another small epiphany

...and still moving step by step...before every next step i just cannot imagine what the next little step is going to be about...

Yesterday a day where it felt like a war was taking place inside of me. Accompanied by several emotions, but no longer accompanied by tears...that´s new...followed by a night with 2 pretty intense dreams.

I know i should not worry about the ego, but i think i am just doing things the way i want to do it. Finding my way through the forest with my own navigation system. I don´t mind...

After having written down the dreams on here i was pondering again about what happened yesterday. I suddenly realised myself that the real yearning for ´him´, seems to have become much less intense. Though the yearning feeling is still there. Suddenly i ´see´ how ego got a shock when i first met ´him´. It is not soulshock as they name it...it is ego-shock. (at least for me it seem to have been that way)

Instead of a soul shock it has been a beautiful soul-trip
I think ego got a big shock because all of a sudden it senses the soul is still alive and starting to kick a bit more. More and more and more...

The yearning and craving (at least my yearning and craving) for ´him´ had not so much to do with my feelings for him, but even more a yearning and craving to be seen as well. Ego felt that someone saw soul and soul came to the forefront...ego got scared, angry, sad...creating a feeling of hell, like it was going to die.

Now i realised that my craving for him is much less intense, though the yearning feeling inside is still there. I can almost feel all those ego-feelings holding on tight on my back. Blocking me...and in turn this only feeds those feelings of fear, anger and sadness.

In meeting ´him´ i started to see myself again. In his mirror i found an entrance towards my own true self, my soul. (11:11h while writing this... ). I found and felt real Love. That is not soul shock, that was a shock for the ego.

I know suddenly see what my ´Dome dream´ could mean. In the dream i was the ego...or experienced the dream from the ego. I put the ´danger´ (man/love) in a white bandage, to put him away, to make him a prisoner... I think this action is exactly how the ego can secretly ´wrap us around their finger´...as sneaky as it can be...This is not the way to live...

Well, so much for now...this sure feels like a little another small epiphany...

Hm...weird realisation...

For some time already there is something on here that makes me so curious...

And now i thought...why not put it on here:

I am not in need of an answer. I didn´t ask a question. And of course there´s lots of threads that i don´t give my answer or thoughts to as well...but there´s others that i do.

But...how come...this has been read for 84 times now...and no reaction t all?!
Why do ´you´ read this?
What does it make ´you´ think?
Do ´you´ have questions and don´t feel secure to write them down here?
Does it make ´you´ laugh?
Do ´you´ find it nonsense?

Like i said...of course, not every thread might be of interest...but 84 times?

I really ask myself sometimes why i share my ´heart-felt-stuff´ here. Of course that´s my choice, but again...why read and nothing else?

Let it live here...feel welcome, feel invited! We can learn from each other...this is such one way-nothingness.

And while i am now spitting my thoughts ...it´s also nice when someone tries to interpret someone elses dream, to give a reaction. Most of all for your self, the dreamer of the dream. From my own experience i know that the more you get working with your dreams, you will start to learn your own dreamsymbol language...it can take you a long and very nice way. When i try to interpret a dream (and this counts for others as well)...this cost some time and effort. Of course not with every dream it is necessary...but maybe a small reaction...i don´t feel invited after some time...

Feel welcome to give any reaction to these thoughts...
It is only coming from a good heart...
Just trying to learn to throw the heavy load from of my chest...

[kundalinikid]

It was hard for me to follow/understand.

I guess you are saying the interaction with him caused some sort of awakening of your soul. Regardless, of the outcome it transformed you…however, your ego couldn’t handle not having him. Is that it? I can relate to that if it is the case because mine was similar.

Thnx for your reply...maybe its hard to understand what i am saying...for everyone else as well...but it is a weird and hard time, hard to get a grip on it...


maybe it just really is better to just keep it for myself...

Maybe it is also a sign when nobody replies to it lol...that in fact i should not write or talk about it...

Well then...this thread is closed from now...

Everything seems to be going to sort of a closure...

Have a nice day..

Never Mind...(wow, these two words suddenly get a whole other meaning when thinking about what ego is all about)....never Mind....

Chasing now seems to about nothing else than the ego chasing the ego....it really is biting once own tail...

This ego is (and always has been) like a headless chicken...it thought it was alive, but in fact never has been...it will go on and on and on ..it has thousands of ways of tricking you....exactly like it did with the bandaging the so called enemy...it is only trying to survive...making once life to a hell...but even this is only on part of ego...

Yesterday i got so 'far' in silence while meditating...there were times there was no thought, no special focus, but still being...

Again ego found it necessary to text him...a whole other 'story' suddenly. Though it seems not to be so much about him anymore....texting him...seems to be a slow process in a grading down of ego...of course it will try to come back big time (but that is up to i)....though it somehow feels like i am in a process where it is slowly coming to each other....like ego will fade away in me (or i)....it is quieting down...

[kundalinikid]

Originally Posted by irisa

Thnx for your reply...maybe its hard to understand what i am saying...for everyone else as well...but it is a weird and hard time, hard to get a grip on it...
maybe it just really is better to just keep it for myself...

I didn't mean to demoralize you.

I think ego wants everything right now, and the soul is willing to play the long game. I've had to accept similar to what you are having to accept. It doesn't feel good. I really haven't found much to make it any easier. The best I can offer is really take care of yourself. Make sure you are doing everything in your power to operate as your best self (vitamins, exercise, accupuncture, meditation....whatever helps).

[Aldous]

I'm trying not to think about it. After decades of feeling her presence out there and constantly thinking about her, it seems now a lot of the time that it faded away and I feel liberated from it.

[kundalinikid]

I can give you an example how bad I am. I believed we were in telepathic communication. I thought she was making the step to leave her husband. I thought she took a leave of an absence from work and was working to heal to then make the leap of a relationship together. This is with her apparently being happily married for over 10 years now. Finally, I did an under cover mission. I scheduled an appointment at her office under a fake name. I come to find none of what I thought I learned from this supposed telepathic communication is true. She is taking appointments well into December. So, how can she be doing what I thought on the inside. I didn’t want to check. I think my ego would rather have believed the lie than accept the truth. I forced myself to though. It feels awful. But I think the ego didn’t want me to know the truth. It feels far less rejected in this phony little internal world I built. It’s hard because there were other things I predicted with her before it happened like a dress she wore in a picture or her pregnancy. She named her daughter after a name I once said was her daughter but didn’t yet have in one of the many unhinged emails I sent her. I guess she named her daughter that to troll me or just a coincidence and didn’t even read what I sent.

I don’t really have a lot of answers other than I really need to continue taking the best care of myself as possible. Also, I’ve been thinking of opening up a little more to the acupuncturist. It’s an embarrassing situation to describe, but I feel utterly tormented by apparently my own ego or evil spirits trying to completely demoralize me. I need to let go and acupuncture is the only thing that has give me some relief.

I am also considering getting therapy focused towards limerence. It hurts a lot. This is a person that I shared all my most intimate embarrassing moments online when we we were teenagers. You see I met her online first. We were friends, and I liked the relationship because I could really share all the awful points of my life and secret fears yet, I didn’t have to see her real life. When I met her online she had her hair dyed red like the girl from Titanic. She was a year behind me, and I come to find later she was going to the same college as me. She wanted to meet when she was a freshman, but I brushed it off. Later she must have read my AIM away message about a party II was going to be at, and I met her there. The problem was I didn’t put two and two together that her hair color had changed. I went on in the dark about this for YEARS. I thought it was a random girl I had met. I came to find that it wasn’t at all after years of introspection after the fact. It is very hurtful that someone I was so intimate with and a good friend now treats me as an utter stalker. I’ve never been able to communicate the fact that I figured everything out later. It was too late.

Hi Kundalinikid,

your reply didn´t sound demoralizing at all..

I m not proud of my chasing as well. Though kept it online. Would not dare to go and see him.

@Aldous: ouch, decades already?! Sounds very painful and i don´t want to think about that.

What wrote him this morning felt like sort of closure from my side...and maybe foremost for closure for myself in this ´weirdness´... Saying that i probably have ´misread´ it all the time. Thanking him for everything, telling i didn´t have any regrets because i learned a lot till now and will continu to do so. Since about a week i am able to think about him and write him without spilling a tear and without that painful yearning feeling in my chest. It is okay..
Of course my conclusion is not what i think or rather sense deep within, but this sort of feels soothing. And besides all this...he blocked and deleted me, so there´s very little chance he will read it...
Somehow in writing him i feel sort of a healing...it feels like writing in a diary, though i was never good at that. This is for the first time that it feels good to write...though he might not read it, it still has a good effect on me.

But....after writing my words on here earlier today i see ego only changed its place...no longer him, no, now its here on the forum.
I really feel a little stupid now, but okay...it´s what it is...
It shows me that a certain wound is still open....the feeling of not being seen/noted...

Wrapping bandages....wrapping them over and over and over again....trying to sooth different feelings. Wrapping them in different colours...Ego transforms and transforms... That´s not how it is going to work...´i know´...´i´ will get there...(where ´i´ already am...)

It feels like when i am meditating, that it is only sort of switch that needs to be put out, but how to get that to happen?

[kundalinikid]

Irisa,

I can certainly say writing all the mail I wrote her did nothing to heal me. It made it worse. I think part of my problem is that I had an awakening experience. I wanted to somehow relate it to her. The awakening caused me severe PTSD. So, anytime I feel anxious or energy it triggers me so to speak. I am going to order an online limerence course and commit to it after what I found today.

I wish I could have caught up to her earlier. She gave me a ton of signs she was in fact the person I knew from my teenage years. She would put obscure AIM font combinations in what I thought was the girl I just met profile to try to get me to put two and two together. She immediately would message me from her old screen name after the girl with her new screen name would have to go (within 10 seconds). I suppose she finally figured I was a lost cause and why continue bothering with me. After all, how could we be soulmates if I could not even recognize her?

One thing you can learn from my mistakes though, is don't let the situation break you so to speak. So, often I would get terrible news (like I did today with my undercover mission), and I would completely give up on life. I would eat like **** and drink myself into oblivion. I learned the best thing I can do for myself is to be strong and live each day to my absolute fullest. You have to be yourself and be strong. It solves nothing to fall into bad habits because of your own self-pity. I can speak from experience on that.

It hurts though, when I think of things. I picture heaven/death, and I can honestly say right now that heaven isn't real to me with her with another man. I would rather just not exist. Sorry to somewhat hijack your thread.