it really isn't all about sex. Not even holding each other at night during sleep, rest? A hug every now and then, a kiss, even a peck on the cheek?
That can make one feel awful.
And then on top of that no reason.
Honestly if you haven't asked him the why of it yet you should. Get it all out. Preferably without hollering and screaming I mean on both ends here either one of you, preferably) there should be no need for that it is just a conversation, and it is about something that is a part of your lives together.
If he does not give you a solid reasonable reason for the lack of intimacy- A reason I personally wouldn't flip out on would actually be I have lost interest- if you both are an older couple- it is natural for both men and women to lose interest now and then. If he actually is depressed like 7 lum has said- that is a valid reason, it is very hard to both feel attractive and want to give affection when one is suffering depression, I would know I've been there, and am there now, so there are valid reasons that deserve a softer tone and conversation and a bit of compassion.
But let us face it, I love you as a reason for a lack of intimacy is no reason at all, you know that, I know that, and he certainly must.
As for the younger gentlemen, well you've said it currently isn't feasible for the two of you to have a future. Well wouldn't be entirely sure of this, is it a financial issue? How old are the children, in school? It would make it more difficult to move schools on them.
And yes the children do have to be considered responsibly. Realize you have said you have been speaking to this young man online for two months. I would simply and respectfully like to caution, that is not a long time to be speaking with someone, and you can find out a lot more about someone in the physical, in the flesh than on an online platform. Including but not limited to, their emotional reactions, in emotional circumstances, how they handle emergency situations, how they react to the careless words and actions of others, if a dude cuts them off in traffic do they holler and curse "You curse word- name call", how do they conduct themselves in public places?
I have literally had an interaction with a man who would grab, holler at the top of his lungs, and assault me in public. And otherwise harass me. He literally seemed to have no self control, in public, or elsewhere.
Red flags. Man. Red flags.
Does he always seem to have an angry look in his eye, or does he have a general look of kindness? Is he polite to others? Or does he lash out? Does he jump at loud noises?
This is body language. Some of it- Jumping at loud noises- the same guy whom grabbed assaulted and seemed to have a problem conducting himself, would jump at loud noises at times. These are signs of past abuse, and an individual with anti-social personality like disorder. Not everyone diagnosed with ASP is going to hurt you, but these people do tend not to feel remorseful of things, and the remorse they are capable of feeling goes only as far as only feeling bad they are going to get into trouble.
All I am saying is you can't verily see these things online. They can't be ascertained on an online platform the same way they can be face to face.
That does not mean meet the guy to find out either.
It means give it time. Think about it.
You've spoken online for two months and are saying you love him. Are you sure? After two months? I am not saying it isn't possible. But I m saying to give this type of thing plenty of forethought and more time.
Perhaps it is different for people these days.
And I perhaps just do not get it.
Perhaps I am too old fashioned for my mid thirties.
But personally, if someone I've talked to online-male- starts telling me he loves me after two months, I'd be running from the screen.
I've suffered too much abuse. And I like to take my time getting to know men.
Most don't bother hanging around enough to take the time to try and know me.
Which tells me right there well enough already how they felt about me to begin with.
Despite all this, no you do not have to stay with your husband either, if you feel the lack of intimacy is something you are unwilling to live with, and honestly if it continues? There is no way I would blame you for leaving. I do not see how anyone else really could either.
I wish you the best of luck, much love, much respect, and many kindnesses.
You deserve all those things.
I don't know what else I can say or some good advice to offer here.... I can not tell you what to do. In the end you are going to have to figure this out for yourself.
But I very much do wish you all the best.
Linear Mode
