First time poster- Hi, I'm Mander

[Mander7]

Hello,
I joined a bit ago and have been randomly lurking for a bit. I am a bit slow and reluctant to open up usually, but I'm in a forever quest to allow myself to be more open and vulnerable, to trust and share my experiences. I can be sooooo introverted, way too "floating in my own headspace" to actually stop, reach out, form and foster connections, especially because I'm not great with small talk. My face to face conversations outside of my love and family are awkward and few haha.
I am a fairly spiritual person..but it's my own personal conglomeration of beliefs, and doesn't really fall in any one particular path that I practice or follow, so I don't share it with others a lot. I want to just lay it all out there in one post, so this is going to be a long "introduction". I use an over abundance of words most of the time - read at your own risk - you've been warned haha.
My upbringing is quite mixed. My dad's side is 100% (ish) Lithuanian/Baltic. Religiously they are very strictly Roman Catholic. I went to Latin masses in dark,candle- lit churches, Sunday school, Communion, the whole 9 yards when I was little. Something about all their talk of hell, about being born "into sin", absolved through repeating pre-recorded prayers...it never clicked with me. I remember one event that sticks out pretty clear. I was at an age where a child is absorbing, learning about the world through the adult eyes and TYPICALLY adapting their beliefs for a sense of approval and belonging, I was about 4 or 5 maybe. I was at a family barbeque, standing and watching an uncle cook over the grill, watching the glowing embers and dancing flames- captivated . This uncle, he looks at me, points to the fire and says,"That's what it looks like in hell. That's where all the sinners and bad boys and girls who don't listen to their parents go". Externally I was unfazed and said nothing, didn't want to be disrespectful or rude, but internally I instantly called bull*h&t. The ideas of a heaven with angels playing harps and devils in fiery pits and being judged and deemed unworthy from birth, even at a young age just didn't gel with me. There was never a point when any of that made sense to me.
My mom's side of the family was more artsy and heathen. They were poets, theater lovers, painters, photographers and tarp makers. It was rumored my maternal line - my mother's mother's mother- was Romani. She came to the U.S. from Bohemia with her husband, who was born in Moravia. She had many children and by the time my grandmother was born, her mind had broken. She would tell stories about living within a "gypsy clan" and would often take her clothes, cut them up, sew pockets inside and Frankenstein her wardrobe. The kids were not sure if her stories were true or it was part of her illness, until the later generations learned through research that a lot of her actions in fact backed up her stories and were similar to what Romani are said to do often. At any rate, my grandmother had a superstition for just about EVERY action lol. They were into horoscopes,reincarnation,BIG dreamers, always seeking "signs" following the dreamers intuitions. They went to church and my grandmother would say she is Christian, but they have all always had a more mystic leaning to me. I remember finding a bible in one of my aunt's rooms in their old family house. Written in a blank back page was a very intimate poem about laying in the grass, a deep love for the earth, the wind caressing like a lover. Of course it was also the late 60s / early 70s, and hallucinogens may or may not have been involved in that time for her.
I grew up more with my mother and her side of the family as my parents split when I was pretty young and my father moved out of state a few years later. The first part of my life was pretty wild, I remember a lot of bonfires and parties, bands playing in a cramped living room. It was quite nomadic and free. Then my mom remarried and changed quite a bit. She moved away from her family and decided to become a Jehovah's witness (had to do with one of her "signs", she felt lost, prayed for direction..and less than a day later a Jehovah's witness came knocking on the door) She pulled me with her into that when I was 8 or 9. This religion had their beliefs, their narratives, I wanted to support my mom for a time, make her happy and I played the part for her...for awhile... until the inconsistencies of what they wanted me to believe just did NOT feel right to what I felt internally to be right and true. Long story short , at the age of 14 I committed an act of rebellion, they tried to sit me in the middle of a full circle of male "elders" to question me like a tribunal and shame me into repentance and swearing I would "never do it again until I married"..and the damn just kinda broke. I knew that was something I couldn't and wouldn't promise and anything less would be a lie. I went on a long diatribe on all the reasons I felt all of it was a crock to me and essentially told them I simply do not believe what you believe anymore, so you do what you have to do." I was "disfellowshipped"...basically shunned. My mother still stuck to their religion for a bit - super awkward because I lived with her and it was discouraged she talk to me at ALL outside of short comments to keep daily tasks moving and such. It didn't last long. On a long silent drive one day she just kind of asked me, "why and how did you do that?". I repeated to her every line of thinking I had told to those elders, I let my heart and words pour out...and one week later she too walked away from them.
I can't say my time in that religion was ALL bad, in hindsight it was all a part of my journey and I did learn a lot in that time. Still though, I moved away from home when I was 16. By 18 I felt pretty lost spiritually. I had moved out of state with my then husband. He had a good friend who was just starting to explore Wicca and I started borrowing books from him. A lot of what the JWs and my father's side had put into my head, that "witches and horoscopes were of the devil" was still rattling around in my head and it made me sooo terrified to even pick up the books at first. I was unsure about the devil, but still pretty spooked about "evil spirits". The more I read, the more certain parts resonated. It was about honoring the earth, love, turning within, peace… a lot of it (not all of it, but a lot) resonated more with me than any of the shame based teaching I was brought up with. I still didn't feel like any traditionally Wiccan based deities resonated with me, I prayed to a single God, but something was awakening within me. One night I was feeling quite scared, confused and conflicted. At the time I wasn't remembering my dreams much more than average, a weird random one remembered a couple times a year maybe, but I remembered how much insight my grandmother and mother had talked about getting from theirs and one of my friend's books had suggested to ask a question prior to sleep and ask for an answer via dream.That night before bed I poured out my fears and confusion , that I didn't know what to believe, which path to follow and I prayed for a nudge in the right direction and to remember my dreams more. I fell asleep or was more or less in that very in between state of dream and wakefulness when I was STARTLED awake by a very loud and clear almost booming voice and it said, " It doesn't matter WHAT you believe - just as long as you BELIEVE" it was so profound and intense for me and also..from that day forward I have almost nightly dream recall. I am turning 40 this year so... I don't really analyze them, but do record the juicy intense ones. I have full out epic movie dreams sometimes, complete plots and storylines, so its cool. I LOVE dreaming.
So that was my initial true awakening I suppose. I opened myself to my own intuition and soul, leaned on my own experience and if something tugs at me and resonates, I explore it, take what feels right and leave behind what doesnt. SO, this was a ridiculously long intro, sorry haha. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. That's a basic background and intro of my spiritual beginnings. Thanks for having me and for keeping this going. Looking forward to conversing and getting to know some of you :)
Mander

[guthrio]

Originally Posted by Mander7

Hello,
I joined a bit ago and have been randomly lurking for a bit. I am a bit slow and reluctant to open up usually, but I'm in a forever quest to allow myself to be more open and vulnerable, to trust and share my experiences. I can be sooooo introverted, way too "floating in my own headspace" to actually stop, reach out, form and foster connections, especially because I'm not great with small talk. My face to face conversations outside of my love and family are awkward and few haha.
I am a fairly spiritual person..but it's my own personal conglomeration of beliefs, and doesn't really fall in any one particular path that I practice or follow, so I don't share it with others a lot. I want to just lay it all out there in one post, so this is going to be a long "introduction". I use an over abundance of words most of the time - read at your own risk - you've been warned haha.
My upbringing is quite mixed. My dad's side is 100% (ish) Lithuanian/Baltic. Religiously they are very strictly Roman Catholic. I went to Latin masses in dark,candle- lit churches, Sunday school, Communion, the whole 9 yards when I was little. Something about all their talk of hell, about being born "into sin", absolved through repeating pre-recorded prayers...it never clicked with me. I remember one event that sticks out pretty clear. I was at an age where a child is absorbing, learning about the world through the adult eyes and TYPICALLY adapting their beliefs for a sense of approval and belonging, I was about 4 or 5 maybe. I was at a family barbeque, standing and watching an uncle cook over the grill, watching the glowing embers and dancing flames- captivated . This uncle, he looks at me, points to the fire and says,"That's what it looks like in hell. That's where all the sinners and bad boys and girls who don't listen to their parents go". Externally I was unfazed and said nothing, didn't want to be disrespectful or rude, but internally I instantly called bull*h&t. The ideas of a heaven with angels playing harps and devils in fiery pits and being judged and deemed unworthy from birth, even at a young age just didn't gel with me. There was never a point when any of that made sense to me.
My mom's side of the family was more artsy and heathen. They were poets, theater lovers, painters, photographers and tarp makers. It was rumored my maternal line - my mother's mother's mother- was Romani. She came to the U.S. from Bohemia with her husband, who was born in Moravia. She had many children and by the time my grandmother was born, her mind had broken. She would tell stories about living within a "gypsy clan" and would often take her clothes, cut them up, sew pockets inside and Frankenstein her wardrobe. The kids were not sure if her stories were true or it was part of her illness, until the later generations learned through research that a lot of her actions in fact backed up her stories and were similar to what Romani are said to do often. At any rate, my grandmother had a superstition for just about EVERY action lol. They were into horoscopes,reincarnation,BIG dreamers, always seeking "signs" following the dreamers intuitions. They went to church and my grandmother would say she is Christian, but they have all always had a more mystic leaning to me. I remember finding a bible in one of my aunt's rooms in their old family house. Written in a blank back page was a very intimate poem about laying in the grass, a deep love for the earth, the wind caressing like a lover. Of course it was also the late 60s / early 70s, and hallucinogens may or may not have been involved in that time for her.
I grew up more with my mother and her side of the family as my parents split when I was pretty young and my father moved out of state a few years later. The first part of my life was pretty wild, I remember a lot of bonfires and parties, bands playing in a cramped living room. It was quite nomadic and free. Then my mom remarried and changed quite a bit. She moved away from her family and decided to become a Jehovah's witness (had to do with one of her "signs", she felt lost, prayed for direction..and less than a day later a Jehovah's witness came knocking on the door) She pulled me with her into that when I was 8 or 9. This religion had their beliefs, their narratives, I wanted to support my mom for a time, make her happy and I played the part for her...for awhile... until the inconsistencies of what they wanted me to believe just did NOT feel right to what I felt internally to be right and true. Long story short , at the age of 14 I committed an act of rebellion, they tried to sit me in the middle of a full circle of male "elders" to question me like a tribunal and shame me into repentance and swearing I would "never do it again until I married"..and the damn just kinda broke. I knew that was something I couldn't and wouldn't promise and anything less would be a lie. I went on a long diatribe on all the reasons I felt all of it was a crock to me and essentially told them I simply do not believe what you believe anymore, so you do what you have to do." I was "disfellowshipped"...basically shunned. My mother still stuck to their religion for a bit - super awkward because I lived with her and it was discouraged she talk to me at ALL outside of short comments to keep daily tasks moving and such. It didn't last long. On a long silent drive one day she just kind of asked me, "why and how did you do that?". I repeated to her every line of thinking I had told to those elders, I let my heart and words pour out...and one week later she too walked away from them.
I can't say my time in that religion was ALL bad, in hindsight it was all a part of my journey and I did learn a lot in that time. Still though, I moved away from home when I was 16. By 18 I felt pretty lost spiritually. I had moved out of state with my then husband. He had a good friend who was just starting to explore Wicca and I started borrowing books from him. A lot of what the JWs and my father's side had put into my head, that "witches and horoscopes were of the devil" was still rattling around in my head and it made me sooo terrified to even pick up the books at first. I was unsure about the devil, but still pretty spooked about "evil spirits". The more I read, the more certain parts resonated. It was about honoring the earth, love, turning within, peace… a lot of it (not all of it, but a lot) resonated more with me than any of the shame based teaching I was brought up with. I still didn't feel like any traditionally Wiccan based deities resonated with me, I prayed to a single God, but something was awakening within me. One night I was feeling quite scared, confused and conflicted. At the time I wasn't remembering my dreams much more than average, a weird random one remembered a couple times a year maybe, but I remembered how much insight my grandmother and mother had talked about getting from theirs and one of my friend's books had suggested to ask a question prior to sleep and ask for an answer via dream.That night before bed I poured out my fears and confusion , that I didn't know what to believe, which path to follow and I prayed for a nudge in the right direction and to remember my dreams more. I fell asleep or was more or less in that very in between state of dream and wakefulness when I was STARTLED awake by a very loud and clear almost booming voice and it said, " It doesn't matter WHAT you believe - just as long as you BELIEVE" it was so profound and intense for me and also..from that day forward I have almost nightly dream recall. I am turning 40 this year so... I don't really analyze them, but do record the juicy intense ones. I have full out epic movie dreams sometimes, complete plots and storylines, so its cool. I LOVE dreaming.
So that was my initial true awakening I suppose. I opened myself to my own intuition and soul, leaned on my own experience and if something tugs at me and resonates, I explore it, take what feels right and leave behind what doesnt. SO, this was a ridiculously long intro, sorry haha. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. That's a basic background and intro of my spiritual beginnings. Thanks for having me and for keeping this going. Looking forward to conversing and getting to know some of you :)
Mander

Hi Mander7,

A hearty welcome to Spiritual Forums!

...such an interesting journey your life is taking. What do you think of your waking dream now?

Looking forward to reading and sharing more.

[BigJohn]

֍                WELCOME TO THE SPIRITUAL FORUMS!                      ֎

[one-light]

Hi welcome here...

[WildHairedWoman]

Welcome to the forum @Mander7.

[dream jo]

hi,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Hello and welcome....

[Mander7]

Originally Posted by guthrio

Hi Mander7,

A hearty welcome to Spiritual Forums!

...such an interesting journey your life is taking. What do you think of your waking dream now?

Looking forward to reading and sharing more.

Thanks :) Not really sure what I think about my waking dream now lol. It is kind of like peeling an onion. Just layer after layer and so much of any insight seems to only come in hindsight. I'm just trying to learn and practice enjoying the ride at the moment ,I suppose haha.

[guthrio]

Originally Posted by Mander7

Thanks :) Not really sure what I think about my waking dream now lol. It is kind of like peeling an onion. Just layer after layer and so much of any insight seems to only come in hindsight. I'm just trying to learn and practice enjoying the ride at the moment ,I suppose haha.

..... Awesome sauce!

You're going to love the point in the journey where you understand that "hindsight is foresight ...deferred"!

SOOOOO much fun surfing the waves of anticipation with expectation guiding the way.

[guthrio]

Originally Posted by Mander7

Thanks :) Not really sure what I think about my waking dream now lol. It is kind of like peeling an onion. Just layer after layer and so much of any insight seems to only come in hindsight. I'm just trying to learn and practice enjoying the ride at the moment ,I suppose haha.

..... Awesome sauce!

You're going to love the point in the journey where you understand that "hindsight is foresight ...deferred"!

SOOOOO much fun surfing the waves of anticipation with expectation guiding the way.